


The Ribbon That Binds Us

by TinyValiance



Category: iKON (Korea Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst and Humor, Angst with a Happy Ending, Cat Cafés, Enemies to Lovers, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Miscommunication, ao3 is so thorough with the tags wow, cant believe i forgot my favourite tag, enjoy the rush of the hate, even the porn is plot, general warning for life lessons and that sentimental stuff, general warning that double b are fighty before they get lovey, general warning that i am a poet and not a rapper, hanbin has a few daddy issues but hey who doesnt, honestly cats are so important in this fic, i put yeobo as her own tag but she is yg fam, there are a lot of different types of angst present in this fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-19
Updated: 2018-01-04
Packaged: 2019-01-19 09:09:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 97,254
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12407415
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TinyValiance/pseuds/TinyValiance
Summary: Hanbin was so dorky-looking in 2011. He looked 12 years old until his 16th birthday. Perhaps that was why Bobby hated him, he pondered. Hanbin had just been too ugly for friendship. Bless Jinhwan for his charity and sacrifice, it could not have been easy.In which Bobby and Hanbin are archenemies and diss each other so hard that YG has to either whip them into shape or take legal action against them. (Darn rowdy kids.)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> ♥ PLEASE READ! THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME!♥
> 
> 1\. I want to make it clear that these people in the story are just characters based on real people. This is my interpretation of them. My writing does not reflect on any real people involved in this story. Please do not repost this story anywhere or post a link to this story anywhere. Tumblr is the only exception. I do not want it on Twitter, Instagram, or anywhere a member of iKon or any other kpop star in this story can see it (if they see it on Tumblr, then whatever, Tumblr feels more private). Do not send this story to them. Please keep this story safe here! Respect their privacy and mine.
> 
> 2\. WARNINGS: swearing, sexual language, Koo Junhoe, ANGST (this is an enemies to lovers fic after all so please be prepared for genuine hatred), a couple of smut scenes for the noble sake of plot development. Also, as you read this fic, it will become painfully obvious that I am not a rapper. Please pretend the disses are better than whatever I could come up with.
> 
> 3\. Please comment if you want to! No matter how long the story is up, I will always appreciate comments. I love all feedback. Nice comments are appreciated more than you know. Also, I am not perfect, I want to improve! If you think I could do something better in terms of characterization, grammar and wording (etc), please tell me.
> 
> 4\. The whole story has already been written and edited. I am uploading chapter by chapter 1) so I can add any feedback/suggestions from reviews that I want in the story 2) more editing time 3) organization. Take care and thank you for reading! xo

His smile was beautiful – dorky, lovely, and bright, like the pair of slender eyes it reached. His head was tilted slightly to the left, showcasing the sharp bed of jawbone that his smile rested upon. Bobby was crafted like a sculpture.

Hanbin ripped the cover of the magazine off, then in half, shredding Bobby’s face in two along with it. He hid the pieces within the magazine.

“Ah, Hanbin,” Donghyuk sighed, flipping his own magazine shut. “Your habit of ripping paper is really discomforting. Do you need a hug?”

Hanbin sighed and dropped his head on Donghyuk’s shoulder. Donghyuk cooed and wrapped an arm around Hanbin’s shoulders, rubbing his arm and pulling him in close.

“Thanks for coming with me,” Hanbin said. He was at YG’s building to get scolded again no doubt, and it was nice to have Donghyuk wait with him in the lounge area.

“No problem,” Donghyuk said, releasing Hanbin from the hug. He looked at the time on his phone. “Okay, t minus five minutes to entry. I’m gonna leave before they see me here. When you’re done, come down to the cafeteria in the building. I’m going on a Vlive date with the fans to kill time. I’m just going to tell them it’s a company café.”

Hanbin nodded and waved goodbye to the modern day Saint. Healers – the name given to Donghyuk’s group called _Healing_ ’s fan base – were very lucky to have him. Hanbin then slumped in his chair in the lounge area, exhaled sadly, and waited to receive his retribution. He was used to it by now, but it still sucked every time. YG was a father figure to Hanbin, but a scary father figure, and Hanbin’s ongoing feud with his label-mate had made it impossible to make his father figure proud since 2014.

Hanbin _had to_ diss Bobby. It was necessary. Their feud would fizzle out and die if neither refueled the fire. That just was not an option for Hanbin. If Bobby wanted their enemy-ship to end, he would have to end it himself. Hanbin was no quitter. Plus, he hated Bobby with every fiber of his being, and it was too hard to keep that kind of passion out of his work.

“Hanbin-ah,” a grating, snakelike voice sounded through the area, somehow both quiet and piercing at the same time.

Hanbin got up from his seat, turned and bowed deeply to the man standing before him. It was amazing to him that they had gotten close enough for YG to come collect him in person for his scolding, and equally as amazing to Hanbin that they could still be close after all the scolding he received. “Yang Hoejangnim.”

YG led Hanbin into his office – a room with too many windows and too much space, decorated lavishly and shallowly, too empty and too classy for a person like Hanbin. He always felt so uncomfortable in this room. He lowered himself onto the couch, still hesitant after all this time, even now that the expensive foam couch, he assumed, had memorized the shape of his butt. Judging by the way he sank so naturally into it, his assumptions were probably correct.

This room felt devoid of objects and instead full of potential, opportunity, and with both of those things came the possibility of failure. Something always happened in or because of this room, and Hanbin, the pathological and spiritual pessimist, was always ready to face failure, for his career to die in this room – the potential, the opportunity, lost. His friends called him YG’s Dark Cloud. He had a dark feeling that YG himself got a chuckle out of the nickname too.

YG sat behind his desk. “Ah, Hanbin,” he started, soft as usual. “You look dismal.”

That could not have been a coincidence. YG was _so_ in a group chat with his friends to make fun of him behind his back. Hanbin pouted like the Dark Cloud he was, and everyone knew he was.

YG looked up from some papers on his desk and continued, “There is no reason to be dismal, Hanbin. You made a mistake, it’s okay. We are just here to talk about it. Do you know what you’ve done?”

Hanbin tried to look into his superior’s eyes. “I wrote another rap about someone and got too specific.”

“You’re right,” YG nodded. “You did not break any rules, you did not mention B— this person’s name, however… fans were able to identify… an inside joke, perhaps?”

Hanbin nodded. YG referenced his papers again, tapping a pen on them.

“It says here that the lyrics that fans are talking about are, ‘I don’t want a Barbie doll / I want a genuine person’.”

Hanbin gave a short laugh. “Yes, I can see why they think that is a reference to… someone.” It was. His fans were the best. He would have to do more on Vlive for them.

“Yes,” YG nodded at the confirmation, “people who are not fans of you are also speaking about this. Some are very pleased, and some, who are fans of… someone else, as I am sure you can imagine, are not pleased.”

“I apologize, Sir,” Hanbin said. “I thought it was vague enough. I made a mistake.”

“I understand, Hanbin,” YG said. “I do not want to place limits on your creative freedom. You are free to put any content you want on your mixtapes and underground solo work, within the boundaries of your contract. I just… I am deeply sorry, Hanbin, but I cannot let you off with a scolding this time. I am afraid I must let you off with a warning.”

“A warning?” Hanbin asked. His heart rate sped up. This was new.

“This is your first strike,” he said. “If you cannot keep your feud with… that person, between you and that person, I must suspend you. No work for six months. Then, you will become active again, and if you fail to be professional by then… I will really have no choice but to nullify your contract and add you to an idol group under strict, special conditions for you specifically.”

Hanbin was too ashamed to maintain eye contact. He looked down and said, “Yes, Sir. I understand, Sir.”

YG nodded and said, “Goodbye, Hanbin,” and it was not friendly. It was cold and professional. They were not _that_ close.

It was not like it would be a **_bad_** thing to join an idol group. Hanbin thought he would either be put in Winner or in Healing with his friends Donghyuk, Jinhwan, Yunhyeong, Junhoe, and Chanwoo, just like in WIN. The ‘special contract’ thing was super ominous, though, and to not work for six months sounded like cruel and unusual punishment, torture that was tailored to fit him.

He swears he felt rain falling over his head.

-❣-

In his studio, Hanbin tried to write a song about love or some shit. He would probably end up giving it to one of the other YG groups. He was not really in the mood to do any personal writing after the reprimand he got the previous day.

Someone knocked on his studio door. Hanbin beckoned them in, and his manager entered, phone in hand.

Hanbin’s eyebrows rose. “Already?”

“Already,” Manager Hyung confirmed. “Want to listen?”

Of course Hanbin wanted to listen to Bobby’s retaliation. He was always excited to hear Bobby’s retaliation. It gave him a sick sort of satisfaction that he had this power over someone, that he could affect someone, force them to get back at him. In this sense, he had control, and Hanbin needed control. He thought he probably had a bit of a complex. Plus, the game was fun, too.

Hanbin listened to the whole track and was impressed, as usual. Bobby was not fantastic, but he was good – he had writing talent, and he always went hard. It was a decent retaliation all around. There was one part in particular that caught Hanbin’s attention though, and he told his manager, “Hyung, go back to the 2 minute mark.”

Manager Hyung obliged. Bobby repeated, “ _Don’t talk like you don’t want me, I bet you’d love to get with Barbie. I don’t blame you man, I know I’m pretty, too_.”

He said half of that in English, but Hanbin was strong enough at the language to pick up the gist of what Bobby was saying. “Hyung…” Hanbin said, impressed but dazed, in disbelief, “he… he addressed my rap. He addressed it directly.”

Manager Hyung sighed. “Yes… but everyone knows the feud is between you and Bobby by now. It doesn’t matter that you’ve never mentioned each other by name.”

“No, hyung, you don’t understand,” Hanbin explained, “we have _never_ done this before. Our retaliations are always really vague. When we use the term ‘Barbie’, it’s usually just a play on pronunciation for Bobby. We have never addressed each other’s raps in our tracks. He just did.”

Manager Hyung’s jaw slowly dropped, comprehending the situation. “Oh, no. That _is_ against the rules, isn’t it? Technically it should be, because he made it obvious that he is responding to you. This might be bad for you, Hanbin.”

Hanbin laughed. “Not for me, but Bobby’s about to get the ass-whooping of a lifetime. Think I could get someone to bug YG’s office so I can hear it go down? Donghyuk might have the skills to do that.”

“Hanbin.”

“Chanwoo could probably hack into YG’s security cameras!”

“Hanbin,” his manager persisted, “you are an adult.”

Hanbin pouted and slumped in his chair, crossing his arms over his chest. “Meanie.”

His manager let out a long-suffering sigh and left Hanbin alone in the studio to sulk.

-❣-

Two days later, Hanbin was called back to YG’s office.

He had no one with him this time. He was too afraid to tell anyone. How had Hanbin already gotten another strike? Was this it? Was he really being suspended? Was it Bobby’s fault? He could not even bear the thought of any of this, never mind the emotional taxation of sharing his pain with someone else. He would do this alone.

Hanbin sat in a chair, hand on his heart, knee bouncing. He hoped he was getting an award or something; anything that could make his mother proud. She was easy to make proud, a positive article would do it. Literally, anything but the second strike would do.

Then Bobby walked in, and Hanbin realized that there was no good news to receive. Nothing could make this experience better. He was in Hell.

“What the fuck are you doing here?” Bobby asked by way of a greeting.

“I was called in here, stupid,” Hanbin replied. “What about you? Just coming by for a visit?”

“I was called in.”

“Wow, then clearly it was a mystery why I could be here.”

“Fuck you.”

“You wish.”

“I’m not the one calling other people Barbie.”

“I’m not the one who liked being called Barbie.”

Bobby’s eyes narrowed into slits.

“I was calling you fake, by the way.” Hanbin pouted his lips contemplatively, crossed his arms and said, “You’re not that hot.”

“Gentlemen, you’re here,” YG’s voice sounded through the room, oily and reptilian as ever. They both bowed. “And I see you’ve already said hello to each other.”

“Yeah,” Bobby spoke lowly. “Who are you seeing first, Sir?”

“Actually,” YG said, “I’m seeing both of you at once. Come into my office, please.”

Bobby and Hanbin glanced at each other with the same look of fear in their eyes. Hanbin thought it might be the only thing they would ever agree on in their lifetimes.

-❣-

They moved warily around each other, and kept an obvious distance apart as they made their way to the couch in front of YG’s desk. Hanbin claimed his spot first, because it was _his_ spot. Bobby stared at him coldly from the other side of the couch. It sent a shiver up Hanbin’s spine to think that Bobby might sit in Hanbin’s spot while being scolded, that they might be sharing butt space. Hanbin could not get comfortable, now for more reasons than one, too many to count.

YG sat behind his desk with a smile on his face. So maybe they were not in trouble. Or maybe they were, and YG was elated to finally be rid of his two most hated employees. There was really no fathomable reason for Hanbin to be in the same room as Bobby, not since Show Me the Money. Contractually, they were advised to keep apart. So why was YG so happy to see them together?

“Hello, boys,” YG greeted. “How are you both?”

“Fine,” they both answered, and gave each other the side-eye. Bobby just fucking stole Hanbin’s answer like the snake he was. It was only to be expected of him really.

Hanbin swore he saw YG shiver. The man continued, “I have some important information to share with you both. The two of you have, officially, violated your contracts.”

Hanbin’s heart leapt into his throat and was caught there. He heard Bobby inhale a sharp breath beside him. Oh fuck.

“Due to the specificity of Bobby’s most recent diss track, the true nature of your relationship has come to light,” he explained. “It has become obvious to the public that you two are enemies. And not only that you two are enemies, but that you have _been_ enemies for a long period of time, so now people assume that you have dropped many diss tracks about each other. You two signed to be a part of the YG Family, yet you are known by the public as enemies. Because of this, you harmed the YG Company image, which is a separate violation of your contract. So what do I do with you?”

The two stood and bowed deeply. “I am sorry, Hoejangnim,” they both said in unison. It would really kill Bobby to be original for once, huh?

“Sit down,” YG commanded. “Did I say that you could stand?”

The two immediately sat back down and shook their heads. “No, Hoejangnim.”

YG continued as though there was never an interruption. “I have pondered that question for the past two days – what do I do with you?” He smiled. “Well, I have good news for you today. I came up with a solution.”

The two waited. YG looked between them, building the anticipation. Just say they were being exiled and be done with it, God, this was already the worst day of Hanbin’s life, he could not bear to share it with the worst person in his life, too.

YG said, “I am putting you two in a subunit together.”

Bobby and Hanbin leaned forward at the same time. “Sir, please…” Bobby begged, offering his empty hands out, as Hanbin said, “Oh no, Sir, please accept my apology,” and bowed in his seat.

“Aish,” YG scolded, shutting them both up, “you two sound like you are being _punished_.”

The two weakly made eye contact with their boss. A look of understanding crossed his features, and his smile faltered. “Oh… of course,” YG said softly. “Well, just trust me, this is not a punishment. This is a second chance.”

“Pardon me, Sir,” Bobby said, “but how is this going to help the company?”

“Ah, don’t worry, Bobby, I was just about to explain,” YG replied. “Over the years, many fans have discovered that you two are enemies. Many of these fans have picked sides. Fans of Bobby will not support Hanbin, and fans of Hanbin will not support Bobby. Some fans will not even support friends of either of you. Generally, fans of Hanbin will not support Winner, and generally, fans of Bobby will not support Healing. These are only the perceived friendships, of course.”

Numbly, Hanbin and Bobby nodded.

YG continued, “By coming together as a unit, you two can repair the YG Family image. You can show a new relationship to your fans and to the public, or even better, convince them that you were never in a feud to begin with. Even through all this, you have never mentioned each other’s names. This is important. This is advantageous. This is why you have a chance.”

Something bled down Hanbin’s throat, viscous ooze, and diffused throughout his body like a thick poison. It constricted his blood flow, his breathing, made his limbs feel numb. When it settled in his stomach, feeling returned to his body, but the ooze weighed him down like an anchor. This was acceptance. This was how it felt to know he would be in a unit with Kim Bobby.

“With your permission and cooperation, I would like to get started immediately.” YG clasped his hands together on his desk. “We will draw up the contract for your subunit together, all three of us and a lawyer, to ensure that you will be as comfortable as possible in this arrangement. I would love for it to go into effect by next week.”

There were two possible outcomes here, but only one if Hanbin wanted to keep his job, so really, there was no choice to make. Bobby was on the same wavelength. They both bowed and thanked their boss, and agreed to start drawing up the contract immediately.

-❣-

Because there was some justice offered to him in this cruel world, Bobby got to keep his dorm. His manager would be moving in next door with Hanbin’s manager, and Hanbin would be moving in with Bobby. This was probably some bright idea concocted to bring Hanbin and Bobby closer, but Bobby was already dividing their territory. His cat Yeobo was neutral in this war, however, and she could not be punished for stepping into Hanbin’s territory. Bobby would have to kill Hanbin for being mean to Yeobo, contract be damned.

He was not sure exactly when Hanbin would show up. He had a free day, but a lot of his friends did not, so Bobby was stuck at home. He would probably just go to sleep when he was done making himself a snack in the kitchen.

Bobby was not a hateful person. Of course, he _did_ hate people – narrow-minded people, bigots, monsters like that, and he felt resentment for his haters and antis, but he had no proper enemies besides Hanbin. He was friendly, did not _want_ to hate or be hated, and it was easy for him to get along with others. He was dubbed the smiley face of YG. It was abnormal that Bobby had so much personal beef with someone that they were unannounced – but official – enemies. He had no idea how he would live with Hanbin. He hoped God would forgive him.

As he poured the flavouring into his ramyeon, the door opened. Bobby sighed and cast a sorrowful glance at Yeobo. Yeobo, on the couch, looked to the door and licked her lips, and Bobby was not exactly _hoping_ she would, but he would not be _angry_ if she decided to eat Hanbin.

Hanbin shut the door behind him. Bobby turned to look at him. Hanbin met Bobby’s eyes. “Where’s my room?”

Bobby nodded down the hall. “It’s the one directly down the hall, not on the far left.”

That was their greeting, Bobby supposed, because Hanbin just headed off after that.

When he walked by the couch, Yeobo let out a tiny meow. Hanbin startled to a stop. “Oh,” he said, and it was the softest that Bobby had ever heard him sound. It was more like a coo. Bobby looked over at them. “You have a cat?”

“Yeobo,” Bobby responded.

“She’s your wife?”

Not funny. “It’s her name.”

Hanbin did not respond. From this angle, Bobby could only see a smile tug at one corner of Hanbin’s mouth. He gave Yeobo and small wave, wiggling his fingers, and then recommenced his walk to his bedroom, keeping his head down.

Something shifted in Bobby’s chest. It was deeply uncomfortable, as though someone had pelted a rock at his heart and knocked it out of place. A heartstring was tugged and the organ pushed uncomfortably on his ribcage, his lung. The feeling made it uncomfortable to breathe. The rock then fell and settled in the pit of his stomach.

At least he would not have to worry about Yeobo’s safety. She looked down the hall where Hanbin had disappeared and licked her lips again. Bobby looked down the hall and did the same.

-❣-

“ _Bobby!_ ” Hanbin screamed down the hall. “What the fuck products do you use?”

Mouth full of ramyeon, Bobby replied, “What?”

He heard a crash in the bathroom, the sound of a shampoo bottle falling. He heard the same crash again. He sighed and went to see what the fuck Hanbin was doing.

When he got to the bathroom, he saw Hanbin knocking products off his shower shelf, like a cat. “Excuse me?” he demanded.

Hanbin picked up a bottle of shower gel from behind a bottle of conditioner, and the conditioner went crashing down to the bottom of the shower. So there went Bobby’s last hair product. He voiced his displeasure, and Hanbin did not listen. Hanbin asked, “Why do you use this garbage?”

“They’re fine,” Bobby said. “Nobody asked you to touch them, anyway.”

“We’re sharing bathroom space now,” Hanbin said, “which means some of your products have to go or we need another shelf.”

“This is my fucking stuff,” Bobby argued. “You can’t just decide what stays and what goes.”

Hanbin, in response, dropped the shower gel to the bottom of the shower, and filled the empty space on the shelf with his own bottle. Bobby placed his bowl of ramyeon on the counter to properly get in on this battle. He picked up his conditioner from the bottom of the shower. “What’s wrong with this?”

Hanbin looked at it. “It doesn’t actually work. There are not enough active natural ingredients in that.”

Bobby looked at it. So the product lied to him? It said it was for damaged hair. “It doesn’t work because nothing can save my hair.”

“No, you just don’t know what you’re doing.”

“Fuck you,” Bobby responded, and put the bottle on the counter. He picked up the shower gel and said, “There is nothing wrong with this. There’s like, minerals and shit in this.”

“It smells like a cheap cologne factory exploded,” Hanbin grumbled. “Mine smells better.”

“I don’t care?!” Bobby said, because seriously, what the fuck, Hanbin? This was Bobby’s home too.

“I know you don’t,” Hanbin said, “that’s why you smell like a fucking prepubescent teenager.”

“You _look_ like one,” Bobby countered.

“At least I don’t shop like one.”

“Fine,” Bobby said, because what the fuck ever, this was so pointless. “You can buy whatever hair products you want if that will make you shut up, but leave my shower gel alone.”

Hanbin sighed. “Fine, stupid, but I get to shower first every time.”

“Why?”

“So I don’t suffocate on your shower gel fumes.”

Bobby wanted Hanbin to suffocate on Bobby’s hand around his throat. He decided to just leave it for now – Hanbin’s stubborn ass would clearly not go down without a fight, and who the fuck would waste their energy on this? This only meant that Hanbin would do the hair care shopping anyway, so it was already a win for Bobby. He just rolled his eyes and took his ramyeon off the counter. As he did so, he spotted some tiny bottles of oil there. He picked one up to examine it – what the fuck was a eucalyptus? Whatever, he did not care. Just whatever. He left it and Hanbin be and went to eat in the living room.

-❣-

It did not get better from there. Hanbin had a problem with the food, the availability of pens in the dorm, the thinness of the walls, and how much quiet time he would get. Bobby had a problem with Hanbin’s shrill voice and nagging and the fact that he possessed a key to the dorm, because Bobby had a feeling that Hanbin would be going in and out of this place a lot more than he would. Bobby wanted more access to the television and Hanbin did not care as long as he kept the volume low. Bobby cared about that. Hanbin also told him that he could not play his music loudly when Hanbin was home. Bobby told Hanbin that he could not _speak_ loudly when Bobby was home. Hanbin said that neither Bobby nor Yeobo was allowed to speak to him when he was working at home, but other than that, Yeobo could talk to him conversationally, and Bobby could not talk to him at all.

They fought over snacks and divided the fridge – Hanbin claiming the left, Bobby claiming the right (he wanted the humidity controlled crisper, it was his birthright as the elder). When they bumped shoulders while applying the masking tape boundary line in the fridge, they practically hissed at each other. It startled Yeobo. Bobby advised Hanbin to run for his life after that.

Hanbin did leave. About an hour later, Bobby got bored. He called Jinhwan to meet up, and Bobby left too.

-❣-

Afternoon sunlight poured in through the window of the restaurant, bathing their lunch table in warmth. As soon as Bobby and Jinhwan sat down, Bobby tilted his head back and drank it in. The weather outside was still cold, but the sun was hot and inviting.

Jinhwan giggled lightheartedly, and Bobby knew the laughter was directed at him. He smiled and rolled his head forward to face the older boy.

Jinhwan said, “It’s good to see you.” He unwrapped his burger. “How are you settling in?”

So this is how it was going to be. Bobby stabbed a forkful of salad and shrugged. Through his mouthful of vegetables, he said, “I’m fine.”

Jinhwan made a face at him. “Stop talking with your mouth full.”

Bobby mocked him by repeating those words in a slightly whinier voice with his mouth full. He unwrapped his own burger and took a big bite. Jinhwan sighed resignedly and ate his own food.

“You don’t have to be rude to me,” Jinhwan said, somehow still dainty and coherent even with food in his cheeks. “I’m just checking up on you.”

“Are you?” Bobby asked. “So you’re not going to interrogate me about Hanbin?”

Jinhwan huffed. Bobby just sent him a look that said _gotcha_. Tentatively, Jinhwan admitted, “I just want to know how you’re getting along.”

“We’re not,” Bobby succinctly replied. “He’s uptight and mean and I hate him.”

“Did you even try to give him a chance?” Jinhwan asked.

“I don’t care about him,” Bobby said. “We’re just coworkers.”

Jinhwan stirred his salad around with his fork. “Jiwon,” he put on his motherly voice, and Bobby was like, _here we go_ , “I love you like a brother, but I love Hanbin like a brother too.”

“Good for you,” Bobby said. “You’re good for YG’s image.”

“Don’t you think,” Jinhwan pressed, “that it would be _odd_ for me to love a bad person so much?”

Bobby shrugged. “I dunno. You have a good heart.”

“It’s uncomfortable for me,” Jinhwan said, “that you two hate each other. I hate knowing it. When I hang out with you, I know you don’t like him, and when I hang out with him, vice versa. You just think mean, horrible things about each other, and for no reason. You just got caught up in your rivalry somewhere along the way and blew everything out of proportion.”

At that, Bobby got serious. “I have a reason,” he said. “I have lots of reasons. You’ve heard what he says about me.”

“And I’ve heard what you say about _him_.”

Bobby slumped in his chair. He grumpily shoved a single lettuce leaf into his mouth. “I don’t like him and I never will.”

“You won’t even talk to him?” Jinhwan coaxed, “For me?”

“Don’t guilt me with that shit, hyung,” Bobby said. “I love you like a brother too, but I don’t love him.” In English, he said, “This ain’t no YG family bullshit.”

“First of all, if you really want to improve in either of your languages, you need to practice formal grammar and not just slang,” Jinhwan scolded. Bobby scoffed. “Secondly, what do you mean, ‘YG family bullshit’?”

“I mean,” Bobby shrugged and elaborated, “don’t use that YG family bullshit to try and… _convince_ me to give Hanbin a chance.”

“ _Yah,_ ” Jinhwan scolded. “Is that all our friendship is to you? Some ‘YG family bullshit’?”

Bobby dropped his fork. His tilted his head, eyes pleading with Jinhwan to give him a break.

Jinhwan did no such thing. “That’s all the kids are to you, as well?” Of course he had to bring up Yunhyeong, Donghyuk, Junhoe, and Chanwoo, people he _knew_ Bobby loved. “The YG family? How about Winner? Them too?”

Bobby took his scolding as well as he could. He sniffled and looked down at his hands. When he was sure Jinhwan was waiting for a reply, Bobby muttered, “Of course not. I love you guys. That’s not what I meant.”

“What did you mean, Jiwon?”

“I just meant _him_.” Bobby raised his head, pout set on his lips. “I just meant Hanbin. He’s not my family. Even though we’re in the YG family, he’s not my family. That’s all I meant, hyung…”

Jinhwan released a long breath through his nose. “So you’re not even going to try? Not even for the rest of your family?” Bobby shrugged. Jinhwan’s features softened. Bobby relaxed his shoulders. “Fine,” Jinhwan said. “For the record, I really think it would do you good to just talk to him.”

Bobby sniffled again and mumbled. He poked at his food, suddenly not hungry.

Softly, Jinhwan said, “Hey… you _are_ getting better at Korean, you know. I can hear it in your music.”

Bobby lifted his head. His lips twitched into a lopsided smile. “Hanbin says I sound like an illiterate dog.”

Jinhwan laughed out loud, then quickly covered his mouth. “Oh Hanbin…”

Bobby said, “You know, I don’t mind working with Hanbin so much.”

Jinhwan raised his eyebrows. “Really?”

“Yeah,” Bobby said. He explained, “It’s like… you know in normal jobs, like office jobs, how everyone has that coworker they hate? Hanbin is that guy for me.” Jinhwan’s laugh had a sad edge to it. Bobby continued, “It’s good though. It makes me feel normal, like maybe I have a normal job, maybe I have a wife and a kid and a picket fence somewhere.”

Jinhwan smiled. “Maybe in another life.”

“Yeah…” Bobby sniffled.

Jinhwan frowned, eyes glassy and glittering. “Hey,” he started, and Bobby did not want to deal with his sad voice at the moment.

Theatrically, Bobby reached over and stole a forkful of lettuce out of Jinhwan’s salad. He took a bite and then offered the rest to Jinhwan. Jinhwan looked very done with him, but still opened his mouth, and Bobby shoved the food inside.

Deterred but not foiled, Jinhwan asked, “Can you just… can you just tell me when all of this started?”

“All of what?”

“All of your hate. What made you hate him?”

Bobby took a moment, sun wrapping him up in a blanket, comforting him. He thought back.

“I’m not sure,” Bobby said. “I went on my own in 2013, and that’s when I dropped the diss track on idol rappers. I wanted to distance myself, you know? I didn’t hate idol rappers. I wasn’t even talking about Hanbin. I was really only talking about idols who don’t write their own raps, or the ones who are rappers because they’re not good enough to be singers. I didn’t like Hanbin then, but I didn’t hate him… _ah_ ,” Bobby remembered. “Then he referenced me in his track and talked about that rumour, and he did it again during Show Me the Money. He hated me before all that, though.”

Jinhwan asked, “What rumour?”

His skin burned below the surface. “That I ditched my family to get famous.”

Jinhwan tilted his head, eyebrows creased, face sympathetic. He was hurting for Bobby, and Bobby appreciated that. “That was wrong of him, I can’t defend that. But maybe you can see why he might have gotten defensive.”

Bobby shook his head. “It’s not my fault he got defensive. He should have been a better rapper.”

“I don’t know about rap, so I won’t speak on that, but I know he can be a better person.”

“I really do not care, hyung,” Bobby resolutely stated. “I don’t care about knowing him.”

Jinhwan surrendered. He insisted that his statement was on the record. That just made Bobby hope he would not have a _criminal_ record by the end of this experience. The two ate in silence.

-❣-

Hanbin ended up lying on his couch at the studio. He wanted to go for a walk, but it was February, and cold as shit outside. So, he ended up back in the building. His return was always inevitable. The warmth of the studio – the lights a false sun – became stifling after a while. It did not help that Hanbin felt like a new chain had been tied around his ankles.

Donghyuk had been blowing up his phone, so Hanbin figured it was time to respond. He texted back, and Donghyuk immediately called him. Hanbin sighed and answered.

“Tell me everything,” Donghyuk demanded.

He and Bobby had told their friend groups about their predicament, but according to the friends, they had both been holding back on details about it. Now that contracts were officially signed, their friends wanted the full story, and they were getting restless. Donghyuk had clearly lost his patience. Hanbin told him about the scolding, the meeting with YG, the new subunit, the reasoning, the goal, and the terms of the contracts. It was cathartic to complain about, in a way. It was real, Hanbin would have to get used to that, so as much as it hurt to acknowledge, he felt like this might be good for him.

“Wow,” Donghyuk said when the speech was over. “I cannot believe… actually, of course I can believe it, but it is amazing that you two managed to legally hate each other too much. This is incredible. You two really held out on us!”

Hanbin made a grumbling sound.

“Bobby hyung only posted one message about it in the group chat, and it was really cryptic, so I’m just—”

Hanbin sighed, “Bobby posted about it?”

“He did,” Donghyuk confirmed. “He didn’t actually ‘say’ anything though. He posted a gif of Kermit the Frog falling to his death. Still unclear on whom Kermit the Frog represents.”

“So why are you calling me? You have all the information right there.”

“I want to talk to _you_ specifically. You do realize how huge this is, right?”

“I assume this is a rhetorical question.”

Donghyuk did not seem to pay attention to him. “You need to take this seriously. This is a lifeline, you know that, right? YG could take legal action against you for hurting the company’s image. He is giving you guys a second chance. This is a _very_ good thing.”

“I am taking this seriously, Donghyuk,” Hanbin assured, “but don’t even try to find the silver lining in this situation. Even _you_ are not optimistic enough.”

“Don’t underestimate me. Look – I have every confidence that you two will fuck this up.”

Not what Hanbin thought he was going to say. “Thanks for the support?”

Not paying attention to him again, Donghyuk continued, “You and Bobby hyung will make some great music, and like, stand near each other in photoshoots, but you won’t put your all into this unit. You will hold back on each other, and you won’t provide enough fan service. The unit will do well, but not by YG Hoejangnim’s standards. When that happens, Hoejangnim will disband your unit, and you two will never interact again. By contractual law, your relationship will have to end, as long as you are in YG. No more diss tracks, no more interaction, no more anything. You can’t damage the image again. You’ll be free. So just get through this, and everything will be okay.”

Even though it was a little critical, Hanbin was grateful for the voice of reason in their friend group. “Thanks, Donghyuk.”

“No problem. I’ll call to check in on you from time to time, okay? You know, just to make sure you’re not hurt.”

Hanbin could not help but laugh at that. “Thanks, DongDong.” He hoped Donghyuk had someone looking out for Bobby too, because so far, it was not looking good for either of them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun Facts on this chapter:  
> \- I was going to have the fic start on a scene from 2014 when they were battling each other on SMTM, but I like how this beginning ties into the end.  
> \- Healing's name is actually Korean (치료 "chiryo") but I wanted to write it in English for the sake of symbolism (...wink).  
> \- Bobby and Barbie are spelled the same in Korean (바비 "babi").


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it has to get worse before it gets better. let's get through it together guys ~ thank you for reading.

Since they did not interact at all in the dorm, being forced to interact in the studio was a challenge. Actually, that was soft-serving it – interacting in the studio was a battle. They had avoided this for a few days, instead trying to work on their own, but their managers told them it was time to bite the bullet and man up.

They were an hour in and just trying to talk as little as possible.

Hanbin had a very dominant personality. It was difficult to work with him. He constantly brushed off Bobby’s comments and suggestions, and he physically shoved Bobby to the side a few times. He had a vision, and he liked to work alone and follow through with his own ideas before he considered anyone else’s. They were a _team_ , though. Bobby was losing his patience.

“Let me play it,” Bobby said, and began playing out a melody on the keyboard.

Hanbin turned the keyboard off. Bobby snapped.

“ _Punk!_ ” he yelled, shoved Hanbin away from the desk, and turned the keyboard back on.

“Hey!” Hanbin yelled right back. “I need to do this, it’s in my own head.”

Bobby vehemently gestured to Hanbin’s songbook. “You wrote the notes _right_ there, I was _reading_ them!”

“Yes, but I wanted to change it.”

“Then _change_ it!” Bobby shouted. He threw a pen into Hanbin’s lap.

Grouchily, Hanbin took the pen and notebook. He scribbled something out and rewrote it.

Bobby took this time to play something random on the keyboard. It would sound nice with a synthesizer. If he could think of an actual melody, he would write it down.

Suddenly, Hanbin grabbed his wrist, keeping his hand over the keyboard. Bobby tried to yank his hand away, but shit, Hanbin was stronger than he looked.

“Don’t move,” Hanbin said. His eyes were blown wide. It kind of freaked Bobby out.

Hanbin flipped to a new page in his book and quickly wrote something out. Bobby stayed put, just as he had been commanded to, and unable to lie to himself, it did hurt his dignity a little. He felt like an obedient dog.

Hanbin showed Bobby the song he had been writing. Bobby was not sure what he was looking at.

“The notes work with it,” Hanbin said. “Do you have lyrics for this?”

“What?” Bobby asked. “For what I just played?” Hanbin nodded. Bobby shrugged a shoulder. “I can come up with something.”

It took a little while, and unfortunately a lot of verbal communication, but they got started on a few tracks together, and even put a few lines of lyrics to each. It was emotionally taxing, but Bobby was relieved. At least he knew now that they could work together.

-❣-

It was the 28th of February, a week after their subunit contracts were signed, and six days after the subunit was announced. The public, to put it lightly, was losing their shit. Hanbin had already handed his sleep schedule over to the Sandman’s evil twin, the… Awake Man… or whoever, because his sleep schedule was fucked. The beginning and ending weeks of each month were always the roughest for Hanbin, those days when he was reminded of how quickly time passed, and he could feel the full magnitude of his time running out.

During his midnight walk around the dorm building, Hanbin breathed in the cold, sharp scent of comeback season. It smelled familiar, maybe like a jail cell to a repeat offender – not like home, but comfortable after all this time.

Minho had called him on the phone earlier in the night.

Hanbin’s day had been pretty easy. He had dance practice for a few hours, washed up, ate lunch, and then he was in the studio, working on his songs. It felt normal, routine, but productive. Hanbin was almost done with the track.

Minho said, “Hey, Hanbin, you alone?”

“Yup,” Hanbin confirmed, pressing a few buttons on the keyboard as he talked. “Just me today.”

“Okay, good, I gotta talk to you.”

Hanbin took his attention away from the song. He turned around in the chair, leaving the equipment behind him. “What’s up?”

“People are starting to talk shit about you and Bobby.”

That was not a surprise at all to Hanbin. “In YG?”

“In YG, the underground, everywhere. I keep hearing shit about you two since YG Hoejangnim announced your subunit. They’re saying some harsh shit, man.”

Hanbin was still pretty unfazed. He knew this would happen. “Alright, thanks for letting me know, man.”

“Hanbin, take this shit seriously. They’re calling you both fake and starting to doubt your whole rivalry. You could seriously lose credibility as a rapper, man. You and Bobby need to fight in the streets or some shit.”

“Can’t,” Hanbin replied. “We’re on a contract.”

“There are rumours about you and Bobby… you know, doing stuff together, that one of you is the other’s bitch, shit like that.”

“To be expected.”

“Bobby has this friend called Jae Min who is criticizing you specifically, saying YG put you with Bobby to save your career. The words ‘pussy ass bitch’ were used. Rappers are starting to take sides like your fangirls, man.”

The fact that rappers cared enough to involve themselves in Bobby and Hanbin’s subunit was… actually kind of unexpected. That threw Hanbin off. “They are?”

“Yeah, and there are not many taking your side.”

“Now _that_ does not surprise me.”

“Just be ready when you start hearing it,” Minho said. “And Hanbin?”

“Yeah?”

“Drop a good fucking album. Shut these pussy ass bitches the fuck up.”

Hanbin laughed despite himself. “Will do.”

He had left his phone in the studio. Even though he tried his best to ignore it, he needed to take a break from it all. The news articles and social media posts were pouring over him in thunderstorms. Hanbin needed to take a moment for himself, to be his own dark cloud.

He sat down on a chair in the playground and stared at the structure in the darkness, remembered running through it and falling on it, playing with the people he did not know he would still know today. He remembered Bobby falling on his face down the slide and remembered laughing. He remembered Jinhwan run to Bobby’s aid and help him up, remembered how Bobby did not complain about the scrape on his cheek, dripping blood, but he did pout an awful lot about it. Hanbin had laughed because Bobby was an idiot. He remembered when it was that simple; when they were that simple.

He looked at the patches of snow around the playground and breathed in the scent of the air. ‘Tis the season of mental breakdowns.

-❣-

Bobby woke up early to eat breakfast. After that, Hanbin was still not awake to nag him, so he took a nap. Hanbin had a fucked up sleep schedule – even more so than Bobby’s – so his appearance in the dorm was unpredictable. Bobby took advantage of the silence when he got it. He woke up again at 11 to start preparing for his lesson.

While he was in the kitchen, he heard the front door open and slam. It startled him.

Bobby marched out of the kitchen to ask what the fuck was going on, but Hanbin started yelling first, asking, “Why did you let me sleep for so long?!”

“What?!” Bobby demanded. “Where WERE you?!”

“In the studio, dumbass!” he shouted back. “My manager came and woke me up and you weren’t even there! Don’t you care about this album at all?”

A few days had passed since the last time he and Hanbin worked together, but Bobby did not feel like their situation was urgent yet. They had four full months left until their deadline. Plus, Hanbin had fallen asleep in the studio a few days ago without throwing a bitch fit about it, so what had Hanbin’s panties in a wad today?

“What does this have to do with our album?”

“I was working on it last night, _without_ you,” Hanbin pointedly added, “and I fell asleep at around 4, and you didn’t even come to _check_ on it? You didn’t even want to leave your lyric book?”

“Fine, just take my lyric book when you need it,” Bobby said.

“It’s not about that,” Hanbin said. “I’ve been avoiding this conversation, but do you care about this unit at all?”

“Of course I care,” Bobby bit out. He supposed it would be unprofessional to avoid Hanbin simply because they hated each other, so Bobby just… kept that reason for his absence to himself.

“Then _act_ like it,” Hanbin pouted. “I could have been working this morning. I have class today! You just wasted so much time…” He rubbed at his eyes.

Bobby rolled his eyes. Hanbin was really blaming him for this. “I’m not going to come wake you up,” he said. “You’re a grown man, you can be responsible for yourself.”

“Oh, you don’t know me at _all_ ,” Hanbin said, exasperated, and trudged off to his room.

When he was out of an earshot, Bobby chuckled at the comment.

-❣-

Progress was slow, but at least the tension had dissipated since their first night in the studio together. There was a palpable feeling of hostility that still existed between them – Hanbin could feel the weight of the poison in his stomach – that had not changed. They could work together now, though. Perhaps the novelty of Bobby had worn off.

Said Bobby was currently on the studio couch, listening to music, and although his notebook and laptop were out, and several papers were scattered around him, he was very obviously Not Writing lyrics. Donghyuk was right – Bobby _would_ be the reason this unit did poorly. (Is that what he had said? Hanbin forgot. It was something like that.)

“Bobby,” Hanbin barked, “listen to this.”

He hit play on the track he was putting together. It was awkward, but the melody was there. It probably was not a hip hop melody, but it was something. You could rap to it; something poetic, make it really emotional and shit. Hanbin could do that. He repressed his emo phase instead of growing out of it. Whatever could be done with the music, Hanbin was quite proud of it.

When the music came to an end, Bobby said, “It’s not great.”

Hanbin did not know what he had been expecting. He turned around and continued writing his song, which was at least _good_ , he was sure of it. A few hours passed, and Hanbin managed to smooth out his beat, and craft the melody into something complementary to it. It was only a rough draft, but it actually sounded pretty good.

“Yah,” Hanbin called. In the hours that had passed, Bobby had acquired a cup of iced coffee. He sipped it, unimpressed by the informality. “Listen.”

Bobby listened again. This time, he said, “It sounds like a song now.”

“Is that a good thing?”

“Yes, because we need those.”

Hanbin figured that was as close to a compliment as he was getting. He ran a hand through his hair and said, “Yeah, great. Give me your lyrics so I can see where you’re at.”

“I don’t have lyrics.”

“What?”

“I don’t have lyrics.”

“What the fuck have you been doing for the past three hours?”

“Nothing, I gave up two and a half hours ago.”

Hanbin blanked. “You’re joking.”

Bobby shrugged, sniffled. He finished his coffee. He then stood up to throw his empty cup in the makeshift garbage bin in the studio. Hanbin could not help but admire such a display of not giving a fuck. Bobby said, “I can’t write anything decent today. I mean, I can’t write for _us_ today. I wrote something, but it’s mine.”

This selfish idiot really did not know how his contract worked. “YG owns everything you write, dumbass. Show me something. Literally anything you have.”

“Not everyone can force themselves to write, Hanbin,” Bobby said.

Hanbin was persistent. Bobby sighed and collected his notebook off the couch. He sauntered over to the composition desk, dropped it in front of Hanbin, then plopped down on the other spinning chair.

Hanbin raised his eyebrows at Bobby. “You’re just letting me go through this?”

“I got that notebook for our unit. It’s not my personal one. I said you could just take it, so there, just… take it.”

Hanbin opened it and flipped through the pages. Ever surprising, Bobby was even cockier and angrier on paper, which Hanbin had not thought possible after meeting him. Hanbin was not sure if he was impressed by that. Anyway, he flipped through, tried to read Bobby’s shitty handwriting around the blocks of scribbled out text. Nothing was that great, and anything salvageable did not have the right feel.

“You suck at writing,” Hanbin commented.

“I didn’t suck when I won Show Me the Money.”

“No, you’re right, the hyungs gave you some good material.”

Hanbin had no proof that Bobby had a ghostwriter. Actually, Hanbin had started that whole rumour. It was payback for Bobby talking shit about idol rappers. Bobby’s diss was probably not directed at Hanbin, in fact, he was most likely not even included in the category of ‘idol rappers’, but the diss was directed at _somebody_ , and the enemy of my enemy is my friend, right?

Bobby grabbed the notebook out of Hanbin’s hands, roughly, and slammed it on the desk. He leaned forward and hissed, “I did not have a fucking ghostwriter, you asshole.”

He would need to work on his intimidation tactics. To Hanbin, he just looked like some kind of ugly, angry bunny. Hanbin shrugged him off.

On the topic of his insult, Hanbin reveled in the memory of his time on Show Me the Money. By the 1 on 1 battle point in the show, it was revealed that Bobby was a trainee in YG, but he tried to keep that information on the down-low. Hanbin called him out for it in their battle. Hanbin lost that round, but he was revived, and he killed Bobby in his individual performance, so that memory was gentle on his mind.

By the time they could write their own songs, Hanbin did not hold back (and neither did Bobby, but leave Hanbin to his happy place, he did not have many).

_‘You’re Teddy hyung’s new protégé and you spread his word like a disciple.’_

There was more to the song, but that was the core insult. Hanbin repeated his lyrics, musing aloud. He smiled to himself. Teddy hyung was a good guy, he forgave Hanbin for that. He understood Hanbin and Bobby’s situation. Everyone just tried their best to acknowledge the drama but respectfully distance themselves from it. He got a few mentions of Dok2 and The Quiett in his other raps later, but Hanbin was not as close to them, and Hanbin trusted they knew the game well enough to survive without an apology.

“Hey,” Bobby glared at him, eyes cut sharp, shards of ice. “I’m having trouble adapting this arrangement, alright? I’ll write more as inspiration comes. But I have _never_ had a ghostwriter. Don’t think that of me.”

Hanbin leaned back in his chair. “Have you always had trouble adapting?”

“Yes.”

“Hm, I remember,” Hanbin said. He narrowed his eyes, appearing to be deep in thought. “Although, I have noticed, you seem to have a lot more trouble _adapting_ when I’m around.”

Bobby kept his eyes on Hanbin. He shook his head as though trying to comprehend something. “You’re not a welcoming person.”

“I don’t give a shit,” Hanbin said. The smile dropped off his face, and he leaned forward like Bobby had, shoulders back and squared strongly. “If you purposely fuck me up again, I will make your life a living hell. And trust me, it will be _much_ worse than a stupid rap calling you YG’s Barbie Doll.”

“What?”

Props to Bobby for looking genuinely taken aback. Hanbin clarified, “Write something.”

“No, go back,” Bobby said. He bit his lip, eyebrows narrowed. “Did you say, ‘ _again_ ’?” Hanbin just raised his eyebrows, like, _duh_. Bobby continued, “When did I ever purposely fuck you up?”

Hanbin laughed. “You forgot? You’re right, it’s not worth being mad about. I should forget too.”

Hanbin tried to turn his chair and end the conversation, but Bobby caught the armrest. “No, seriously, what are you talking about?”

Hanbin rolled his eyes. “You don’t remember our first and last evaluation together?”

Bobby swallowed with a dry click. His jaw clenched. “Of course I remember.”

The mood got dark really fast, even for them.

Hanbin said, “Okay… _that’s_ it. That’s when you fucked me up. We failed that evaluation because of you.”

“Because of _me_?” Bobby asked in disbelief. “I would have done better if you hadn’t fucking scolded me for everything I did.”

Bobby’s eyes wavered – he could not make eye contact, and his lips were pulling into a frown, almost quivering. Hanbin’s jaw dropped, then he broke into a smile. _Oh my god,_ Bobby was **_sad._**

“ _Awhhh_ ,” Hanbin teasingly cooed, “did I make you _cry?_ ”

“Fuck off,” Bobby spat. He picked up his notebook and threw it on Hanbin’s lap, standing up. “Use whatever you want. I’m fucking done with you.”

Hanbin laughed at him. “I don’t want any of this crap,” he tossed the notebook back onto the desk. “Is that why you fucked up the evaluation? Because I scared you? Ah, Bobby, how did you even survive training?”

Bobby stopped walking. “You wanna get beat up?”

Hanbin swayed back and forth in his chair. “You wouldn’t touch me.”

It was a bit of a cheap blow since they were under orders to get along, but Hanbin was resourceful, and content with using whatever leverage he had. It was not that he doubted Bobby would hit him, it was that he doubted Bobby wanted to face the consequences of doing so. Hanbin had a feeling that they were both more afraid of how their friends would react than how their boss would.

They could control their fury now. Their hate did not show itself in bursts of passion anymore – it had settled around their hearts, an ever-present burn beneath their skin. Their hate was like a disarmed time bomb, fuse cut but clock still ticking, still ticking, and nothing could come of it.

Bobby sniffled. “I wouldn’t go near you if I had a choice.”

Hanbin laughed again. He recognized that it was fucked up to get so much joy out of this, but he rarely felt he had enough control over his life, so knowing he had reduced his enemy to tears? It was a power trip.

His hatred was truly an ugly and sickening thing. It was a terrible energy to thrive on. Hanbin felt the ugliness deep in his bones, acid rolling in his stomach and making him sick of himself, but he loved it too. It was enlivening. Bobby deserved it.

He said, “You’re getting really touchy over something that happened five years ago.”

“Are you serious?” Bobby raised his eyebrows. “You are literally still holding this grudge. _You_ brought it up.”

Hanbin shrugged. “That evaluation meant a lot to me. I take my training seriously. It’s not like I’m the one _crying_ about it.”

Bobby walked to the door again. He idled with his fingers wrapped around the handle. He seemed to have made a decision, because he turned back around and said, in a surprisingly calm tone, “I don’t have to prove anything to you, but you seriously don’t know what you’re talking about, and I want you to have the right information about me.”

“You gonna cry aga—”

“Shut up,” Bobby spat. “I just want you to know that I took my training seriously. I just couldn’t work with _you_. I realized you hated me after that evaluation and told the dance instructors that we didn’t get along. They must have worked something out, because after that, we didn’t have to do evaluations together, and I got better. I wouldn’t have said anything if I didn’t care about my training. Now we’re stuck together, so you’re going to have to put in an effort to get along with me, because I am fucking trying here, Hanbin. You’re just being a dick again, like before.”

Hanbin did not have to and would not do shit to get along with Bobby. He nodded, feigning interest. “Wow, that’s great, good for you for taking charge of your future like that, except, I didn’t hate you, stupid. You were just a bad dancer. If anything, you hated _me_.”

Bobby blinked. “I did not hate you. I just couldn’t talk to you because we were awkward. And I messed up because you got in my head and convinced me that I sucked at dancing.”

“You did.”

“Whatever,” Bobby grumbled. “I...” he trailed off. He collected his thoughts and finished, “I got better.”

There was definitely something left unsaid there, but Hanbin did not care at all, so was not going to keep Bobby there longer than they both wanted him to be. Bobby left.

That was when Hanbin started to feel something slip from his fingers, like a ribbon unraveling.

-❣-

It was the end of February now, late afternoon. He would probably take this out on Bobby again later. For now, he was trying to relax with Yunhyeong at the café nearby. Hanbin chugged half of his hot chocolate with whipped cream, felt his heart restart, and leaned his head on the window.

Yunhyeong stared at him while he sipped his macchiato through a straw. “You look healthy.”

Hanbin muttered, “Thank you.”

Yunhyeong insisted, “You really do look okay. You look alive! That’s good. You don’t even have a black eye yet! All things considered, Hanbin, you’re doing fantastic.”

Hanbin withheld the comment on Yunhyeong’s thin and rapidly disintegrating hair. His friend was actually trying to be helpful here, so… “Thanks.”

Yunhyeong sipped his drink. “How’ve you been?”

“I’ve been…” Hanbin searched for the right words. He picked his head up off the window and slumped in his chair. “I’ve been okay. It’s been a little rough.”

Yunhyeong gave him a gentle laugh. “I can only imagine.”

The support was nice. The support rose Hanbin’s spirits. “I think the only person having a rougher time than I am is Donghyuk.”

“ _Ughhhh,_ ” Yunhyeong threw his head back and groaned. Hanbin laughed. “You have no idea. He’s a nervous wreck. He doesn’t want you guys to fight. He checks his phone, like, every two minutes to make sure you don’t need anything.”

“He texts me every five minutes,” Hanbin said, and he could not hold back his fond smile.

Yunhyeong gave him a sympathetic smile in return. “But hey, so far so good, right?”

Hanbin shrugged. “I guess. We only had, like, three real studio sessions together. We don’t talk a lot. He’s mostly working on his solo album and I’m mostly working with the hyungs.”

Yunhyeong nodded and took another sip of his coffee. His nonchalance comforted Hanbin. “That’s better, right? At least you don’t fight.” Hanbin supposed that was true, but he just shrugged. Changing his tone to something happier, Yunhyeong said, “Hey, you’re the talk of the town, you know!” He raised his cup. “Congratulations!”

Hanbin smiled, but he could not feel happy about that. “Thanks, I guess. I don’t think it’s positive attention though.”

“That doesn’t matter,” Yunhyeong said. “What matters is that your album will do well.”

Softly, Hanbin said, “Don’t get your hopes up.”

“Ah, nonsense,” Yunhyeong said. “We should drink to this.”

Hanbin gave a short chuckle. “Trust me, I have.”

Yunhyeong laughed. Hanbin longed for his light heart.

“Cheer up,” Yunhyeong said, and stirred his drink with the straw. “It will get better. You’ll see. Bobby is a good guy! Just give this some time.”

To Hanbin’s dismay… he had actually been thinking a lot about Bobby, and not even in a bad way. Certainly not in a good way, but… in almost an _apologetic_ way. Clearly, Hanbin had gotten something wrong in their past. He hated Bobby before Bobby hated him, and now he was not even sure of the reason, because the only reason he had before was that he thought Bobby hated him. Hanbin felt like something was falling apart, and worse, like that might be his fault. He could not handle that lack of control.

“Hyung…” Hanbin eased into this, and he felt like he was fighting his own tongue to get the words out. “I need some advice.”

Yunhyeong perked up, rapt. The elder loved being a hyung; it was endearing. “Of course.”

Hanbin asked, “What do you do if… if maybe you got something wrong, a long time ago? Maybe… you hurt someone, and you didn’t even know it?”

He hated the look in Yunhyeong’s eyes, like the elder suddenly understood everything. His features were soft and sad. Hanbin looked down at his hot chocolate.

Yunhyeong replied, “Hypothetically, how did I find out I did something wrong?”

Hanbin wrapped his hands around his drink. “You kind of… he kind of told you, in subtext, that you got it wrong, because you thought something of him, but it turns out that something was not true, according to him,” Hanbin added with a grumble, “who is an unreliable narrator and cannot really be trusted…”

Yunhyeong blinked, and he could not mask his confusion if he tried. He coughed to clear his throat and then said, “Uh… can we, uhm, simplify that, please?”

Hanbin said, “He said something and it contradicted what I thought. Hypothetically.”

“Ah,” Yunhyeong nodded. “In this situation – _if_ it ever came up – I would talk to him about it, to make sure the misunderstanding is cleared up.”

Hanbin groaned loudly. He had the same lame advice as Jinhwan always had. They should start a club for hyungs with lame advice.

Yunhyeong pursed his lips. “I guess that means you don’t want to talk to him.”

Hanbin groaned, “Hypothetically.”

Yunhyeong’s eyes shifted to look down. “Well, then, you really won’t like my idea to apologize to him.”

Hanbin felt that one in his chest, similar to the pain of a knife wound. He assumed the pain showed on his face, because Yunhyeong waved a hand to dismiss that idea. So enemy-ship it was then. Oh well. Hanbin had given it his best shot, but there really was no favourable solution to this problem. They were truly a lost cause, hopeless. Hanbin drank another large gulp of hot chocolate and hoped it might have a similar effect to alcohol.

No such luck. He needed a change of atmosphere. Hanbin asked, “How are the guys?”

The tension evaporated off of Yunhyeong’s shoulders. He took a long, melodramatic sip of his coffee, then said, “Ah! They’re too much. You know how Donghyuk just started this smoothie diet? Well, Junhoe is _not_ having it. He says that Donghyuk is eating all of his fruits, but we think Junhoe is just scared of the blender, and Chanwoo is like, curious about wine-making now, so I’m just like, the blender is a bad idea, Donghyuk, I think you should reconsider…”

Hanbin contentedly listened to the story, half in the physical world, half in his own.

-❣-

Bobby blinked into consciousness at seven in the morning. He decided to get up and make something decent for breakfast – he had a dance lesson that day.

At 9am, Hanbin trudged into the living room. By this time, Bobby had eaten, and was watching a Japanese ~~anime~~ film, to study the language. He acknowledged Bobby’s existence and trudged into the kitchen. Today was shaping up to be a good day. It had been a few days since the two had talked, actually. Hanbin just had to keep leaving him alone and everything would be fine.

Of course, Bobby was not allowed to have happiness anymore.

“Mm,” Hanbin grumbled. “What are you doing today?”

Bobby paused his film so as to not miss any important study material. He looked over at Hanbin for the first time that morning—

His breath caught in his lungs. It was always a shock to see Hanbin first thing in the morning; his hair was fluffy, his skin was blotchy but soft, and his facial features were all puffed up. He looked adorable, almost human – unlike the ugly demon he truly was inside. It was sobering. His stomach felt heavy.

Bobby cleared his throat. “I have a dance practice and then I’m writing and relaxing. You?”

“I have a piano lesson and then I’m going to be in the studio.” He whined, “Are you gonna help me today?”

“I always help,” Bobby argued.

Hanbin shook his head. “No you don’t.”

“You’re just being grumpy,” Bobby said.

Hanbin, honest to God, made a _‘hmph’_ noise. What angle was he going for, here? Aegyo? If that was the case, then he was doing a fucking amazing job, and it was infuriating. Hanbin did not deserve Bobby’s attention.

He turned to leave. “We have interview training tomorrow, after your photoshoot.”

“Yeah, I know.”

Bobby stared at Hanbin’s ass as he left and hated himself for it. Seriously, fuck Hanbin. He got back to his film.

Hanbin said, absently, “If you’re watching hentai in the living room, I just want you to know you are a sick pervert and I am disgusted by you.”

“I think that of you even when you’re not watching hentai.”

“Did you just admit that you’re watching hentai?”

He was not watching hentai, but if that made Hanbin uncomfortable, he could certainly be vague enough to insinuate it. “I’m not admitting anything to you.”

From the kitchen, Hanbin said, “Your mother must be so proud.”

Bobby tensed at that. No, this is where the banter entered forbidden territory. Hanbin was not allowed to talk about his family. Bobby paused his film and went to the kitchen.

“ _Yah_ , asshole,” Bobby growled. Hanbin looked up from his bowl of kimchi rice. Bobby’s jaw clenched, eyes narrowed. The corner of his mouth twitched. “Shut the fuck up about my mom. You’re not allowed to say shit about my family, and definitely not my mom.”

Hanbin blinked, appearing shocked. “Fuck man, are you crazy?” It passed as quickly as it crossed his features. Hanbin looked back down at his food and stirred it. “Sorry, I forgot you give a shit about your family now.”

The rumours had started in 2012. They were mostly concentrated in the YG Entertainment circle and YG Intel, maybe spreading to friends of friends for those who liked the gossip. Bobby was still a kid then, and while people loved to talk, they were probably not hankering to hurt a child’s reputation, even less so one they did not even know.

Hanbin had been a child just like Bobby was, though, and Hanbin was not afraid to hurt him.

Apparently, Bobby had left his family in the States to get famous in Korea, and that would not even be a problem, except for the fact that Bobby seemed like he did not care for them. As time went on, people noticed that Bobby did not own expensive clothes, did not keep up with recent electronics, never went out for dinner anywhere fancier than a bibimbap place. The rumour mutated a bit then, and became more probable – Bobby joined YG to get rich and did not acknowledge his family because they did not have much money.

And no one knew Bobby’s home situation – _he_ could have been the one abandoned, or abused, but again, nobody knew that for sure, and Bobby would refuse to answer prying questions. For a long time, he only let Team A and Jinhwan know him. No one else deserved to. They did not care about him, they cared about the gossip. It was more fun to pretend Bobby was a cold, heartless bad guy, anyway, so he let them have their fun. They would talk anyway.

The longer he stayed in Korea without visiting his family, the more likely the rumour seemed. There were no social media posts from them because Bobby asked them to keep his training a secret, as he wanted to be able to hold his own as a rapper first. People did not even hear phone or Skype calls because Bobby wanted to keep those personal. He wanted to see them, he just could not, and it hurt too much to acknowledge. By 2013, he knew he looked bad, and he could not even defend himself. He thought it would just make him look guiltier.

Hanbin was so unafraid to hurt Bobby, in fact, that he mentioned the rumour in a diss track against him.

That was spread fast, and although Bobby was still unsure as to whether this was an official track of Hanbin’s or just something he included in an evaluation, people heard about it. People talked about it. Later, Hanbin did drop it as a mixtape track, and the track became known around the underground rap scene as well as the idol industry. Hanbin never mentioned him by name, but Bobby would have to be an idiot not to know who the message was addressed to.

_‘What kind of son abandons his family for fame and fortune? Are you that ashamed? Did they all deserve to lose you? You’re an enigma, but I know you this well. Only a monster chooses fame over love.’_

And Jinhwan could not jack off to enough YG Family bullshit to save Hanbin from that.

Bobby got in Hanbin’s space. He did not have any height over Hanbin, but he was bigger, and he got close enough to lean slightly over him. Hanbin pushed him back. Bobby put a hand on the back of Hanbin’s neck and bent him over the counter. Hanbin growled and threw his hand out to punch Bobby in the balls.

“Get _off_ of me.”

Luckily, Bobby saw the motion and moved back, but not far enough to be totally out of reach, and Hanbin still managed to land a hit. _Fuck_ , that hurt. Hanbin could have done it harder – Bobby might not be _sterilized_ – but it still fucking hurt. It forced Bobby to let Hanbin go. That punk.

Both he and Hanbin took a moment to collect themselves, slightly bent over and clutching their lower abdomens. Hanbin decided to leave first, but oh no, Bobby was not done with him yet, not after that.

“ _Hey!_ ” Bobby caught the back of Hanbin’s shirt with one hand.

“Don’t _touch_ me!”

Hanbin whirled around and hit Bobby in the chest, and startled by the sudden attack, Bobby threw his arm around Hanbin’s neck and tackled him down, attempting to pin him over the kitchen island. In his impetuousness, Bobby forgot that Hanbin had always been the better dancer. He slipped out of Bobby’s hold. Bobby stumbled forward, pushed Hanbin, and Hanbin grabbed him and threw him down. Bobby caught himself on his forearm and shoulder checked him into the side of the kitchen island. Hanbin bounced off of it, and they fell to the floor in a clumsy heap of boy.

Bobby easily flipped them over. Hanbin whined and swore at him, and Bobby swore back. Hanbin wrapped his leg around Bobby’s body and attempted to flip them back over. He ended up just throwing Bobby against the tile, hard. Bobby screamed out a cry of pain in his face, and Hanbin yelled back at him. Bobby lifted his knee to hit Hanbin’s thigh with it, landed a hard shove to his ribs. Hanbin made a noise of pain, and at that, but still tried to get Bobby’s face to the floor.

He was so damn _agile_ where Bobby was all blunt force. And they could only land hits to the torso because they could not fuck each other up too hard, they were expected to get along, and fuck, this was bad, how did they even get here? Bobby grabbed Hanbin and tried to throw him off, yelled at him to move, they _had to_ stop, but Hanbin clung to him like a spider monkey, punched his shoulder and tried to flip him again.

Bobby pushed him again in response, hard at the chest, trying to get Hanbin the fuck off his legs, because Hanbin was around him and pinning Bobby to the floor—

Hanbin slapped Bobby across the face. Bobby’s jaw dropped. It was not especially painful, but stunned, Bobby froze. Hanbin stared at him, eyes wide. When Bobby clued back in, he slapped Hanbin’s face back (way more satisfying than he thought that would be), and shoved Hanbin’s face down onto the tile, forcefully untangling their legs and pinning Hanbin as fast as he could – _finally_. “What the _fuck_ is **_WRONG_** with you ** _?!_** ”

“ _Fuck you!_ ” Hanbin spat back. He kicked violently, and used his elbow to land a hit on Bobby’s stomach. Winded, Bobby fell limp, and Hanbin pushed Bobby off of him. He rolled out of the way and quickly stood up.

Breathing hard, Bobby sat on his butt and rubbed his jaw. It had startled him more than anything, but it stung a little. When he looked up, Hanbin seemed to be examining his lip for blood. _Weakling_ – Bobby did not push him _that_ hard. Hanbin had fought against him all the way.

Bobby stood up. Seemingly startled by the movement, Hanbin shoved him. Bobby shoved him away, yelling, “ ** _Stop!_** God, Hanbin, stop!”

He really was not hit that hard, he could move around without stumbling. It was hard to fight when you knew you could were not allowed to break your opponent. It was hard to fight when you hated your opponent but did not want to see them broken, for whatever reason, Bobby did not even fucking know. Maybe it was only the fear of their friends finding out. Whatever the case, now he had all this leftover adrenaline and nowhere to put it.

When Hanbin looked at him, Bobby felt a little off balance. Hanbin had tears in his eyes. Bobby’s heart pounded against his lung, tugging at the inside of his chest, out of place.

“I have _never_ left my family!” Hanbin said, voice wobbling but high-pitched and desperate. “I have never abandoned them, and what do I get in return? What the fuck do I get? My fucking dad fucks us over and almost ruins my life, but that’s okay to rap about, right _?_ Because that could have _actually_ ruined me _?!_ What the _fuck_ gives you the right to scold **_me?!_** _”_

Bobby’s misplaced heart dropped. He _had_ mentioned Hanbin’s father in a diss track. He had mentioned it, but everyone mentioned it. That was not a rumour, that was real. How could Bobby _not_ have used that against him? Hanbin had gone after Bobby’s family first. It was a retaliation given to him by God, almost too good to be true. Bobby _had_ to have used it against him.

_‘You’re a liar, but hey, like father, like son.’_

“I— I only said that because you—”

“Fuck you,” Hanbin hissed out, softer than before. “You’re a fucking hypocrite.”

“You dropped that track on me _before_ that shit happened with your dad!” Bobby spat back. “You talked about my family first! You were so fucking _arrogant_ showing off your clothes and your bags and shit—”

“Showing off—?”

“You dropped that shit on me because you _knew_ it would hurt me!” Bobby continued. “You _knew_ what they were saying about my family’s status! But fuck you anyway, acting like you were better than me. You could have your fame, your fortune, _and_ your family. You never even had to _make_ the fucking choice you talked about. You weren’t shit anyway.”

In disbelief, Hanbin repeated, “ _Showing off my stuff?_ ” His eyebrows furrowed. “I was _wearing_ them! It’s what I had! I didn’t control that! I was a fucking _kid!_ ”

Louder than before, Bobby screamed, “ _So was I!_ ”

Hanbin’s mouth shut. Bobby took a deep breath, let it out. He doubted that Hanbin had forgotten that.

“I hate you so much,” Hanbin muttered, and pushed past him to leave the kitchen.

The feeling was mutual. Bobby went to the gym to work the rest of his anger and adrenaline out on a punching bag.

As he calmed down, the haze of mindless fury around his brain cleared out. He started thinking. He kept thinking.

And he just could not help but think – how _could_ Bobby have used that against him?

-❣-

Hanbin flipped through Bobby’s work notebook that night. The more he read through Bobby’s stuff, the more he found he could salvage. It needed work, and the hyungs had really helped Hanbin find good material, but Hanbin was starting to think he could work with this. As difficult as it was to be so forcibly immersed in _Bobby, Bobby, Bobby,_ Hanbin really just wanted to do his job here. He continued looking through Bobby’s lyrics.

All he had from the fight was a healing cut on the inside of his lip and a bruise on his side. It was fine. He would get over it. He was kind of glad it happened, actually – all of their hate had been building up to it. The fight was almost therapeutic, in a fucked up way. The thing that hurt most was that he _admitted_ Bobby had hurt him with those stupid lyrics – displays of weakness were disgusting.

He lied to Donghyuk and said they were fine, always that they were fine, because they were fine enough. They were still alive, like Yunhyeong pointed out, and despite the recent complication, neither had a black eye. They were fine enough to say they were fine. He thought he should really get Donghyuk a significant other; like, at least Jinhwan had Junhoe to care about, so Jinhwan was able to tone down the nagging on him and Bobby. Donghyuk needed a more even care distribution. Hanbin would look into that.

His eyes caught a line he had not previously seen. Bobby had ripped out a few pages of another notebook and taped it into this one, lyrics he had decided to surrender to the subunit, and these lines were on the back of one of those.

_‘We drew a line between us as close friends, but you’re beautiful – today my heart is responding to you. What’s wrong with me?’_

It was messy, scribbled carelessly. It looked inexplicably genuine – the light touch of pen to paper, wandering off the line, nothing crossed out or amended. The feeling of the words carried an essence of sincerity. And Hanbin just wondered, how could a person be so three dimensional? Hanbin had a sense of how deeply he could hate, but how deeply could Bobby love?

Hanbin hated himself for wondering, but he had been wondering a lot lately – maybe not often or about many things, but too much for him, and too much about Bobby.

He wanted to go back to laughing about pointless things, not about someone else’s pain. His mother told him not to be hateful.

Hanbin wondered about the things Bobby’s mother told her son, wondered why it ever mattered to anyone that she might not have a lot of money to give him. Honestly, it had never mattered to Hanbin until he thought it might hurt. Hanbin wondered why he wanted to hurt someone. Hanbin wondered why he had laughed at the blood streaming down Bobby’s neck that day on the playground.

-❣-

Bobby lounged on his bed, playing a game on his phone. Hanbin entered the room without knocking. Bobby let out a long sigh and prepared for a fight.

“This is my room,” Bobby said. “Knock before you come in.”

“Sure thing,” Hanbin said noncommittally. He dropped Bobby’s notebook on his stomach. “I like the love song on page 68.”

Bobby paused the game on his phone and gave Hanbin a confused look. “What love song?”

Hanbin nodded to the book. Curiously, Bobby flipped to the page. He read over the lyrics, and his heart dropped. He was thinking of a guy he fooled around with before when he scribbled that down. It was mindless writing, just something he thought about, and subconsciously recorded on paper. That got in there by mistake.

“Oh,” he said. “I forgot about this one.”

“It’s nice,” Hanbin said. “Is it yours, or ours?”

Bobby shrugged. “It was mine, but since YG owns everything we write, you can have it.”

“Can I really?”

“Will you get off my back if I give it to you?”

“For now, but I still expect you to write songs.”

“Sure then, take it.”

Hanbin took the notebook back, gave Bobby a look. It was not a mean look, just neutral, a question. Bobby gave him a look in return to answer. They had fallen into a place of mutual understanding. They were professionals and had to do their jobs. It was numbing liquid over their wounds. Also, they were not going to tell their friends about the fight, especially not Donghyuk.

“Um,” Hanbin continued, “I was thinking, maybe we could have two slow songs on the album. The first one is going really well, and these lyrics… they’re nice.”

Bobby looked at Hanbin, eyes narrowed, suspicious. “Why are you complimenting me?”

“Because I want these lyrics,” he said. “I want more like this. I want you to keep writing this well.”

The feeling in his chest reminded Bobby that his heart was still knocked out of place by that damn rock. “I always write well.”

Hanbin said, “Yeah, okay,” and left the room, closing the door behind him.

The fight never came. He supposed this is what they would be like from now on – burning embers left over from a fire. Although the hot hatred lingered, the combustion had passed, and they never wanted to have another one. Bobby was sure that one was embarrassing enough for Hanbin. Bobby still had a bitter taste in his mouth from his accidental admission that Hanbin upset him in training. No more fighting. No more unnecessary discussions. They only had their job to do.

The compliment stayed with Bobby, a butterfly in stark contrast to the rock his stomach, and his heart felt a little lighter. A wave of nausea hit him and slowly passed. Through everything, Hanbin had always been a great source of motivation.

Bobby picked up his personal notebook and started writing. He did not have to, but he would prove himself.

-❣-

The subunit had gained enough attention over the past week to secure themselves a spot in High Cut magazine for three months in a row – April starring Bobby, May starring Hanbin, and June starring them both as a unit. Today, Bobby would have his shoot, leaving Hanbin alone for six hours with the knowledge that Bobby would not randomly walk in on him.

So, Hanbin was free to do what he had been dying to do.

Hanbin waited a few minutes to make sure Bobby was truly gone before making his way over the couch. Yeobo lied there with her paws under her chest, content. They had met before, but Hanbin never had enough time to properly interact with her. That would change today.

Hanbin approached the couch slowly and offered his hand out. “Hi, Yeobo…”

Yeobo sniffed his hand and rubbed her face across it. Hanbin’s heart leapt for joy. He gently petted her head.

After getting comfortable with each other, Hanbin placed Yeobo in his lap. Yeobo let him. This was the third best day of Hanbin’s entire life.

They played and cuddled for a while, but sadly, Yeobo lost interest. She was only a cat after all. Hanbin gave her some space. He went to the studio for a few hours, got some coffee, and because he could not waste any more of this opportunity, headed back to the dorm as soon as he could. Yeobo mewed for him. Hanbin involuntarily erupted in compliments for her.

He decided to work from home from that point, watching movies and writing music, allowing Yeobo to sit on his bed as he did so. She came and went from the kitchen when Hanbin made food, and Hanbin snuck her a tiny, responsible piece of cheese. Hanbin felt so much closer to her when Bobby was not around.

After his meal, he picked her up and cuddled her. Yeobo kneaded Hanbin’s shirt and purred.

“ _Ohhhh,_ ” Hanbin cooed. “I love you so much.” He kissed her head. “ _I love you, I love you_.” She deserved so much better than Bobby. “Do you love me?” Yeobo purred. “Do you love me more than Bobby?” Yeobo kept purring. “Don’t worry, I won’t tell him you love me more.” He placed a bunch of kisses on her head.

Unfortunately, time passed quickly. Hanbin had to leave Yeobo alone. Yeobo mewed for attention. Hanbin’s heart melted.

“Ah, Yeobo, we can’t, Bobby will be home soon…”

Yeobo mewed again, looking up at him with wide, expectant eyes. Hanbin caved. He scooped Yeobo up into his arms and gave her a little bounce like a baby.

“Who do I love?” Hanbin cooed, nuzzling into her. “Who do I love? Who do I love?” Yeobo purred again. “I love _you._ ” Hanbin said, and pouted his lips, talking to her in a dramatized cutesy voice. “I love—”

Invested in his affection, Hanbin failed to hear the footsteps outside their dorm, and Bobby unlocked the door and opened it at lightning speed. Hanbin honestly thought it was a bit unrealistic for Bobby to move so fast, but alas…

They locked eyes. Hanbin stood frozen, lips pouted above Yeobo’s head. Bobby stared at them in shock. Hanbin slowly placed a kiss on Yeobo’s head, whispered, “ _You,_ ” and gently set her down on the floor. Bobby continued to stare. Hanbin broke the mutual gaze and speed-walked to his bedroom.

At some point of the night, in the early hours when Hanbin’s brain goes on the fritz, he realized that both he and Bobby admitted they had not yet hated each other in 2012.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun Facts on this chapter:  
> \- Jae Min is an original character. He does not really exist as his own person, though. I just did not want to use the name of a real person.  
> \- bobity was not watching h*ntai but it was pretty sketchy ngl... bobert why  
> \- the lovey-dovey lyrics bobby wrote (for a boy bc this is my fic) are lyrics from Today by iKON!  
> \- the scene with Yeobo was so necessary I love Yeobo (like the tags on this fic state: cats are important but im not going to go into detail yet).


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Happy Birthday Kim Hanbin! An update for his b-day celebration. I cannot express how much this kid means to me, so I will not try. I just hope he knows how deeply I love him (somehow, through the power of fan-ship).

Hanbin and Junhoe hung out in the studio together. Junhoe wanted to practice composition, and since Bobby and Hanbin were no longer on interacting terms, he figured now would be a great time to let Junhoe experiment. Some fresh ideas would be good for Hanbin, might even offset the impending panic attacks for a little while. Junhoe was doing great at pushing buttons so far.

“I’m better at guitar,” Junhoe admitted.

“You’re doing really well on the keyboard,” Hanbin said. He gave Junhoe some help, resting his fingers over notes that would sound nice together, and pushed his hand down. Junhoe smiled at the pleasant sound.

“Nice,” Junhoe commented. Hanbin smiled back. Then Junhoe asked, “How’s your album going anyway?”

“Ah,” Hanbin shrugged, “it’s coming along.”

Junhoe started playing a melody, used his other hand to play the secondo part. It was simple, but had promise. Hanbin stared in concentration and ran his tongue along the inside of his lip.

Junhoe, after not speaking for about a minute, asked, “No pointers?”

“Hm?” Hanbin looked up from Junhoe’s hands. “No, you’re doing fine.”

Junhoe paused, then dropped his hands from the instrument. He faced Hanbin with a sigh. “Okay, you’re not even trying to be fun today. What’s wrong?”

“Fun?” Hanbin queried. “I thought you wanted to learn.”

“I do,” Junhoe insisted, “but… I can’t just pretend that everything is okay. The atmosphere is awkward.”

Hanbin shook his head. “Just Bobby stuff.”

Junhoe frowned and stared him down. “You’re not usually like this about Bobby stuff.”

“What does it matter to you?”

Junhoe looked down. He gave a weak shrug with one shoulder.

Hanbin wanted to tell him. He wanted to ease Junhoe’s mind. Hanbin was too sad lately to banter, and that was just not how he and Junhoe worked. He could get away with it with someone else. He could not interact with anyone _but_ Junhoe right then, however, because the others would pity him, or make him talk, or some other hellish consequence of being their friend would reveal itself. Junhoe was the only safe friend. This meant that Hanbin _could_ tell **_him_** , but _only_ him, and surely Junhoe would tell Jinhwan, and Jinhwan would scold them. Neither he nor Bobby wanted that. This was their problem.

Then Junhoe said, “I don’t want you to get bad again.”

Junhoe did not need to specify the time he was talking about. The result of WIN was literally etched into Hanbin’s skin. The magnitude of the event on his life made references to it obvious.

Hanbin ran a hand through his hair and rested his head in his palm. He did not have to reveal the _whole_ truth. And if anyone understood awkward tension with Bobby, it was Junhoe. “We had a fight recently, and then he caught Yeobo and I together… it’s just at the point of no return for us, honestly.”

“His cat?”

“Yes, I love her.”

“Is this… a weird thing, Hanbin?”

“ _You’re_ a weird thing,” Hanbin rebutted. “I was just cuddling her… but he walked in and saw, and it was just… it was just awkward, you know.”

Junhoe scrunched his eyebrows, then relaxed, a small smile tugging at the corner of his lips. Hanbin let out a long breath as he realized he could still banter. Maybe all hope was not lost.

“Ah.” Junhoe asked, “What did he say to you in the fight?”

Hanbin shook his head. “Usual things.”

Junhoe swallowed dryly. “I didn’t know you care about what he says. You should ask Jinhwan—”

“Don’t tell Jinhwan,” Hanbin sharply cut him off. “And I _don’t_ care.” That was dependent on the situation.

Junhoe’s words caught in his throat, lips still parted. He swallowed. He completed his thought, “I was just going to suggest, you could ask Jinhwan to make Bobby back off. And I would give Bobby the same advice if this was happening to him, so don’t get weird and defensive about it.”

Hanbin resisted the ‘ _you’re_ weird and defensive’ comeback. “This isn’t primary school, Junhoe,” Hanbin said. “You’re the only one still at that level.”

Junhoe scoffed. “You order chocolate milk in cafés.”

“It’s hot chocolate!” Hanbin argued. “It’s a specialty drink. It’s like a milkshake.”

“It’s a specialty drink for toddlers.”

“ _You’re_ a toddler!”

“ ** _You’re_** a toddler!”

They started swiping and hitting at each other’s bodies. In the middle of the altercation, Junhoe broke down in laughter, and Hanbin soon followed.

-❣-

Junhoe and Hanbin went out to eat together, and then Junhoe brought Hanbin back to his dorm. Junhoe insisted it was not to be nice, rather to finish their most recent argument. Hanbin let him say whatever would help him sleep at night.

“Hey,” Hanbin pat Junhoe’s shoulder. “You actually did well tonight. You’re getting better at composing!”

Junhoe scoffed. “You’re just trying to get in my pants.”

Hanbin laughed. “Well, your looks are all you have.”

Junhoe flicked his imaginary long hair off his shoulder. “I thought you were different, Kim Hanbin.”

Hanbin leaned on the door in a ‘cool’ pose, and in his defense, he was _trying_ to look like a doofus. “All men are wolves, Junhoe. You’re just a piece of meat to me.”

Junhoe gasped. “I am worth more than my body!”

“But I like your body,” Hanbin wiggled his eyebrows. He grabbed at Junhoe’s waist, tickling him into submission and pushing him up again the door. Junhoe laughed wildly and tried to push Hanbin away. “I can’t keep my hands off of you!”

Junhoe slapped his face, a little too hard to be flirty, but only meant to be playful. He dramatically cried, “ _Aish, you pervert!_ ”

Hanbin stopped tickling him. He felt the slap in his heart. His smile faltered, fell along with his hands. Junhoe noticed immediately, smile slipping off his own face. He brought his hand up to touch Hanbin’s cheek.

He worriedly asked, “Did I hurt you?”

Hanbin shook his head, moving out of Junhoe’s hold. Junhoe retracted his hand. Hanbin said, “Nah, it’s just— I guess it’s still an open wound.”

Junhoe pouted his lips in curiosity. “What?”

“You know,” Hanbin said flippantly, “from the fight.”

It took Junhoe a moment, but he got it, and gasped when he did. He urgently whispered, “Did he _hit_ you?!”

Hanbin’s jaw dropped. Junhoe looked even more worried. Hanbin quickly whispered back, “I hit him first. Please, **_please_** do not tell Jinhwan, or Donghyuk. Don’t tell _anyone!_ ”

Junhoe pushed Hanbin to the side, away from the dormitory door. He whispered, “Why did you hit him?! I mean, how did it come to this?”

Hanbin got himself into this. He sighed. “We kind of got into it, verbally, and then Bobby grabbed me, and… I don’t even know, I think we tripped over each other, and the next thing I knew we were fighting. It wasn’t even that bad, we were mostly trying to get away from each other actually. I’m not even hurt.”

Junhoe’s eyes were wide and round as two full moons. Hanbin pet Junhoe’s face to placate him. “June, I promise, it’s fine. We don’t want the guys to find out and make a huge deal about it. Don’t tell anyone, okay? Please. For all we know, they already know we fought. They’re expecting this. We don’t need to give them permission to scold us for it.”

Eventually, Junhoe calmed down and nodded. “I won’t tell.”

“Thank you.” Hanbin dropped his hand.

With a serious furrow in his eyebrows, Junhoe asked, “Who started it?”

“Bobby,” Hanbin said, as though that should be obvious. As soon as he said it, he thought of Hanbyul, he thought of his mother… he sighed. “Actually… it was both of us. It was a misunderstanding.”

Satisfied with that, Junhoe’s eyebrows loosened. He hovered for a moment, appearing unsure of himself. Hanbin gave him some time – this was a lot of emotion for one night, and he was very impressed with how Junhoe was braving the unknown.

Finally, Junhoe wrapped Hanbin up in an awkward hug. Hanbin fully embraced him back. Junhoe relaxed, dropping his face onto Hanbin’s shoulder and squeezing him tight.

They stood like that for a hearty few seconds. It was warm and reassuring, and Hanbin did not want to ever let him go. If only.

“Let go,” Hanbin said, “before someone sees.”

Immediately after hearing that, Junhoe pushed Hanbin away and straightened out his own jacket. His eyes scanned the area for onlookers.

Hanbin shook his head and smiled. He even caught the corner of Junhoe’s lips pulling upward. In a serious tone, Hanbin said, “If you’re ever nice to me again, I’ll throw up on you.”

Junhoe scrunched his nose and sneered, “If I’m ever nice to you again, I’ll throw up on you first.”

Hanbin smiled. “Good plan.”

Junhoe scoffed and headed towards the elevator. He pushed the button. “I always have good plans.”

Hanbin scoffed right back. “Yeah, because washing your toilet phone was such a good plan.”

“It still worked!”

“You’re a toddler!”

“You’re a bigger one!”

As the elevator doors closed, Hanbin shouted, “I know you’re afraid of blenders!” and hoped it was not lost.

He smiled to himself, shook his head, then entered the dorm. He stopped short. Bobby was staring at the door, wide-eyed, spoon dangling out of his mouth. Hanbin raised an eyebrow. Bobby looked away.

Hanbin’s phone buzzed. He got four texts from **Junhoe:**

**I AM N O T**

**HYUNG IS THE ONLY ONE WHO THINKS THIS**

**AND HES SGOING BALD**

**HES SENILE**

Hanbin could not help but giggle at the messages. When he looked up, Bobby was staring with interest again.

Hanbin asked, “What?”

Bobby looked down again. “Nothing.”

Was this about the scandalous roleplay game they just played in the hall? Hanbin laughed and shook his head. “That was Junhoe.”

Bobby blinked. “Yeah, I know.”

That settled it then. There was nothing to be curious about. Damn, why did Bobby look so scandalized? Hanbin shook his head, choosing to let this go, and headed to his room. He felt Bobby’s eyes follow him all the way there.

-❣-

They felt kind of bad about not stopping to greet fans, but they were clearly in no condition to do so. They walked out of the building in baggy clothes, beanies, and face masks, without glamour on or light in their eyes. They stepped further apart when they felt the space between them start to close, detecting each other by sound and heat alone since they refused to actually look at each other.

It was just a trip to the convenience store down the street, so after their managers forced Bobby and Hanbin out of the building for some public interaction, they elected to stay behind.

A grey sweater swallowed Bobby whole. He had not even found the energy in him to see what Hanbin was wearing. They might be unrecognizable, or maybe it was still too weird for the public to engage with them. Maybe they just looked like they needed some space. Whatever allowed them to be alone together, they got to the store without incident.

Bobby picked up a package of ramyeon and crunched it in his hand. He was not sure what to buy – they were good for food at home. He tossed the package back onto the shelf, wandered past miscellaneous items on shelves; words and colours disappeared behind the material of his hood that blocked his peripheral vision. He selected a cold coffee from the fridge and brought it to the counter.

It was weird to Bobby that he could sense Hanbin before he looked up to see him. A body appeared beside him to pay for a package of cookies. Bobby knew who it was before he even saw his hands, soft and somewhat dainty with unpronounced bones, a sleepy tremor in his knuckles.

They had not been talking or working together since the fight. It had been easier to coexist with Hanbin when their hatred was a blind game of catch – throw the ball, catch it, repeat. Bobby had not even realized how fucking meaningless it all was. He could go weeks without feeling this tension in his stomach, tight and nauseating. He could always just spit out the acid on his tongue. Now they had to address the issue and live with it, and live with each other. The tension had manifested into a rock.

Talking had made everything worse. Talking had made everything real. So, they decided on silence – as much of it as possible.

They purchased their items and headed back to the dorm in the same silence from which they had left.

Along the way, Hanbin said, “People are going to think it’s weird that we’re not talking.”

Bobby did not see the big deal about that. “We’re not talking.”

“We should at least pretend that we are.”

“I don’t want to,” Bobby declined.

“You’re a baby,” Hanbin said. “You won’t even talk to me for the sake of our careers?”

“I mean,” Bobby clarified, “I don’t want to pretend. I don’t want to be fake.”

“Who cares,” Hanbin said, and it was not a question – they knew who cared. “They’ll talk anyway, so who cares? You’re employed, not fake.”

“I’m still fake if I’m paid to be fake,” Bobby countered.

“Cheer up, Barbie,” Hanbin said, in English, just to drive his message home without confusion. Bobby’s jaw clenched, lip twitched at one corner. “Just get through this, it will be over soon. I know Donghyuk gave you his speech too. Just do what I do – believe in Donghyuk because you have nothing else to believe in.”

Bobby argued, “I do have someone else to believe in.”

Hanbin gave a short, humourless laugh. Rage flared in Bobby chest – Hanbin was laughing at God now. Bobby kept his fists shoved in his pockets. Thou shall not kill.

“I said to do what _I_ do,” Hanbin clarified. Bobby did not respond.

They parted ways in the building – Hanbin went to the studio, Bobby went to his manager’s office. His manager answered the door with a smile. He spoke quietly, “Hey! How’d it go?”

Bobby handed him the bottle of cold coffee and left without a word. He headed back to the dorm. He knelt beside his bed and made the sign of the cross.

“Dear Lord,” Bobby said. “You told me to love my enemy and I am doing the best that I can.”

-❣-

Hanbin went to the studio and played with tracks. He changed a bunch of shit around and added violins because life is meaningless and we all die someday.

Jinhwan called.

“Hello?”

“I want you to be honest with me,” Jinhwan skipped preamble. “What happened with you and Junhoe yesterday?”

Hanbin blinked owlishly in surprise. “Uh, nothing? He just practiced composition.”

“Hanbin,” there was a desperate edge to Jinhwan’s voice, “please, just tell me. I won’t get mad.”

Hanbin swallowed. “Did he tell you something happened?”

“No, and that’s the problem. He won’t talk about you and Bobby. We started talking about you guys yesterday,” _of course they did_ , “and Junhoe just went silent. When I asked him what was wrong, he avoided my eyes and said nothing was wrong. You know Junhoe is a bad liar.”

“So… what makes you think it’s my fault?”

“It’s not Bobby’s fault, so it must be yours.”

“Why do you think that?”

“You expect me to believe that _Junhoe_ and _Bobby_ —”

“That’s fair,” Hanbin cut him off. He could not lie to Jinhwan, but the truth would not do anybody any good. He just said, “It’s a secret.”

Jinhwan was quiet for a moment. “A secret.”

“Yes.”

“And this secret is _so_ secret that you cannot tell me, your best friend, about it.”

“Precisely.”

Jinhwan’s tone was a warning. “What did you do to my boyfriend?”

“Nothing!” Hanbin insisted. “Shit, if he’s lying to you, don’t you think that maybe your relationship is the problem?”

“Kim Hanbin,” Jinhwan deadpanned, “I know Jiu Jitsu.”

“Is that a threat? I thought Bobby was the person I was supposed to be watching out for.”

Jinhwan sighed, resigned. “Hanbin, you don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to. I just wish you hadn’t put this on Junhoe. It’s not fair to him to carry your burden.”

Hanbin swallowed a lump in his throat. He knew that was true. He regretted telling Junhoe the moment his senses returned to him later that same day it happened. He should have never told anyone, like he and Bobby had silently agreed. They both should have just pretended harder from the start, and not said a word to each other from the start. The invisible ribbon was unraveling at a faster pace than before, slipping through Hanbin’s fingers while he desperately tried to get a hold on it.

Jinhwan said, “Goodbye, Hanbin,” and hung up.

It was happening again. Jinhwan chose Healing over Hanbin. Jinhwan let Hanbin go off on his own, left him alone just like before. Hanbin was alone. Hanbin needed someone to hold him and shake him up and tell him to get a grip, and love him and love him more. He drew his knees up to his chest and hugged himself. _Alone, alone, alone…_

No, he was not alone. Jinhwan chose Healing over Hanbin. Junhoe did not.

Hanbin had a friend and had to do right by him.

 **Hanbin:** hey june?

 **Junhoe:** yeah

 **Hanbin:** tell jinhwan.

A minute passed.

 **Junhoe:** u sure?

Two minutes passed.

 **Hanbin:** yeah.

-❣-

He knew what to expect, he just did not have an exact time in mind.

About an hour later, he heard pounding on his studio door. Donghyuk shouted, “Kim Hanbin, open this door!”

Hanbin sighed, accepted his fate, and got up to unlock the door. Donghyuk stormed in with Yunhyeong and Junhoe in tow.

“Are you hurt?” Donghyuk demanded. He gently examined Hanbin’s face and body, patting him down.

Hanbin plopped back down in his chair and said, “No, I’m not hurt at all. I promise. We barely fought.”

Retracting his hands, Donghyuk continued, “I don’t care anymore that you’re my hyung. I am so _tired_ of talking and you not hearing me. Listen to me now.”

With a bruised dignity, Hanbin listened.

“I’ve been a nervous wreck about you two, okay?” Donghyuk spoke, and Hanbin hated that he could hear suppressed tears in Donghyuk’s voice. “I am so fucking worried about you two. I’m worried about you two hurting each other, you two getting punished by Hoejangnim, about your careers, your futures, our friendships…” Donghyuk’s voice wavered. “Everything! I’ve been asking you how you’re doing every day and you’re just _lying_ to me. You’re just _lying_ to me like it’s nothing!”

“Normally,” Yunhyeong stepped in, voice calm and even, “we would not get involved. We never have. But we’re not on the inside of this situation, and we just don’t know how far you have to go to break the rules of your contract. We don’t know, so we’re just trying everything we can to protect you.”

“Not only you,” Donghyuk said, “but all of us. Maybe you two don’t care about being kicked out of YG, but I care. All of your friends care. And maybe you won’t ever get kicked out of YG. Maybe you two are his favourites. Even if that’s true, everything that happens to you and Bobby hyung happens to YG Entertainment. If you hate each other, YG becomes known as the company with artists who hate each other. If you two blow this opportunity, YG becomes known as a shady company with artists who are forced to collaborate. The YG Family image will be tarnished, and that ruins _all_ of our reputations.”

“Don’t even get me started on how this affects shipping in fan culture,” Yunhyeong spoke to the ceiling.

“I just—” Donghyuk ran his fingers through his hair. “Do you guys care about us? At all?”

Hanbin swallowed. “Of course we care. We didn’t mean to have a physical fight.”

“But you did,” Donghyuk said. “It happened. Your rivalry really has gotten to that point and you two did nothing to stop it.”

“Do you see how this is spiraling out of control?” Yunhyeong asked.

Hanbin could feel _something_ spiraling out of control, that ribbon coming undone, and what was worse was that he had no idea how to conceptualize what it was.

“I don’t know what Yang Hoejangnim was thinking,” Yunhyeong said, shaking his head. “You can just feel the hatred between these two. We were all so foolish to think they might work it out.”

There were many things that Hanbin could endure, but Yunhyeong’s disappointed voice was not one of them. Hanbin upset Yunhyeong, the purest force on this Earth. He deserved to be punished.

“I’m sorry, you guys,” Hanbin said. “You’re right, we didn’t care enough. We weren’t even thinking about how it would affect everyone else.”

Donghyuk let out a sigh of relief, dropping his hands from his hair. “Thank you, Hanbin. God, thank you.”

“Wow,” Yunhyeong said, “we didn’t think we would get through to you that quickly.”

Hanbin shrugged. “You’re right about this.”

Donghyuk, visibly filled with a new sense of purpose, crossed his arms over his chest. “Jinhwan and I have been discussing this idea for a while, and I think it’s time. On Monday, all seven of us are going to go out for lunch. _Together._ ”

Hanbin and Bobby had never been invited to hang out with friends at the same time. Everyone knew it would be too weird. Hanbin still knew it would be too weird. So this should be interesting. He just nodded and accepted it.

“Good,” Donghyuk said. “Stand up.”

“What?”

“Just stand up.”

Hanbin stood up, a little unsure on his feet. Donghyuk grabbed and pulled him into a tight hug. Hanbin let out his breath and hugged him back. Yunhyeong came around his back and hugged him from behind. The person he felt at his side, wrapping up the three of them, was probably Junhoe. The thought made Hanbin smile.

“We love you guys so much,” Donghyuk said. “It kills us that something bad might happen to you just because you can’t get along. You need to learn to get along, okay?”

“Okay,” Hanbin said, and his voice shook.

The three released Hanbin from the hug. “Hey,” Donghyuk said. He flashed Hanbin a bright megawatt smile and cupped his cheek, brushing a thumb under his eye. “Sorry if we startled you. You know we’re just protective, right? We want to do everything we can to help.”

“I know,” Hanbin said. He had no idea what he would do without these people. Speaking of which, “Where’s Jinhwan?”

Yunhyeong snorted a laugh. “He’s tearing Bobby a new one. Chanwoo is the mediator.”

Hanbin nodded over to Junhoe. “What’s his purpose?”

Junhoe gave Hanbin a dirty look. Hanbin gave him one right back.

“He didn’t say,” Donghyuk said. “We told him he could hang back, but he wanted to come.”

Junhoe ducked his head. Hanbin’s heart skipped a beat.

“Well, I think we’ve exhausted our purpose here as well,” Yunhyeong said. He gave Hanbin’s shoulder a squeeze. “See you tomorrow, Bin.”

Donghyuk said his farewell and walked out of the room with Yunhyeong. The last to leave, Junhoe slid off the corner of the desk where he had been sitting. From behind him, Junhoe pulled out a bottle of chocolate milk and slid it across the desk. Avoiding eye contact, Junhoe said, “Thank you.”

He should have never involved Junhoe, and he certainly should not have created tension in Junhoe’s relationship. Hanbin did not require his gratitude. “Of course.”

Junhoe nodded. Hanbin picked up the bottle of milk. Of course Junhoe would be cheeky even with his thank-you gift, he admired that. Hanbin then made an overdramatic retching motion at Junhoe. Junhoe was astonished at first, then stuck out his tongue and did the same. With a final dirty look cast in each other’s direction, Junhoe moon-walked out and closed the door behind him.

Despite himself, Hanbin smiled. He looked at the chocolate milk. In another life, the gesture would have made Hanbin truly happy.

But Hanbin was stuck in this life.

-❣-

He was never so rudely reminded of his unfortunate placement in the cosmos than when he was forced to interact with Bobby.

Bobby approached him right in the foyer. “You told Junhoe?”

“Yes,” Hanbin said, “but he wasn’t going to tell anyone. I told him to.”

“Wow,” Bobby said, “you really took yourself down with me, that’s how bad you wanted to see me punished for this. I can’t believe it.”

“No, actually,” Hanbin clarified, “Jinhwan told me I caused problems in his relationship, and I wanted to make sure I didn’t create permanent trust issues for them.”

Bobby paused, lips parted. He blinked. “You know about them?”

Now Hanbin could not believe it. He threw up his hands, raised his voice and said, “Of course I know about them! We have the same friends!”

“Don’t talk to me like I’m stupid,” Bobby jumped in. “I just didn’t know.”

“You _are_ stupid!” Hanbin countered. “You’re stupid, and ugly, and the fucking worst thing that has ever happened to me.”

“I can see the guys really got through to you,” Bobby deadpanned. “You are really trying to get along with me.”

“Shut the fuck up,” Hanbin rolled his eyes. “You’re suddenly into the idea of being nice to me?”

“Fuck no.”

“Then shut up,” Hanbin barked. “God, I hate you. And now we have to go on a fucking group date.”

“Hold up,” Bobby put a hand up to stop Hanbin. “It sounds like you’re blaming this on me.”

“I am,” Hanbin easily confirmed. “Because this is your fault.”

“Holy shit, _what?_ ” Bobby demanded. “You started that fight.”

“You started that fight and you know it,” Hanbin pointed at him, “because you can’t take a fucking joke.”

“It wasn’t a fucking joke to me.”

“Pussy,” Hanbin spat. “You’re a fucking lame rival.”

“Your fault for starting a rivalry.”

Oh hell no, Hanbin stopped him right there. “Seriously? Did you _really_ just blame this shit on me? If one of us is solely to blame here, it’s you. This whole fucking thing is your fault.”

“How the fuck is it _my_ fault?”

“You’re the one who started dissing idol rappers.”

Bobby gave a loud, growly sigh. “I wasn’t even talking about you, and you know that.”

Hanbin crossed his arms. “You could have been. You already hated me.”

Bobby’s eyes narrowed. “ _I did **not. hate you**_ **.** ”

“You wouldn’t pay any attention to me!” Hanbin argued. “I tried to be nice to you and you just brushed me off like I didn’t fucking matter at all!”

“I was _nervous!_ ” Bobby blurted. “I was nervous, okay? I had just moved here from America, I didn’t know what I was doing, I couldn’t adapt, and Winner basically adopted me so I just stuck with them because I was so—” his voice caught in his throat, “ _scared_ , fuck, Hanbin, I could barely talk to anybody. It’s because of them I even smiled at anyone at all.”

Hanbin paused, swallowed with a dry click. “You didn’t smile at me.”

There was a strange look on Bobby’s face, pained by something, a distance beyond his eyes. Bobby said, “I knew I already ruined it with you.”

Hesitant but even-toned, Hanbin said, “You were scared of me.”

Bobby did not respond to that, not directly. “By our second meeting I knew I had fucked it up so I just left you alone.”

A pause for silence. Then Hanbin said, “I didn’t hate you.”

Bobby fidgeted with his bracelet.

“You really did fuck it up.”

Bobby stayed quiet and continued just messing with his bracelet.

When it became clear that Bobby was not going to respond, Hanbin went to his bedroom and shut the door.

-❣-

“Come on,” Katie pushed on Bobby’s shoulders, trying to get him out of his chair. In English, she urged, “Let’s go, get up, time to go.”

Bobby purposely went limp so she would have a difficult time. She scream-growled in frustration, and after a few more pushes, let Bobby fall roughly back against the chair. “You’ve been here for hours! You can’t work all day.”

Bobby’s plan was to just lock himself in the studio and hide from the lunch, but unfortunately, Donghyuk had let the plans slip to Katie, which did not surprise Bobby at all. The kid had probably had wet dreams about this day and it finally arrived.

“Nuna…” Bobby groaned, “Please…”

“Come on,” she smacked Bobby on the shoulder. “I won’t stop bothering you until you get up.”

“Can’t you go flirt with Donghyuk or something?”

Bobby needed no further coercion. He did this to himself. At the look Katie gave him – albeit she was a bit pink in the cheeks, score one for Bobby – he stood up and dashed out of the studio.

Bobby was sort of flopping over himself, walking backwards and sideways to see if he was being chased, and thrashing his arms around just because he felt a little silly at the moment, so he failed to watch where he was going. He knocked into a body. The body was not pleased. Bobby’s natural instinct was to apologize, and he did, and only then recognized the body. He would not have said anything if he had known beforehand who the person was. Also… he was struck with the oddest sense of familiarity.

Hanbin was not mollified by the apology. He scrunched his face up in displeasure. Bobby thought he looked like an ugly monkey and sneered back.

“Can you watch where you’re going?” Hanbin asked.

“Can you loosen up a little?” Bobby countered. He sniffled, looked aimlessly around the room to avoid keeping his eyes on Hanbin. “You’re so uptight, I don’t understand how you have friends.”

Hanbin easily rebutted, “My friends are your friends, so they probably don’t have any standards.”

His head turned to look at Hanbin; it was a visceral reaction to such an easy yet sharp comeback. Hanbin was not looking back at him. Well, the asshole certainly was witty enough to be a rapper, if there was ever a concern of authenticity. Bobby looked away again. This was the wick.

They walked to the cafeteria to meet up with the group of busybodies who were responsible for this hellish play-date. Everyone except Junhoe looked absolutely chipper, which made Bobby’s lip twitch at the corner of his angry smile. Jinhwan immediately caught the insincere expression and sent Bobby a casual wink. This was the match. He did not usually have such vulgar thoughts, but this was a unique experience all things considered, and Bobby’s brain called Jinhwan a whore.

“Wow,” Yunhyeong smiled and said, “look at those bright and happy faces!”

This was the fire.

Bobby quietly told Yunhyeong to fuck off. Hanbin stayed quiet – Bobby assumed he shot his hyung a pointed bitch-face, as they were his specialty.

Donghyuk burst into laughter. He quickly covered his mouth and hid his face in Chanwoo’s arm. Chanwoo diligently bit his lip against a smile. Donghyuk laugh-cried, “They’re so angry!”

Apparently everyone found this hilarious, because their breathing went jerky, and soon everyone was trying to stifle their laughter.

“They look like two angry cats,” Donghyuk added, “right after they have a hissy-fit.”

“That’s right!” Jinhwan pointed in Donghyuk’s direction, and everyone followed with a chorus of “That’s right! That’s what it is!”

Bobby turned around to head back to his studio. “Hey, hey!” Jinhwan yelled after him. Bobby felt an arm loop through his. “You’re staying right here, we already made a reservation.”

None of this would be _intolerable_ if the guys did not find their misery so fucking amusing. Bobby and Hanbin _did_ deserve punishment for having been so inconsiderate of their friends’ feelings. But alas…

Bobby growled through his teeth, “You fucking gnome.”

Jinhwan cheered, “Let’s go!”

They set out on a walk together. They would have to take public transit to their destination, because apparently taking a car would have been the end of the world. Bobby had never felt such a pure form of anger in his blood – it was _surging_ through him. Anger was usually a secondary emotion for him; he usually was hurt first and angry second, but right then, it was all anger, raw and untamable.

He walked alongside Yunhyeong with the hope that no one would have to die today. Yunhyeong nudged Bobby periodically, leaned his head into the side of Bobby’s face and tickled his cheek with fluffy hair, and it did not make Bobby feel _better_ exactly, but it did keep him steady. Behind them, Chanwoo did the same for Hanbin, or his own version of the same. Bobby heard tidbits of their conversation about different types of candy, and with not _one_ insult from Chanwoo, not even a discreet gibe. Bobby was impressed by how hard the kid was trying – it actually made Bobby feel something in his heart. He took a deep breath in and slowly let it out. Yunhyeong gave him a supportive pat on the shoulder.

After traveling for what felt like days, they finally reached their destination. It was a cat café. Bobby’s eyes practically bulged out of his head when he read the sign, and involuntarily, a booming “ _Wow!_ ” escaped his lips. Damn it, Donghyuk – he was really going for play-date planner of the year. Bobby was very angry about feeling less angry. Donghyuk and Jinhwan were absolutely beaming.

Hanbin asked, “Won’t we be recognized here?”

They were all in hoodies, hats, and face masks, but fans would recognize them in morph suits. Jinhwan shrugged. “We’re good so far, and it’s 1:30pm on a Monday, so I think we’ll be fine in the café. Our managers thought it was a good idea.”

Of course they did.

Jinhwan pointed to the bodyguard that had come along. “Plus, we have Seojun hyung.”

Seojun hyung, also in a full body disguise, waved.

Bobby gave a deep sigh. “Let’s just go in.”

Donghyuk cheered, “That’s the spirit!”

Bobby pulled Yunhyeong’s wrist and dragged him inside. Yunhyeong laughed and stumbled along behind him.

Bobby traded his shoes for chinelas as fast as he could and ran into the café. He was immediately greeted by two fluffy babies at the door – a cute little spotted one and a huge Persian, and Bobby dropped to the floor to greet them. The spotted cat sniffed his hand and asked for pets, which Bobby eagerly gave, and the Persian did not ask for pets, but did not reject Bobby petting them with his other hand anyway.

“ _Wow, wow, wow,_ ” Bobby could not help how the word rolled off his lips. He was beaming without even realizing it.

Donghyuk dropped down beside him. “Ah, cute!” he cooed. “This is Spot,” he pet the spotted cat, “and this is Prince Lychee.”

“They have names?” Bobby asked. He wanted to cry.

“Yeah! They have a sign at the front of the café, but I looked at them all online.”

Spot went to go check out the other guests, but Prince Lychee started to purr under Bobby’s hand. He truly was a prince. He weirdly reminded Bobby of Junhoe, too, but he tried to ignore that for the sake of their blossoming friendship. Prince Lychee was not nearly rude enough to be Junhoe anyway.

Jinhwan swooped by to take the drink orders, and Bobby just got an iced coffee. Bobby decided to buy his new friend some treats too. He stood and made kissing noises at Prince Lychee, enticing him to follow. When Prince Lychee saw where Bobby was headed, he jogged to catch up. He was accompanied by a little brown cat, and Spot returned when the bag of purchased treats was opened.

Bobby sat down to feed them. He asked a worker, “Who is this one?”

The worker smiled and said, “That’s Mocha! She is _so_ nice. She’s the nicest here with Kimi. And Miso is so friendly, but very active sometimes. She’s tired now, though. Most of the cats are quieter in the afternoon.”

The worker pointed to a table. A large and fluffy cat was napping on the table, and a child, around preschool age, was petting her very gently with a look of sheer fascination on her chubby face. Bobby’s heart was so warm.

“This one is really nice,” Bobby fed Prince Lychee and gave him a pat.

The worker cooed, “Ohh, I love Prince Lychee, but he does pick favourites, like Min does.”

Bobby beamed. He had been chosen. He fed Prince Lychee another treat. Spot and Mocha complained for their turn.

“Wow!” Yunhyeong’s voice was heard. “Bobby is a cat whisperer.”

Bobby laughed haughtily, a strong, “ _Ha-ha-ha._ ” He gave Mocha her treat.

“Hanbin wants to feed them.”

Suddenly, Hanbin’s body dropped onto the floor, as though he had been pushed directly down. Bobby had sensed him there, hovering beside Yunhyeong, but had not expected to be joined. He tensed up a little, frozen in place. Spot walked onto Bobby’s lap and meowed in his face. Bobby jumped to attention and fed the demanding little fluff-ball his treat.

“Bobby,” Yunhyeong said, and his voice was strained.

Bobby sighed. He scooped out two treats and gave them to Hanbin. Hanbin accepted them gently, probably trying not to touch Bobby’s hand.

Another cat walked out from behind Hanbin. “Oh, hello, Kkulbbangie,” Hanbin greeted them. “You came.”

Perhaps Hanbin had been chosen by a cat as well. Cats were so sweet. Spot betrayed Bobby, though, and was currently crawling into Hanbin’s lap. Prince Lychee walked slowly onto Bobby’s now free lap, lied down, and curled up.

“ _Ahhh,_ ” Bobby playfully groaned, “now I’m stuck here.” He fed Prince Lychee the last of his treats, and after that, Prince Lychee decided to take a nap.

Jinhwan lowered himself to sit between the two boys. “Drinks are at the table. Wow, Hanbin is popular.”

Bobby looked over at Hanbin to see a whole gang of cats crawling over his lap for the last treat. Despite himself, Bobby snorted. “Two of them liked me first. They betrayed me.”

“They realized you’re ugly when you don’t have food for them,” Hanbin said, dead serious.

Bobby darkened. “Prince Lychee genuinely loves me. You’re the ugly one because none of them genuinely love you.”

False laughter bubbled awkwardly out of Jinhwan’s throat. “Hey, Hanbin, let’s let these two lovebirds bond, okay?”

After a moment, Hanbin said, “Yeah, okay.” He fed his last treat to Mocha and left with Jinhwan.

Bobby contentedly petted Prince Lychee. After a little while, Prince Lychee decided he wanted more treats, and he stepped off of Bobby’s lap to flock to the little girl who had just bought food for the cats. Bobby let him go without any hard feelings and went to the table for his drink.

When he got there, he noticed the creature on Donghyuk’s lap. “Woah!” he exclaimed, and took a seat next to him. “What is that?”

“This is Kimi, she’s a Sphynx cat,” Donghyuk explained, petting the naked creature with the utmost caution and care. Kimi purred loudly. “She’s _beautiful._ ”

Donghyuk had a pure heart. A grey cat – Sarang, Donghyuk informed them – sat on the table while Chanwoo pet him, and while Bobby sipped his drink, a fluffy white cat named Angel approached the table and struck up a conversation with Yunhyeong, and demanded to be pet by him. Yunhyeong complied. Laughter sounded from in front of them, and Bobby looked across the café to see Jinhwan and Junhoe playing feather-wrestling with Kkulbbang. A much fluffier black cat sat nearby that looked a lot like Prince Lychee. The fluffy black cat brushed against Junhoe, and Junhoe, with an astonished twinkle in his eyes, gave the cat a delicate scratch on the head.

Behind him, he heard a small laugh. Bobby bristled. He did not know how everything Hanbin did was so distinctly _Hanbin_ , but Bobby knew him by sounds alone now.

“Bobby,” Yunhyeong instructed, “move over so Hanbin can sit.”

Bobby asked, “Why can’t he sit on your side?”

Clearly, that side was occupied – Yunhyeong, Chanwoo, and Seojun filled the booth, and none of them were particularly small and accommodating. Bobby scooted over with Donghyuk to make room. Hanbin awkwardly sat down next to them and took his cup of Coke from the tray. To distract himself, Bobby pet Kimi, and wow, she was surprisingly warm. Bobby was not sure if that was weird or pleasant or both.

“Hey, kitty,” Hanbin spoke. “You want some of my cola?”

The little black cat had jumped onto the table and was currently sniffing Hanbin’s drink. Bobby accidentally looked at Hanbin’s face, and Hanbin was _beaming_. He was the physical embodiment of sunshine and happiness. Bobby did not know Hanbin’s face was capable of displaying such an emotion.

This was the gust of wind that blew the candle out.

“That’s Chunjang,” Donghyuk supplied. “He’s very nice.”

“Sorry, Chunjangie,” Hanbin said, “you can’t drink this. Go get some treats!”

Spot jumped up onto Hanbin’s lap then and swatted at Chunjang. Chunjang leapt off the table, and the two rolled across the floor, playing together. Bobby and Hanbin laughed at the same time, and stopped laughing at the same time.

A small, somewhat suffering meow was heard beside the table. Prince Lychee jumped up onto Hanbin’s lap, then walked across and sniffed Bobby’s face before settling down onto his lap. Bobby’s mouth dropped into an open smile. “Cheechee, you found me!”

“Cheechee?” Donghyuk smiled. “You already have a nickname for him, this is dangerous, hyung.”

“Ahh,” Bobby dismissed that. “When I’m here, this is my cat.”

“He kind of looks like Junhoe,” Hanbin absently commented. Bobby almost jumped in to agree.

The fluffy black cat – Min, Donghyuk informed them – jumped up onto Hanbin’s lap, and she and Prince Lychee sniffed each other’s faces. She sat down on Hanbin’s lap. Bobby thought she was much better company than Hanbin.

Hanbin gave Prince Lychee and Min a few head scratches before taking his drink and going to mingle with the other cats. Min just sat in Hanbin’s empty seat to hang out with Prince Lychee.

“Is there something between those two?” Yunhyeong asked. Bobby looked up, unsure what he meant. Yunhyeong raised his eyebrows and sipped his drink, not looking at Bobby. “I see chemistry.”

He had to be talking about the cats. That is what Bobby chose to believe. They looked good together, aesthetically anyway – like a yin yang, as Prince Lychee was more white than reddish-brown.

Across the table, Chanwoo gave Bobby a supportive _fighting_ motion with his fist – and there was a strange, knowing look in his eyes and his smile – and Yunhyeong gave him a thumbs-up. Seojun ignored them all and carefully interacted with Sarang (which honestly would be Bobby as a bodyguard, he empathized). Bobby just sighed and immersed himself in the rest of the time he had.

Cats are such peaceful creatures.

-❣-

So maybe Jinhwan and Donghyuk had broken him. Hanbin could acknowledge it to himself, but he would not admit it out loud. After Jinhwan had broken up their first almost-fight, the two did not have any more issues for the rest of the day. It turns out he _could_ interact with Bobby in a civil manner, despite the few insults that made their way in.

After they had all eaten lunch in the company cafeteria, the group walked Hanbin and Bobby back to their dorm. Donghyuk threw his arms around Hanbin and enveloped him in a wholehearted hug. Hanbin laughed and hugged much with just as much vigor.

“Thank you so much,” Donghyuk said. “Now I can finally sleep at night.”

Hanbin laughed again. “We’ll try harder, Donghyukie.”

Donghyuk said, “And don’t be afraid to call me, okay? I was so stupid for leaving you alone all this time. If you feel lonely, call me, or any of us, and we’ll come hug you. Okay?”

Hanbin agreed and nodded, smiling brightly. Donghyuk pulled away and squished Hanbin’s cheeks. Yunhyeong was the next to say goodbye to him, then Chanwoo, then Jinhwan. Jinhwan said, “You did well today. Can you and Bobby try to act the same way all the time?”

Hanbin promised he would give it his best shot. Jinhwan pet Hanbin’s face and left with the others.

Bobby had finished his goodbyes, so he went inside the dorm. Junhoe was the last remaining.

“Thank you,” Junhoe said, “for everything.”

“You’re fucking welcome,” Hanbin said, with exaggerated drama. “I just sacrificed myself to save _your_ dumb relationship.” The problem had been his fault in the first place, but whatever. “Now go suck face with your boyfriend.”

Junhoe laughed. “You go suck face with yours, too.”

Hanbin blinked. “Who?” Chunjang was the first man to give Hanbin any love in a long time, barring Obang.

“Your G-Dragon poster,” Junhoe said, smirk high on the corner of his mouth. “Did you two break up?” Not funny – Hanbin pouted and slapped Junhoe’s shoulder. Junhoe giggled and continued, “But you’ve been together for years!”

Hanbin shoved Junhoe in the direction of the elevator. Junhoe finally set Hanbin free, laughing as he walked away.

When Hanbin entered the dorm, Bobby was there, but very shirtless. Hanbin, gay and only human, choked on his spit. He tried to cover it with a cough and swallowed. “Easy there,” he said, “we didn’t get along _that_ well today.”

Bobby snorted. “I’m taking a shower. Just wanted to ask you something first.”

Hanbin raised his eyebrows. “Okay?”

Bobby fiddled with his shirt. “Was that Junhoe?”

“Who just left?”

Bobby nodded to confirm.

“Yeah?”

Bobby did not make eye contact. “What are you always doing with him after everyone leaves?”

Hanbin had _zero_ ideas where this was going. “Just talking…?”

Bobby asked, “Why’d you let him tell Jinhwan hyung about us?”

Hanbin just blinked. “So he wouldn’t have to keep secrets from Jinhwan hyung.”

“Why does that matter to you?”

A humourless laugh fell out of Hanbin’s mouth. “Because they’re my best friends. Would _you_ put your best friends in that situation?”

“No, but that’s not what I’m saying.”

“Then what the fuck _are_ you saying?”

Bobby took a moment. Then he said, “I’m saying, maybe it sounds like you didn’t do it for Jinhwan hyung and Junhoe. Maybe you did it so Jinhwan hyung would stop asking questions about you.”

It clicked then, but it made no sense at all. Hanbin was short-circuiting. “Are you _honestly_ , honest to _God_ suggesting, that I am sleeping with Junhoe ** _?!_** ”

Bobby made eye contact then and raised his eyebrows. “Are you?”

The insinuation that Hanbin could betray his best friend like that made him feel sick. He was offended on behalf of Junhoe too, even though he knew Bobby only cared about hurting him. He sneered at Bobby, shook his head and spat, “You’re _disgusting_.”

Without another glance in Bobby’s direction, Hanbin went to his room, and after changing into something with less cat hair on it, went to the studio.

-❣-

Tuesday came and went, and Wednesday found Hanbin still in the studio, alone, and still seething. He wanted to call one of his friends and just vent his heart out, but Hanbin knew that Winner had loyalties to both Hanbin _and_ Bobby, and he feared they might tell Healing about the ordeal. Telling a composer hyung would risk starting a new rumour. He could not tell anyone in Healing for obvious reasons. Plus, talking about the accusation meant acknowledging that it happened, and Hanbin did not want to deal with that emotionally, either.

Hanbin had immersed himself in work to ease his nerves for the past two days, and he was exhausted. When he woke up at his computer desk a second time, Hanbin decided he should get some dinner and then take a proper nap in his own bed. He saved his work and headed back to the dorm.

Bobby was on the couch watching hentai or whatever the fuck, Hanbin would never ask again. Hanbin made himself a bowl of ddeokbokki and headed to his room to eat it.

Along the way, Yeobo stopped him with a meow. Hanbin’s heart melted. _Oh Yeobo, if only we could be together._ He scratched her head and continued on. Yeobo followed. Hanbin whispered, “No, no, go back to your owner.”

Bobby said, “Just let her follow you.”

Hanbin poked his head into the living room. “What?”

With a reluctant sigh, Bobby said, “Yeobo is not a part of our issues. Don’t punish her just because you hate me. If she wants to be with you, then be with her. Clearly you don’t have a problem spending time with her.”

Although Hanbin blushed at his final comment, if Bobby was jealous, then that just made this whole situation better. With a smile, Hanbin pat his leg for Yeobo to follow him, and they ran to his bedroom together. Yeobo jumped on his bed. He petted her in between bites of food and she conversed with him throughout dinner. Hanbin finally felt at ease.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun Facts on this chapter:  
> \- List of cats in the Cat Cafe:  
> ♡ Prince Lychee - m - Himalayan/Persian  
> ♡ Min - f - Persian  
> ♡ Spot - m - Brown Tabby  
> ♡ Mocha - f - Burmese  
> ♡ Chunjang (Black Bean Paste) - m - Bombay  
> ♡ Kkulbbang (Honey Bread) - f - Abyssinian  
> ♡ Kimi - f - Sphynx  
> ♡ Miso (Smile/Soup) - f - Maine Coon  
> ♡ Sarang (Love) - m - Exotic Shorthair  
> ♡ Angel - f - Ragdoll  
> \- this was also a gift for my friend i love u pal hope u like your own personal cat self-insert  
> \- I debated between a dog and cat cafe. In my opinion, dogs show love in an exuberant and boundless way, whereas cats show love in peace and bonding. This whole fic is about slowly encouraging Bobby and Hanbin to like each other, so I (through Healing) wanted to use the symbolism of cats to carry on that feeling, as Yeobo does at home. Shout-out to Obang honey sorry for excluding you I love you.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I will always respond to you individually but here is just a general thank you to everyone commenting! Thank you also to the people liking and bookmarking. It makes me feel so happy ♡ 
> 
> Also, since I don't connect this account to my social medias, I cannot really communicate any other way but here lmao so I just want to say: to the fic writers here, pls consider letting people comment anonymously! There are many reasons that people, like me, might want to comment on anon instead. That being said, it is your choice. I just wanted to mention it. ^-^

On Thursday afternoon, Hanbin heard a knock on his studio door. He invited them in. Bobby walked in, and Hanbin uninvited them.

“Shut up, ugly,” Bobby just shook his head and plopped down in the chair beside him. Hanbin tensed up, and his already shaky hands trembled from the added stress.

“Why are you here?” Hanbin asked. “We’re not recording today.”

“I’m here to work,” Bobby said.

“Just email me your files.”

“If this is about the other day, when I accused you of…” Bobby cut himself off. “You know. I don’t know if I’m right or wrong, so whatever. I’m over it.”

“ _I’m_ not,” Hanbin jumped in. “I don’t want to be around a person who thinks so low of me.”

“You don’t want to be around me anyway,” Bobby mentioned, “so what’s the difference now?”

Hm. Bobby had a point. Hanbin gave him that, but he would not admit it out loud. He just said, “What have you been working on?” and Bobby took over the computer to open his USB folder.

-❣-

The following day came and went. They could work together, and they did, but Bobby was not sure this tension with Hanbin would ever pass.

Things were different now. Before this their hatred was measurable in diss tracks and insults. Although their beef was personal, it was also impersonal – they had not even known each other, not properly. They had never let themselves meet. Now they _knew_ they hurt each other. Bobby knew how deeply he hurt Hanbin. Their feelings were out there in the open. The tracks were not just tracks, the insults were not just insults. They were forced to face the person they had both been mindlessly running their mouths about all these years.

Morality checks were a little difficult to keep up with when it came to Hanbin, so Bobby liked to use Jinhwan as a moral compass when needed. Would Jinhwan kick his ass for falsely accusing Hanbin of betraying him? Yes, he would. He would decimate Bobby for that.

He knew he had fucked up bad by accusing Hanbin of betraying Jinhwan – and if he could not be sorry to Hanbin, he was sorry to Junhoe, because Bobby had failed to realize in his fit of defensiveness that it takes two to tango, and Junhoe just could not do that, not with how he looked at Jinhwan. But he could not admit that now, because that would be letting Hanbin win, and he would not go that far. He wondered just how much he had fucked up over the years. He almost let Hanbin get in his head and convince him the whole rivalry was his fault, because fuck, Hanbin had some compelling arguments.

Even more than that, after everything that happened recently, Bobby was made hyperaware of the fact that Hanbin was a human being with a human heart. Bobby did not like how that made him feel. His character and morality existed outside Hanbin, and he had gone against both. Jinhwan had already kicked his ass for being mean to Hanbin in general (he hoped Hanbin got the same).

His faith has always butt heads with his hatred for Hanbin. Somewhere in time he had decided they existed as separate entities. He feared he could not do that anymore. He had seen the tears in Hanbin’s eyes that he put there, and he had delivered the same pain he had felt. He could not even look at his cat anymore without feeling his heart flutter against his windpipe, out of place and suffocating as usual. In many ways against Hanbin, Bobby had sinned. He was not sure God would forgive him for this if he did not prove he deserved forgiveness.

This shit had been tormenting him for days. He fucked up bad.

Bobby dropped his head into his hands and exhaled the last of his pride, turning his dignity over to the Lord. He could do this. He was an adult, for God’s sake. (He still tried to believe this would be a healing experience for himself rather than Hanbin.) Rivalries were stupid anyway.

He stretched his neck and cracked his knuckles. Regardless of the character points earned, being the better person sucked. He said a quick prayer outside Hanbin’s studio and then knocked on the door.

-❣-

His hyung had left Hanbin alone in the studio about an hour ago. The two made a lot of progress on the album, so Hanbin was content to work with what he had been given. He did not expect to be, and did not want to be, joined. He and Bobby had been working together a lot lately – did Bobby not need a break too? Hanbin let Bobby in anyway, because he had made reluctant peace with the fact that he had to make an effort if he wanted to get this album done – rather, he surrendered to it.

After calling Bobby in, he just kept his focus on the music equipment. In his peripheral vision, Hanbin saw Bobby lower himself onto the other spinning chair. His hair hung over his face, hands folded in his lap. Hanbin tried to not be so fully distracted by Bobby doing essentially nothing.

Then Bobby said, “I need to talk to you.”

His voice was rough, sad. Hanbin was thoroughly confused. He swallowed, nodded.

Bobby continued, “It was wrong of me to talk about your father on that track.”

Hanbin’s heart _dropped._  

Bobby continued, “I just wanted to get back at you for rapping about my family, but I took it too far. This fight is supposed to be between us, and it was unfair of me to bring your father into it. He’s not your fault. Using that against you didn’t make us even, it was way worse than what you said about me. My character should have been stronger. I apologize.”

Hanbin’s eyes unfocused from the screen about halfway into Bobby’s apology, and he could not focus on anything else but the boy beside him. He stared blankly ahead at nothing. “Okay.”

“Also, now that we’re here…” Bobby continued, “I didn’t mean to start that fight. I think I just got startled when you pushed me and then we fell…” Hanbin thought he heard a small laugh creep its way into Bobby’s last few words. Hanbin’s heart felt heavy. “Yeah. And just _forget_ what I said about Junhoe, please. I got defensive but… I just don’t want Jinhwan to get hurt, so forget it.”

There was nothing Hanbin could say. There was no way he knew how to respond. This was stunning. “Okay.”

Bobby nodded. He seemed to be satisfied with that, so he got up to leave.

Tongue ahead of his mind, Hanbin said, “Wait.”

Bobby sat back down.

Hanbin took a moment to think about what he could possibly say, why his tongue was so resistant to let Bobby leave. He tried to think of what was unsaid. He looked down at his lap and asked, “Why are you telling me this?”

Bobby replied, “I believe in God and Jesus. I believe they would want me to apologize to you for the wrong I’ve done.”

Hanbin raised his eyebrows. “You’ve done more wrong than that.”

“Nah, everything else I’ve done to you was fair game.”

What a punk. Hanbin would laugh if this was anyone else. Hanbin nodded and said, “Okay.”

Bobby got up to leave again. Hanbin put a hand out to stop him. Bobby sat down once more.

Hanbin asked, “Why did you let people spread those rumours about your family?”

The response came more easily than Hanbin had expected. Bobby replied, “My family was kind of poor. Not dirt-poor, but not well-off. I wanted to become a celebrity to support them.” In the corner of Hanbin’s eye, he saw Bobby smile, somewhat wistfully. “I couldn’t afford to see them while I was training, and it just… it made me look really bad. I thought it would look even worse on me if I argued. I just wanted to debut quickly and bring them here as soon as I could, and prove to them that way that I’m a good son. Honestly, I felt like a bad son a lot when I was away from them. I just didn’t want to talk about it. It was easier to seem happy.”

Hanbin swallowed past a lump in his throat and looked down. He saw Hanbyul, his mother, even his father in the back of his mind, despite everything. He stared at his hands.

“You bought them a house here after Show Me the Money, right?”

Hanbin looked up. Bobby was smiling now, glowing with pride. “Yeah, I did.”

Hanbin nodded. He just nodded. “Okay.”

Bobby did nothing for a moment. Hanbin looked over at him. Bobby was leaning forward, eyebrows raised, as if waiting for Hanbin to continue. Hanbin clarified, “Yeah, okay, that’s all.”

Bobby gave him an insincere smile and stood up. Hanbin allowed him to leave.

In the silence of the room, his thoughts became louder – Hanbyul’s laugh, his mother’s supportive words, Obang’s happy barking. He never had many friends, but now he had friends at YG. He felt a pang of phantom longing for Healing and Winner.

He thought of the sincerity in Bobby’s voice, his smile, and the distant look in his eyes, like he was happy but happy in some other place, not there. Bobby would not sacrifice his dignity for a lie. He would be on new levels of messing with Hanbin that Hanbin just could not see him reaching, not yet and not for this. And even if Hanbin was a fool for believing him, only Bobby would know. He could and would avoid the truth with anyone else.

It was getting late again, which meant Hanbin’s mind was leaving him. His fingers ghosted over the keyboard and logged into his Soundcloud. He scrolled down and found his first track, one containing a stupid rumour about a boy Hanbin had not even known, so long ago.

And yeah, Hanbin was stubborn, but not heartless.

He deleted the track.

-❣-

Slumped in the chair in his manager’s office, Hanbin sulked. His manager finished up his phone call and turned to Hanbin with a disappointed sigh.

“Hanbin,” he started, simple but sufficiently vitriolic.

Hanbin just continued slumping. He was already bummed about doing something nice for Bobby, and now he was being scolded for it. Hanbin was a nihilist, but he was now convinced that some force in the universe hated him specifically.

Manager Hyung continued, “You can’t just delete things off your SoundCloud. YG owns those tracks. You have to consult us first.”

Hanbin muttered, “Is it such a big deal? I don’t even have full songs on that thing, just verses and shit Hoejangnim won’t put on a studio album.”

“You are signed to a record label,” Manager Hyung continued, eerily calm, “which means Yang Hoejangnim gave you permission to publish those tracks, because he owns them. You need to let him know before you alter your SoundCloud account in any way.”

Hanbin let out a groaning sound. Manager Hyung did the same.

“It’s copyright, Hanbin,” Manager Hyung said. “Don’t ever do that again. Yang Hoejangnim is being really gracious by not taking your whole account away from you.”

Ha, ‘ _gracious’_ – Hoejangnim probably **_loved_** that Hanbin got them some good publicity.

“ _Ughhhh,_ ” Hanbin groaned again. “I’m not a _child_.”

“Stop whining,” Manager Hyung commanded. “Now go to your room and think about what you’ve done.”

-❣-

When he first entered the dorm on Friday evening, Bobby thought there was a problem with the pipes. It was only when he discovered Hanbin and Yeobo on the couch together that he realized the unholy squeaking noise he heard was Hanbin’s singing.

“Hey,” Bobby barked. “I told you not to punish my cat.”

Hanbin was lying on the couch and Yeobo was napping on his stomach. A song played in the background on their Bluetooth speakers. Hanbin said, “She likes it.”

She clearly did. Bobby tried to feel more betrayed than endeared. Noticing the absence of a friend, Bobby asked, “Where’s Donghyuk?”

“He probably went back to his dorm room,” Hanbin rebutted, but with no real strength. “That’s where he said he would be when he left, but I don’t know his life.”

The sass was _cute_ , but not cute. Whatever, Bobby understood what he meant in his own mind. He shook his head and went into the kitchen, and Hanbin recommenced his horrible, tone-deaf wailing.

-❣-

On Saturday, Minho laid out on one part of the couch in his dorm, and Bobby chilled on the other. They both had decided to take some time to chill before recording their song for Bobby’s album. It would only be a demo, but it was a fairly simple song instrumentally, and their lyrics were polished and ready to go. Bobby felt good about it – he allowed himself some time to relax. They both had a beer, just one, and talked about nothing in particular.

“What is she again?” Bobby asked, looking across the room at Princess Johnny.

“A Munchkin, I think,” Minho replied. He took a drink of beer. “What’s Yeobo?”

“Russian Blue,” Bobby replied. “Really sweet girl.”

“Yeah, Johnny too,” Minho made kissy noises at her. Princess Johnny just lounged on her cat pillow. “So yeah, how was the café?”

“Pretty nice,” Bobby said. “This one huge Persian cat adopted me. His name was Prince Lychee. He kind of looked like Junhoe.”

“His spirit animal maybe,” Minho smiled, “no wonder he liked you so much.” Bobby snorted, and he would have thrown something at Minho if he had anything on hand. “We should get them together,” Minho commented. “Johnny and Lychee, I mean. We could have a royal family.”

Bobby grinned back at Minho, and they both said, “ _Yeahhhhh._ ” in unison.

Minho took another drink, then asked, “Hey, looks like it really helped you and Hanbin, huh?”

Some fansites did manage to get pictures of them. He had a feeling Donghyuk leaked them. Bobby sniffled, took a drink and shrugged. “Ah, it was awkward. We look better in the photos.”

“Not just that,” Minho said, “but this whole thing with Hanbin’s SoundCloud, that’s a pretty big deal.”

Bobby blinked at him. “What about it?” Hanbin did not mention anything, nor did Manager Hyung. Hanbin did not even act any different.

Minho sat upright. “Oh shit, you don’t know?”

Bobby raised his eyebrows. “You think I just stalk his SoundCloud or something?”

“Man, you didn’t see that article about it?” Minho asked.

Bobby sighed. “We’re not as invested in our own drama as everyone else is. What’d he say about me?”

Minho shook his head. “Nah man, it’s not what he said about you. It’s the opposite, actually. He deleted his first track.”

Bobby was sure he heard that wrong. He sat up and leaned forward as well, jaw slack from shock. “What you say?”

Minho quickly put his beer on the table and pulled out his phone. “Yeah, some fans noticed and it blew up.” He typed something out, then gave the phone to Bobby. The page was on Hanbin’s SoundCloud profile. Bobby scrolled down to the beginning, and sure enough, the infamous track titled _‘Mic Check – Verse 1’_ was nowhere to be found.

“Shit,” the word slipped out of Bobby’s mouth without him intending it to. He shook his head, “Nah, Hoejangnim made him do it. He wouldn’t do that for me.”

Minho raised his eyebrows and took his phone back. “Maybe you could ask him?”

No way Bobby could ever ask him – that might allow them to talk about things. Bobby’s heart was already sore from the impact with that dumb rock that would not leave his system. He could not risk realizing anything else, they had both realized enough. They could not let this thing get out of hand. No more talking, and no more apologizing, like before. This was not personal to Hanbin – this was a gift from God to Bobby. That was all.

Bobby downed the rest of his beer. “Studio.”

Minho sighed, downed the rest of his beer, and stood up to follow.

-❣-

Bobby and Hanbin worked together from Monday to Friday without incident. Something between them had clearly fizzled out. Hanbin did not know why Bobby was acting so careful around him all of a sudden, and Hanbin did not know why he felt comfortable working with Bobby now, but that was how it was. The novelty of Bobby had long since worn off, and now, Hanbin supposed the novelty of _them_ had worn off. They were just coworkers in a subunit trying to do their jobs. It was incredibly mundane, and that was more than Hanbin knew how to handle. Perhaps that is why Bobby was being so careful – he was not sure how to navigate their relationship now. Hanbin handled the uncertainty in his own way – by ignoring the monotony and focusing entirely on what he knew, and that was music.

Hanbin felt a hand brush his arm, and startled, he jerked away. His lungs seized up.

Bobby froze with his hand in the air, where Hanbin’s arm used to be. His eyes were wide, lips pouted.

“Did I scare you?” Bobby asked.

Oh how the tables had turned. Hanbin exhaled the breath he had been holding. Damn, that accidental fight really did a number on their already critical problem with trust issues. He shook his head, attempting to shake off the nerves.

Bobby said, “Cat hair.” He brushed at the air. “You have… cat hair on your arm.”

Hanbin examined his arm and saw a clump of grey fur stuck to his white shirt. Oh. Thanks, Yeobo. He brushed it off himself.

Bobby said, “I think she’s shedding more because of spring coming. You know, new coat…”

Bobby trailed off. Hanbin could not believe how awkward he was making this with his trepidation. Hanbin could not believe how awkward this whole thing was.

Hanbin inhaled, exhaled. “You recording today?”

Bobby nervously fumbled around the desk for his lyric book. “Yeah.”

Hanbin returned his attention to the computer screen and resolved to just not look at Bobby anymore. “Let’s get it.”

-❣-

Manager Hyung straightened out Hanbin’s shirt collar. Yunhyeong pushed down Hanbin’s hair and dusted off his jeans. Hanbin batted at Yunhyeong’s hands and complained, but knew he could not fight them off. Yunhyeong insisted that he should have gone for a tighter pair, but Hanbin thought these were perfectly tight enough. The believability of a publicity stunt did not rely on the tightness of one’s jeans.

**NEW YG SUBUNIT DOUBLE B SPOTTED TOGETHER FOR FIRST TIME AT CONVENICE STORE**

**WHAT IS THE NATURE OF BOBBY AND B.I’S RELATIONSHIP?**

**RAPPER JAE MIN SAYS HIS FRIEND BOBBY WILL “SAVE B.I’S CAREER”**

**BOBBY AND B.I SPOTTED TOGETHER AT CAT CAFÉ [CUTE PICTURES!]**

**RAPPER B.I DELETES FIRST EVER SOUNDCLOUD DISS (AGAINST RAPPER BOBBY?)**

**DOUBLE B BROMANCE CONTINUES TO SHOCK NIETZENS**

The news articles and social media gossip poured over them like a never-ending storm. Hanbin was chilled to the bone.

The company decided they would benefit from more positive publicity. People were confused about the nature of Bobby and Hanbin’s relationship now, and doubting old beliefs, so they needed to take advantage of this time of uncertainty and curiosity and instill a new idea into people’s minds – Bobby and Hanbin were not rivals. It currently did not matter whether this was a new development or they were ever rivals at all – those opinions would be shaped later. This idea must come first to build a path of stepping stones.

Hanbin slipped a pen into his pocket, checked himself out in the mirror, then threw on a light jacket and headed out of his room. He waited for Bobby in the foyer.

Bobby emerged from the bathroom a few minutes later. They were in similar styles – dress shirt and jeans, hair gelled up into a casual yet chic quiff. Gay and Only Human Hanbin reluctantly thought the style looked really good on Bobby, better than it did on him. In his hand, Bobby held his lyric notebook that would act as a prop during dinner.

Bobby gave him a halfhearted smile. He threw on a leather jacket (which Hanbin reluctantly thought made him look even better). Hanbin kept his eyes on his shoes and followed Bobby out.

Once they were in the hallway, they both stopped for a moment to catch their bearings.

Hanbin said, “This isn’t a date.”

Bobby scoffed and went ahead of him to the elevator. Hanbin followed.

In the elevator, Hanbin said, “Okay, so, game plan. We just have to make it look like we’re working on lyrics in the restaurant, alright?”

Bobby nodded. It was a simple enough plan of action.

Hanbin nodded back. “Great.” He slipped his hands into his pockets. Bobby just held his own wrist and looked straight ahead.

They did not sit next to each other in the car, and Hanbin felt that made things worse. One of the most difficult parts of living together was the knowledge that they both existed in a confined space. In the car, however minimal the time spent was, the awareness of their proximity was amplified to an unbearable degree. It made Hanbin squirm as if trapped in restraints. The awkward tension between them was irremediable, impossible to mitigate unless they physically barred the tension from coming between them. But sitting together might be worse. Hanbin just did not know what to do. He sat in place and listened to his own unfinished tracks.

The company car took them to the restaurant. Thankfully they were not expected to usher one another out of the car or into the restaurant. They simply walked beside each other, and when they accidentally brushed arms, they tried not to appear as though they had been burned.

They were escorted to their reserved table in the restaurant, and after their drink orders were taken, they were left alone.

“No alcohol?” Hanbin asked. He had not ordered any alcohol either; too casual, too intimate – just not the right mood in whatever context.

Bobby shook his head. He opened his notebook on the table. Hanbin took out his pen and pointed to something.

“Will it be hard to make it look like we’re discussing lyrics?” Hanbin asked.

Bobby shrugged. “Maybe. It probably looks like we’re discussing something now.”

“We are, in a way,” Hanbin said. “We’re even discussing lyrics, in a way.”

Bobby gave a short, airy chuckle. “We’re doing great.”

Hanbin agreed, jumped in and said, “We’re professionals.”

It was hard to hate Bobby in this atmosphere. Dim lights softly gilt his skin, illuminated him a warm and healthy shade of early autumn. He might look handsome if he was not himself. His lips were pulled downward into an awkward sort of smile, small eyes gentle on words they skimmed over, nose periodically twitching up as he sniffled. He could look handsome, but instead he looked sweet, pretty; a goldsturm daisy.

Their drinks came. They ordered dinner, something simple they both saw on the first page of the menu. When the waiter left, Bobby continued, “We _should_ probably go over the lyrics here.”

Hanbin dragged his capped pen across the pages. “It’s hard to focus when I’m not in the studio.”

“It’s even harder to focus here.”

“Much harder.”

Bobby placed his fingers around Hanbin’s pen, gently pulled. Hanbin got the message and released it. Bobby started scribbling something down, and Hanbin interestedly watched. Bobby turned the book to Hanbin, and it read, ‘How does your juice taste?’

Hanbin raised an eyebrow at first, then understood what Bobby was doing. It probably looked like they were very focused on songwriting from an outside perspective. He laughed. “Excellent question,” he said aloud, in an attempt to make it seem like he was offering feedback. Hanbin wrote back, ‘Good, tastes like fruit’, and passed the lyric book back.

Bobby raised his eyebrows and gave Hanbin a look. “I’d hope so.”

Hanbin raised his glass to Bobby.

Bobby smiled and wrote something back. He turned the book to Hanbin. ‘Look at lyrics on page 37?’

Hanbin flipped to the page that was requested of him. He read through the lyrics, dragging his pen down the margin as he did so.

_I want to get to know ya / as a person not a friend / It would be nice if I was with you / I wouldn’t so lonely / You’re my family / We’re friends with benefits / I want to call you baby but I can’t / The night is still young and so are we._

He flipped back to their note-writing page and responded, ‘Be careful about dating.’

Bobby wrote back, ‘I’m not dating anymore. I’ve been writing that one for a long time.’

The professional voice in Hanbin’s mind – or maybe his conscience – told Hanbin to go back and reread it to offer real criticism. Hanbin flipped back to the page. The lyrics were nice, and they carried a palpable air of longing at the same time they were casual open-minded; ready to develop something further, and proposing it, but not quite asking. Bobby was good at writing in a consistent tone. A pang of nostalgia hit Hanbin’s chest, a similar longing for a person that happened to him a little while ago.

Oh no, he was relating to Bobby. Hanbin lost his grip on a ribbon and felt it unravel. He held tighter.

Underneath these kind words were lyrics etched into Hanbin’s brain:

_You’re a liar, like father, like son._

_You degrade me because you can’t amount to me / you never will._

_You talk a big game but you haven’t won a game yet._

_Saying ‘Bobby’s ugly’ as if that could make you handsome._

_I’m confident and that makes you get hard…_

_I’m a man among bitches like you._

The digs should not hurt as much as they did, but it was what it was. Hanbin was human and he bled when he fell down – or in this case, when he was knocked down, always knocked down. And Bobby was not sorry about hurting him. He did not deserve redemption that he did not even want.

Hanbin wrote, ‘Good work’, and turned the book back around. Bobby smiled, but his expression fell when he saw the frown that settled on Hanbin’s face.

He wrote back, ‘You okay?’

Hanbin just drew a picture of a flower to respond.

Their dinner was casual. They kept talking through the notebook, but about nothing. Hanbin had dissociated from the situation. Bobby visibly shrank back into his shell.

In the car, they took their respective spots. An empty seat separated the two of them. Hanbin was already suffocating and squirming.

He felt Bobby’s eyes on him. He looked over at the other boy. “What?”

Bobby toyed with his fingers. “Are we making things weirder?”

“How?”

“By not sitting next to each other?”

Hanbin instinctively scrunched his nose. “Do you _want_ to sit next to me?”

“No,” Bobby said, “but it might help.”

“Help what?”

Bobby shrugged. “Help ease the tension?”

Hanbin scoffed. “If you want to sit next to me so bad, then come here and do it.”

Bobby raised his eyebrows. “Really?”

“Why would I lie about this?” Hanbin challenged. “You think I’m afraid to tell you to fuck off?”

Bobby looked down at his lap, clearly aware that he had stepped into an argument, but unprepared for one. He said, “You don’t seem very approachable right now.”

“Then fuck off,” Hanbin said simply. He put his earphones in and stared out the window.

He felt the seat dip. He chanced a look beside him and saw Bobby pull on the middle seatbelt. Their eyes met. Bobby pursed his lips. Hanbin looked away again.

Bobby pulled out Hanbin’s earphone, and Hanbin slapped his arm, very affronted by such a rude action. Bobby said, “Just to clarify, that was an invitation, right?”

“I withdraw it,” Hanbin said, “because you disrespected me.” He held up his earphone as a reference.

Bobby looked Hanbin up and down. Then he just stared. Hanbin growled irritably and said, “Yes, fine, you can stay.”

“I wasn’t asking to,” Bobby said. He settled down beside Hanbin.

At first they were both frozen in place. As the ride went on, Bobby relaxed into Hanbin, and Hanbin let his head loll back to on the seat to get some rest.

-❣-

This feeling of awkward confusion might actually kill him. Bobby had not felt so helpless and inept in any situation since moving back to Korea alone. He had no idea how to cope with his and Hanbin’s relationship since he found out about the deleted track, and he refused to ask about it because he feared it would be worse to know. Where the fuck could they go from here? They were walking a path to nowhere.

The two stood outside YG’s office. They had been called in for a monthly report. Hanbin and Bobby still participated in regular evaluations of course, but this meeting was specific to their unit. It was strange and stressful, like how early evaluations felt in training. They were still stressful up to a month before debut, but the stress had become familiar by then. Bobby did not think these types of evaluations were ones you could ever get used to.

Hanbin looked even more nervous than Bobby was, but that was a given. Bobby’s shaking hands were genetic whereas Hanbin’s were the result of self-inflicted trauma and sleep deprivation. Hanbin was a nervous wreck by nature. That did not make Bobby feel any _better_ though.

“Hello, Bobby, Hanbin,” YG came out to greet them.

The boys bowed and greeted their boss. The three walked into his office together.

The atmosphere in this room was an aesthetic akin to the paint on his walls, the expensive furniture. Their situation was different now, but the room felt the same. It was liminal and eerie, yet constant – the insubstantial nature of the room would not change, and if it did, then it would be a different room. Bobby was too poetic to label it but not talented enough to describe it; stuck in an in-between.

Hanbin sat down in the spot he took last time. Bobby had taken that spot before during meetings and reprimands, but he did not really care where he sat. He had a feeling Hanbin preferred claiming ownership. During their first encounter, that had just made Bobby hate him more. Now such animalistic behaviour was just _Hanbin_. He had seemed so unmanageable in the beginning, but now he was just a part of Bobby’s life – he had just needed some getting used to. Whatever existed between them had since fizzled out.

YG looked exceptionally happy today. He was not frowning and his eyes did not look as hollow. This was a very good start.

“Boys,” he said, “I am very pleased with the efforts you two have been making to rectify your public image.”

The two bowed in their seats. Hanbin said, “We’re glad, Hoejangnim.”

“Hanbin,” YG addressed him, “did your manager remind you of your freedom in regards to SoundCloud?”

Bobby tuned fully into this conversation.

Hanbin replied, “Yes, Hoejangnim. I apologize again.”

“I forgive you, Hanbin,” YG said. “I was touched by your explanation. You two are handling this exactly the way I expected of two professionals.”

Damn, how was YG so _scary_ when he was being nice? Was he born with that kind of charisma, or was it a practiced skill? Bobby shivered in his seat. He also tried to swallow his heart back down into his chest, because now he knew that deleting the track was Hanbin’s choice. The rock lodged itself into the cavity in his chest where his heart should be.

“Great,” YG concluded that topic. “The producers tell me you two already have a demo of your two title tracks, plus two other album songs?”

Hanbin said, “Yes, Sir. We are always writing music, so we already had the framework of a lot of songs before we were even put in this subunit. We just need to keep developing them.”

“We discovered that our ideas work well together,” Bobby added.

YG nodded, face blank, and Bobby exhaled in relief – the boss was impressed.

-❣-

As the two worked together that week, Hanbin slipped away.

Bobby started to notice it on March 23rd – Hanbin was snapping at him again, throwing tantrums about nothing, staying up all night without making any progress because he was too tired to focus, but too stubborn to let himself sleep until he felt he had accomplished something. His hands shook as perpetually as Bobby’s did.

It was stressing Bobby out too. They were fighting again, throwing tired insults and baseless stabs just for the sake of cutting each other. By Saturday, Bobby decided that he could not stay late with Hanbin in the studio anymore. They worked separately and discussed updates come the following afternoon.

After the kettle stopped boiling and Bobby was alone in the kitchen eating breakfast, he realized how quiet the dorm was. He sometimes missed sharing it with roommates, no matter how loud or messy they were. Bobby was not the perfect roommate himself. He liked the quiet, but he also liked some chaos – he had become accustomed to and comforted by it. Dead silence made him uneasy. Plus, it was a little too quiet for 9am. Hanbin usually found something to nag him for by now… he used to, when he was out of his current state of mind. Bobby did not see Hanbin around the dorm much lately, as the other was always busy with something.

Bobby decided to check up on him, just to make sure he had not accidentally suffocated in the night or something. He brought his tea to Hanbin’s room, knocked on the door. No answer. Respectfully, he only peeked inside, and he saw Hanbin’s bed was rumpled and empty. Hanbin definitely was not there. He might have already gone to a lesson, but the most important thing was not _where_ Hanbin was, but the simple fact that Hanbin was not **_there_**.

He sent Hanbin a text, and waited twenty minutes, but still got no answer. They did not have casual chats, but Hanbin would respond if Bobby texted. It was always implied that there was an emergency if they willingly reached out to each other. Bobby placed his tea on the kitchen counter, got his jacket and mask, and headed out.

-❣-

“Ah, _no_ , Hanbin.”

The sound of a whiny and grating voice roused Hanbin to consciousness. The harsh light of the studio had been turned on, and Hanbin pulled his jacket up over his face as a shield. He loudly groaned in response to the noise.

He felt hands on him, gently shaking him awake. “Come on, Hanbin,” Bobby’s voice was heard again, and annoying as it was, it was also kind of gentle, comforting. “Come on, Bin, we’re getting coffee, let’s go.”

“Mm,” Hanbin declined, “ _nooo._ ” He was too tired to move.

“Come on, you big baby,” Bobby coaxed, still shaking him. “You can’t keep doing this to yourself. You can’t live like this.”

Hanbin was officially falling asleep in his studio again. The ending of old months and the beginning of new months always put Hanbin in this state. He was running out of time. He could not afford to waste time heading back to the dorm to sleep. “Clearly I can,” Hanbin mumbled.

“You’re not living,” Bobby said. “Not if you spend all your time in here. That’s not living.”

He sat on the couch and attempted to scoop Hanbin into his arms, and shit, his arms were strong. Hanbin felt himself being lifted up, and though this scenario was much akin to a fantasy Hanbin had, his prince was never meant to be Bobby. Hanbin resisted.

“ _Ah, punk!_ ” Bobby yelled at him, and roughly dropped him. It was too early for yelling. Hanbin whimpered and pouted.

Bobby sighed, quieted down. “You look pathetic.”

Hanbin was pathetic, and he felt pathetic.

They stayed like that for a moment – one of Hanbin’s legs over Bobby’s lap, Hanbin’s face shoved into the couch pillow. Bobby then placed his hands around Hanbin’s torso, and started pulling at his body again, more gently. It was not a command this time; it was an offer. He could feel it was an act of kindness. The heat from Bobby’s hands snaked its way in through Hanbin’s empty spaces.

Hanbin groaned – one final act of defiance to go down swinging. He then let himself be pulled upright, and dropped his head on Bobby’s chest. Bobby kept one arm around Hanbin’s shoulders to hold him steady.

“What time did you go to sleep?” Bobby asked.

Hanbin could not even remember. He had not checked the time, just fell on the couch and passed out. “I don’t know.”

Bobby made a gruff sighing sound. He moved his arm from around Hanbin’s shoulders and instead wrapped it around Hanbin’s waist. “Come get changed so we can leave.”

They walked back to the dorm together, and Hanbin must have been going insane, because he let Bobby assist him the whole way there. He broke away from Bobby’s side at the dorm though, firmly stating that he could wash and dress himself. Bobby left him to it, loosely mentioning that he never offered to help with that.

Once they both had their sweatpants, sweaters, and masks on, they headed out. Fans had been good about leaving them alone, but perhaps they deserved less credit and more empathy – this was a confusing time for everyone involved.

Hanbin just got the same thing Bobby got, to go. He was not a big coffee drinker – he just needed something to keep him awake. Bobby walked him back to the studio and then left Hanbin on his own.

Hanbin could not get the bitter taste of coffee out of his mouth for the rest of the day.

-❣-

It was officially April and Hanbin was having a fucking miserable time. Hanbin had to complete something, _anything_ tonight. He had a photoshoot the next day that would take up too much of his time, and as soon as Bobby’s photoshoot dropped – tomorrow as well – their time would have to be managed differently to accommodate more vocal and interview training, plus more shoots and interviews. He did not know why his inspiration had to abandon him at such a crucial time, but alas.

It was going on four in the morning and Hanbin realized he was trembling when he ran his fingers through his hair.

“Hey,” he heard Bobby’s voice.

Hanbin ignored him. He kept his eyes closed, head resting in the palms of his hands. He could not handle Bobby scolding him right now, he could not take this. He was so tired, he was so tired…

“Hey,” Bobby spoke again, and his voice was rough, but unmistakably softer, as though fraying at the edges. Hanbin heard the sound of wheels rolling against the floor, felt Bobby enter his space. Hanbin kept his head down and breathed.

“Hanbin,” Bobby said, voice barely above a whisper. Hanbin hated that he felt compelled to respond. He lifted his head, only enough to see what Bobby wanted.

Bobby met his eyes. His hand was raised, but warily, like he was not sure where to put it. Hanbin asked, “What?”

Bobby’s Adam’s apple bobbed as he dryly swallowed. “Can I…?”

There was no cat hair this time. Although he could feign ignorance, Hanbin was luckily not stupid enough to miss what Bobby was asking here. It was weird to him that Bobby cared at all. It was disgusting and disappointing to him that Hanbin wanted it. He gave Bobby a curt nod and looked back down to the desk.

Bobby placed his hand on Hanbin’s shoulder blade. He gently and awkwardly petted Hanbin’s back— hesitant. He was so unsure of his movements. It was a different side of Bobby than the one Hanbin saw on stage, in training, in the studio. This was not practiced passion. This Bobby was emotional and unable to properly conduct himself, unable to express that. If this was any other person, Hanbin would feel endeared.

Why did he care about Hanbin anyway? He told himself to not jump to conclusions, to think about this rationally. Bobby was trying to calm Hanbin down. What good would that do? Hanbin thought about that, and decided it would defuse a potentially bad situation. This was Bobby’s song too. This was Bobby’s career too. Bobby was Hanbin’s partner, but Hanbin was Bobby’s partner too. He was trying to do his part. Because they were partners in this, Hanbin had to meet him halfway.

He took a deep breath, let it out, and repeated. Bobby’s hand motions adapted to the rhythm of his breathing and steadied.

Some time passed. Hanbin calmed down. “Hanbin…” Bobby’s lips shut immediately after saying his name. He sniffled, coughed.

Hanbin turned to him. Bobby had an almost vulnerable expression on his face. Hanbin asked, “What?”

Bobby stopped his hand motions. A chill ran down Hanbin’s spine— he felt lonely again. Subconsciously, he leaned back into Bobby’s touch— _don’t leave me…_

There must have been a change in Hanbin’s expression, in his eyes, because Bobby’s head tilted ever-so-slightly, pondering, then comprehending. He wrapped his arm around Hanbin’s back and lowered his hand to rest on Hanbin’s hip. “You want to keep writing?”

Clued back into the reality of their situation, Hanbin quickly nodded. He placed his hands on the keyboard. He felt like he was being cuddled, and it felt really, indescribably good. “Yeah, let’s— let’s just do it, we have to. We have no choice.”

Bobby nodded. His hand stayed on Hanbin’s hip for the rest of their time in the studio. Hanbin was silently grateful.

-❣-

He had fallen asleep in the studio again. He hoped Bobby would not get into the habit of waking him up at ungodly hours of the morning and forcing him to get his life together.

On the plus side, the sun felt good on Hanbin’s skin. It seeped in through the fabric of his hoodie and kissed at any exposed skin. Hanbin pulled off his hood in the café and basked in it. Bobby did the same.

Hanbin caught himself staring again. Gold was a good look on Bobby.

Hanbin ordered a caramel macchiato with chocolate drizzle because he thought he needed the energy. Bobby got a cappuccino and asked them to put a foam cat on top. Hanbin ducked to hide his smile at that.

It was the sincerity that affected him, Hanbin thought. Bobby wanted a cat on his drink and asked for it, not caring what anyone would think, just doing it because it would make him happy.

Bobby was not all bad. They hated each other, but that did not make Bobby a bad person any more than it made Hanbin one. Hanbin was not perfect, but he was not bad. They both loved animals and their friends and family, they both made mistakes and tried to rectify them, and they both hated to see anyone hurt, even each other. They were not bad. Hanbin did not feel ashamed for smiling at Bobby’s dorky drink order. He just could not let Bobby know, lest things get more awkward between them.

Hanbin added a cinnamon roll to his order. Bobby did not hide his smile well.

The two waited for their drinks at the counter. They were not exactly talking, but Bobby made a comment about a cookie in the display case that was shaped and decorated like a cherry blossom tree, saying that it was cool, and Hanbin was like, yeah, shrugged a shoulder and nodded. When their orders were ready, the barista added two forks to the cinnamon roll plate, and Hanbin knew this barista well enough to know he seemed nervous. Hanbin had always wanted the power to make people nervous, but not like this.

They sat down at a table together. Bobby carried his drink over with such care that it hurt Hanbin’s heart. He wished Bobby was a bad person. It would make this easy.

Quietly, Bobby commented on the drink, “It’s cute.”

Hanbin did not respond for a moment. Bobby sipped at his drink. When Bobby licked the foam of his lips – inelegantly, and Hanbin hated how dorkily charming it was – Hanbin responded, “Yeah, it’s cute.”

Bobby stopped moving entirely. Hanbin tried to divert his attention by starting to eat his cinnamon roll. It was kind of messy, even with a fork. Hanbin had to lick his lips a lot, and he knew he probably looked even dumber than Bobby doing it… he should just get a napkin.

He looked up. Bobby sniffled and looked out the window. Was Hanbin in the clear? He kind of wanted to get a napkin now—

“Uh…”

Hanbin was stopped as Bobby started talking.

Bobby continued, “You…” he struggled to find the words. “You… uhm…” he stopped again with a heavy exhale.

Hanbin could not help but prompt, “Me?”

Bobby blinked at him. He sniffled again. “You,” Bobby repeated; confirmed. He stared down at his coffee. He sighed, “Uhm… you deleted the track.”

Hanbin replied, “Oh.” That caught him slightly off guard. He was hoping they could evade this topic hard enough to escape it forever.

Bobby held both hands around his cup. “Yeah.”

Was that it? Hanbin said, “I’m going to get a napkin.”

Bobby was visibly surprised by the subject change. He looked at Hanbin with wide eyes, then nodded over to the counter, as if granting him permission. Hanbin did not need permission to go, he would have gone anyway… he sighed, because even his sassy thoughts did not invigorate him like they used to. He did not want to hurt or be hurtful anymore.

He just got up to get the napkins without comment and returned to his seat.

Bobby had stopped talking, but he looked restless. His knee bounced, his fingers drummed on his coffee, and he stared out the window, probably at nothing. He was lost in his head.

Hanbin knew that neither of them _wanted_ to talk about it… but, it was torturing Bobby, and Hanbin had to live and work with the guy, so this tension could only make things harder on him. It was all building up to this eventually, right? Hanbin had long since lost his grip on the unraveling ribbon. Acceptance was a form of control – a last resort, but something to ground him.

Hanbin said, “Yeah, I deleted it.”

Bobby stopped shaking. His chest slowly fell as he exhaled a breath. He looked at Hanbin and asked, “Why?”

“Because it was wrong of me,” Hanbin said. “I don’t know whether you care about your family or not. If you really love them, then that track makes me look like an asshole.”

Bobby said, “You are an asshole.”

That was fair. Hanbin said, “Yes, but reasonably. I’m only an asshole when it’s justified.”

Bobby’s lip twitched at the corner, something of a smile. “Was it justified when you made fun of my buck teeth?”

_‘Speak clearly, I can’t understand you. Don’t pretend you’re a wolf when you’re a rabbit.’_

Hanbin clarified in an interview that he was talking about his enemy being the prey rather than a predator, but fans of Bobby and Bobby himself were not fooled by the weak cover story. Hanbin said, “Absolutely.”

Bobby smiled, noticeably closing his lips over his bunny teeth. God help him – Bobby was _cute_.

Rivalries are stupid anyway, Hanbin decided. They do not mean anything. It was all just a game, like a boxing match, and Hanbin should just take his hits better. He could think Bobby was cute. Would now be a bad time to apologize for accusing Bobby of getting plastic surgery? It had been wrong for Hanbin to degrade him for that possibility. Plastic surgery is completely the choice of the individual. It does suck when their decision is influenced by toxic beauty standards, but still, their decision. He thought Bobby looked cute regardless.

Bobby nonchalantly tilted his head and leaned back in his chair. “I don’t care anymore,” he said. “There was a time I cared, but not anymore. I’m not insecure anymore.”

Bobby exuded confidence, but that was comforting to hear anyway. Hanbin took a sip of his coffee and said, “I noticed.”

Bobby gave him a curious look. Hanbin realized they knew each other in a way. They had grown up together in a way. It was weird to finally acknowledge that.

Abruptly, Bobby broke into a full blown smile, teeth showing and eyes disappearing, and he laughed. It shocked Hanbin so bad that he dropped his cup of coffee.

“ _Shit,_ ” Hanbin hissed.

The spill had startled Bobby to attention. He swore and reached for the cup, placing his hands over Hanbin’s and laughing in disbelief. Hanbin was too embarrassed to participate. They caught the cup before everything spilled out, but he made a sizable mess.

“I’ll get more napkins,” Bobby said, and left before Hanbin could argue. When he returned, the barista was right behind him with a towel.

“Ah, I’m so sorry,” Hanbin apologized.

The barista smiled and told him not to worry about it. He suggested that Hanbin and Bobby find a different seat, but Hanbin was too embarrassed to stay any longer. He picked up his cinnamon roll and left the café. Bobby chugged his cat coffee and hurriedly followed.

To make sure that Bobby did not talk to him on the way home, he shoved the remainder of his cinnamon roll into Bobby’s mouth. Bobby shut up and ate happily – Hanbin knew he had seen Bobby eyeing that extra fork.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun Facts on this chapter:  
> \- yeah Mino actually has a cat named Princess Johnny, please stan Winner  
> \- hanbin needed a little push at first to start playing nice, but he actually is putting in as much effort as bobby. it's just more subtle. i was thinking of not having bobby do a formal apology and just having him apologize in a fight, but this seemed more genuine. i could see bobby taking his faith, and jinhwan, seriously enough to apologize, and hanbin needed that push. plus, i have to imagine bobby values family and would know where the line is drawn in this case. i hope i made the interaction seem natural enough.  
> \- I write all the diss lines. Definitely not bragging l m a o just wanted to clarify the copyright. The only one I did not create is "I'm confident and that makes you get hard..." which is from Bobby's song Go.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> well folks we are over the halfway point. backstory to come! thank you so much for reading, kudosing, bookmarking, and commenting. this whole chapter is like, snapshots of their life together, how their relationship is slowly developing. small spoiler warning: get ready for the most awkward bj scene of ur lives choo choo all aboard and here we go (skip to the end notes for info on where the scene starts if these kind of scenes are not ur cup of tea)

Bobby and Hanbin got home from the studio late that night. Bobby had been held hostage by Hanbin again, as he had put it, but he was clearly being overdramatic, as Hanbin let them both out by 1:30am. They both decided to just go to bed to get an early start in the morning. The tension had kicked back up in the studio, a fight was on the verge of breaking out, and on their deadline, they figured it would just be better to sleep the rage off and make actual progress the next day.

Bobby used the bathroom first to get ready for bed, and Hanbin went second since he had more gel to wash out of his hair from the photoshoot. Thankfully, Bobby had eased up on the horrible smelling shower gel. Dare Hanbin say he caught a whiff of coconut? Impressive character development on Bobby’s part.

As Hanbin was walking out, he heard the sound of a theme song playing, like something from a cartoon. He knocked on Bobby’s door. The music stopped and Bobby beckoned him in.

Hanbin opened the door and grumbled, “Use earphones. What are you even watching?”

Nervously, Bobby avoided his eyes. “None of your business.”

What the fuck was that about? Abandoning an earlier resolution, Hanbin curiously asked, “How wild is the hentai you watch, dude?”

“Punk, it’s not hentai.”

“Prove it.”

Bobby quickly clicked on something and said, “Here, come see.”

“You literally just exited the tab.”

Bobby’s eyes widened. “…No…”

It was probably all the coffee he had been drinking recently that caused Hanbin to react in a burst of aggression. He pounced on Bobby and kicked him away from the computer. He only had a tab for some action movie open. Hanbin hurriedly opened his history. Bobby screamed at him, jumped on him and covered his eyes.

“HOW FUCKING BAD IS THIS PORN, BOBBY?”

“It’s not!” Bobby yelled back. “It’s— fine, whatever, it’s an animation.”

Hanbin blinked. The hands were removed from his eyes. Hanbin scooted out from underneath Bobby, looked at him and asked, “What?”

“It’s, like…” Bobby awkwardly moved his hands. “Indie.”

Hanbin scoffed a laugh. “Ah, I see. That’s art major talk for weird.”

“Don’t patronize me. It’s a fun film.”

“Whatever you say.”

“Don’t believe me? Come watch it.”

Was Bobby really this desperate to save his dignity? “I won’t understand.”

“It’s not that hard to follow along. I’m sure you can manage. We can watch this movie after if you don’t like the show.”

Hanbin was actually considering this. It was probably a 1am thing. In the very least, he could use it as a way to mock Bobby. He figured one episode would not hurt.

He accepted the offer and got comfortable on Bobby’s bed, plopping down beside him. When their shoulders touched, they moved apart. Bobby hit play.

-❣-

The sound of knocking roused Hanbin to consciousness the next morning. It was soft and distant, stirring him awake, but not loud enough to really bring him out of his sleepy state. His face was pressed into the mattress, and he left it there. He felt a weight resting on the middle of his back. The pressure was nice. He felt like he was being used as a pillow.

Distantly, Hanbin heard the front door open, and someone calling his name. It sounded like a dream. The sounds grew louder, footsteps approached his door, and then the knocking he heard was much louder. He let out a grumpy groan.

The bedroom door opened. The person sleeping on Hanbin raised his head with a strong sniffle. It startled Hanbin fully awake, and he jumped onto his forearms, raising his head as well.

“Don’t worry, I found him!” Hanbin’s manager called. “It’s a miracle,” he added. “Hell froze over.”

Hanbin heard Bobby making noises next to him. Hanbin looked around the room, and he saw Bobby’s walls, furniture, laptop, Bobby himself. He had fallen asleep on Bobby’s bed, and Bobby had fallen asleep on him. Bobby looked rough. Hanbin imagined he looked similar.

“I knew it would happen,” Bobby’s manager said.

Grumpily, Bobby replied, “We didn’t mean for it to happen.”

“Nobody does,” his manager said. “These things just find a way.”

Bobby grumbled even louder and kicked Hanbin away. Hanbin groaned and dropped his face back onto the mattress.

“Come on guys, get ready,” Hanbin’s manager urged. “You have interview training at 11.”

Bobby tried to crawl off the bed, tripped over Hanbin, and landed on top of his body. He stayed there. Hanbin did not have the strength to throw him off. And damn him – it was a good show.

-❣-

April 5th 2017 was marked as a historical day in the friend group – Bobby and Hanbin agreed to eat together, on their own volition.

Jinhwan, Jaewon, Bobby, Hanbin, Donghyuk, and Seunghoon were eating together today, as most of their groups were doing vocal practice and recording. Jaewon was a special guest. Hanbin sat beside him, Bobby sat across the table, as far from Hanbin as he could get. They were not that close. He could not give Jinhwan bragging rights or anything.

“Nice magazine, Jiwon,” Seunghoon commented. “And your interview was impressive. You only sounded like you hate Hanbin a _little_.”

Bobby caught Hanbin blushing at the compliment. Hm – that was a curious reaction.

“Nice,” Bobby said through a mouthful of food. “Interview training paid off.”

“Better do well, Hanbinie,” Jaewon said with a smile. “Pressure’s on.”

Hanbin smiled at him and placed a hand on his neck, squeezing gently.

The rock in Bobby’s stomach tumbled with a wave of nerves.

“He’ll do well,” Donghyuk said, beaming over at Hanbin. Hanbin shyly ducked his head, hiding his face in Jaewon’s shoulder.

Bobby could not take his eyes off them. It was pretty intimate. He was starting to feel uncomfortable.

“He better,” Seunghoon said. “You better do well on this whole debut! You’re making us come back a month earlier than planned now, and Minho hyung is _struggling_ , so you have to avenge us.”

Hanbin laughed and promised to do his best. Jaewon giggled and gave Hanbin a supportive hug. Hanbin leaned in closer to Jaewon, lips _way_ too close to his neck…

And Bobby snapped, “Can you two get a room?”

Hanbin looked to Bobby, eyes wide and shocked. Jaewon’s jaw dropped. Uneasily, Hanbin pulled away.

Bobby looked down. When he stole a glance at Donghyuk – because he was not brave enough to chance one at Jinhwan – the boy’s look was _scathing_.

Bobby took it upon himself to leave first.

-❣-

It was not fun to drink alone. Hanbin caved to Bobby’s whining for a drinking buddy. To celebrate Bobby’s magazine shoot doing well, the two sat in the living room together and drank soju, which of course meant drinking games. Apparently, Bobby liked Western games.

Into the middle of their game, Hanbin said, “Never have I ever…” swaying back and forth a little, “had a crush on someone outside of YG.”

Bobby laughed. “Never? Seriously?” He downed a shot, kept laughing.

Hanbin just shrugged. It was how it was.

For Bobby’s turn, he said, “Never have I ever… fallen in _love_ with someone in YG.”

“I’ve never,” Hanbin said. “Only crushes.”

“How many?”

“Hey, that’s not how we play!”

“Make an exception for me. It’s my celebration.”

Hanbin pouted, but Bobby’s pout must have been cuter, because Hanbin broke first. He felt a little dizzy by now. “Two,” he said.

Bobby’s lips pouted. He blinked. “On who?”

A butterfly that lived inside Hanbin kicked him in the stomach. He just said, “Lee Hayi is pretty, right?” It was a question that sounded like it _could be_ an answer, even ~~though~~ _if_ it was not.

Bobby laughed. “Yeah,” he said. A pause. “She kind of looks like you.”

God, if Bobby was inadvertently calling Hanbin pretty, he was cut off. Hanbin told him that. Bobby complained and protested, whining and dropping his face into a pillow.

“Not convincing me you can handle more alcohol!” Hanbin said. Bobby made crying sounds. Hanbin teased, “You’re a baby. Would you like some more soju in a bottle?”

“Hell yeah,” Bobby raised his bottle of alcohol, and slammed it on the table.

Hanbin scoffed. “I mean, a baby bottle? You wanna drink it from a nipple?”

At that, Bobby’s body started jerking around. It made Hanbin kind of nervous. Then the intensity of the shakes increased, and Bobby started making sounds, and Hanbin realized he was laughing – _hysterically._

“Are you laughing because I said ‘nipple’?!”

Bobby wailed, laughing harder and rolling around on the couch. He fell to the floor with a thump. A laugh burst out of Hanbin’s lungs, and soon he was bouncing around with Bobby.

It did not last. Bobby frowned. “Bin… I don’t feel good.”

Hanbin took deep breaths to get himself under control. Luckily, Bobby had done a lot more shit than Hanbin in his life, and Hanbin was still decently coherent. “Aish, come on, baby,” he said. He choked on his words. “Big baby. You infant.”

Bobby did not seem to notice. He was still giggling slightly. Hanbin picked him up and supported him on his shoulders, and the two wobbled to the bathroom. Hanbin felt like a favour had been paid off.

When they reached the bathroom, Bobby leaned over the sink and threw up half a bottle of soju.

“Ah seriously,” Hanbin scolded and pet his back, “I knew you would make yourself sick. And over the word _‘nipple’_!”

Gradually, Bobby’s laughter picked back up again. He was truly an endearing and horrible man. Hanbin asked, “What am I going to do with you?”

Bobby stood up straight at that – as straight as he could while slouching and wobbling. He got in Hanbin’s space. A surprise to Hanbin himself, he was not afraid of Bobby at all anymore. “Yeah,” Bobby said, voice low and guttural. A smirk tugged at the corner of his mouth. “What are you going to do with me?”

Unfortunately, Bobby was attractive.

If Hanbin could breathe, they would be sharing air. Hanbin had a strong feeling that Bobby did not know what he was talking about, so… there was some comfort in that. Hanbin placed his hands – slightly shaking – on Bobby’s arms, and delicately pushed him away. The lone, mean butterfly in Hanbin’s abdomen kicked him again.

“Use the toilet,” Hanbin told him.

Bobby waddled over to the toilet as he had been told to. Hanbin did not expect him to get his dick out that fast, fuck. He promptly focused on washing out the sink then and brushing his teeth.

When Bobby was finished, he brushed his teeth as well, and then he sat on the floor and waited for Hanbin to finish using the bathroom completely. Hanbin figured Bobby was waiting for his crutch, so he walked – or rather stumbled – Bobby back to bed.

Bobby fell onto his mattress and grabbed Hanbin’s shirt. “ _Mmmm,_ ” he whined.

Hanbin giggled, but his nerves strained the sound. He was so sleepy, he was feeling things that should not be happening to him. Bobby’s moaning was so pretty. “Still sick?”

Bobby made a ‘ _hmm_ ’ noise, soft and sad. He pulled Hanbin down. Hanbin let it happen, and he did not want to think too hard about _why_ he let it happen. He put a Pooh Bear teddy in between them and told Bobby to sleep. Obediently, Bobby rolled over, and a few minutes later, his breathing slowed. Hanbin followed.

-❣-

On the couch with Yeobo, Bobby played with her, dangling a shoelace and pulling it out of her pointy grasp, a plate of cut apples on the coffee table in front of him. A movie played in the background, but Bobby was just chilling more than anything. He ate an apple slice and giggled as Yeobo pounced on the string.

The bathroom door opened, and Bobby did not pay that sound any mind until Hanbin walked into the living room with only a towel around his waist and another around his shoulders. He headed to the Bluetooth speakers to retrieve his iPod.

Bobby blinked to break up the long periods of staring. “Are we doing this now? Just walking around naked? You really have no shame.”

Hanbin picked up his iPod, walked over to Bobby. “I’m not naked,” he said. “What are you, embarrassed?”

Bobby was a little shy; he preferred the term ‘modest’ over embarrassed. He scoffed at Hanbin, and his lean, finely sculpted body… and Bobby remembered that he liked boys. Huh. It had been a while since he let himself think that.

Hanbin smiled and took a slice of apple. Bobby stopped him, saying, “Hey, that’s from my side of the fridge.”

Raising his eyebrows, Hanbin said, “Oh? Let’s see.” He popped the apple into his mouth and crunched. Bobby’s jaw dropped at such a display of bravery. Hanbin nodded, “You’re right, it’s crispy.”

Bobby pulled the towel off of Hanbin’s shoulders and whipped it across the small of his back. Hanbin whined a ‘ _yah!_ ’, bit his lips together against a smile, and pretended to be annoyed as he walked back to his room. Bobby sat on the couch, tongue in his cheek and mouth half-open in a smile, unable to close it away. He wondered what ‘nihilism’ meant, made a mental note to ask Hanbin about it later.

(Yeobo jumped off the couch and followed Hanbin to his room, because Yeobo knows what’s up.)

-❣-

4am rolled around on the digital clock in the studio. Vivid red numbers burned the side of Hanbin’s eye in his peripheral vision. His grasp on a melody was slipping from his shaky grasp. He balled his hand into a fist, used the other to type.

Bobby sat on the other chair with his knees pulled up to his chest, squished into a ball, hunched over and writing something in his notebook. After a few pen scribbles, Hanbin heard the sound of a line being scratched out. It got under Hanbin’s skin and wore down his nerves. They were on a deadline, and Hanbin was exhausted. _Just write something, Jiwon._

He played out the sample of the song he was struggling on. It sounded wrong as usual. Bobby made a few comments under his breath and Hanbin had no idea who he was supposed to be talking to. They were both succumbing to sleep deprivation by this point. Either the room was melting or Hanbin was starting to hallucinate, so that was fucking brilliant. Hanbin sighed heavily and rubbed his chest. The song ended on the sound of a piano being key-smashed, so Hanbin would have to edit that out. Better yet, he could delete this whole shit-show. Hanbin dropped his head on the desk.

“Hanbin,” Bobby’s voice came again, soft and hesitant, just like that time before.

Hanbin sighed and lifted his head, rested his cheek in the palm of his hand. “Yes?”

Although he was unsure as to how, Bobby pursed his lips and ducked his head as though the response had made him shy. He said, “Calm down.”

Tremors vibrated through Hanbin’s hand and could be felt through the skin on Hanbin’s jaw, and he just turned away from Bobby, because that was not worth the fight at all. It was not even worth a sassy comeback. Of course Hanbin wanted to calm the fuck down, he would if only he could. That was horrible advice and Bobby knew it. Bobby was stupid.

Hanbin typed something out on the computer keyboard, but his hands kept slipping. He hit a wrong key and fucked his verse up. Making a strangled noise, he shoved the keyboard away. He pulled his knees up, curled in a ball, and dropped his face into his hands.

It took a moment, but sure enough, Bobby said, “Hey.”

Pulling matted hair through his fists, Hanbin listened, but did not offer a response. Bobby rolled closer to him, but not as close as last time. Hanbin wanted to grab Bobby’s chair and yank him close, chairs right against one another’s, smashing plastic to plastic. He wanted Bobby there to offer some fucking support. He wanted to mutter that wish under his breath, but breathing was difficult at the moment.

“Hey, Hanbin,” Bobby sounded more urgent now. “What are you saying? Are you okay?”

Hanbin did not realize he was saying anything out loud. He could not form actual words. He just stayed in his tight ball of mental breakdown, rocking himself softly.

Then he felt a warm hand touch the middle of his back. His shoulders fell. He let out a deep exhale and regulated his breathing. His lips shut and the mumbling stopped. It was an obvious shift in his whole demeanor, Bobby had to have noticed. Quietly, Bobby said, “Oh,” as though he had realized something.

It was quiet after that. In the dead silence of the studio, he heard Bobby’s throat click. Then, Bobby said, “How long has it been since you got laid, man?”

It was like a bucket of ice water over his body. He was thankful for the thwarted panic attack, at least.

When the shock wore off, it lit his skin on fire, icy and enlivening. A nosy and incredibly personal interrogation was absolutely _not_ what he had locked Bobby in the studio with him for. _Fucking cuddle me again, dumbass!!_ He lifted his head, eyes narrowed, and pulled away from Bobby’s touch. “What the fuck?”

Insistent, Bobby repeated, “When’s the last time someone got you off?”

He was almost too shocked to make words, but he choked out, “None— none of your fucking _business_ , man.”

“So… a long time.”

Hanbin picked up a pen just to throw it back on the desk. “What does that matter to you?”

“So what’s your outlet?” Bobby pressed. “What do you even do to relieve stress?”

Curtly, Hanbin replied, “I don’t.”

“Apparently…” Bobby muttered. Hanbin frowned, but he was smiling on the inside, because that was funny in its own wry way.

He thought that would be the end of that conversation. He placed his shaking fingers on the keyboard, waited for something more happen.

After a moment of nothingness, Bobby said, “I can help if you want.”

Something snapped in Hanbin then, and he replied, “You _haven’t_ been helping me ** _?!_** ” Before Bobby could respond, Hanbin continued, “No, wait, I fucking knew that.” He threw a crumpled piece of paper in Bobby’s direction, rejected lyrics, and Bobby shrunk behind his arms to defend himself against it. “That would be fucking great actually, considering this is your album too.”

Seething, he turned back to his computer screen. He did not even hear Bobby breathe for a long moment. Then, Bobby said, “N– no Hanbin, that’s not what I meant…”

Hanbin deadpanned, “So you’re not going to write anything?”

Bobby struggled to find words, “I am… I do…” His tone hardened, serious, as he said, “ _Ah_ , that’s not what I meant. I can get you off.”

This is not the ‘more’ Hanbin had expected to happen.

It took him a moment. The words would not hit him. When they did, a fire exploded in him. He turned to Bobby and asked, “What— what the **FUCK** , man ** _?!_** ”

At least Bobby’s cheeks were red and humiliated. Bobby kept his eyes on his hands as he said, “Look, I can’t help you with the song. This is your song. You wrote, like, 90% of it. I’ll write my lyrics tomorrow when I’m not fucking brain-dead, but you’re— you’re fucking stubborn as hell, and you won’t leave until you have something to show for. So just… I can help, okay?” He nervously toyed with his fingers. “You’re _clearly_ touch-starved. I can get you off, and then you can finally get some sleep and finish the song tomorrow, and I can go the fuck home.”

Hanbin took a moment to absorb all of that. “This isn’t funny.”

Bobby offered his hands out, eyes wide and brows high on his forehead. “I’m not _trying_ to be funny. What else do I have to offer you?!”

Hanbin was really struggling on this, like, rocket science levels of confusion were happening at the moment. “Why… why would you even say that, why would you want to—” Hanbin cut himself off. He did not have to ask why Bobby wanted to touch a dick. He figured it was pretty fucking obvious why.

Hurriedly, Bobby said, “Don’t think of it like that,” and there was something very different about his voice; cold and distant. “It’s not personal.”

Now that Hanbin was over the ‘ _likes boys_ ’ matter, he moved onto the next matter, that Bobby presented.

“It’s _kind of_ fucking personal,” Hanbin said.

“You’re too stressed to work,” Bobby said, “it’s business. Don’t you, like, _want_ to get off? Don’t most guys like that?”

“I…” Hanbin could not deny Bobby’s statement, so he just said, “I don’t like _you._ ”

Bobby took a deep breath in and let it out. “I wasn’t that drunk. I know you were trying kinda hard to not look at my dick.”

Hanbin swallowed dryly and avoided eye contact. “But I didn’t look at your dick.” Not on purpose.

“Whatever, I won’t do it then,” Bobby grumbled. Hanbin practically could feel the heat radiating off the other boy’s body. He looked down at his shoes. “I don’t care about the lockdown. I’m unlocking the door and going home. I got nothing left to give you.”

Hanbin had initiated this lockdown for a **_reason_** , the reason being he did not want to be alone through this. “You can’t.”

Bobby stood up. “Fuck you.”

“Okay, fine.” Because split second decisions are always the best decisions.

Bobby froze in his tracks. “What?”

“Okay, fine, fuck me.”

He blinked. “I was never gonna fuck—”

“God, I know you weren’t, it’s a figure of speech,” Hanbin irritably snipped back at him. “Whatever, so are you going to do it or not?”

Bobby paused for a moment. He looked Hanbin up and down. “Honestly, you’re being kind of mean to me, so I don’t know.”

His tone was serious, but as if it was a sixth sense, or maybe something shared just between them, Hanbin knew he was joking. He grabbed Bobby by his sweatpants and pulled him over, insulting him playfully as he did so. Amazingly – it was amazing to Hanbin, at least – Bobby laughed.

“I knew you couldn’t resist me,” Bobby said, and wiggled his eyebrows suggestively. God, this was already the weirdest night of Hanbin’s life, he did not need Bobby flirting with him to make his whole existence a waking nightmare. Hanbin smacked his thigh. “Aish,” Bobby scolded him, but the smile was set on his features. “Okay, answer properly. Do you want me to get you off?”

“Now it’s personal again.”

“I need consent, dude.”

Hanbin sighed. Bobby’s ego would surely love this. “Yes, I want you to get me off.”

Bobby smiled, satisfied. “We have to cover the door.”

“It’s 4 in the morning,” Hanbin pointed out.

“Better safe than sorry,” Bobby said. “Unless you want to go back to the dorm?”

“No.”

“Then we cover the door.”

He ripped a few pages out of the big notebook for composition, peeled some post-it notes from a pad of them, and used them to stick the paper to the window. It was not perfect, but it would do. Walking back over to Hanbin, Bobby said, “Speaking of ‘safe’…” he gestured to the general area of Hanbin’s dick.

He knew he had no right to be offended, because the two were not close, but Hanbin was still offended by Bobby’s insinuation. “I do _not_ have an STD.”

Bobby raised his eyebrows. He knew Bobby wanted proof, but Hanbin did not want to flat out admit he had only ever received a blowjob from a casual fling, so he was not technically a virgin, but he was virginal enough for it to be a topic of ridicule. He just said, “We live together, you would know by now. I haven’t been laid in the span of time we’ve lived together.”

Hanbin waited for backlash. Instead, Bobby gave a short giggle and said, “Shit man, me neither. You must be bad luck.”

Hanbin gave a short laugh back, because the world was upside-down, so why not. “Hey, I’m about to get some action, so my luck can’t be that bad.”

With a smile, Bobby took his sweater off. “Maybe not yours, but _I’m_ gonna be the one with my mouth on your dick.”

Any humour in the room rushed out as a gust of cold air through the cracks in the building. Hanbin threw out a hand to stop Bobby and said, “Hey, woah, no, leave your clothes on. What the fuck do you mean, your ‘mouth’?”

Bobby just laughed, as though everything was fine and fucking dandy.  He held up his sweater and said, “I’m using this to kneel on. I’m not breaking both my knees for this song.” He tossed it to the floor by Hanbin’s feet. Hanbin jerked back. Bobby continued, “It’s called a blowjob. It’s when someone—”

“Shut up.” Hanbin sputtered, “Y– you’re gonna suck m– my dick _?_ And you think that’s… just… okay ** _?!_** ”

Bobby raised one eyebrow. “I’m not going to give you a handjob. That might be weird. Like, what if we make eye contact?”

Oh, good point. Hanbin bit the inside of his lip and tilted his head to acknowledge that.

Bobby assured, “Trust me, this is safer. It’s way easier to get into a blowjob. Just put your head back and close your eyes and you’ll forget it’s me, or you won’t care.”

Hanbin had a creeping feeling that he would regret this. Also, this was definitely a literal take on offering him some ‘fucking support’, but it was better than nothing. He would take what he could get… Christ, sex hormones are one hell of a psychoactive drug. He would even let _Bobby_ get him off. This shame would settle as a scar.

“Fine,” Hanbin agreed. “Just… can you tell me why?”

“Why what?”

“Why you’re doing this?”

“I told you why.”

“Yeah, but… you don’t _have_ to, so why are you?”

Bobby shrugged. “Why not?”

Well… there was that point of view.

Hanbin was horribly unsure of the protocol for this type of situation, so he just fiddled with the drawstrings on his sweatpants and waited for further direction.

Using the sweater as a pillow for his knees, Bobby knelt down in between Hanbin’s legs. Fuck, there was something so intrinsically _sexy_ about a person getting on their knees for him, it went beyond Bobby, and Hanbin inhaled a sharp breath.

Bobby placed one hand on Hanbin’s hip, used the other to tug at his waistband. He asked, “Are you not going to help?” but Hanbin totally spaced out and could not respond to Bobby at all. Did Bobby say something? His heart was pounding too loudly in his ears.

“Hm?” Hanbin asked. His head lolled forward to look down at Bobby. Bobby was looking up at him, small eyes wide and prettily shaped around dilated pupils. Hanbin barely held back a compliment he would regret.

Bobby used both hands to tug at Hanbin’s pants and underwear. “Lift your ass.”

“My…? Oh, yeah.” Hanbin lifted his butt enough for Bobby to pull his sweatpants down, and his underwear just enough to have access to his cock. It was currently still in his briefs, though hard enough to be distinct through the cotton.

Bobby placed both hands on Hanbin’s hips and dragged his lips along the outline of his cock. Hanbin gasped, and automatically, his hand fell into Bobby’s hair, gaze locked on the sight of pink lips against his briefs. His breathing came in heavy sighs, and all he could think was ‘ _what the fuck is happening…”_ which is to say, his mind was pretty blank, despite the situation.

Bobby had probably felt the heavy breathing on his hair. He looked up. They made eye contact. _Shit_ – that was Hanbin’s fault, fuck…

Bobby moved away from his dick as if slapped. “Dude,” he averted his gaze. “Stop staring at me, it’s weird.”

It _was_ weird. The truth came rushing back into Hanbin’s brain, sobering him up instantly. This whole situation was weird. This was not impersonal, this was Bobby and Hanbin. This was way too weird to happen. This could not be happening.

“Sorry,” Hanbin said. Frantically, he searched for the waistband of his sweats. “This was a bad idea…”

Bobby rubbed soothing circles against Hanbin’s hips. “No, Hanbin, it’s _fine_. Nothing even happened yet, I was just saying—”

“No, we can’t…” Hanbin found the waistband and attempted to pull the sweats up. “It’s not us. Bobby, what the fuck are we doing?”

“Hanbin, it’s just sex.”

Resolutely – because he was trying to sound certain, even to himself – Hanbin said, “I can’t do this.”

“Don’t you want to?”

“Doesn’t matter.”

Bobby gave a long sigh. “I thought you would be the type of person to get off on the idea of your worst enemy on their knees for you.”

Well… well _fuck,_ when you put it like that… Hanbin blinked. His cock twitched. “Ho– holy shit. Wait, why _are_ you on your knees for me?”

“I want to.”

“Isn’t it, like, degrading for you?”

Bobby shifted, as though adjusting himself in his pants… which was enough of an answer. Hanbin’s jaw dropped – o _h my god._ Although he did not say anything, Bobby turned pink and said, “Shut up.”

It was a little risky, but Hanbin grabbed Bobby’s hair and said, “ _You_ shut up, brat.”

He took a deep breath – gasped – and shakily, he said, “Don’t push your luck.”

Hanbin laughed. He pet Bobby’s hair, closed his eyes, and dropped his head to rest on the back of the chair. This was a lot, he just needed a second. After a moment, he felt Bobby’s head turn. He then felt a feather-light pressure on his thigh, as though a butterfly had landed, followed by a tiny smacking noise. It was so gentle, he almost thought he imagined it.

Hanbin opened his eyes and looked down at Bobby in disbelief. “Did you just kiss me?”

“Just answer my question – do you want a blowjob or not? And don’t say you can’t, because you _can_ , if you would just chill the fuck out.”

At that, Hanbin deeply exhaled as a show of calmness. Bobby looked up to him, and Hanbin knew they wore matching expressions of resignation. It was funny in its own wry way, but again, Hanbin could not smile at the moment.

“Yeah…” Hanbin said. “I’m just a little freaked out. Is this not weird for you?”

“Not really…” Bobby said. “I’m not thinking about it too hard. It’s just a stress reliever. It doesn’t feel personal at all to me.”

So Hanbin was the only one making this weird?

“You _want_ me?”

Bobby swallowed. He said, “I don’t mind. Visually… you’re passable, so yeah, I want you, but not because I want _you_. My mouth wants your dick. I just want casual sex. You feel the same, right?”

That threw Hanbin off. When prompted, he was forced to acknowledge that he _did_ feel the same. Bobby was passable himself. “Uhm… yeah, same here.”

Somehow, having that out there in the open made him feel better.

“So? Let’s just do it.”

“It’s still weird.”

“Are you honestly rejecting a blowjob right now?”

Hanbin was apprehensive, not stupid. “Fuck no.” He would stop making it weird. He wanted a fucking blowjob, fuck everything… just one more thing. “Wait…”

Grumpily, Bobby growled, “Make up your _MIND!_ ”

And in that moment, Hanbin laughed, because he realized Bobby was grumpy and delirious on as little sleep as Hanbin was. Bobby did not look equally amused. Hanbin recomposed to say, “I have made up my mind, suck me off.”

“You ruined the mood…” Bobby pouted, and he sounded genuinely upset.

“You ruined the mood by being you,” Hanbin argued.

Maybe he could recover the mood. He tugged Bobby’s hair again. Bobby’s lips parted in surprise. Hanbin let the compliment slip, “But you look pretty like this.” _For me._

A laugh escaped Bobby’s throat, making the actual sound of the ‘ _kk_ ’ laugh that one would use in a text. It was incredible. Shyly, Bobby ducked his head, and Hanbin burst into laughter again. He carded his fingers through Bobby’s hair as nervous tension evaporated off his body in jerky giggles. This was better. The situation was much better when Bobby was dorky and not sexy. It took some of the pressure off.

When Bobby moved to continue, Hanbin shook his head and grabbed Bobby’s hair to hold him in place. “Wait.” Bobby yelled curses at him. “Sorry, that’s just not what I actually wanted to say. I wanted to ask, did you say your mouth wants my dick?”

Bobby sighed, “Are you making fun of me now?”

“No, I just… you’re a loser.”

Bobby dragged his tongue along Hanbin’s cock through his briefs. “You need to work on your pillow-talk.”

Something shifted in Hanbin’s stomach then, drastically. He exploded again, like a firework, but the firework was made of butterflies and crashing waves as well as sparks. He was turned the fuck on, to say the least.

That was that, then.

Bobby pulled Hanbin’s cock free. He dragged his tongue along the length. Hanbin gasped, keeping head back and eyes closed, because this is what he had to do, what he should have been doing from the start.

His lips closed around the tip, sucking it red. Hanbin continued combing Bobby’s hair through his fingers. Bobby placed kitten licks and kisses to the tip, dragged his tongue along the slit, then took Hanbin into his mouth, slowly sinking down on him.

Hanbin loosely grasped the arm of the chair for a sense of stability. His other hand remained on Bobby’s head, shaky and weak but held firmly around the soft locks of his hair. Bobby kept up a steady pace on Hanbin’s cock, working his cock up hard and flushed a dark shade of pink. Hanbin could feel every sensation; every brush of Bobby’s bunny teeth against his skin, every soft breath, every ripple of pleasure given to him from Bobby’s mouth. Bobby hollowed his cheeks, and Hanbin felt his cock hit the back of Bobby’s throat. He gasped and tugged on his hair.

Bobby eased back, working him steadily as before, keeping a hand near the base to occasionally pump. His other hand burned the skin where it rested on Hanbin’s hip, but Hanbin loved it. The touch kept him grounded.

This was the best he had felt in a long time. It really had been a long time. Hanbin was not sure he was even _allowed_ to feel this good anymore.

Whatever; he had broken more than one unspoken rule that night.

It had also been a long time since Hanbin had another person get him off, so he approached his climax fast. “Bobby,” he breathed out the warning, and attempted to tug Bobby’s mouth off.

Bobby lifted his lips off with a wet _pop_. God, his swollen lips were so pretty, and Hanbin forgot he was not supposed to look. Before any further damage could be done, he closed his eyes again and dropped his head back.

“It’s okay,” Bobby said. He wrapped his lips around Hanbin’s cock again, sucking him down, and Hanbin again hit the back of his throat.

_Jesus Christ_ – Bobby wanted Hanbin to come down his throat. The realization made Hanbin whimper aloud. His orgasm hit with a loud, drawn out whine, a sound caught between a cry and a moan. Bobby swallowed around his cock, then pulled halfway off, pumping the last of Hanbin’s cum into his mouth. Hanbin shook all over and tried to breathe.

Bobby swallowed again and pulled off. Hanbin blearily opened his eyes and caught the tail end of a disgusted expression on Bobby’s face. Tiredly, Hanbin giggled. He mentally apologized for his poor flavour and vowed to eat more pineapples or something, for Bobby’s sake. The dude just did him a massive favour after all.

Bobby smacked his lips, shook his head, and stood up. He tired to look neutral for Hanbin’s sake, and Hanbin appreciated that. Hanbin said, “Thanks.”

“Hey,” Bobby quickly said, “don’t fall asleep here.”

Hanbin tucked himself back into his underwear and pulled them up, but that was all the strength he had in him. His head lolled to the side. He let out a grumbling noise in response to Bobby’s command.

He heard Bobby sigh. “God, you’re an asshole.” He pulled Hanbin’s sweatpants up, bounced Hanbin on his chair to get the fabric over his ass. Hanbin let himself be manhandled like a ragdoll. “Are you kidding me?” Bobby pressed. Hanbin made an ‘ _mm_ ’ sound.

Bobby grumbled. The next thing Hanbin knew, he was being lifted up. He clued in with a start and wrapped his arms around Bobby’s neck, his legs around Bobby’s waist. “Come on, asshole,” Bobby said, and grabbed Hanbin by his thighs. He carried Hanbin to the couch and dropped him down. It was a little aggressive, but the couch was so comfy, Hanbin did not mind.

He felt a pillow get shoved under his head, a jacket fall over his body, and then Hanbin succumbed to sleep.

-❣-

The next morning, Bobby woke up on the couch in a neighbouring studio. Hanbin stood over him, wrapped up in his own jacket, the same one Bobby had covered him with, but not wearing it. His hair looked like it had seen hell, so judging by the events of last night/early morning, Bobby probably looked like a hell-creature himself. Bobby pulled his own jacket-blanket off and sat up.

Everything came rushing back to him, from the proposition, to the blowjob, to jerking himself off in the bathroom. So that happened last night. Bobby would need time to actually process what he had gone and done.

“Mmph?” Bobby greeted.

Hanbin ducked his head sheepishly. “I finished the song.”

-❣-

The two made their way back to their dorm. They needed to brush their teeth and hair, get some breakfast in their stomachs. It was almost noon.

They completed their morning routines in the shared bathroom in silence. They ate breakfast in separate rooms. Hanbin sat on the couch to drink his coffee, and Bobby sat beside him.

Finally, Bobby spoke, “I was really tired last night.”

Hanbin blew on his coffee. “Are you trying to make excuses for your blowjob?” Damn his heart for speeding up. He needed to be stronger than this.

Bobby was physically taken aback. He gave Hanbin an offended frown. “What was wrong with it?” Before Hanbin could respond, Bobby said, “Shut up, nevermind. That’s not what I meant. I was really tired last night, and I wasn’t thinking clearly.”

Something dark and heavy dropped into the pit of Hanbin’s stomach. He really hoped Bobby was not telling him something about regret or dubious consent.

“I guess I seemed… spontaneous.”

Hanbin blinked. “What?”

“I guess I seemed like I didn’t think about it,” Bobby said. “Which is not true. I’ve done that sort of thing before in the studio. I—”

“ _What?!_ ” Hanbin demanded, and turned to face Bobby for the first time.

“—am used to— Hanbin, don’t interrupt me,” Bobby glared at him. Hanbin reluctantly shut up. He was just relieved that his initial fear was not the case.

Bobby continued, “I am used to doing stuff without feelings. I’ve had friends with benefits. It’s not a big deal for me, it’s just supposed to be fun. For us it can relieve stress. I should have explained that better. I didn’t think you were such a fucking virgin, but that’s my fault.” Hanbin just shot him the dirtiest glare he could. “And I do _not_ have any STDs,” Bobby said, pointedly. “I’m just saying that this means nothing to me, okay? So don’t worry.”

“Of course it means nothing,” Hanbin said, and only choked on the lump in his throat a little bit, and he did not even know why this affected him at all, what the hell? “I’ve had a fling before.” Literally one, but who cared about the little details right then? The important fact was out there.

Bobby smiled. “Ah, good. I was worried I was your first.”

“Fuck you.”

“All in good time. And don’t get the wrong idea.”

“About what?”

“About me and you.”

Hanbin nodded, looked down at his coffee. “Right…” he cleared his throat, asked, “but… you do actually like boys, right? Because if not, I think you might be repressing some things.”

Bobby laughed out loud, a horrible and obnoxious sound. He said, “Of course I like boys. I thought you knew.”

“I mean,” Hanbin shrugged, “I had a feeling.”

“Yeah,” Bobby nodded, “I had a feeling about you too.”

“What?”

Bobby laughed again. “Easy on your neck, you’ll get whiplash.”

Venom rose in Hanbin’s throat. He just scowled.

Bobby continued, “Yeah, I had a feeling. I found out for sure last night, though. Straight guys will tell you straight up that they’re not into guys when you offer to suck their dicks. I thought it was safe to assume by that point.”

“I hate my life,” Hanbin said. “You make me hate my life.”

“Your jizz tastes like poison,” Bobby rebutted, lips in a disappointed pout, “so it’s not great for me either.”

Hanbin choked on the coffee he was not even drinking. Bobby stood up, walked away without looking over his shoulder. “By the way, my magic blowjob helped you finish a song, so you can’t say shit about it. Bye.”

He wanted to tell Bobby to just never come back. He figured this was the end of their casual relationship then, lest he get the _‘wrong idea’_ about it all. Bobby did not deserve a blowjob in return after that. Was Hanbin angry? He felt angry, but it could be something else, something he could not name. He set his coffee on the table and dropped backwards, hoping to melt into the couch and hide, preferably forever.

-❣-

“I hate him,” Hanbin mumbled, almost robotically. He shot an enemy player eighteen times in the face. The overkill felt good.

Chanwoo, playing the video game next to Hanbin, replied, “Don’t take it so personally, it’s just a game.”

“I’m not talking about the game,” Hanbin bit out. “You think I’ve been talking about the game this whole time?”

“You’ve been muttering ‘I hate him’ with no context for like, thirty minutes,” Chanwoo said. “I have nothing to go on.”

“Of course you do,” Hanbin complained. “You know I’m talking about Jiwon.”

“How would I know that?”

“Who else would I be talking about?!”

Chanwoo shot Hanbin dead in the game. Hanbin all but flipped his lid. He smacked Chanwoo across the neck, hard. Chanwoo made a loud noise in response to the assault, but probably aware that he deserved it, did not push for an apology.

“You know what you two need to do?” Chanwoo asked.

“I don’t want to talk to him about it,” Hanbin said. “Everyone has been telling me to talk to him and whenever I talk to him it gets worse. Do not tell me to talk to him.”

“Alright, whatever. That’s not what I was going to say anyway.”

Hanbin raised his eyebrows. He died again in the game, and his eye twitched. “What were you going to say?”

“I was going to say that you two need to have sex.”

Hanbin’s heart jumped into his throat. He paused the game. Chanwoo stayed silent. Hanbin kept his eyes locked on the paused television screen as though staring into the void.

Chanwoo dared to say, “Hyung?”

Hanbin could not figure out how to communicate this mixture of shock, confusion, and rage. He only felt like screaming.

Chanwoo continued, “Hyung, come on. Listen to me.”

Hanbin nodded. He was listening.

Chanwoo elaborated, “I think it will resolve a lot of the tension between you two.”

It took Hanbin a moment. Then, he snapped, “ **IS _THAT_ THE KIND OF TENSION YOU THINK WE HAVE?** ”

Chanwoo visibly shrunk back. His method of communication was blunt and often abrasive, but many times he did not even mean to offend anyone. It softened Hanbin.

The elder sighed, forced himself to calmly rephrase, “It’s not like that between us, Chanwoo.”

“It could be,” Chanwoo spoke quietly, pouting. “You don’t want to give it a chance.”

“He hates me,” Hanbin said.

“Why?” Chanwoo asked. He looked over to Hanbin with wide, glassy eyes. “What even happened between you guys?”

“He’s hated me since we met,” Hanbin said. “I don’t know what I ever did to him.”

“Can you try to remember?” Chanwoo asked, and he sounded like he was genuinely trying to help.

So for his sake, Hanbin thought back.

-❣-

Hanbin was so dorky-looking in 2011. He looked 12 years old until his 16th birthday. Perhaps that was why Bobby hated him, he pondered. Hanbin had just been too ugly for friendship. Bless Jinhwan for his charity and sacrifice, it could not have been easy.

Anyway – Hanbin and Jinhwan joined YG first, and they became friends, probably by necessity. About a week later, Hanbin bumped into Bobby, who at the time he only knew as the new kid.

If there was anyone dorkier looking than Hanbin in 2011, it was Bobby; the skinny, shaggy-haired, buck-toothed spazz. He knocked into Hanbin at 70 kilometers per hour, spinning on his heels like he had never touched another living thing before that moment. He stumbled back.

“I’m sorry!” he said. He bowed and continued, “My name is Kim Jiwon.” There was something strange about his accent at the time – rushed and inelegant. It had not improved much since then.

Awkwardly, Hanbin bowed back and said, “Hello, my name is Kim Hanbin.”

With that, Bobby nodded, and without a word, he continued on down the hall, disappearing around a corner.

Hanbin wondered if it was something he said.

He did not see Bobby later that day, or the next day. People did start talking about him, though. Hanbin discovered his stage name was Bobby, and he liked to go by that. He also discovered that Bobby was training with Seungyoon’s group of trainees. He was told that the male trainees would often train together, that groups switched around all the time and were mainly formed for evaluations. Hanbin figured it was only a matter of time before he met Bobby again.

The trainees benefitted from taking care of each other. It quelled homesickness and built relationships. Hanbin decided he would get Bobby some food.

Bobby was not very interested. He gratefully accepted the fish cakes, but he barely smiled at Hanbin, and Hanbin had heard that Bobby smiled at everyone. He must have been too ugly; that had to be it. Jinwoo dropped a hand on Bobby’s shoulder and whisked him away, whispering something fast and urgently, barely giving Hanbin and apology and a farewell. Bobby did not say goodbye at all.

Before Hanbin left, he saw Bobby give Jinwoo a beaming smile.

He did not see Bobby a lot after that. Maybe that was his fault. He blamed Bobby.

The new trainees worked hard and settled in. Other trainees came and left, and the groups were switched around a few times. Hanbin had to work with Bobby along with Jinhwan and Junhoe once, and the situation was all but _disastrous_ , and only thanks to Jinhwan. Bobby and Hanbin would not talk, Bobby and Junhoe would not talk, Hanbin and Junhoe could barely make eye contact, because even at this point in time, Junhoe was insufferable, and Jinhwan had to get mad at everybody because Hanbin was directing all his anger at Bobby, who just could not pick up the choreo. They failed that evaluation. The groups switched up again.

Apparently, Bobby started doing better in dance training after that, and Hanbin could not help but take that personally. He was not a bad leader. Maybe he was not a good leader, and maybe a little incompetent in general, but not a _bad_ leader. Bobby had sabotaged him, he was sure of it… _had been_ sure of it, until that day they talked about it in the studio, at least.

By late 2012, Donghyuk had joined, and Hanbin mainly trained with Jinhwan, Junhoe, Yunhyeong, and Donghyuk. They worked well together. Hanbin had a good feeling about them.

Late 2012 was also when the rumours about Bobby started. It was more of an _idea_ back then than a rumour. People started talking about how and why he got to YG; how he abandoned his family in the States. Hanbin did not pay much attention – there were rumours and gossip about everybody, and he had his own life to focus on.

In 2013, Chanwoo joined. They became Team B and participated in WIN. Song Minho replaced Bobby in Team A. Team A won. Hanbin was separated from Team B to focus more on training to be a composer. Bobby, wherever he was in the company, was apparently making a lot of headway as a rapper and lyricist. Hanbin heard talk about him.

That was when the rumours about Bobby got worse. The rumours about him getting plastic surgery started. It was also when Bobby started dissing ‘idol rappers’ in his underground work. It was subtle enough to not stir up tension in the company, but blatant enough to get his message across. Apparently, Bobby had not yet told anyone about being a trainee.

Minho, who was also a part of this scene, was good Intel. He linked Hanbin to a few of Bobby’s performances and tracks…

And Hanbin decided enough was enough. There was only so much benefit of the doubt he could give. He and Bobby were not going to be friends.

In late 2013, Hanbin dropped his first diss track – just a verse, but still – on Bobby. The word spread around YG. He did not mention anyone by name, but Minho said he might as well have put it in a letter and mailed it to Bobby’s dorm.

Letter or no letter, Bobby got the message. That might not have been where their relationship started, but it was certainly the start of a new era.

-❣-

April passed in a blur. They luckily made some good progress on the album. It was the final week of the month, so as usual, Bobby was dragging Hanbin home, forcing him to shower, just ‘being such a mom’ on him, as Hanbin had accused him of, and expressed fear that his ‘overprotective manager hyung might get jealous’. Bobby tried not to let Hanbin’s comments affect him. It would help if he knew _why_ he cared so much about Hanbin.

Bobby and Hanbin chilled in the living room, drinking much lighter than last time. They did not talk about waking up next to each other, and Bobby did not think they ever would. Yeobo slept in Bobby’s lap, and Hanbin gently pet her.

They talked about the album a little. They mostly just tried to be calm. Bobby did not want to waste the opportunity; he feared he would get less and less as debut approached.

“Don’t worry about the album,” Bobby said. “It’s coming along well.”

“I need to stop hanging out with friends,” Hanbin said, rubbing his eyes. “I’ve been wasting _tiiiime_ …”

A familiar darkness rolled in. Hanbin was hanging out with friends too much lately. Sure, it was healthy for Hanbin to maintain his friendships, and he really only hung out with people, like, once a week, but it was still too much. Even worse, Hanbin had clearly rejected Bobby’s proposal for a casual relationship, because they had not even discussed anything sexy since that morning after, so honestly, Bobby felt a little neglected. He pouted.

Then Hanbin asked, “Jiwon, why do you hate my friends?”

Bobby’s breath caught in his throat. So that’s what his Korean name sounded like in Hanbin’s voice. He liked the sound.

Bobby scrunched his eyebrows. “What do you mean?”

Hanbin pouted, “You get mad at me whenever I hang out with them. Jaewon, Chanwoo, the YG dancers… and you accused me of sleeping with Junhoe. What’s wrong with them?”

The realization hit Bobby along with a wave of nausea – there was nothing wrong with the friends, there was something wrong with _Bobby_. He had a rock in his chest that pushed his heart out of place and Hanbin had put it there. He said, “No, nothing. I don’t hate them.”

Hanbin, with a worried edge to his voice, asked, “Did you drink yourself sick again?”

Bobby must have looked as sick as he felt. He nodded. Hanbin carried him to bed. Bobby did not make Hanbin stay the night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> * BJ scene starts exactly when you think it's going to. One of the boys is propositioned. The scene is meant to establish that the nature of their relationship has changed and they can acknowledge they feel attraction to each other. Also, one of them just wants to help the other out, revealing not only his feelings but how he views his role in the subunit and how his character is bold like that.
> 
> Fun facts on this chapter:  
> \- It was so HARD to write the bj scene because I had to get across that Hanbin wanted it, he just still feels hate for Bobby so he was like 'uhm?? what the fuck??' but he got over it and I hope that was clear.  
> \- bobby and hanbin watch barbie life in the dreamhouse around this point in time. i think i will add it as an extra. idk why i can imagine bobby as an indie art film hoe (and barbie absolutely falls in that category) but i do.   
> \- trust me ur not alone i dont even know how I feel at this point in the fic. im kind of like "okay definitely kiss but? when ur ready? maybe light a candle? have a convo that doesnt end in anger ? walk outdoors" theyre too much honestly


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> guys we made it! thank you so much for following this story, and giving kudos/bookmarking/commenting. I will reply to every comment so feel free to talk to me there! also I can confirm there will be 8 chapters, but I have to write in some extras for this too. thank you for everything! ~
> 
> *pls note that the smut scene in this chapter is QUITE different in mood than the last one. again, if you feel like this is not your thing, just skip the scene. check the end notes for where it starts.

The concept matched that of their album – end of summer vibes, hip hop but softly so. They were working with a colour scheme of gold, red, blue, black, and white for this particular set of photos, but Hanbin had seen splashes of mauve and olive green on the clothes racks. He hoped there would not be too many costume changes; it was tiresome.

The stylists fluffed out Bobby’s white shirt one last time before leaving them to pose. A blue bomber jacket hung slightly off of Hanbin’s shoulders. Hanbin’s arm tapped Bobby’s while he was turning into position, and Bobby stepped back.

Bobby had been a little emotionally distant lately. They still naturally worked together in the studio, and Bobby was not mean to him per se, but it was obvious that he was pulling away. Hanbin knew he was probably doing the same, it was just harder to notice in himself because this was how he was.

It had been hard to accept, but Hanbin realized one night while he watched Bobby snuggle his stuffed Pooh Bear (on the bed while they watched another show) that he did not hate Bobby anymore. He wished he still hated Bobby. He wanted to touch him but could not think of an appropriate reason. He needed physical contact so bad, and he feared his friends might be getting sick of hanging out with him. If not his enemy, he wished Bobby could be his friend. This in-between was emotionally tough.

The current portion of the photoshoot was pretty uneventful – just indoor shots on a couch, some just in front of a white wall. A few photos were taken under the illusion of a sunset. Bobby was glowing and Hanbin felt the heat of the sun in his stomach.

They were instructed to lie on the couch together. Their legs overlapped and tangled, and it was tense, but not unbearable. Hanbin fought Bobby’s legs a little, and he swore Bobby stifled a laugh.

In the interview portion, Bobby had been asked how he felt about his friends’ criticism against Hanbin, specifically Jae Min’s. Bobby had simply replied, “Actually, Jae Min and I are not close anymore. I have no friends who criticize Hanbin.”

Outside they ran around cream-coloured buildings, leaned over silver railings, posed against a sky that was painted white with clouds. A slight breeze blew through their hair and messed it up, rippled under Bobby’s gold bomber jacket, but Hanbin felt it fit the concept well. The atmosphere was lighthearted. Hanbin marveled at how he and Bobby actually followed through with this concept for the album.

Bobby was instructed to throw his arm around Hanbin’s shoulders. He did so easily, but he did not look at Hanbin at all.

Hanbin whispered, “Is it really so bad to hold me?”

Bobby did not answer for a moment. He just squinted against the hair that danced against his eyes. He finally said, “I have a lot going on right now.”

He looked to the side to avoid hair blowing into his face, and Hanbin did the same. A moment passed. The photographers instructed them to take a new pose.

-❣-

His notebook blocked out the harsh light of the dorm room, held close enough to his tired eyes that Bobby could see what he had written. Hanbin was exhausted that night, so he came back early from the studio. They would probably be right back in the studio after their Japanese lesson the next day, so Bobby was not too stoked about this. It was the first week of May, and Hanbin was already a workaholic nightmare at his **_best_** , so rest had become a cruel lie. He just savoured what time he had to chill without allowing himself to get too into it.

He heard footsteps approach the side of his bed. Reluctantly, he dropped the notebook onto his stomach. “What the fuck do you want.” It was not posed as a question. He hoped Hanbin would not engage.

Hanbin looked down at Bobby. He held his wrist in front of him, and looked almost nervous. He said, “You’re stressed.”

Bobby pursed his lips and gave a curt nod. “No shit.”

“I know I’m intense,” Hanbin said. “I can’t really help you emotionally, but I don’t want you to be stressed. I want you to work well.”

Bobby sat upright. He nodded, encouraging Hanbin to either keep going with this, help him understand.

Hanbin swallowed dryly. He said, “I can help you if you need it. Like you helped me.”

The world he once knew crumbled around him; Bobby felt the rubble hit his shoulders on its way down. His jaw dropped. So this is what it felt like to be on the receiving end of that offer.

He _thought_ they had both silently agreed that a sexual relationship was a bad idea. Bobby thought he had been rejected when Hanbin did not bring it up again. Had Bobby not been clear enough about his friend-with-benefits proposal? He had **_apparently_** misjudged Hanbin’s feelings on the matter.

“I don’t know if you have someone…” Hanbin kicked at the side of the bed. “I don’t know your situation. You can say no.”

Lips pouted and parted in shock, Bobby managed to say, “There’s no one.”

Hanbin nodded. “Oh, uhm… okay.” He nodded over his shoulder. “Yeah, just… tell me if you want me. That. Tell me if you want that.”

He moved to go back to his room. Bobby’s tongue got ahead of his brain, and he started to respond, “I…”

Hanbin stopped walking, turned around.

Well shit, Bobby started this, now he had to finish it. “I want that.”

Hanbin blinked. “Now?”

Bobby hated that he got so nervous around people he found attractive. He was confident that time in the studio with Hanbin because he knew it meant nothing, he was convinced… but this, happening now, was different. They were different.

Bobby nodded. He kept his eyes on the blanket. “If that’s okay.”

Hanbin asked, “Did you shower today?”

Bobby could not help but give him a small laugh. “Yes, I showered today, Bin.”

“Good,” Hanbin said. He walked back over to the bed. Bobby pulled his knees up to his chest. Hanbin crawled onto the bed, and it dipped under his weight. He sat on his knees, with his heels under his bum, and waited.

Tentatively, Bobby uncurled. They would have to feel their way around this one, lightly and mindfully. Hanbin moved forward to situate himself between Bobby’s legs. Bobby’s heart rate kicked up.

He placed his hands on Bobby’s waistband and raised his eyebrows, asking for permission. Bobby nodded. When Hanbin pulled his pants off, Bobby lifted his ass off the mattress to make it easier.

Before pulling off Bobby’s boxers, Hanbin crawled between his legs and dragged his lips along Bobby’s underwear. Bobby reached into his boxers to adjust his cock against his thigh, positioning it so Hanbin could find it. Hanbin’s eyes flicked up to meet Bobby’s. Bobby lied down and closed his eyes.

He felt Hanbin tease at his cock, dragging his lips along it, kissing it. _Fuck_ – Bobby could not hold back a moan, something of a grunt, guttural. He clenched his jaw.

He felt something press against his thigh, feather-light. He heard a tiny smacking sound. In disbelief, Bobby asked, “What?”

“You’re supposed to relax,” Hanbin said, resting his cheek on Bobby’s thigh. His face was warm. Hanbin’s cheeks were probably as pink as Bobby’s were. Somehow, and despite the situation, that thought comforted him. Bobby took a deep breath in, let it out. He unclenched his jaw. He sniffled.

Hanbin waited too long – in Bobby’s opinion – to decide Bobby was relaxed, but finally, Hanbin wrapped his lips around Bobby’s cock, mouthing at him through his underwear. Bobby threaded his fingers through Hanbin’s hair, tugged. He let himself moan.

He felt fingers hook under the band of his boxers, and Hanbin tugged the fabric down. Hanbin tossed it to the side. He leaned over Bobby, pushing his shirt up to his chest. Hanbin then dropped onto his forearms. He placed a kiss at the top of Bobby’s abs, trailed kisses all the way down to his cock, and Bobby could not help the way his abdominal muscles tensed from the rush of excitement that gave him. Hanbin kissed the tip of his cock, then dragged his tongue along the length. Bobby moaned and pulled at Hanbin’s hair, hoping it felt good, hoping Hanbin liked it.

Hanbin took Bobby’s cock into his mouth. He adjusted to the size slowly, if only just to tease. Bobby kept one hand in Hanbin’s hair, and the other on his abdomen. The temperature of the room was noticeably cooler now, and he felt it against his hot skin, like a fever. Cock half-hard, his hips gently rolled upward. His hand dropped lower, and he could feel his muscles move in time to the rhythm of his hips.

Hanbin moved with Bobby. His hand was wrapped around the base of Bobby’s cock, twisting slightly as he pumped Bobby into his mouth. Hanbin pulled off his cock to breathe, licked another long stripe along the length, blew on the tip and kissed it. It was controlled, yet there was something inelegant and unpracticed about Hanbin’s movements, like he was just doing whatever he felt, whatever Bobby might like. It was good – Bobby liked the feeling of Hanbin taking over and doing what he wanted. Hanbin was a good leader.

“You’re good,” Bobby said aloud, almost breathless, and he was not expecting to sound wrecked this soon into it.

In response, Hanbin sucked Bobby into his mouth, hollowing his cheeks. Bobby’s cock hit the back of his throat. Bobby’s lips dropped open, and he moaned.

Hanbin was taking Bobby in fully now, sucking the tip every few pumps and eagerly sinking back down. Bobby really had to try not to fuck him any harder – he did not want to hurt Hanbin, and fuck, this was too good…

He felt the mattress rock forward, but he was not sure why. It happened again, and Hanbin pulled his lips off Bobby’s cock to moan, let out a heavy breath of air.

Bobby’s eyes fluttered open. He understood now. “You wanna get off, baby?”

Hanbin took Bobby’s cock back into his mouth and nodded. He said, “Mm,” around Bobby’s cock, and Bobby felt the vibrations run up his spine.

Bobby pulled the pillow out from behind his head and offered it out. “Use this, baby,” he said. “It’s softer than the mattress. You can fuck the mattress if you want, though…”

Hanbin took the pillow. Bobby heard the sound of the bed creak, a few seconds of rustling sounds passed, and then Hanbin had repositioned himself between Bobby’s thighs, and presumably against the pillow. Bobby softly petted his hair. He took Bobby’s cock back into his mouth, moving up and down as before, but rocking forward, moaning, breathing hard. Hanbin moved his lips slowly. He sucked, swallowed around him. It felt beautiful, he must have looked beautiful.

Bobby’s cock dropped out of Hanbin’s open lips, and Hanbin pushed his forehead against Bobby’s abs, bucking his hips forward, hard. He exhaled, breath stuttered, let out a quiet moan. Bobby wrapped his hands around Hanbin’s neck like a slow dance, like maybe that would pull him close, bring him closer. Hanbin recollected himself, took Bobby’s cock on his tongue and sunk back down, moving faster.

He must look flushed, wrecked – fucking beautiful. His lips were so pretty when they were swollen. Bobby moaned, grabbed at Hanbin’s neck, his hair, tried to feel.

Fuck it, he decided. Just fuck it.

He lifted himself up on his palms, looked down at Hanbin. Hanbin was in his boxer-briefs, fucking Bobby’s pillow, red lips wrapped around Bobby’s cock, sucking him fast and hard. Hanbin’s eyes flicked up to meet Bobby’s, and this time, Bobby held eye contact. Hanbin sank down slowly, came back up just as slow, and swallowed.

Bobby groaned, “ _Fuck,_ Bin,” screwed his eyes shut, and literally dropped back down on the mattress.

With that image in his head, and Hanbin going that fast, that ardently, Bobby was pushed to his climax. “Bin… Bin, I’m gonna come.”

Hanbin licked the slit of his cock clean of precum, wrapped his lips back around him. He sank down, letting Bobby’s cock hit the back of his throat, and he nodded. After a few more bobs of his head, Bobby arched off the bed and came down his throat with a loud moan. Hanbin swallowed, pulled off, kept rocking.

As Bobby steadied his breathing, he heard Hanbin moan, a sharp, whiny, “ _Ah,_ ” and then his hips stuttered to a stop. Bobby whispered an expletive under his breath (that he had not quite caught yet). Hanbin dropped his head again to rest on Bobby’s thigh.

Bobby cupped Hanbin’s face in his hands, wrapped his legs around Hanbin’s waist, gently pulled him closer. Hanbin threw the pillow out of the way and moved up, resting on his forearms. He dropped his forehead onto Bobby’s. 

Bobby just laid there, lips parted, unsure of what to do. He was so sure he had wanted Hanbin closer until it happened, and now he was confused, just so confused about everything he thought he felt.

Hanbin placed a kiss on the base of Bobby’s neck, then moved upward, trailing kisses upward and under his jaw. Bobby tilted his head back, struggling for air. Hanbin placed a final kiss on Bobby cheek, then pushed their foreheads together again, brushing noses. Bobby panted against his lips, breath after breath after breath, and he could not take enough air into his lungs to exhale the words _I don’t hate you, I don’t hate you, I don’t hate you…_

Hanbin moved off of Bobby. He sent him a smile, something of one, a ghost of one, and collected his pants on his way to the bathroom. Bobby closed his eyes and breathed.

-❣-

Hanbin and Bobby were not working together in the studio today. It was uncomfortable to Hanbin how obvious Bobby’s absence was, now. Bobby had become a part of his life. Hanbin might not call Bobby his other half, but… he was missed.

Hanbin knocked on the door to Healing’s studio. Jinhwan shared it with the others and some songwriters, as he was not a songwriter yet, but he was currently the only one occupying the space. That was what he had texted Hanbin, anyway.

Jinhwan answered the door. “Hey, what’s going on?”

Hanbin asked, “You alone?”

“Yeah, I told you that,” Jinhwan said. “I was going over some stuff. What’s up?”

“You’re dating a boy, right?”

Jinhwan blinked. “I think Junhoe is some type of weird, poisonous crab, but he _is_ a male crab, if that still counts.”

He was dead serious and Hanbin fully understood where he was coming from. Hanbin confirmed it counted. Jinhwan let him in, presumably assuming that this was going to be One of Those Talks that he needed to sit down for.

Hanbin plopped down on the loveseat. Jinhwan plopped down next to him, turning to face Hanbin and crossing his legs. “So,” Jinhwan started, “what do you need to know about dating boys?”

His hands moved around in awkward, pointless gestures. “Uhm… how do you know you like one?”

Jinhwan scrunched up his lips in thought, like he was actually pondering it, and Hanbin appreciated that wholeheartedly. He had felt really stupid about asking. Jinhwan gave lame advice, but he tried. He was a good older brother, no one could ever deny that.

Jinhwan said, “You’ll feel it in your heart, you know?” he put a hand on his chest. “Oh, and your stomach,” he lowered his hand to place it on his abdomen. “I guess people describe it as ‘butterflies’, but I think it feels more like fire, or ocean waves. It even feels like electricity sometimes. It hurts sometimes.”

Hanbin looked down at his hands. “Am I supposed to feel like I’ve lost control of my life?”

Jinhwan was silent. When Hanbin looked over, Jinhwan looked very concerned. Hanbin shrugged, because there was no way to make the truth any better.

Jinhwan sighed and said, “Maybe that’s a problem specific to you.”

Hanbin sighed. “I don’t know why I feel this way about him. I don’t know what to do.”

“Hanbin,” Jinhwan said carefully, and Hanbin braced himself, “you know, my advice is going to change depending on who the boy is.”

Hanbin swallowed. “Okay?”

“So… I kind of need to know who the boy is.”

Hanbin hunched his shoulders. “Can I just describe who he is?”

Jinhwan tilted his head. “Hm. Sure, that might work.”

Hanbin said, “He’s nice. He’s really nice, and sweet. Like, he’s just an all around good person. He’s funny too. He hates me, but he’s even nice to _me_ now. And it hurts to like him because it feels like all of my scars just start bleeding again when I look at him...” Hanbin paused to catch his breath. “What the hell am I supposed to do with that?”

Jinhwan nodded. “You know that’s the feeling of losing control, right? You like a boy you never intended to like.”

Hanbin shook his head. “No, I’ve had this feeling for a long time, even while I still hated him.”

“Hmm… well, maybe this feeling of losing control is… a little _different_. Can you think of what it might be?”

Hanbin had been trying to figure that out forever. The ribbon that he had tied so tight just kept unraveling, and he had no idea what it meant, what was slipping away…

Jinhwan prompted, “When did you first feel it?”

Hanbin thought back. “It was…” Bobby had said something to him, and the downfall came after that… “Oh! It was after our first… discussion? Bobby told me he—”

Hanbin choked, jaw falling slack. Fuck. He looked at Jinhwan. Jinhwan could not look _less_ fazed but the accidental admission.

“Go on,” he simply said.

Hanbin sighed, then went on, “On one of our first nights in the studio, Bobby told me that he didn’t hate me at the time of our evaluation together.”

Jinhwan’s lips parted in surprise – what, **_THAT_** surprised him, and not the fact that Hanbin might like Bobby?! What kind of romance gurus _were_ Chanwoo and Jinhwan?! Jinhwan said, “You guys had _never_ addressed that horror show?”

Well, he did not have to sound so _scandalized_. Bobby and Hanbin did not talk about **_anything_** , it was not that big of a deal. Hanbin shamefully avoided eye contact.

Jinhwan sighed loudly. “Hanbin, you know exactly what this feeling you have is, and you know why. You’re not as dumb as you think you are, so just do me a favour and think about this, okay? Really think about it.”

What was he supposed to be thinking about? He got one thing wrong about their past and it triggered Hanbin’s pathological need for control. Was there anything beyond that? Hanbin was really trying here, but coming up with nothing. He thought he looked pretty helpless by the time he looked back over at Jinhwan, empty-headed and empty-handed.

To his pleasant surprise, Jinhwan’s expression softened. He reached over and stroked Hanbin’s hair, his face. Hanbin leaned into the touch. “He hurt you, didn’t he?”

Hanbin blinked, glossy-eyed, then he nodded.

Jinhwan softly continued, “I understand why you don’t want to acknowledge this. I understand why you don’t want to admit you were wrong. You have all your defenses up against Bobby because he’s just hurt you so much over the years.”

Hanbin’s lips pouted and parted. Was that true? Was he defending against something? “It was just a stupid rivalry. It shouldn’t hurt. I’m just…” _weak,_ he was weak. He shamefully looked down.

“You’re hurt,” Jinhwan said. “You can’t help that. You don’t decide what hurts you. You’re not weak, or pathetic, or whatever you think you are. It’s okay to hurt. It’s human.”

Hanbin opened his eyes. _Thank you, hyung._

Jinhwan said, “For yourself, let it go, Hanbin. Just let yourself understand. It’s okay, I’m here.”

Two tears rolled down Hanbin’s cheeks at Jinhwan’s words. Jinhwan was there. Jinhwan had never left him at all. Hanbin had been so stupid over the years.

In 2011, a dorky ass foreign kid crashed into Hanbin in the hallway because he did not know where he was or what he was doing. He latched on to the group he trained with and could not afford to visit his family. Hanbin had always been strong-willed and intimidating and Bobby had been afraid of him. Hanbin assumed that Bobby ignored him. He assumed that Bobby fucked him up on purpose. He assumed that Bobby wanted to hurt him with a diss track. He assumed that Bobby hated him.

Bobby had never hated him. Hanbin fucked everything up and _made_ Bobby hate him. It was Hanbin’s fault. He got it wrong, he got everything wrong, and he ruined everything. _That_ was the ribbon – the **_lie_** he had wrapped himself up in. Hanbin went and started a rivalry because Bobby hurt his feelings. God, had he ever needed that ego check. He was so _stupid._

“Hey,” Jinhwan brought Hanbin closer to his chest. Hanbin cuddled up to him and cried. “It’s okay, Hanbin. It’s going to be okay now. This is a good thing. This was a long time coming.”

In between little sobs, Hanbin asked, “Can I stay here today?”

Jinhwan said, “Of course. I could use some help reviewing Junhoe’s track. I don’t actually know that much about composition.”

Despite himself, Hanbin laughed. “You hate being a leader, don’t you?” Not exactly related, but Hanbin had been thinking about it.

Jinhwan only said, “It should have been you.”

Heart fluttering, Hanbin rested his head on Jinhwan’s shoulder. Jinhwan smiled and jokingly added, “Now, trust your hyung’s words, he knows exactly what he’s talking about.”

Hanbin laughed again. Jinhwan did not have to worry. Hanbin trusted his hyung with his life; he had never trusted anyone more. He had never loved anyone more. Maybe he never would.

Point being, he was content to trust Jinhwan in this situation. He was a much better hyung than leader. Everything would be okay now.

-❣-

Things got a little weird after their recent sexy night together. Not bad-weird, just… weird. It was apparent in the way Hanbin would look at him and then quickly turn his head, in the way his eyes sparkled when Bobby caught sight of them before they were hidden again. Bobby felt something nagging at his heartstrings, tugging them and making his chest feel sore, but he had no idea what to do about the feeling. The tension was so different now. Bobby was not sure what to call it anymore.

This whole thing with Hanbin felt like wandering, and he was not sure if he was wandering towards something or just aimlessly around. He knew he did not hate the adventure anymore.

Hanbin rubbed his hands together, spreading the…

“What is this, again?”

“Argan oil.”

…argan oil between his fingers.  Bobby stood in his bed clothes – a t-shirt and shorts – and his hair was still a little damp from his shower earlier, exactly as Hanbin had instructed.

Hanbin combed his fingers through Bobby’s hair, massaging the oil in. Bobby involuntarily let out a satisfied moan. He was not sure if having sex made that sound more or less weird, but Hanbin was not fazed by it. He just continued his ministrations on Bobby’s damaged hair. He insisted that Bobby needed to repair his hair first if he wanted to dye it for their debut, so he was on a mission tonight. His tenacity was cute.

Bobby asked, “What does this stuff do?” He watched the process happen in the mirror.

Without looking away from his work, Hanbin replied, “It makes your hair grow strong and healthy.”

“How do you know this?”

Hanbin did something with his hands that made Bobby’s knees weak, and then answered, “I learned. Yun hyung’s rapidly disintegrating hair is beneficial to everyone but him.”

Bobby let out a loud laugh. He quickly shut his mouth, hoping that was not obnoxious. Hanbin was smiling but not deterred.

After paying special attention to Bobby’s split ends, Hanbin rinsed his hands. He then wrapped Bobby’s hair up in a towel. “This is to make sure it doesn’t stain your pillow.”

Pillow stains were also a sensitive subject, along with the moaning thing. Bobby blushed. Was he the only one that found it hot in there? He met Hanbin’s eyes, and Hanbin looked away. Maybe the temperature was a little higher than average, then.

Bobby sniffled, cleared his throat and said, “Thank you.”

Hanbin smiled, proud of his work. When they locked eyes again, something licked at Bobby’s lower abdomen, hot as a burning flame. Fucking shit, is this what ‘ _butterflies_ ’ were supposed to be _?_ It felt like a dragon was trying to cook the rock in his stomach. Again, Hanbin looked away. He cleaned up the counter and went to his room.

Nah, that could not be the end of things. They had not talked in days about anything more than lunch and music. Hanbin had finally shown something akin to emotion when he admired his own handiwork, maybe happiness, and Bobby really wanted to take advantage of this good mood. He hoped Hanbin was still feeling talkative as he knocked on the boy’s bedroom door.

Hanbin beckoned him in, and Bobby closed the door behind him. He gently sat down on Hanbin’s bed, facing him and crossing his legs. Hanbin crossed his legs as well. So they were doing this, they were going to talk. Oh man, Bobby should have prepared better for this.

“Uh…”

“Are we doing this again?” Hanbin cut him off.

If he was referencing that time Bobby struggled to talk to him in the café, then that was funny. Bobby smiled and looked down, shy. “Uh, yeah, I guess so. Sorry.”

“Take your time.”

God, he was so fucking cute. Bobby could not handle feeling this way, he hated it. Hanbin always had to make his life so difficult.

Bobby said, “We, uhm… we kind of had sex the other day.”

When he looked up, Hanbin was looking down. Hanbin said, “Oh… yeah, we kind of did.”

Bobby toyed with his bracelet. “Do you want to keep doing it?”

Hanbin quickly nodded. “Sure, of course,” he said. “It is just sex. I do like that sort of thing.”

A smile played at his lips. “What sort of thing?”

“You know…” Hanbin was obviously trying to be casual. “Like, the sex things…”

Bobby could not help but laugh. “Are you making fun of me?”

Hanbin raised his eyebrows. “Hm?”

“Are you making fun of how I offered you a blowjob in the studio? Because I was so casual about it?”

“Oh,” Hanbin actually looked surprised. “No, I’m just… I’m just _being_ casual.”

Bobby raised both his eyebrows, a proper smile on his lips now. “Are you?”

Hanbin tried to hold his ground, but after a few seconds, he sighed and his shoulders slumped. “I’m trying to be. I’m not good at this.”

“What, casual sex?”

Hanbin nodded.

“You were pretty good.”

Hanbin blushed. “Not what I mean.”

Bobby playfully said, “Thought you had a ‘fling’.”

Hanbin pouted. “Now _you’re_ making fun of **_me_**.”

Bobby tilted his head, smiling brightly. He grabbed his knees and hugged them to his chest. “Yeah, I am.”

YG Entertainment often teased Hanbin by saying he had a dark cloud over his head, and right then, it let out a grumble of thunder. Bobby giggled. Pouting, Hanbin whined, “You’re so mean.”

“I’m teasing you because you’re adorable, dummy,” Bobby said. His throat closed up after he said it – oh shit, that was not supposed to be verbalized.

Hanbin froze in place, tensing up. Fuck, he was sorry, Bin. He just made it weird…

Miraculously, Hanbin easily said, “I only hooked up with one person ever.”

“What, a playboy like you?” Bobby teased, but he was quite intrigued by the confession.

“Shut up,” Hanbin complained without strength.

“Who was it?”

Hanbin shook his head. “I can’t tell you that.”

“Was it your G-Dragon poster?”

Hanbin’s jaw dropped. He looked so affronted, it was hilarious. “He was not a poster!”

Bobby fake-gasped. “You hooked up with the **_REAL_** G-Dragon ** _?!_** ”

Hanbin took his pillow and started beating Bobby with it. Bobby laughed so hard he had a coughing fit and could not fight Hanbin off and breathe at the same time.

Eventually, Hanbin took mercy. He said, “No, but he _is_ an idol.”

Wiping his tears, Bobby said, “So what does that matter? I wouldn’t use someone’s sexuality to hurt them. I’m not a monster, you know.”

That was a bad choice of words, but it was too late to take it back now. Bobby realized he was really bad at talking.

Hanbin grumbled, “I can’t tell you because he trusts me not to tell.”

Bobby raised his eyebrows. “You trust this guy too?”

He nodded. Bobby figured Hanbin had to have basic trust with the other guy, enough to know they would not cause a scandal, that they had just as much to lose from the risk.

Hanbin could not outright tell him, but there was the guessing loophole that Bobby could try. He really wanted to talk about this; it was hard to come by a conversational partner for the topic of gay romances. Bobby asked, “Jinhwan?”

He swore he witnessed Hanbin’s soul leave his body. When it retuned, Hanbin’s chest moved to indicate he was breathing again. His look was _imploring._

Bobby just shrugged and added, “Not that hard to figure out.”

“Only Junhoe knows,” Hanbin quickly said, then added, “well, as far as we know…”

Bobby gave a short laugh. He had not been sure. It was not too obvious, just logical. “He just seemed the post probable out of the options I had to work with.”

Hanbin shrugged. Bobby felt kind of bad for putting him in this situation. He said, “It’s not obvious. Not really. I mean, that was a guess. I had a feeling, but it was still just a guess.”

Hanbin said, “Whatever.”

Cautiously, Bobby asked, “Can I talk to you about it?”

Hanbin simply said, “Sure.”

Bobby smiled. “You’ve been dying to tell someone, haven’t you?”

Delicately, Hanbin nodded.

It was nice to have someone to talk to about things that people just cannot talk about under normal circumstances. They felt the same. “It’s really cool that you’re so close to Jinhwan and Junhoe despite that.”

Hanbin said, “I did it with Jinhwan because I trust him with my life. He’s my best friend. Nothing could have ruined that.”

“Junhoe, though,” Bobby mentioned, “he took it well?”

“Yeah,” Hanbin said. “He was a little amazed, like you. He thought it was amazing that Jinhwan and I could still be friends. Honestly though, we both knew we were never going to be anything more than friends. We didn’t have feelings. It was just a situational thing.”

Bobby raised his eyebrows, rapt.

Hanbin took that as a cue to continue. “After we lost WIN… I fell into a depression. It got bad. In 2014, I finally started to get better. I wrote good songs, I went on Show Me The Money. I didn’t win, but I did pretty well. I got my debut confirmed, and Healing got theirs. It felt like a new start. I was finally happy enough to even want to be with someone, and Jinhwan told me I better hurry up before I debut, and I told him I didn’t want to date, I just wanted to not be a virgin…” Hanbin laughed shyly at that, and Bobby laughed with him, like a mirror effect. “Yeah, I just wanted somebody sleep with, and Jinhwan was the best option.”

Bobby nodded. “I kind of know what you mean. I’ve only been with one guy, too, and I really trusted him. I still do, you know? But yeah, it was just a casual thing. I kind of got caught up in it and wanted it to go further, but…” He was more afraid he would never find another guy, and he liked dick, so that would be a problem. He shrugged. “It just wasn’t like that.”

Hanbin asked, “Is he the person you did the studio thing with before?”

Bobby loved this wording. He confirmed, “Yeah, the studio thing.”

Hanbin nodded. “Song Minho?”

This time, Bobby’s soul left his body for a moment. He had been wondering if Hanbin would guess it, because Minho trusted him not to tell too. Hanbin could plainly see the answer in Bobby’s expression, and he smiled.

Bobby caught his breath and said, “Don’t tell anyone.”

“How could I?” Hanbin shook his head.

Bobby’s heart hurt – Hanbin did not want to hurt anyone either. It was just Bobby, it had always just been each other. Bobby had fucked up their relationship when they first met in 2011, and then kept fucking it up by never knowing what to say, and by the time he and Hanbin were put in a group, Hanbin hated him. It was his fault, it had always been his fault and he knew it. He was sorry. He wished he could make things better.

Bobby cared so much about Hanbin now. He did not want to see the boy like this, sad and looking down at his hands. He wanted Hanbin to smile and be happy.

Something clicked. “You were depressed? Like, actual depression? The mental illness?”

Hanbin looked up. Bobby could not read his expression. Hanbin said, “Fuck you.”

That took him aback. He blinked rapidly and said, “Oh… I shouldn’t have asked. That’s a sensitive subject.” He should have learned that from Taehyun. He was such an idiot.

Hanbin met his eyes. The ice in them had melted away, and he just looked so _stunned_. Bobby wondered what he had said.

Hanbin asked, “You care?”

Bobby’s heart broke. “Of course I care, what the fuck, Hanbin? What did you think…”

A black hole burst open in Bobby and threatened to eat him alive. _God_ – he _had_ used WIN as ammunition, and Show Me the Money. He _had_ used Hanbin’s depression against him. It was just indirect; he just had not known at the time.

_‘You talk a big game but you haven’t won a game yet / Go cry about it in your studio, ‘cause that’s all you can use it for.’_

Hanbin replied, “Mental illness is kind of taboo, you know? I wasn’t sure…”

“I’m sorry,” Bobby blurted.

A moment of silence followed. Neither of them knew what to say, or where to look besides the other’s eyes.

Hanbin said, “It’s not your fault Korea is like this.”

“No, I’m sorry for my lyrics,” Bobby said. “In my diss track I dropped after Show Me the Money, the one about you being a loser. I didn’t even know that was important. I’m so sorry… I’m sorry, Hanbin. I’m sorry about everything.”

Hanbin did not respond. They sat like that for a while, just letting everything sink in. Then Hanbin said, “Okay,” and that was not indicative that the conversation had ended, so Bobby waited. Hanbin said, “Okay, that’s all,” and Bobby got up off the bed at that.

He wanted to be specific, but he felt this was plenty for the moment. There would be other times to talk, preferably times that had not already been ruined by his dumb mouth, and preferably times with less of a dumb towel on his head (it was starting to feel heavy).

As he walked by Hanbin’s bedside, Hanbin reached out and brushed fingers across his knuckles, feather-light. Bobby stopped. Hanbin gently held his hand. They were both trembling for different reasons, as always. Hanbin felt soft as opposed to fragile however.

Hanbin said, “Good night,” and let him go.

Bobby did not think his heart had ever beaten so loud. Hanbin called after him, “Don’t take off the towel! It’s a night mask!”

Hanbin proved time and time again that he was a leader first and an emotional wreck second. Even after all that had happened, Bobby laughed.

-❣-

They were well into the second week of May, their full album demo was due in just over a month, but they still had time apart. Sometimes it was for lessons and schedules with magazines, sometimes they had to work alone. Bobby worked without Hanbin a lot because of his solo album.

It got weirdly lonely. He missed Hanbin when they were apart.

Bobby’s personal lyric notebook lay open on the table. His album folder was open on his computer, and it was almost complete. It would be perfect enough in a few more months. It had greatly improved since February.

There was a knock on the door. Finally, they got here. Bobby beckoned his friend in.

“What took you so long?” Bobby asked, smiling reaching his eyes.

“Traffic,” Taehyun replied. He closed the door behind him and teased, “You really missed me, huh?”

Bobby shyly tilted his head. He leaned over to give Bobby a hug, and Bobby stood up to properly embrace him. Bobby held him like that for as long as Taehyun would let him. When Taehyun finally pushed and scratched him away like a disgruntled cat, the two sat down in the twin spinning chairs in Bobby’s studio. Taehyun’s eyes immediately caught the work open on the computer and the desk.

“How’s everything going?” he asked.

Bobby nodded. “It’s… fine,” he said. He leaned back in his chair, swaying side to side.

Taehyun gently picked up the notebook. “May I?”

Bobby let him. Taehyun looked over the page it was open to. He bit his lip. Bobby had no doubt that Taehyun was piecing something together. He asked, “Wanna hear what I’ve been working on?”

“Sure,” Taehyun said. Quickly, he tacked on, “How’s everything with Hanbin?”

Somehow, he really felt like Taehyun knew something already. Bobby continued swaying. “It’s fine.”

Taehyun gave him a small giggle. “Why don’t you tell me what’s really going on? You called me to talk to _me_ specifically, right? I know there’s a reason.”

Bobby looked down at his hands. “You’re…” he did not know how to say this in a way that was not offensive. “You’re not… here.”

Taehyun nodded. “You want to talk to someone outside the drama, right?”

Bobby looked up at him, relieved. “Exactly.”

Taehyun leaned back in his chair and got comfortable, eyes skimming the lyrics in Bobby’s notebook. “So talk to me.”

Bobby kissed his teeth and asked, “Wow, where do I start?” Taehyun gave him time. Bobby said, “I just want to run away from all the attention.”

Taehyun nodded. “I know what that’s like. Next chance you get, take a vacation. Or drive somewhere obscure at night. Not _too_ obscure though, I won’t have your dead body on my conscience.”

Bobby laughed. “Thanks.”

Taehyun asked, “Anything else?” He was either very invested in the song he was reading or very good at pretending to be.

Bobby needed an opinion outside the YG circle, but still from someone who knew how it was, so he should probably do that now. It was just really hard to talk about Hanbin. “Uhm, I got close to Hanbin recently.”

“Oh?” Taehyun asked, seemingly very curious, and in that moment Bobby realized he was good at pretending. Taehyun knew _something_ by now.

Regardless, he continued, “Yeah. And it’s weird, because like… he hates me.”

Taehyun scoffed. “Still? I don’t think so. If you’re closer now, he doesn’t hate you. Hanbin does _not_ let people in, period, much less someone he hates.”

“I deserve it, though,” Bobby said. “And actually, I should still hate him too. He hasn’t even said sorry.”

Taehyun gave a small laugh. “So why do you even like him then?”

“Because,” Bobby said, and did not know why he got defensive, “he’s actually a good guy. He’s funny, too. And he’s great with cats.”

Taehyun snorted. “You might have to marry him, then.”

“Ah, don’t make fun of me,” Bobby weakly swatted at him with a smile. “I don’t know what to do. Everybody’s telling me to just talk to him but I don’t know if that ever fixes anything. We have a lot of history. And I think the guys here are too close to the situation. Donghyuk almost went crazy…”

“You want an unbiased voice of reason,” Taehyun said.

“Exactly.”

“Well, Bobby, I am friends with all of your friends, you know, and I have been following the drama.”

“I know, but… you haven’t been babysitting us.”

“I get it,” Taehyun said. “I’m far enough away.” Bobby nodded. Taehyun said, “It makes sense you guys finally like each other. You have a lot in common. And you’re both just good guys. There’s no reason for you to hate each other.”

“Even if we don’t,” Bobby asked, “is it possible to recover from what we did to each other?”

“I think so,” Taehyun said. “If you two are truly sorry, then that’s a good start. You can start over. Then you can develop a relationship.”

Bobby nodded. “Okay…” He added, “I’ve been so stressed about it. I just wanna run away.”

Taehyun nodded back. “Running away is peaceful, but… lonely. And it doesn’t fix your problems.”

Taehyun dropped Bobby’s notebook on the desk. It was open to his lyrics for ‘Lean On Me’.

“You should fix things with your precious person.”

Bobby understood. “Thanks, hyung. I miss you.”

Taehyun gave him a small smile, eyes shining. “I miss you too. I’m your hyung forever though, remember that.”

Bobby owed so much to Winner, his first family here. Of course he would be their dongsaeng forever. He loved them too much to forget.

Taehyun said, “So let’s hear what you got.”

Bobby smiled and let Taehyun choose the song. He selected ‘In Love’ – typical.

-❣-

“Bobby!” Hanbin yelled. “Where the fuck did you put my sweater?”

“What?” Bobby yelled back.

Hanbin sighed and stormed into Bobby’s room. Bobby jumped off his bed, startled.

“Where’s my sweater?” Hanbin demanded. “It must be in here, we’ve been getting each other’s clothes mixed up lately.”

“You’re the one wearing _my_ clothes,” Bobby said.

“You wore my pants!” Hanbin argued. He flipped over a pile of Bobby clothes, and Bobby whined at him to stop destroying things. Hanbin was on a mission. He knew it had to be in there. “You _suck_ at laundry.”

“Hanbin, can you just—”

“No! It’s my favourite grey sweater!”

Bobby placed a hand on Hanbin’s arm and tried to stand him up straight. “Hanbin, we can look for it together.”

Hanbin stood upright and pushed Bobby’s hand away. “ _No!_ ” He faced Bobby with a frown and his lips in a full pout. “It’s my _favourite!_ I don’t want it to b—”

Bobby grabbed Hanbin’s face and pulled their lips together. Hanbin wrapped his arms around Bobby’s waist and pulled their bodies flush together, fervently kissing him back.

The time bomb stopped ticking. The ribbon unraveled and fell in a lump at Hanbin’s feet.

-❣-

The rock in Bobby’s stomach crumbled to dust. His heart fell back into place.

Bobby’s tongue practically tripped over itself while he struggled to catch his bearings. Hanbin helped him out, opening his mouth, and Bobby slipped his tongue in. Hanbin balled his fists in Bobby’s shirt, slipped Bobby’s thigh between his legs. Bobby could not kiss him hard enough, grabbing at his face his hair, pulling him in by his back and squishing their chests together. Hanbin grabbed Bobby’s head and attempted to go in harder, to lead the kiss, and Bobby tried to get a grip on any other part of Hanbin, he just wanted _more_ Hanbin, and with one final push against him, Hanbin sent them both tumbling down onto the bed behind them.

They were not deterred. They rolled over on the bed so Bobby was on top, kissing and grinding down onto him hard. Hanbin took control of the kiss and sucked Bobby’s tongue, pushed Bobby’s head back to bite his lips. Bobby hated when they stopped to breathe. He dove right back in when Hanbin lifted his teeth from Bobby’s bottom lip.

Bodies flush against bodies and lips flush against lips, they kissed each other breathless. They kissed like that until their minds returned to them. Finally, when their lips were too sore to ignore the pain in favour of the pleasure, Hanbin bit Bobby’s lip, _hard,_ before pulling away, and then shoved Bobby off of his body. Bobby bounced on the mattress were he landed.

They both stared at the ceiling for a moment, eyes wide and swollen lips parted, catching their breath. Bobby said, “We need to talk,” a breath, “about everything.”

Hanbin responded, “Yeah.”

They took their time to prepare for this. Hanbin sat up first, and Bobby followed when he was ready. They faced each other with crossed legs on Bobby’s bed.

“Oh shit,” Hanbin said, “you’re bleeding.”

Bobby touched his lip with the back of his hand. Shit, he _was_ bleeding. Hanbin quickly bounced off the bed to fetch the tissue box and dropped it on Bobby’s lap. Bobby placed a tissue against his lip and thanked him. Hanbin checked his own lip for blood, but he was good.

He shyly said, “Sorry about that.”

Bobby was too turned on by it to be mad. “It’s cool.”

Hanbin giggled and said, “I thought you would be more likely to do that to me.”

Bobby pouted, but he was not offended. “My teeth are big, but not sharp. I wasn’t the one biting _you_ , either.”

Hanbin’s smile was so fond, Bobby’s heart danced in his chest, and he was so happy it was finally back where it belonged. Hanbin said, “I like your buck teeth.”

Bobby raised his eyebrows at him. “What’s with the change of heart?”

Hanbin laughed, “Fuck if I know,” and Bobby laughed with him. He added, “I don’t think I ever said I didn’t like them, though. I just said you have buck teeth.”

Bobby’s eyes disappeared as he smiled. “What about my eyes?”

“I never said anything about those at all,” Hanbin said, tracing his fingers along the blanket. “I think they’re pretty.”

Bobby could really get used to all this validation. He said, “I’m sorry I said you were ugly. I just said that to be mean. I was just an idiot.”

Hanbin raised his eyebrows. “So you think I’m handsome?”

Bobby moved his eyebrows suggestively. “ _Very_ handsome.”

Hanbin turned pink, and he tried to hide his toothy smile. Bobby was so content.

“Let’s start from the beginning,” Hanbin said.

“Right,” Bobby said, getting to business. “Uh, I was actually lost on the first day. I didn’t want to talk to anyone.”

“Oh,” Hanbin laughed. “I’m sorry.”

Bobby looked at him, surprised. “First time you’ve apologized about this.”

Hanbin looked down, like _yeah, well_ … “I’ll get better.”

Bobby was pleased enough with that. He continued, “Then after that I just felt too awkward to talk to you? It really was not hateful at all.”

“I was too hard-headed,” Hanbin said. “I took it personally. That was my fault.”

“It was my fault for not being a man and apologizing for looking like an idiot,” Bobby said. “I told Winner – or, Team A – about it, and they said they would protect me from embarrassing myself again.”

Hanbin let out a laugh of disbelief. “I was so hurt!”

“I’m sorry!” Bobby laughed. “And you know I didn’t mean to fuck up the evaluation, I just got scared because you kept bullying me.”

“I was a dick,” Hanbin said. “I get really intense in training.”

“It’s alright,” Bobby said. “You motivated me to do better after that. I probably wouldn’t have the same willpower I do now if it wasn’t for that evaluation.”

Hanbin blinked. “Wow. You’re welcome…?”

Laughing, Bobby said, “I wouldn’t go that far.” Hanbin nodded. Bobby continued, “After that, I think we started the diss tracks? I didn’t intend the first one to be about you. By ‘idol rappers’, I just mean the ones that don’t write their own shit. The ones that get the rap position by their company, the singers who are not good enough singers yet. You know?”

“I know,” Hanbin confirmed. “I’ve known that for a long time. I just needed an excuse.”

Bobby nodded. “And Bin?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m sorry for everything else,” he said. “I don’t know if I can remember everything now, but for everything I said, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean any of the insults. I was just…”

Hanbin supplied, “Hurt.”

Bobby nodded. “Yeah.”

“I’m sorry too,” Hanbin said. Bobby wondered how bittersweet that tasted in Hanbin’s mouth. “For everything. I truly am. I was hurt too.”

There was a lot for Hanbin to apologize for.

_Got nothing good to say so you might as well be Quiett._

_Only a monster chooses fame over love._

_You growl like a dog to make your words seem dangerous / but you just sound illiterate._

_Don’t pretend you’re a wolf when you’re a rabbit._

_All dressed up and half-plastic like a Barbie doll._

_You’re a bitch to a man like me._

He did not blame Hanbin for not remembering _everything_ now.

Bobby just shook his head. “No more hurting each other.”

Hanbin concurred, “No more.”

Resolutely, Bobby said, “We need to kiss to seal the deal.”

Hanbin rolled backwards from laugher. “Oh, is that so _?_ ”

“Absolutely,” Bobby tugged on his hand to pull him upright.

“But you’re bleeding!”

“Not really anymore! Fine, just a small kiss.”

They stood up, because Bobby wanted to hold him. He placed his hands on Hanbin’s waist, and Hanbin placed his arms around Bobby’s neck. To avoid the healing cut on his lower lip, Hanbin pecked Bobby’s top lip. He asked, “Does that count?”

Bobby’s hands clasped together behind Hanbin’s lower back. “For now.” There would be plenty opportunities to make up for it.

On that wavelength, Hanbin said, “If we do, it would be easy to go on dates, you know. We’re in a subunit now. Plus, people won’t expect us to be together, so disguises will probably work.”

“We could drive places too,” Bobby said. “I have my license.”

Hanbin’s eyes lit up. “Really? How?”

“I use my manager’s car,” Bobby said. “He gave me permission to use it. He’ll still give me permission.”

“Wow,” Hanbin marveled. “Your manager really trusts you.”

Bobby laughed. “You can’t say the same?”

Hanbin snorted. “He worries a lot about me.”

Bobby’s eyes softened, head tilted. He pulled Hanbin a little closer. “Yeah...”

Hanbin tilted his head in response, his eyes wide and inquisitive. He wanted to hear Bobby say it. He wanted the validation, even if he did not want the other’s concern. Bobby knew him by now.

Bobby said, “Me too.”

Hanbin immediately reassured, “Don’t worry about me. I’m doing okay.” He paused. “I think I’m almost happy.”

Bobby brushed his thumb over Hanbin’s cheek. His smile was a little dazed. “Wow.”

Hanbin brushed his hand over Bobby’s (now soft) hair, dragged it down his cheek and neck. He moved to step away, and Bobby did the same. Before he left, probably to look for that sweater, because Hanbin does not quit anything, Hanbin remembered to ask, “Are _you_ happy?”

Bobby’s smile grew wider and his eyes disappeared into crescents. “Yeah, I am.”

The butterfly-dragons were hot and chaotic but Bobby welcomed the fire. It was inarguably better than that stupid rock had been.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *smut scene begins exactly where you think it does! it is explicitly proposed, and ends at the end of the scene.
> 
> Fun Facts on this chapter:  
> \- I wrote the kiss scene last for this chapter. I knew I wanted it to happen but I was not sure how. I even wrote a lot of chapter 7 before it. When I came up with the idea though, I stuck with it. I have never made so few adjustments to a scene. LOVE me that fight-kiss trope.  
> \- Overall this chapter was really satisfying for me. Hope I managed all that symbolism well enough! (try to catch the foreshadowing too.) ~


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thank you as always for reading, kudosing, bookmarking, and commenting! I really hear the nicest things from you guys (and I always reply. If I fail to answer your question, it means I answer it in the fic). I hope you're all well and like the chapter! 
> 
> Warning in this chapter for some angst and mental illness. You can see the end notes for where the panic attack is, but it is not described in detail, it is only a few lines, and it is only mentioned, not really experienced. Still, if you want to check, go to the end notes! It won't spoil anything. Take care everyone!

The slate was wiped clean, but they had a long way to go. Bobby and Hanbin agreed that they would take things slowly. They decided to be friends first. However, they also decided it would create unnecessary tension to _eliminate_ the ‘benefits’ part, so they simply _limited_ that part. It was fine for them; they had always been an unconventional pair anyway.

Working in the studio was a lot more fun now. Hanbin helped Bobby with all of his tracks too. It was a little embarrassing to have Hanbin listen to the tracks written for him, or with him in mind, but Bobby did not clarify who they were for, and Hanbin did not ask, so they got through it with subdued smiles and avoided glances.

One day in Hanbin’s studio, they took some time off to goof around. The refining process was going well, and both of their title tracks were done completely. They only got two weeks to refine the title tracks before sending them off for the final mix, as those needed music videos, so they had gotten those out of the way as soon as they could. The rest of the album was more fun anyway. They could play with those tracks, and slip hints into them that they might not get away with on the title tracks.

Bobby threw a pen at Hanbin’s head. Hanbin kicked his chair, and they both rolled away from each other laughing. Bobby then threw a paperclip.

Hanbin shook his head to make sure the paperclip fell out of his hair. He laughed and asked, “Why does your energy always turn into violence?”

Snorting a laugh and shrugging, Bobby said, “I don’t know.”

The pen had rolled under the desk, and Hanbin liked that pen, so he went to retrieve it. Luckily, it had not rolled far, so he could just scoop it up. He bent over.

“Don’t move,” Bobby said.

Hanbin froze in place. Was there a spider on him or something? He tried to not freak out.

Something fell to the floor near his feet. Upon examination, he found two, slightly creased, 1000won notes. He picked them up and stood upright in disbelief.

“Did you just make it rain on my ass?”

Bobby looked way too proud of himself to be a respectable adult. He beamed, eyes in crescents, and Hanbin did not need him to say _‘I totally did’_ in order to get the message.

Bobby got his wish. Hanbin reacted. He did not mind the sentiment, but his ass was only worth 2000won?! Hanbin had to fight for his integrity here.

They tumbled to the floor, trying to get each other into a chokehold. Bobby preferred bursts of aggression though, not a prolonged fight, so he went much harder on trying to pin Hanbin, whereas Hanbin just enjoyed the playtime.

After a few minutes, Hanbin surrendered to Bobby. Bobby was getting a little too forceful for casual roughhousing, and Hanbin decided to let him cool off. Bobby sat on Hanbin’s back with his hand on Hanbin’s neck and Hanbin’s face to the floor.

“You know,” he said, “I didn’t appreciate this enough last time.”

“You know,” Hanbin replied, “I was actually just thinking the same thing.”

Bobby laughed and moved off of Hanbin, dropping down to sit beside him. Hanbin sat upright and crossed his legs. Bobby sniffled, smiled dopily, and he was glad he had tired Bobby out. The other boy had been getting a bit too restless.

“Back to work?”

Bobby pouted, but he did not look sad. He agreed. Hanbin pulled him onto his feet and they walked back to their chairs.

Pen in hand, Hanbin flipped through his lyric book. He had changed some things on a song recently, and he did not even have music to match anymore. He wanted to work on it.

“Hey,” he said. “Want to look at this? I’m starting to write music for it.”

Bobby raised his eyebrows. “You wrote lyrics before music?”

This time he did. Bobby took the notebook and read over it.

_My heart pounds at the touch I’m used to_

_Thinking about it too hard for no reason_

_I end up looking at you_

_Even when you call me with the same tone of voice_

_It seems mysterious, ambiguous,_

_And I am used to it, but nervous_

_What is this mysterious feeling?_

_Were you always this pretty?_

_I’m slowly falling for you_

Hanbin reveled in how Bobby’s features softened and his smile grew shy. It was not even close to the amount of payback he deserved for ‘Lean On Me’, though; Hanbin thought he might actually just burn to ashes reading through that one.

Bobby nodded. “Whoever this is for, he’s lucky.”

Hanbin scoffed. “I was probably drunk when I wrote that.”

Bobby shot him a bitch-face and Hanbin burst into laughter. “That’s funny,” Bobby deadpanned. He sniffled. His tone lightened a little as he added, “It’s actually funny, you should include that.”

Bobby rolled his chair forward to be next to Hanbin. He snatched Hanbin’s pen, probably just for the sake of snatching it. He scribbled something down in the notebook and Hanbin complained at him to stop. His writing was too messy, Hanbin would not be able to read it anyway, and he would get ink stains on Hanbin’s other lyrics. Bobby giggled and kicked Hanbin’s chair, sending it away.

Hanbin wheeled back to Bobby’s side and grabbed at the pen. Bobby resisted. They played a game of tug-of-war with it until Bobby gave in. He let himself be pulled forward, causing Hanbin to yank him close and pull their lips together. What a punk. At least Hanbin won the battle for the pen. He kissed Bobby back.

-❣-

Hanbin lied on Bobby’s body, and Bobby played with Hanbin’s hair. They were having some down time. Hanbin’s hair was so soft and smelled like fruit and flowers, different depending on the day. The scent of fruit wafted off his head today as Bobby fluffed his hair around. Bobby did not know why he ever doubted Hanbin in the first place; even blinded by hate, he could not ignore the fact that Hanbin had some luscious locks. He had been a fool.

“Hey,” Hanbin said.

“Yeah?”

“Is it…” He took a moment. “Is it okay that our tracks are still out there? I know we’re good, but… is that okay? That they exist? I think it would be suspicious to get rid of all of them, and we can’t get rid of the tracks that YG gets money from.”

Bobby actually had not thought about that in a while. Hanbin was a great distraction from media bullshit, so it was easy to ignore what people were saying, and the two did not really listen to their own old stuff. He said, “Oh… yeah, it’s okay with me. It can be something we laugh about later.”

Hanbin softly replied, “Yeah.”

It still warmed Bobby’s heart that Hanbin deleted a track for him. “Hey,” Bobby said, “I’m gonna delete one for you too, some bullshit one off my SoundCloud.”

Hanbin said, “You don’t have to.”

Bobby said, “I know,” and continued petting his hair. “And I’m not gonna tell Manager Hyung first.”

“Hyung,” Hanbin warned, “Hoejangnim will get mad.”

“We’re in this together. If you go down, I go down too.”

Hanbin snorted to stifle a laugh. Bobby scolded, “Aish, don’t laugh, you pervert.”

Hanbin laughed. Bobby sighed and laughed with him. Hanbin squeezed him into a hug, chest to chest, and Bobby wrapped his arms around Hanbin, squeezing back. His precious person.

“Hey,” Bobby remembered. “What’s that tattoo on your chest?”

Hanbin took a moment, then said, “It says ‘nihilism’.”

“I know,” Bobby said, “I looked it up. It’s kind of dark.”

“I guess,” Hanbin said. “I got that at the end of WIN. That’s when I started to agree with the worldview. You can work yourself to death for nothing, so you might as well live to work for something.”

Bobby blinked. He pushed a lock of Hanbin’s hair over. “Oh? Can you explain that?”

Hanbin shrugged a little. “I don’t know. I wanted to die after I lost WIN. I realized that hard work really means nothing. I mean, I debuted, but I lost WIN, and my goal was to win the show, so everything I did to win the show was pointless in the end. It was just the goal of the moment. But yeah, all I did didn’t even matter. If there is a God, I don’t think he cares, but maybe that’s not a bad thing. We’re all free to do what we want with our lives. We have to choose to be happy because life is pointless anyway, it only matters to you. That’s what I believe in. There is no reason for us to live, so you might as well live for a reason. There is no guarantee of success or karma. I do what I do to be happy, because nothing else matters in the end. I guess some things matter, like, world peace, and recycling. You know. The Earth will die someday too though, so, eh.”

Bobby could not help but give an airy chuckle at that. It was simultaneously the most optimistic and morbid worldview Bobby had ever heard. Bobby dropped a kiss on Hanbin’s head.

“I know you don’t believe in God, not really,” Bobby said, “but I believe in Him. I think everything matters. And I am so grateful that He gave you to me. You matter, Hanbin.”

Hanbin shifted. He slid an arm under Bobby to hug him tightly for a moment, then got comfortable lying on top of his body again. He did not speak again, just sniffled, breathed a little too heavily to be steady. If Hanbin wanted Bobby to know he was crying, he would let Bobby know. Right then Bobby just let him do what he needed to do. Bobby continued caressing Hanbin’s hair with one hand and stroked his back with the other. His eyes fell shut.

(Bobby deleted the track the next day. Somehow, Bobby felt that neither his Manager Hyung nor YG Hoejangnim were as mad at him as they had been at Hanbin. Perhaps they had gotten tired of Double B’s shenanigans by now.)

-❣-

Nothing special ever happened on a Wednesday. Hanbin figured it was a day that was separate from the Earth and only existed as a concept in the cosmos. Is there even such thing as a middle of a week? It was hump day, yeah, but that is only exciting if you have someone to hump. And he did, but said partner was busy. They were both busy. Hanbin would argue that Friday was the humpiest day anyway.

“What do you think, Yeobo?” Hanbin asked. “Should I bother with existential crises or just surrender to the void?”

Yeobo purred. She was right. The true spirit of nihilism was living for oneself. Hanbin could do as he pleased.

Needless to say, it was the first week of June.

As Hanbin pet Yeobo, Bobby crashed into the dorm. He had Yeobo’s carrying case in his hands, covered by a big white sheet. Hanbin simply had no idea. Bobby just smiled at him and ran to his bedroom – or, their bedroom, the one that used to be just Bobby’s.

“Do you think he has another man in there?” Hanbin asked. Yeobo licked her lips. Sometimes Hanbin swore she _knew_ what human boys were, and she was quite fond of them. “Mm… probably not. Only Jinhwan would fit, and he’s taken. Sorry, baby.”

When Bobby emerged from the room, he was carrying a huge bouquet of flowers. Hanbin’s jaw dropped.

“What is this?”

“It’s for you!” Bobby bounced on his butt as he plopped down onto the couch. He offered the flowers out. Hanbin accepted them, mouth hanging agape. They were white and pink, and he did not know what they were called, but they resembled different types of lilies, maybe orchids. “You told me you like flower arrangements!”

Hanbin blinked. He had mentioned that, but only in passing. “You got these for me because I like flowers?”

Bobby nodded, beaming. He pointed to a smaller stem of flowers and said, “These are called ‘Sweet Lips’.”

Hanbin sighed. “You got these because they’re called ‘Sweet Lips’.”

Bobby just grinned wildly. “It’s a custom arrangement!”

God damn it, Bobby, he could not even try to be condescending. Hanbin lit up with a smile. Bobby smiled impossibly brighter.

“Do you like them?” Bobby asked.

Hanbin said, “Of course I like them, I just don’t know what to do…”

“Smell them,” Bobby informed.

He really hoped Bobby knew that Hanbin did not literally mean he did not know what to do with a flower. He smelled them anyway. The perfume was almost as heady as his feelings for Bobby right now. “They smell nice,” Hanbin reported.

“I got them for you because you’re stressed,” Bobby said. He leaned back on the couch. “Are you happy yet?”

Hanbin’s heart skipped a beat, and he did not think his expression could possibly be fonder as he looked at his boy. “I think so.” Bobby gazed at him as though he was some kind of angel. Hanbin shyly looked away. “I have to admit, though, I kind of like our other way of relieving stress, too.”

Bobby laughed. “We can do that too.”

Definitely emboldened by the gift, Hanbin asked, “Can we try roleplay scenarios?”

Bobby blinked. “Tonight?”

“Yes, tonight.”

After a moment to let that settle, Bobby jumped forward in his seat, regarded Hanbin with the most zealous smile he had ever seen. “REALLY?! BECAUSE OF THE FLOWERS?! _Holy shit_ , I’m becoming a florist ** _!!_** ”

Hanbin laughed so hard tears formed in his eyes. He leaned against Bobby for support and Bobby laughed with him, whooping and cheering. Hanbin delicately placed the flowers on the coffee table to keep them safe, then turned around and tackled Bobby down onto the couch with kisses.

-❣-

Bobby thought this had to be what falling in love was like. He knew his heart was getting ahead of his brain, and they really needed to take more time with this, but wow, Bobby was ready for it to happen whenever it would happen.

Their deadline was tomorrow, and it had taken a really convincing blowjob and kitten impression, but Bobby managed to put Hanbin to bed for the night with the promise that they still had time to perfect it.

Bobby was currently in the studio refining the demos himself. He was not too worried, because they did still have some time to work on the album after the album demo was reviewed and the title tracks were taken for arrangement. He was too excited to worry, because he was planning a surprise for Hanbin that night.

Bobby finished editing one of the final songs and deleted the previous draft. Hanbin had a shit-ton of files. Bobby sorted through them as best he could to find the complete tracks and attach them to the document for YG. The title tracks were nicely labeled, but everything else was organized in a way that probably only made sense to Hanbin. Why were there two versions of this? Bobby exited the folder. He clicked another X button somewhere… okay now he was lost, what was this? He exited the file.

He had to listen to a few to figure out which ones to send, but eventually, he sent the files he needed. Hanbin really needed to be clearer about things, what even was the difference between Track 7 Rough 2 and Rough 3 anyway? He worried too much. At least this would help him clear his mind.

Bobby quickly exited everything, just eager to get out of the studio. Before he left, he checked Hanbin’s garbage bin on the computer. He had to have at least a GB of trashed work in there. Bobby emptied the bin to cleanse him of it. He was going to take better care of Hanbin from now on.

-❣-

A voice stirred Hanbin from sleep. It was deep and gravelly, grating against the silence, but soothing. Even half conscious, Hanbin recognized it, and he smiled.

“Hm?” Hanbin asked.

“Hey,” Bobby whispered. “Want to go on a date?”

Hanbin’s eyes fluttered open. Bobby was right next to his face, beanie on his head. Hanbin’s stomach flipped. Some moonlight seeped in through the curtains, but he could only see the murky outline of Bobby’s features while his eyes adjusted to the darkness. “Mm?”

“Do you speak Korean?” Bobby asked.

Hanbin sighed and gave Bobby a weak shove. Bobby giggled softly. Hanbin coughed and replied, “A date? Where? What time is it?”

“It’s 1 in the morning,” Bobby said. “You were only asleep for an hour.”

“Oh…” Hanbin tried to will away the sleepiness. “Okay, sure, where should we go?”

Bobby’s smiled with teeth, so Hanbin could kind of see a change in his facial expression. “We could drive if you want.”

Hanbin creased his eyebrows. “Wait, how far do you want to go? We have work in the morning. Our deadline is tomorrow.”

“Actually,” Bobby said, “I sent the tracks already.”

“What? Hyung, those weren’t done…”

“It’s okay, Bin,” Bobby assured. “He just needed the demos, remember? We still get to refine everything when he gives us the okay.”

He was still a little upset that Bobby did that without him, but also relieved in a way. They would not have to worry about the tracks for a few days while their boss listened to and critiqued them. YG’s approval was a different anxiety of Hanbin’s, an omnipresent feeling, so for tonight, he decided he could ignore it. He smiled. “Okay.”

Hanbin wondered if he would be able to see Bobby’s eyes if it were light in the room or if Bobby was just smiling that widely. “Put on a beanie and a mask and meet me at the door.”

“Wait,” Hanbin remembered, “we can’t get a company car. It’s 1 in the morning.” Bobby reached into his pocket, pulled something out. He jingled the object – a ring with a car key. Hanbin’s jaw dropped. “Where did you get that?”

“It’s for my manager’s car,” Bobby said. “He made me a key so I could do the shopping when we lived together.”

Hanbin was in awe. “I really need to gain my manager’s trust.”

Bobby just laughed at him. “Go, get the stuff.”

“Why are we whispering?” Hanbin asked.

Bobby whispered, playfully, “Because we’re being _baaad._ ”

Hanbin covered his mouth to muffle his laughter. “We’re going joyriding like delinquents.” The prospect of being reckless was absolutely _thrilling._

Bobby nodded. “And we’re sneaking out, so _shhhh._ ”

Hanbin was shushed. He nodded. Before Bobby could stand up, Hanbin placed a hand on the back of his neck. “Hey, hyung, wait…” he gently pulled Bobby down.

Bobby pressed his lips to Hanbin’s. Hanbin kissed him slowly, and Bobby kissed him back. Hanbin would have kissed him for a lot longer if he was not worried about killing Bobby’s knees. He let the older boy go. Bobby smiled at him, kissed his cheek, and stood up, knees cracking as he did so. Hanbin had to cover his mouth to laugh again. 

-❣-

They drove the car out of the company garage and headed out.

“Where to?” Hanbin asked.

Bobby laughed. “There’s nothing really open but the convenience store.”

Hanbin laughed with him. “Sounds romantic, let’s go!”

Bobby raised his eyebrows at Hanbin and said, “Not this one, though. We’re going to drive to the one on the next block down.”

Hanbin gasped. “We’re really being crazy tonight.”

Bobby laughed loudly and laced his fingers with Hanbin’s. Hanbin held on tight.

They let go of each other’s hands when they were in the convenience store, just to be safe. They could not get _too_ wild. Bobby and Hanbin walked beside each other up and down the aisles. They picked out foods, and let the other decide if they could afford it before their first subunit paycheck (jokingly, but it never hurt to be frugal), or if it violated the terms of their company-mandated diet. They cared about the latter issue less than the former.

For their late night snack, Bobby and Hanbin chose a sandwich each, Bobby got soda, and Hanbin demanded they get chocolate ice cream, because they were on a date! Bobby was not going to fight him on it, although Hanbin was adorable when he was pouting, so Bobby did not give in too easily. Hanbin shoved his sandwich into Bobby’s hands and got the ice cream himself, chanting its name all the while. Bobby could not keep the volume of his laughter under control.

They paid for their snacks at the counter and left as soon as possible to be polite. They were clearly too joyful to be in the presence of this night-shift worker.

They then drove to a nearby park to eat their food. They sat on a bench, legs crossed and food in their laps. Hanbin had opened the ice cream to eat in the car, though, giving Bobby licks every so often.

“Open,” Hanbin said, and held up the last bit of the cone.

It was difficult for Bobby to smile and open his mouth at the same time, but he managed. Hanbin put the cone in his mouth. Bobby ate it and thanked him.

Hanbin inhaled a deep breath of air and slowly exhaled. Bobby did the same. The night smelled like the end of spring, humid and chilly, but comfortable and clean. He might have inhaled a bug too. He forcefully blew it out of his nose. Hanbin was slightly startled, then he smiled, and pet Bobby’s hair to calm him down. Bobby sniffled and calmed down.

He opened his sandwich and took a bite, then offered it to Hanbin. Hanbin opened his mouth and Bobby shoved it inside. Hanbin gagged. Bobby quickly removed the sandwich and patted Hanbin’s back.

“Go easy on me,” Hanbin said once he recomposed himself. “I can’t take it all at once.”

Bobby snorted. “I know that’s a lie.”

Hanbin giggled, and Bobby giggled with him. “Sorry,” Bobby then apologized, “I just wanted you to have enough.”

Hanbin nodded and said, “You’re sweet. Thank you.”

They ate in relative silence, just commenting on some things around them, or how the food tasted. They shared Bobby’s soda, and Bobby regretted not getting two straws for them, but whatever, at least this was like an indirect kiss. He fed Hanbin more gently after the incident. Hanbin accepted the food just as gently, as if to express that he appreciated the concern.

As they finished their food, Hanbin said dusted off his hands and said, “Thanks for taking me out.”

Bobby smiled at him, but Hanbin was looking down, appearing shy. Bobby’s heart swelled with affection. He had it bad for the guy. “Of course.”

Hanbin met Bobby’s eyes. Bobby’s heart fluttered. Hanbin said, “I really… _hyung,_ ” his eyes widened in surprise, “we haven’t confessed yet!”

Bobby raised his eyebrows. “We haven’t?”

Hanbin shook his head. “Not officially.”

He supposed they had not said it out loud yet. Huh. “Who should go first?”

Hanbin giggled. “You asked me out, but I can go first if you want.”

“Do you want to rock-paper-scissors for it?”

Hanbin shoved Bobby with a smile. “This is an important event! Fine, you lost your chance. Hyung, I like you.”

Bobby’s smile tugged impossible higher at the corners, eyes sparkling and squished up in half-moons. They did not close completely, though – he wanted to keep his gaze on Hanbin, admire him for as long as he could tonight. “I like you too.”

A breathy giggle escaped Hanbin’s mouth, and he did the cutest little shy dance, Bobby damn near melted. His head fondly tilted to the side. Hanbin pushed their foreheads together and captured Bobby’s lips in a small kiss.

Bobby, smiling with teeth again, asked, “So, does this mean we’re dating now?”

Hanbin replied, “Yeah, it does.”

Nervously, Bobby fiddled with his fingers. He asked, “Does it mean anything else? Do you… want to be boyfriends?”

Hanbin paused for a moment. He lifted his head to properly look at Bobby’s face. “Let’s not label it yet. Let’s keep taking it slow and last a long time.”

Bobby happily agreed, “Okay.”

Hanbin dropped his head to rest on Bobby’s shoulder. Bobby put his arm around Hanbin’s back and held him.

“Hey,” Bobby remembered, “who’s the other person you liked in YG, when we were playing Never Have I Ever?”

Hanbin giggled. “Jiyong hyung, but Hayi is not the other person. I didn’t answer her name. I just asked what you thought of her.”

_Sneaky_ – Bobby’s mouth turned upward in a grin. “So who was the other person?”

Hanbin gave his thigh a light punch. “Take a guess, dummy.”

Bobby, eyes shut and grin complacent, asked, “Tablo hyung?”

Hanbin deadpanned, “Wow, on your first try, too…”

Bobby laughed, jerking Hanbin around as he did so. He felt Hanbin start to laugh against him.

“It was _you_ , stupid,” Hanbin said, and Bobby was glad that Hanbin admitted it. “I wasn’t sure at the time, but I was drunk, so I just said it anyway. I guess some part of me knew.”

Bobby felt the same – he thought a part of him had known for a long time.

The two settled down against each other to relax. The park was obscure, dark, and a good distance from home, and healing in that way. They breathed the late-spring air.

-❣-

Hanbin woke up to the sound of knocking on the bedroom door.

He rolled over, kicking the person beside him as he did so. The person beside him muttered something low and guttural. Hanbin would smile if his facial muscles were not so tired. “Mmyeah?” Hanbin called.

“Breakfast time,” Bobby’s manager spoke. “Or, lunch time… whatever, just get up and eat. I’ll be in the kitchen.”

Hanbin cleared his throat and found the strength to smile. Beside him, Bobby sat up and started to stretch.

Hanbin rolled on his back and looked up at him. His heart stuttered, breath caught in his throat. Bobby’s puffy lips and messy hair brought back memories of last night, after they returned from their date together. The blowjobs were great, although Bobby still did not taste any better, and Hanbin doubted he tasted any better either. He was getting used to the flavour, though. He was getting used to all aspects of Bobby.

Bobby stretched to one side, then the other, facing Hanbin. “Morning.”

Hanbin smiled up at him and said, “Good morning. Should we tell our managers to stop breaking into our dorm?”

Bobby laughed. “At least they won’t come into the bedrooms anymore. I think we startled them last time.”

Hanbin giggled and agreed. As much as he wanted to just lie there and be carefree with Bobby for a little while longer, he also wanted some breakfast. Maybe their manager was there because he was going to make something. Maybe he even brought something. These possibilities were too promising for Hanbin to laze the day away. With an agonized groan, he rolled out of bed and stretched his back. On the bed, Bobby was performing a cat stretch. Hanbin took the time to admire the view and absently thought he would have to get on that ass soon.

Hanbin waddled into the bathroom, used the toilet, and Bobby soon followed. They completed their morning routine together, bumping into each other at the counter. Bobby gave him a wide, toothpaste-foamy smile. Hanbin kissed his cheek. Hanbin had missed this level of domesticity so much, and now he had it back with someone to actually _like-like_ him. Things do get better. They then walked out to the kitchen together for food.

“Finally, you decided to join us,” Bobby’s manager said. Hanbin’s manager hyung had arrived as well, and was eating with the other. “Our lunch break doesn’t last forever, you know. We brought soup.”

The boys thanked their managers and sat at the table, bowls already set out for them. Hanbin remembered in that moment that this used to be Bobby’s manager’s dorm room too; he probably still knew where the bowls and cutlery were kept. Huh. Hanbin had an eerie feeling of being unwelcome in his own home for a moment, and the fact that he thought of this place as ‘home’ now was eerie in itself, but Bobby’s manager seemed perfectly content. He sent Bobby and Hanbin a smile, and Hanbin felt content as well. Hanbin ate his food in peace.

Then his manager hyung said, “We thought you could use a good tasting meal, since I assume you two do the cooking.”

Bobby giggled and sent Manager Hyung a sour face, but it was all playful. Hanbin acknowledged the criticism, smiling down at his food. “Thank you, hyungs,” Hanbin said.

“Of course,” Bobby’s manager said. “Today is the day, after all. You need to be satiated so you can work.”

“Actually,” Hanbin said, “we already submitted the demos.”

A look of surprise crossed both managers’ faces. “Oh?” Manager Hyung spoke. “Yang Hyunsuk Hoejangnim called both of us and asked us to check on you to make sure you’re not too stressed.”

Bobby raised an eyebrow. “When?”

“Just an hour ago,” Manager Hyung replied. “He did not confirm he received the demos.”

“What?” Hanbin’s heart jumped like rabbit.

“Hey, hey,” Bobby immediately put his hand out to calm Hanbin down. “Let’s just call him and see what this is about. Maybe he’s just not in his office yet.”

“It’s 12:10pm on a Friday, Jiwon,” Hanbin said.

Bobby gave him a hopeful look. “Maybe he took the day off for TGIF?”

They called YG. He said he received 7 of the 8 demos for the mini album. Hanbin had to keep his mouth shut and let Bobby do the talking to avoid screaming directly at his boss. At the end of the call, Hanbin felt nauseous. Bobby helped him sit down. Hanbin batted Bobby’s hands away.

“I’m sure there’s an explanation,” Bobby’s manager said. “Bobby, you sent the files right?”

Bobby ran a hand through his hair. “I thought I did.”

“Maybe you just forgot to attach one,” he continued. “Maybe it just never made it to YG. Just go to the studio and send it now.”

Robotically, Hanbin nodded. The nausea was still there, but his mind was blank, and the rest of his body was numb. Their managers offered to join, but Bobby said it would be okay. Together, they walked to the studio.

Hanbin logged into his computer and checked through the files. He then double checked, triple checked. He hoped he was fucking hallucinating this.

“Bobby,” he spoke, monotonous and empty, “there are only seven tracks here.”

“No,” Bobby said. He pushed past Hanbin to see that for himself. Hanbin waited. Bobby slowly pulled away from the screen. “Oh my god,” his voice rose in pitch, panicked. “I – I think I deleted it.”

Hanbin logged onto their subunit’s email, checked the sent folder… and sure enough, only seven attachments were sent. There were only seven tracks. The eighth track was gone.

“Bobby,” Hanbin spoke lowly. He could not muster up any energy in his tone. “You deleted the track.”

Bobby had his hands in fists, arms held close to his chest as if protecting his heart. His expression was absolutely petrified. “I – I don’t – I don’t know how…” he tripped over his words, “I m-must have deleted it when I was… t-trying to attach it…”

Words rolled off Hanbin’s tongue easily, heavy like metal, like bullet shells. “How… the fuck… did you do that?”

Bobby ran his hands through his hair. “I – I don’t know! I… I guess I was excited last night, I was so excited to ask you out, and – and I sent the files individually to avoid losing any…” Bobby tugged on his hair. “No, no… I didn’t even n-notice one was gone, I swear, I swear I attached it…”

Hanbin checked the computer’s recycle bin, but the song was not there either. It was empty. “Bobby…”

“I emptied the trash to free up space,” Bobby said, “because you had it full of all your trashed work. I thought this was – I thought this was a new start, I was so—”

“Stupid,” Hanbin interjected. “You were so fucking _stupid_.”

“I thought you would like it,” Bobby said, and he sounded dangerously close to tears. “I thought it would clear your mind. I just wanted to clear your mind, that’s w-why I sent the songs…”

“It’s gone,” Hanbin said, accepted it. “The song is gone. My song is gone.”

“I’m so sorry, Hanbin,” Bobby said, voice shaking. “Oh what to do, what to do…” he hid his face behind his arms, fingers locked in his hair.

Hanbin’s song was gone. Bobby deleted Hanbin’s song. He snapped. “You did this.”

“I’m so sorry, Han—”

“ _No,_ ” Hanbin sharply cut him off, seething. “You did this. You did this to me.”

Bobby slightly raised his head. “What?”

Hanbin yelled, “You did this on _purpose!_ ” He gesticulated wildly, thrashed his arms at nothing. “You deleted my fucking track _!_ ”

Bobby backed up, eyes wide and watery. “H – Hanbin! It’s still there, it’s just – it’s the rough version!” he gestured urgently to the computer. “It’s just, it’s not complete, but it’s – just _look_ , Hanbin, it’s still _there **!**_ ”

Hanbin was not listening to Bobby’s bullshit right now. He would not be able to hear him over the sound of his own heart pounding in his ears anyway. Everything in him crashed and crumbled down all at once – his anxiety, his insecurity, his trust issues, his self-loathing, all the pain and fear and endlessly pent up stress exploded and destroyed his composure, and he fell to ruins.

“I never should have trusted you!” he screamed on. “I should have never let my fucking guard down! _You **did** this!_ ” His voice was high and loud, and he was screaming, just screaming everything on his mind, and getting dizzy from the blood in his head and cheeks, reddening his skin. He pushed the spinning chair and crashed it into the other, plastic to plastic. “You fucking did this to me on **_purpose_** you _bastard!_ ”

Hanbin was sure Bobby was trying to speak through his tears, but Hanbin was not having it. He made a mistake listening to Bobby once.

“ _Fuck you!_ ” Hanbin screamed. “I hate you! I hate you!” Hanbin dropped into the chair, head in his hands. “ ** _I hate you!_** ”

Someone pounded on the studio door. “Holy shit, Hanbin, are you okay?” Donghyuk’s voice was heard. He jiggled the doorknob, but it was locked. He knocked again. “Guys, are you both in there?” Yunhyeong’s voice was heard now. “Open the door!”

Hanbin heard the sound of Bobby letting out a sob, a sniffle, and then he was unlocking the door and pulling it open. “Bobby,” Yunhyeong started, “What— _Bobby!_ ”

Hanbin assumed Bobby had pushed past them and left. The two ran into the room, and Donghyuk immediately dropped in front of Hanbin to talk to him. “Hanbin hyung, what the hell is going on? We came to check on the album and we could hear you through the door.”

“Hanbin…” Yunhyeong rubbed his shoulder. “You two had a fight? It’s okay, Bin…”

Hanbin growled, “Leave me alone.” He had a lot of work to do.

Donghyuk tried to push for more information, but luckily, Yunhyeong knew when to quit. With one final rub placed on Hanbin’s shoulder, Yunhyeong collected a frantic Donghyuk and pulled him out of the studio, shutting the door behind them.

On autopilot, Hanbin checked his file folder. The skeleton of the song was still there, in pieces and unedited. Only the final draft had been deleted. Eleven hours until his deadline – Hanbin got to work.

-❣-

The song turned out bad. Hanbin was too stressed and tired to properly edit it, Bobby needed to rerecord his verse, and he just lost all motivation at the six hour mark, it was just too tedious to go through all the painstaking care and anxiety a second time over. He had a panic attack at around hour seven. Hanbin submitted the song before the deadline, but he felt like he had failed. It was standard for Hanbin to put his best work into even his demos. Bobby knew that too.

Hanbin’s rage had reappeared in bouts throughout the whole recording session. Now he was just too tired to feel. It was 12:30am and all Hanbin wanted was to go to bed and sleep the day away.

When he entered the dorm, he saw his manager on the couch watching a show. “Hanbin,” Manager Hyung greeted. He stood and turned the television off.

“Hyung,” Hanbin greeted. “What are you doing here?”

Manager Hyung approached Hanbin, cautiously. He said, “I’m going to be sleeping here tonight, in Bobby’s bed. Bobby is staying with his manager.”

Hanbin gave a humourless laugh. “What do you think I’m going to do? Kill him in his sleep?” That would be ridiculous – they were contractually bound to peace, and homicide would certainly breach that condition.

“It was Bobby’s decision.”

Hanbin’s heart felt like burnt charcoal – ashen, but having done exactly what it was made to do.

Manager Hyung held open his arms. “I am so sorry, Hanbin. You did well today. I am so proud of you. If you told him about this, YG Hoejangnim would be so proud too.”

Hanbin finally let himself break down in tears. His manager caught him from falling and hugged him steady.

-❣-

Hanbin skipped a proper breakfast the next morning, but Manager Hyung forced him to drink some tea and practically shoved a single wedge of orange down his throat. Hanbin expressed that he feared his manager was taking the YG Family thing a bit too seriously; Manager Hyung was not his mother and Hanbin did not need to be fed like a baby. Manager Hyung responded by completely ignoring his words and attempting to feed him more orange wedges, so Hanbin quickly grabbed a mask from his room and ran out of the dorm for freedom. He had somewhere to be anyway.

Hanbin knocked on the door to the managers’ dorm. Bobby’s manager answered, and Hanbin asked for Bobby. His manager said that Bobby had already left to be at the YG studio. Hanbin thanked him and set off.

He found Bobby in the boy’s studio, probably working on his solo album. Hanbin could see through the glass on the door that Bobby was sitting on his couch, leaning over his notebook, pen in hand. Hanbin knocked and startled him. He almost smiled at Bobby’s deer-like eyes, wide and frozen in fear. After a moment, Bobby looked down, and made a gesture with his head to beckon Hanbin inside.

Hanbin entered and walked over to the couch. He did not waste a second on hesitation; he had to do this before he backed out. He could not let his pride get the best of him here. He was wrong, it killed him but he was wrong, and he had to make things right, for everyone’s sake. He _had to_. He sat down.

Without preamble, Hanbin said, “I was wrong.”

Eyes still wide, Bobby looked over at him. He sniffled. Up close, Hanbin noticed how tired his skin looked, how red his eyes were. “What?”

“What I said to you yesterday was wrong,” Hanbin said. He clasped his hands on his lap. “I accused you of sabotaging me on purpose, but now that I think about it… that would also be sabotaging you, because it’s your song too. You could not even rerecord your verse to put over the track. You have the lyrics for that. I only had the outline for the song, which you could have deleted if you wanted to.”

Bobby stayed quiet next to him for the span of a long pause. Then, he mumbled, “Hanbin…” but did not continue the thought, if he ever intended to say anything more.

Hanbin said, “I made a mistake.” _Not good enough, Hanbin._ “I’m sorry.”

Beside him, he heard Bobby sniffle, and it was harsher than usual, breathing jerkier. Hanbin looked over, and he saw Bobby’s eyes well up with tears.

“Hey,” Hanbin whispered, and put a hand on Bobby’s neck. “Don’t cry. We’ll fix the track later.”

“I don’t care about the track,” Bobby mumbled, lips quivering. “I do, but I’m sorry to _you_. I realized what happened. I didn’t delete the track while I was sending it, I deleted it after I edited it. I got lost in your folders and I deleted the wrong version. I get really romantic and shit after midnight and I wasn’t thinking clearly. I get tired and uninhibited and just do shit that I shouldn’t. I shouldn’t have messed with your stuff. I’m sorry I deleted your song. I’m just really, really sorry, Hanbin…”

“Hey…” Hanbin wrapped an arm around Bobby’s shoulders and pulled him in close. Bobby dropped his head on Hanbin’s chest. “It’s okay, hyung. I put the song back together. Everything will be okay.”

Bobby made a noise that Hanbin thought might be a laugh. “God, you called me ‘hyung’ again,” he sobbed out. “I was dying, Hanbin, I thought you would never forgive me…”

“ _Shh,_ ” Hanbin said. “How could I not forgive you? I just lost my mind for a little while. I was too stressed out and I just snapped.”

“I know,” Bobby whispered. “I just thought you really hated me again…” He laughed again, sniffled. “It broke my heart.”

Hanbin wrapped his other arm around Bobby and embraced him. Bobby embraced Hanbin in return. “Of course not…” Hanbin said, and as he spoke, he tried to be invested, tried to feel like one entity and not a body with a soul that spoke for his heart. He was hearing this out loud for the first time just like Bobby was. “I don’t hate you.”

“I don’t hate you…” Bobby echoed. He hugged Hanbin tighter. “I don’t hate you.”

Hanbin gently stroked Bobby’s head, from his hair and down the side of his cheek to his neck, over and over, even after the tears stopped and Bobby’s breathing evened out. Bobby let him.

-❣-

Hanbin decided to hang around with Bobby after they made up. He offered his input on Bobby’s solo album, and Bobby appreciated that. Hanbin was a very talented composer, and since this album featured pop and r&b songs as well as hip hop, Bobby thought he could use some pointers from someone who knew what they were doing. He was never working alone, of course, but it was always nice to have another professional opinion.

Hanbin listened intently to his music, and it made Bobby extremely nervous at the same time it made his heart soar with pride. He never would have expected Hanbin to be so invested in his work, and it was satisfying, but not even in a wicked way. It scared Bobby when he thought of how far they had come. It made him wonder how much in his life he had unintentionally fucked up, how many people or opportunities he had lost… how many times Jinhwan was right. That last thought gave him chills.

Hanbin commented, “It’s really good. Your Korean is better now. You need to go softer on the bridge for this, though, and you need to make the drum quieter in the chorus so we can follow the synth. It makes it sound more carefree.”

Bobby quickly took a note on that in his computer’s notepad. He thanked Hanbin for his input. Hanbin told Bobby that it was his pleasure, and Bobby felt a wave of contentedness ripple through him. He gave Hanbin a beaming smile. Hanbin in return gave him a shy one and loosely held Bobby’s hand, resting it on his open palm. He was so beyond elated that Hanbin forgave him.

The warmth heated Bobby’s whole body until a realization made him run cold. Hanbin never said that he forgave him. Bobby’s smile fell.

Hanbin noticed. “What’s wrong, hyung?”

Bobby sniffled, swallowed. He said, “You don’t forgive me.”

Hanbin slowly pulled his hand away. Bobby looked up to meet his eyes, and there was a distant look in them, plain and devoid of light. Hanbin focused on an object sat beside Bobby. “What are you saying?”

“You don’t forgive me because you don’t feel like I deserve it,” Bobby closed his hand in an attempt to trap the warmth that had been placed in his palm, “because you don’t trust me. You never would have yelled at me if you trusted me… you would have known I made a mistake.”

“Jiwon hyung…”

“You only apologized because you like me, right?” Bobby asked, voice soft and sad. Hanbin said nothing. “You didn’t apologize for not trusting me. You apologized for hurting me. You don’t trust me, like, _really_ trust me, you just like me. You just don’t want to sleep alone...”

In his mind, Bobby begged Hanbin to deny it. Hanbin still said nothing. Bobby felt that in his heart.

Of course Hanbin was not sorry for a lack of trust. They – or maybe just Bobby – had been expecting things to move faster than they could. _Of course_ they could not recover from four years of animosity in one month. He had been lost in a heady honeymoon phase of their relationship, and now Bobby was hit with the reality of their situation. Hanbin should not have reacted that way. The trust they had built together so far was a bowl of fine china – they were just _waiting_ for it to break. A clean slate was not solid enough. He could not, however, be upset with Hanbin for that. This was both their faults. In fact, if their roles were reversed, Bobby feared he would have reacted the same way.

“I’m trying,” Hanbin said. He sounded guarded, restrained. He looked down at his hands. “I’m just so used to only having myself, I don’t know how to trust anyone.”

“You don’t trust _anyone?_ ” Bobby asked. “What about Healing? They’re your best friends.”

Hanbin shrugged. “They’ve left me before.”

It was unfair of Bobby to feel angry, he knew that, because Hanbin was the victim of his own mind in this situation, but he still felt a fire lick at his heart in his friends’ defense. He exhaled a shaky breath, tried to keep his feelings under control. “They debuted. They were _put_ in that group. That was not their fault. _You_ left **_them._** ”

Hanbin was quiet for a moment. Then he responded, “I know what I did. But I know what they did too. I left to be a composer and they left to be vocalists. The trust we had together fell apart when we separated.”

“Hanbin…”

“I’m not mad at them,” Hanbin said. “Really, I’m not. I know what had to happen. I know we could not fight the CEO’s decision. I know all of that. But it still happened. We fell apart and had to build a new relationship together after that. But they are still living without me, and I am still living alone. Whatever we used to do together, they do with each other now, and I’m no longer a part of it.” Hanbin quickly amended, “I _was_ living alone, and then… you.”

Bobby felt a lump rise in his throat. Oh Hanbin. The kid would get hurt, hide himself away, and then blame others for abandoning him.

Bobby asked, “You know you’re not alone, right?” but he assumed he knew the answer already.

Hanbin just looked down at his hands.

Bobby pressed, “You know that, right?”

Hanbin croaked out, “No.”

His assumption was correct. In that moment, Bobby realized that Hanbin needed an immense amount of love, more than Bobby ever thought he did. Hanbin sought it out in others, in his friends, but those friends were not always available to him. Being a soloist, it must have been difficult for Hanbin to obtain as much love as he needed in his heart. It sucked he was not put in a group – it made him colder, less open, because naturally, he started to _feel_ his aloneness. Bobby knew very well how that shit can affect you. They would have to work on that.

“You have me,” Bobby said. “And I promise that you have Healing, too. It doesn’t matter that you’re not in their group. You’re their friend.”

Hanbin said, “You didn’t mean to delete my track.”

Bobby said, “I didn’t mean to. I really, really did not mean to.”

Hanbin nodded. “I know. I believe you.”

Bobby sniffled, swallowed. “So what does that mean for us?”

After a breath, Hanbin said, “That means it’s a start.”

Bobby felt like this was the ‘ _start of something beautiful_ ’ thing that people talk about in English. He smiled. Hanbin did not smile back, but at least he met Bobby’s eyes. Hanbin’s eyes were clear and shining. The trust would come eventually. They had time to work on it.

They would start again from here.

Bobby asked, “Wanna go to your studio and make out?”

Hanbin barked out a laugh. “Why not here?”

“I don’t have anything to cover the door window with.”

Hanbin laughed again, then stood up. “ _Fuck yes_ I want to, hurry up, I thought this soap opera would never end...”

He pulled a laughing Bobby along by their joined hands.

-❣-

When they opened the door to their dorm, Hanbin’s manager was already yelling at them.

“HANBIN,” he shouted while walking into the foyer, “COME HERE RIGHT NOW AND EAT THIS— oh, Bobby is here. Hello, Bobby.”

Bobby waved. Hanbin’s manager waved an orange. Hanbin said, “I already ate.”

His manager started off for the kitchen, now disinterested and eating the orange himself. “Oh, what did you eat?”

“Bibimbap and Jiwon hyung’s face.”

Bobby could not hold back his sudden burst of laughter. He quickly shut himself up.

“What?”

“Bibimbap with Jiwon hyung.”

“Oh, good,” his manager said. “You guys made up?”

“Yup,” Hanbin confirmed, and in English, he said, “and made _out_.”

**_God,_** _Hanbin_ , Bobby struggled to hold in his laughter, and he hid his face in his hand. Luckily, Hanbin’s manager was still disinterested, and simply congratulated them on working things out. He went into the kitchen, mumbling numbers to himself (maybe dates or prices?) and Hanbin heard the sound of the coffee maker being used. So that went smoothly.

Bobby turned to him. “Hanbin,” he scolded, but could not stop smiling. “Be careful what you say to him.”

“To my manager?” Hanbin asked curiously. “Don’t worry about him. He’s so busy now that our release date is coming up, we could probably tell him we had sex in studio 5 and he wouldn’t—”

“You what?”

Bobby and Hanbin turned to the source of the voice. Hanbin’s manger stood in front of them with a cup of coffee in his hands and a shocked expression on his face. Bobby swallowed dryly and hung his head, looking at the man under his eyelashes. God damn it, Hanbin.

Hanbin stumbled over his words, “I – I just meant… I was exaggerating, I was trying to say, that… you wouldn’t notice if we did.”

Silence.

Hanbin concluded, “It was a joke.”

Hanbin’s manager sighed and started to walk in the direction of Bobby’s room. “You kids are seriously too much…” and then he was gone. Bobby figured he was going to collect his stuff and head back to his dorm since it was going on 6pm.

Maybe… he was a little _too_ disinterested.

Bobby raised an eyebrow. “You think he meant something by that?”

Hanbin bit his lip. “I’m not going to ask yet.” They could keep this to themselves a little while longer.

They just stared at each other. After a moment, they broke down into cackling laughter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Hanbin panics in the scene with the **drama** , you will know which one. Look for the lines "Everything in him crashed and crumbled down all at once..." and then just a quick mention in the next scene with his manager. It should not affect you (as I also suffer from an anxiety disorder and I was fine writing it, just a little sad), but read that small part at your own discretion. The whole scene is angsty, you will know to be on guard. 
> 
> Fun Facts on this chapter:  
> \- The original title of the angst scene was "*Esteban Julio Ricardo Montoya De La Rosa Ramirez voice* Thees Ees A Deesaster!" And for obvious reasons, it was difficult to edit that scene... because I _knew_.  
>  \- Hanbin's ass is worth $2.30 CAD. Calculate the worth of Hanbin's ass in your own currency and let me know in the comments what it is if you want ~ https://themoneyconverter.com/KRW/CAD.aspx ~  
> \- Those lyrics used are from Today by iKon! I did not mention it in a previous chapter but like, all the love lines referenced are actual iKon lyrics. I used some from Bobby's solo album too. I only write the disses because I need that material.  
> \- The flower scene (and all flowers in the story) is symbolism and connects to Hanbin's hair and array of hair products. They have always been symbols. Have fun with that!! I hope it all makes sense in the final chapter.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Here we are at the end of the story. I wanted to say something here... but I cannot find the words. This story is among the most fulfilling writing experiences I have ever had. It definitely changed and improved me. I cannot part with this universe - I have some extras to include! - but I am sad that the core story has come to a close. I will reply to every comment I get on this story, I really want to hear from you! I have no other way to show my appreciation. Thank you all for reading and interacting. ~
> 
> *smut warning for this chapter! it is really important though so I have to put a spoiler in the end notes if you feel like skipping. it is softcore as always though.

It had been a while since Bobby met up with Yunhyeong. They had been so busy, it became difficult to meet friends.

Bobby and Yunhyeong went out for lunch at a bistro, because Yunhyeong was fancy like that. Bobby was cool with it. He liked sandwiches.

They sat at a table blanketed in a gold tablecloth that matched the colour of the summer air outdoors. Bobby felt at home. He gave Yunhyeong a flat-lipped grin and Yunhyeong laughed at the expression.

“You seem happy,” Yunhyeong said, and his eyes glittered like precious metal.

Bobby nodded and said, “I am.”

“So I take it things are going better with Hanbin?” he said. Bobby tilted his head, still smiling. Yunhyeong laughed, took a bite of his sandwich and said, “Don’t worry, I won’t tell Jinhwan. Your dirty little secret is safe with me.”

Bobby’s heart dropped. Did Yunhyeong know? He and Hanbin had agreed to keep their relationship a secret until they got serious. They really did not want to further complicate things with their friend group.

Bobby asked, “What do you mean?”

Yunhyeong asked, “Is this a test? In that case, I don’t know a secret!”

Bobby laughed and kicked him under the table. “No, I’m serious, what are you talking about?”

“Ah… you know Jinhwan hyung,” Yunhyeong said nonchalantly. “He insisted that you two just needed to talk, and if you tell him you’re friends now, he’s going to want to know if he was right. He might have even bet on it! _Haha_.” He giggled, “You know that hyung!” and took a big bite of his sandwich, stuffing his cheeks and shutting himself up with a smile.

Hm. Maybe he was a little too nonchalant. Bobby sniffled and narrowed his eyes.

Yunhyeong swallowed his food, probably only half-chewed, and hastily said, “Hey, don’t look at me like that! I’m just saying, I won’t tell Jinhwan that you’re friends! You two can subject yourselves to his ‘I told you so’ whenever you’re ready.” Slowly, he added, “So… _is_ he right? How _did_ you guys become friends?”

This was still suspicious, so Bobby answered tentatively. “We… uh…” they talked, but the talk was prompted by… you know. “It was a few things. I guess we just… we spent a lot of time together, and it just happened.”

Bobby noticed that Yunhyeong was leaning across the table. As soon as Bobby made eye contact with him, Yunhyeong leaned back in his chair. “Oh, well, congratulations! Whatever happened, it’s okay with me!” He laughed. “I’m just happy that you guys are happy, as friends, in a friendship. I knew it would happen. I didn’t know how, though. And I did _not_ have a **_preference_** for how it would happen. Seriously, I’m just glad we’re all friends now.”

As weird and suspicious as he was acting, he was also very obviously telling the truth, because he was glowing, and Bobby was starting to think the glitter in his friend’s eyes were tears. These guys were so creepily invested.

Bobby sighed and said, “Thanks, man.”

Yunhyeong raised his cup of coffee and then chugged half of it. Bobby sighed again and took a sip of his sparkling water. “So, what’s new with Healing?”

“Ah, of course, it’s been so long,” Yunhyeong beamed. “Firstly, wine-making is not as glamourous as it seems.”

Bobby raised his eyebrows. “Does it seem glamourous?”

Yunhyeong’s eyes widened. “Oh. Well then, I guess it depends on the person. Anyway, that’s over. And Donghyuk dances so much these days he needed to go on a sustainable diet, so that’s good! And Junhoe composed a whole song on his own! Everyone is doing well.”

Bobby laughed. He longed to be a part of their group again. He missed the short time in training he had with the Healing guys. Listening to their stories filled his heart with love, with the semblance of a reality with them – not the genuine fruit, but a fruit-flavoured candy to satisfy the craving.

“What about you?” Yunhyeong asked. “How are you doing, personally?”

Bobby sat for a moment to think about it. How was he doing? He was happy, yes, but things in his life were very complicated. Bobby and Hanbin were debuting soon, which meant they would be disbanding soon. Everyone knew it was coming – they were only on a year-long contract. Bobby did not want it to end. He wanted to be in love…

He wanted to _continue_ being in love. He was in love. His heart fluttered and fanned a rush of air out of his windpipe, parting his lips as it escaped. Yunhyeong raised his eyebrows.

Bobby asked, “Bro… can I get your opinion on something?”

Yunhyeong sat up straight and nodded. The two were chingus, but Yunhyeong was still the elder of the two, and he loved getting a chance to be the big brother. It made Bobby feel soft in his chest.

Bobby asked, “How do I keep someone?”

Yunhyeong blinked. “Pardon me?”

“I mean…” Bobby tried to explain, “I have someone new in my life, and I want to keep them around. But we have a lot of history, and complications. Even though we like each other now, I don’t think we can last. It’s going to get harder for us to see each other. He might not want to see me as much in the future. He’s like that, he’s, like… careful. He wants to take things slow. And I think… I think I might feel differently than he does. My feelings are stronger. We got a good thing going; how do I keep that?”

Yunhyeong had this knowing look in his eyes like he understood, and he was heartbroken. Bobby sank lower in his seat.

Yunhyeong said, “You can’t. You both have to want to stay close. If you both want that, then it will happen. You just have to work on your relationship.”

Bobby asked, “But how do I make him want to?”

With a sad half-smile, Yunhyeong said, “You don’t.”

-❣-

The backup dancers were not joining them today. Hanbin just wanted to work with Bobby a little more to make sure he got the choreo. Bobby was not doing _fantastic,_ per se, and debut was right around the corner.

“Baby,” Hanbin said in disbelief, “there’s like, four moves.”

“They’re hard,” Bobby whined. “Show me.”

Hanbin showed him the first move again. Bobby shook his head. “No,” he pouted. He walked over to Hanbin, grabbed his hands and placed them on his hips. “ _Show_ me.”

Oh… Hanbin understood. He moved Bobby slowly, and Bobby followed along, watching the movements in the mirror. Hanbin stepped closer. Bobby closed the gap, back against Hanbin’s chest, fitting their bodies together.

Bobby wrapped Hanbin’s arms around him. “Dance with me.”

Hanbin scoffed and smiled. “You’re needy today.”

“I’m gonna miss you when I visit my family tomorrow.”

“It’s one night.”

“One night too long.”

Hanbin gave a breathy laugh. They continued to sway together. Hanbin spun Bobby around, and they stopped face to face. Their eyes locked.

Bobby asked, “Meet my family?”

There was something about those pretty eyes that drew the agreement right out of Hanbin’s mouth. Bobby kissed the word ‘okay’ off of Hanbin’s lips. Hanbin let him have it.

-❣-

Despite having never met them, Hanbin was no stranger to Bobby’s family, and that made Bobby nervous.

He had called his brother to warn him. He was not strong enough to talk directly to his parents.

“Hey, little bro,” Jiun said, and Bobby could hear the smile in his voice. Ah… he hated to ruin this moment.

“Uh, hey man,” Bobby nervously continued.

“Oh no.”

“No, no,” Bobby immediately jumped in. “Just… I need to talk to you.”

“Talk to me, man. What’s wrong?”

His family had been so worried about the whole thing with Hanbin, despite Bobby’s reassurances. It made him feel loved, but also more stressed. “Uhm… I’m bringing Hanbin over today.”

“Oh fuck no, Jiwon,” Jiun said. “I’m not helping you bury his body.”

“Hyung…”

“Mom only has two sons, Jiwon. What if we both get arrested? Who’s going to take care of our parents in their old age, Jiwon? Your friend Donghyuk?”

“Hyung.”

“Actually, I trust Donghyuk more than us. Sure, I’ll help you out. Cancel your plan and destroy your phone when we’re done talking.”

“He’s not dead, hyung.”

“Thank Jesus. So what’s going on, bro?”

“Uh…” Bobby rubbed the back of his neck. “I’m kind of… me and him, you know… it’s like…”

“Yeah, I know what it’s like.”

“No, hyung… you don’t anymore.”

“What?”

“I’m bringing him over, but… it’s not why you think.”

“Is this a publicity thing?”

“No.”

“You wanna jump him together and tie him up in the basement?”

“What the fuck, hyung?”

“I’m just sayin’, I’m against torture, but a little scare—”

“We’re dating.”

“We are _?_ ”

“Hanbin and I are dating.”

Jiun fell silent. So did Bobby. After a moment, Jiun said, “Oh… oh.”

Bobby sniffled, cleared his throat, swallowed. “Yeah.”

“You’re… you’re fuckin’ serious, aren’t you?”

“Yeah, I’m serious.”

Jiun took another moment of silence, as did Bobby. Then Jiun asked, “You want my blessing?”

“I won’t push for it,” Bobby said. “Can you just tell mom and dad so they don’t freak out when he gets there?”

“Dude! _I’m_ gonna freak out when he gets here.”

“Hyung,” Bobby begged, “we’ll explain together when we get there. Just don’t make him feel weird.”

Jiun let out a long breath. “Fine, I’ll do it for you. Seriously though, Jiwon? After everything that happened?”

“Everything that happened was a stupid mistake. We’ll tell you when we get there.”

Jiun breathed. “Fine, I’ll do what I can. I gotta say though, dating you or not, it’s impressive that he’s brave enough to already meet the big brother. The kid’s got bigger balls than I thought.”

Bobby laughed and said, “Same,” and at that, made a soft choking sound. That did not sound appropriate at all.

Jiun choked as well and coughed. “Nope, no, forget I said that. I don’t want to know anything. I don’t want to know. See you later.”

The call had not eased his nerves.

When they arrived at Bobby’s house that day, Hanbin only stepped in after Bobby was greeted by his family. Hanbin bowed 90 degrees. Bobby’s parents regarded Hanbin awkwardly, probably too aware of the things he had said. Bobby looked to Jiun pleadingly to not make this worse.

Thankfully, Jiun was a good, God-fearing boy like Bobby was. He sighed and said, “Hey, Hanbin, it’s nice to properly meet you. I heard we got some things wrong about you.”

They shook hands, and Hanbin smiled. The evening went okay after that.

The two gave a short summary of the past five months, and Bobby’s parents were open-minded and accepting. Jiun and his fiancée threw in some playful teasing to lighten the mood. Bobby appreciated them all. Eventually, Hanbin felt comfortable enough to lean his head on Bobby’s shoulder, and even hold his hand. Bobby did not miss the fond tilt of his mother’s head when that happened. Bobby smiled, heart full.

“I am very sorry to have caused any pain,” Hanbin apologized to the family.

Jiun and Bobby’s mother smiled. Bobby’s father said, “I think… you two have paid each other back in full. You are forgiven, Hanbin.”

At dinner, everyone held hands – Hanbin with Jiun on his left side, to Bobby’s amusement – and Bobby led the prayer. He said, “Dear Lord, thank you for telling me to love my enemy. Thank you for telling me to forgive. My life is so much fuller with love instead of hate. I am grateful for Hanbin, and for my family, for welcoming him. Thank you for everyone.”

Bobby squeezed Hanbin’s hand on his right side – _everyone, but especially you._

-❣-

That night, Bobby let Hanbin use his bedroom, opting to sleep on the couch. This is what he told his family, anyway (not that Jiun bought it for a second, he even told Bobby to ‘be safe’, as if that was a totally casual goodnight wish).

Bobby tip-toed into the bedroom, closing the door gently behind him. From the bed, Hanbin giggled and said, “Hey.”

Bobby turned on the bedside lamp. Hanbin’s hair was fluffy, his face soft and grey, tired. Bobby’s stomach still felt heavy when he looked at him, now full of butterflies. Hanbin sat upright, leaning his back against a pillow, and patted the bed.

Bobby crawled into bed and noticed that Hanbin was wearing one of Bobby’s extra shirts that he kept at the house, white and worn. He tugged it and let it snap up to reveal a section of Hanbin’s tummy. Hanbin giggled and pushed it back down.

Hanbin opened his arms. “Come here.”

Bobby blinked. “Oh,” he said. “Your lap?”

Hanbin said, “Yes, my lap. I’m always on top of you. Crush me for a change.”

Bobby smiled and ducked his head, sniffled. He hoped his cheeks were not turning pink. Hanbin gasped and asked, “Jiwonie, are you seriously shy right now?”

Burning up, Bobby said, “Ah, of course I’m shy. That’s so… gentle.”

Hanbin gave short laugh. “We’ve done more! I even called you _baby boy_ when we… did it.”

Bobby looked up. Now Hanbin was blushing and looking down. Bobby slapped Hanbin’s shoulder and said, “ _Ah-ha!_ You’re shy too!”

Hanbin giggled again. Bobby wanted to squish him. He did just that, tentatively crawling into Hanbin’s lap to straddle him, and smushed Hanbin’s cute cheeks in the palms of his hands. Hanbin moved his lips like a fish, and Bobby laughed.

“You look like a fish,” he said.

Hanbin inquired, “What kind of fish?”

Bobby laughed again, shoulders shaking from it as he tried to keep the volume low. “A betta fish, the most beautiful kind.”

Hanbin’s cheeks felt warm under Bobby’s hands. He said, “Now we’re both fish.”

“What fish am I?”

“A monkfish.”

Bobby laughed, eyebrows drawing together in emotional pain. “Aish, meanie.” Hanbin encouraged Bobby to be a fish with him, and so Bobby made the ugly monkfish face. _If you’re a fish, I’m a fish,_ or whatever. Hanbin laughed. Bobby laughed too, okay with embarrassing himself if it made Hanbin happy.

“You know what?” Hanbin said, “You’re a betta fish too! Did you know that betta fish will fight each other to the death?” Bobby choked out a laugh. “That’s why they’re in different containers at the pet store.”

“We’re not like that anymore,” Bobby said. “I’m a different fish now.”

“Yes, you are.”

“Which one?”

“A monkfish.”

Resigning to the fact, Bobby laughed and dropped his forehead against Hanbin’s. He turned his head slightly to the side to place a kiss on Hanbin’s squishy fish-lips. Hanbin smiled, or at least that’s what it felt like he was trying to do.

He said, “My face hurts.”

Bobby let his cheeks go. He rubbed his thumbs along Hanbin’s cheekbones softly.

He gasped, “Hanbin!” and slapped the boy’s neck. “Don’t!”

“Don’t what?”

“Don’t have a boner!”

Hanbin laughed and dropped his face against Bobby’s chest. “I’m trying not to.”

“We’re at my parents’ house, you pervert!” Hanbin’s dick twitched. Bobby continued, “Why— Hanbin! No! Bad!” God damn it, Hanbin reacted to that too.

“ _Stop talking you’re making it worse,_ ” Hanbin said in one breath.

To Bobby’s dismay, Hanbin’s situation gave him a situation too. “Hanbin…” he complained, “ _nooo_...”

“I’m sorry,” Hanbin said. “It’s your fault, you brat.”

Well that did it. Bobby grabbed Hanbin’s face again and shoved their lips together, grinding down against him.

When they broke apart, Hanbin gasped, “This has to be a rite of passage, to manhood.”

Breathing hard, Bobby asked, “What, fucking in your parent’s house?” Hanbin nodded. They quickly kissed again, and then Bobby said, “We have to do it when we go to your family home, then.”

“Jiwon,” Hanbin said, disgruntled, “can we not…?”

“Not what?”

“Not talk about meeting my family? We’re not going steady or some shit.”

With a sigh, Bobby said, “Come on, Bin.”

Hanbin demanded, “What?”

“Don’t turn it into that type of thing.”

“What type?!”

“Don’t…” Bobby searched for the words. “Don’t make it weird.”

“You already ruined the mood,” Hanbin pouted.

“You ruined the mood by being you,” Bobby deadpanned. Hanbin shot him a glare in return. This whole scenario felt so uncannily familiar.

Hanbin lowered his hands to squeeze Bobby’s ass. “Shut up.”

There was a forceful quality to Hanbin’s tone – commanding. Something in Bobby shifted.

“Do you remember what happened after that? How we got back on track?” Involuntarily, Bobby let out a small sound. “I called you ‘pretty’. Remember how that felt?”

So this was _quickly_ turning back around. Breathing hindered, Bobby nodded.

Hanbin shook his head, tsked. He pressed his lips against Bobby’s neck. “I was so mean earlier, right?” Bobby nodded. “You’re not ugly. You’re pretty. You’re beautiful.”

Despite himself, Bobby laughed. “Is this dirty talk?”

Hanbin smiled and kissed his neck. “No, that’s sweet talk.” He dragged his lips under Bobby’s ear. “I’m gonna make you come in my lap, baby.” Bobby felt those words in a rush of electricity down his spine. “You’re gonna get it all over me,” he kissed Bobby’s jaw, “and you’re gonna make me come too, with your pretty ass on my cock,” and Bobby rolled his hips against Hanbin’s lap as Hanbin palmed him. “And I’m gonna come for you, because you’re beautiful. It’s all for you.” He smiled against Bobby’s neck, teeth on skin. “That’s dirty talk.”

So Hanbin had worked on that.

“ _Bin,_ ” Bobby whispered, and dropped his forehead to rest against Hanbin’s.

“You’re going to be a good boy for me.” Hanbin held him, possessive. “Right, Jiwonie? You’re my baby boy, right?”

Bobby eagerly nodded. Fuck, he loved being guided. He hated feeling like he was lagging behind, not good enough. He loved having a person who would take control and make sure everything goes well. He was especially nervous here, so having Hanbin lead him took the tension right off his shoulders. He was wrapped around Hanbin’s finger.

Bobby breathed out, “ _Yours._ ”

Hanbin pulled their bodies together, dragging Bobby’s ass against his cock. “Now be good.”

Bobby asked, “Coming on your clothes makes me good?”

Hanbin shrugged. “They’re not my clothes.”

Asshole. Bobby smiled.

Hanbin said, “You have lotion in your nightstand drawer, get it.”

Bobby did not ask how Hanbin knew that. He simply retrieved the lotion and gave it to Hanbin.

Hanbin pulled Bobby’s shorts off, took Bobby’s cock out of his loose boxers. He squeezed lotion into his hand, warmed it up, then wrapped his hand around Bobby’s half-hard cock. Bobby wrapped his arms around Hanbin’s neck and rocked into his hand.

“Fuck, you’re so _good,_ ” Hanbin gasped out. Bobby moaned. Hanbin said, “Kiss me.”

Bobby obeyed. Their lips moved in time with Hanbin’s stroking, in time with the movement of Bobby’s hips. Bobby rocked against him, rubbed his ass over Hanbin’s cock, hard under his sweatpants. It was gentle – they could not get loud or bang the headboard against the wall. It made Bobby feel warm and safe and **_loved._**

Against his mouth, Hanbin whispered, “You’re beautiful. Look how beautiful you are…”

Bobby looked down at Hanbin’s hand, at his own cock, flushed red and hard. He wrapped his hands around Hanbin’s neck, tilted his head upward. “ _It’s yours,_ ” he whispered – _all yours, I’m yours._ And he hoped Hanbin knew that Bobby was bad with words and tried his best. He hoped he could catch his breath someday and actually speak the poetry he scribbled out on paper. Bobby reconnected their lips. Hanbin grabbed Bobby’s hair in his other hand.

Bobby was brought to his climax quickly – his own control was not important tonight. He rocked harder into Hanbin’s hand, and Hanbin’s felt the growing desperation. “Fuck,” Hanbin whispered. He let go of Bobby’s cock. “Come on me, baby.”

“ _Fuck,_ Hanbin…” Bobby grabbed his cock and jerked himself off, eager and fast. Hanbin held Bobby’s face and kissed him hard. Bobby came with a muffled moan.

As he caught his breath, eyes closed, he heard the sound of the lotion snap open and closed. Hanbin jerked himself off in his own pants. “Fuck, Jiwon, you move so well now… I’m already close.”

Bobby was proud. _He_ did this to Hanbin. He pushed Hanbin’s shirt up to grab his bare waist and hold him through his climax, keep him steady and still.

True to his word, Hanbin spilled over the edge seconds later, into his sweatpants.

Bobby did _that_ , and he felt very smug about it. He always knew he could prove himself to Hanbin. His lips twitched up at the corners in a small, subconscious smile. He was good and Hanbin knew he was good. He tugged on Hanbin’s shirt and demanded attention for that.

Languidly, Hanbin pressed his lips against Bobby’s and Bobby kissed him back. He cupped Bobby’s face in his hands – delicate, adoring. They always tried to keep their sex hot and impersonal and, to an extent, they always failed to keep their distance, but this was the closest they had ever gotten. In the fleeting moment their lips parted before reconnecting, Bobby found his breath and whispered, “ _I love you._ ”

And that was not the poetry he intended to vocalize.

Hanbin stopped, and slowly, his lips fell away. Bobby bit his own lips together. Fuck. He hung his head. “You… you should get changed.”

Hanbin nodded. Bobby slipped off his lap, grabbed a tissue to wipe himself properly clean. Hanbin used the soiled clothes to clean himself off, then changed into his own pajamas.

He crawled back into bed and smiled. “Sorry about your shirt.”

Fondly, Bobby smiled back. “You’re an asshole.”

Cautiously, Hanbin said, “ _Your_ asshole, apparently.”

The smile fell slowly off of Bobby’s face. Hanbin rested his head on the headboard and placed a hand on Bobby’s cheek. “Hey,” he said softly. “It’s okay. It’s okay that you feel this way. I’m still figuring this thing out, but… it’s okay that you said that. I’m flattered.”

Thank God. Bobby let out a breath of relief. Hanbin kissed him gently (but surely) before pulling him down under the covers so they could cuddle.

Bobby was the little spoon, and Hanbin awkwardly curled around him. “You’re so bulky.” They still fit together well.

Bobby snorted. “You never complain about that at any other time.”

“Yes, but I’m complaining now.”

Bobby pouted. _Please love me._ “You’re really mean tonight…”

Hanbin giggled. He snuggled Bobby and said, “I know, I’m sorry. You’re really beautiful.” He leaned over and pressed a kiss to Bobby’s cheek.

Bobby smiled, because he was easy, he knew that. He quickly turned to kiss Hanbin’s nose, said, “You’re handsome,” and it was very satisfying to see Hanbin drop his head lower, shy. Bobby turned back around and turned off the light.

Snuggling him, Hanbin whispered, “You’re a goldfish.”

Bobby was a romantic, but he did not have any grand expectations for them. This was romantic enough. He contentedly closed his eyes for sleep.

-❣-

The lights went down on stage to illuminate the MCs. The crowd screamed. The MCs spoke but Bobby was not focused on what they were saying – he could barely see them.

He and Hanbin stood backstage, primping and preening. They would be entering from opposite sides of the stage, so they would part soon. Hanbin fixed the collar of Bobby’s button-up shirt. Hanbin’s jean jacket was supposed to be big on him, but Bobby adjusted it anyway. Hanbin flashed him a beaming smile.

“You nervous?” Bobby asked.

“My heart is beating out of my chest,” Hanbin replied. “But it feels good.”

Bobby placed a hand on Hanbin’s chest. Hanbin placed his hand over Bobby’s. They had to avoid being too obvious about their affection, so Bobby just said, “Good luck,” and dropped his hand. Hanbin’s hand fell with it.

Hanbin nodded and said, “Good luck.”

They were full of anticipation and excitement, but deep down, Bobby could not help but feel sad, too. This would be over soon.

Hanbin’s manager came to collect him along with a few members of the stage crew. Hanbin waved goodbye and walked with the crew to his side of the stage.

They had talked briefly about disbanding and separating. They promised it would not affect their relationship, and promised to keep in touch and meet often. They would still be able to have a relationship as long as they did not hurt the YG family image, and they intended to have a relationship. Still, even through all the reassurances, Bobby knew he would feel the end when it arrived. He and Hanbin had gotten used to living, working, and just existing as partners, and soon Hanbin would just be gone. He wanted to enjoy the time he had left, but this feeling was difficult to completely ignore.

A hand fell to rest on Bobby’s shoulder. His manager hyung smiled down at him, and Bobby smiled back.

“Hey,” Manager Hyung said. “I’m proud of you.”

Bobby blushed and tilted his head downward. “Thanks, hyung.”

“I’m serious,” Manager Hyung said. “You and Hanbin… you two came a really long way. You two did it. And I am so proud of you.”

Bobby looked up, eyes sparkling from the water that had collected. Again, he said, “Thank you, hyung. For everything.”

His Manager Hyung was his rock, and often an actual big brother. It was important to him to make YG proud, but equally as important to make his manager proud. Manager Hyung was family. He and Hanbin really did get through this. They did everyone proud, everyone who mattered. Bobby took a deep breath in, and finally, he allowed himself to feel proud of himself, too.

Bobby and Hanbin did what they had needed to do. After this performance, their subunit truly would be over. Bobby and Hanbin did not have to be over, though. They repaired their relationship with the company, and now they could focus on repairing their relationship with each other. Every end was a new beginning.

Bobby was not sure what that meant for them, but he was ready for it.

The crowd erupted into manic wailing. A crew member and his manager ushered Bobby to his place. Hanbin challenged Bobby, calling him up on stage to battle. Bobby laughed. Their first two verses on this title track were styled as a rap battle – it was their fun little idea to kick off their album.

Hanbin dropped his verse, and then Bobby walked on stage, spitting his retaliation. It had never been this fun before, and Bobby loved it. Hanbin had to hide his smile behind his sleeve.

The battle ended. The spotlight shone down on them. They took turns saying lines of the chorus. When they were done, they stood back to back, letting their heads fall against each others, Bobby’s bleach-blond hair against Hanbin’s natural brown. The name ‘DOUBLE B’ lit up the screen behind them, and the crowd screamed again.

They performed their songs, backup dancers coming on during the second chorus to improve the look of their simple choreography. Bobby and Hanbin interacted a little bit, smiling and winking at each other as they bounced around the stage, and playfully poked each other’s sides. Bobby thought Hanbin absolutely killed it; Bobby hoped he did half as well.

Hanbin was an amazing performer, amazing songwriter, and an amazing guy. Bobby would never again fail to recognize that. His eyes shined as he regarded Hanbin, and Hanbin’s eyes were equally full of admiration when he looked at Bobby.

They ended their performance next to each other, held hands, and bowed.

The lights that had illuminated them went off.

This was the beginning of the end.

-❣-

Hanbin smiled at his phone. He swiped past a picture of Bobby and Hanbyul, Bobby and Obang, Bobby and Hanbin’s mom, Bobby, Hanbin, Hanbyul, and Obang, some more of the family. It had been a really great get-together. Hanbin was glad he came around to the idea.

They were doing this whole relationship thing a lot better than Hanbin thought they would. The two came to realize they were totally compatible in terms of personality and relationship-related desires. They could cope with their dark history without any setbacks, just apologizing when bad memories came up. They could hug or kiss or sex out any sadness. It was like they were a match made in Heaven…

Hanbin’s eyes drifted from his phone screen. He looked at nothing. In that moment Hanbin remembered that he did not even believe in Heaven. He did not believe in God, and if he did, it was not the same one as Bobby’s. No match could be made in Heaven if such a place did not exist.

He supposed it all _was_ too perfect to exist.

Hanbin sat in silence to think. He thought about everything.

He had let himself be wrong, as Jinhwan told him to, and now he had to let himself be right. It hurt just as much.

This was the middle of the end.

-❣-

When he got back to the dorm that afternoon, Hanbin shut the door behind him. It alerted Bobby to his presence, and he bounded in with a smile on his face.

“Hey, beautiful,” he beamed. “How was work?”

They were talking like some married couple now. As much as that warmed Hanbin’s heart, it also shattered it to pieces. They were not a married couple. The delusion had to end here.

Bobby caught the look on Hanbin’s face. “What’s wrong?”

Hanbin stepped forward. He took a deep breath. “We can’t do this.”

The colour drained from Bobby’s face. “What?”

Hanbin tried to swallow the lump in his throat. “We can’t do this. We can’t be together. And don’t interrupt me, because I’m going to tell you why.”

Bobby’s eyes welled up with tears, but he stayed quiet.

Hanbin said, “When you first apologized to me, you said it was because you believe in God. You weren’t even sorry.”

Bobby choked out, “I was. I just needed an excuse to abandon my pride.”

“You needed an excuse,” Hanbin tried to stress his meaning, “to apologize to me. I wasn’t _enough_.” He could not stop the tears from welling up. “Why wasn’t I enough for you, Jiwon?”

Bobby’s lip trembled. “Hanbin…”

“I have a point. Just answer me, Jiwon.”

Slowly, he said, “Because I hated you then. I was stupid.”

“No,” Hanbin said. “You hated me because I hurt you, right?”

It took Bobby a moment, but stiffly, he shrugged then nodded.

Hanbin said, “And that’s okay! It’s good that you hated me! I deserved it! So why do you forgive me now?”

Bobby was silent for a moment. “Because I love you.”

“No,” Hanbin shook his head. “No, you don’t. You forgive me because you believe in God. He told you to, and then that gave you an excuse to like me, and now you think you’re in love with me just because we get along. You rush into things because you’re headstrong and take what you want, and you want to be in love, but you’re not… you’re not in love, Bobby. You can’t be. This happened too fast.”

Bobby had always been the one to make the first move. He must have realized that, now. He did not respond.

Hanbin continued, “You’re a lyricist. You’re a poet. I’ve heard your songs. I know you want to be in love so bad, Bobby, but you’re just _not_. And that’s okay, because I hurt you. You should feel that. You don’t have to be over it just because you like me.”

Bobby asked, “Do you forgive _me_?”

“ _No,_ ” Hanbin said, and it felt like alleviation. He blinked, and two tears fell from his eyes. “I don’t. Not yet. I’m not going to lie to myself and be strong anymore. You _hurt_ me. You insulted me for my father, for my looks, for my depression, for not being good enough, for a bunch of stuff and it all hurt. It was a stupid rivalry, but it still hurt. Thinking you hated me all these years hurt. And then we started to like each other, but it didn’t make the pain go away. You’re nice, but you still hurt me. Being friends doesn’t change that.”

The thing about Bobby and Hanbin’s rivalry was that they had never been a dynamic duo. From the beginning they wanted to either one up each other or tear the other down. It was not simply a rivalry, it was enmity. As intense as diss wars can get, there is a certain leveled playing field, both rappers insulting the other in the moment for weak rhymes or past fuck-ups, but it is still part of the battle, like a game. It is not that deep. What Bobby and Hanbin had was different, in a way that cannot be described, can only be understood. As fun as it was for them, they were never working together, never working to complement the other. It was not a partner dance. It was not meaningless jabs just to hold their own in the ring. They said what they said to hurt each other on a personal level. They wanted the other to _hurt_.

Two more tears fell from Hanbin’s eyes. “You hurt me, and I hurt you.” He took a breath in, let it out. “You want to be in love, and I don’t want to be alone. This isn’t healthy.” Hanbin shook his head. “This isn’t how it should be. We don’t trust each other. We don’t know each other. We need to take a minute to catch our breath. We don’t even realize all the ways we hurt each other because we haven’t reflected on it properly. Starting over doesn’t mean we forgive each other and live happily ever after, you know, that’s just the beginning. We should take a little more time to move on. Like, shit man, we already met each other’s families! We should hurt more if we need to. I need to.”

As wrong as he had been to hurt Bobby, he was never in the wrong for being hurt. Both of these things were true, and both had to be acknowledged. Acknowledging one allowed the other to be ignored, and that was how they had been functioning so well. They were not sustainable like this. Their bowl would always be made of fine china, and the unraveled ribbon did signify letting go, but now they had nothing in place to hold them together. They would not last. They were a tired head and a body too willing to volunteer itself as a pillow, nothing more.

Bobby raised his eyebrows, asked, “Okay?”

Hanbin raised his own eyebrows back, then understood, nodded. “Okay, yeah, that’s all.”

Bobby stepped forward, tears rolling down his cheeks. He smiled weakly and said, “You’re right.”

Hanbin’s eyes widened, vision blurred by tears of his own.

Bobby repeated, “You’re right. I _am_ a poet. I’ve been romanticizing this whole thing because I just want to be in love with somebody.” He swallowed, continued, “I can’t hate you one day and love you the next. I rushed in.” And despite everything, Bobby was still smiling.

Hanbin nodded, looked down. Bobby continued, “I think our problem is that we keep starting in the middle.”

Hanbin looked up at that. “What do you mean?”

“I mean,” Bobby said, “we keep jumping in. We say we’re starting over and then we try to be in a relationship. We keep jumping in right after we start over, but like you said, starting over is just the beginning. We need some time to actually work our way up to the climax…” his eyes narrowed above a cheeky grin.

Despite everything, Hanbin choked out a laugh. That was his Jiwon, making a sex joke even in the roughest of times. Hanbin really could fall in love with him someday.

Bobby gave a weak laugh of his own. “We can’t do this right now, Bin. You’re right.”

Hanbin exhaled a shaky breath. “I was thinking about what happens next.” Bobby nodded. Hanbin continued, “We’ll stop promoting together, and we’ll go back to our old living arrangements. We’ll be solo artists again. And I think it would be better to just… not talk to each other.”

Bobby’s smile fell. “Hanbin… I still want to be your friend.”

“Yeah, but,” Hanbin shook his head with a sad smile of his own, “I can’t look at you without wanting to take you to bed, and I know if I talk to you I’m going to break and ask to see you, and you’re going to break and see me.”

The corner of Bobby’s smile pulled upward.

Hanbin concluded, “We need to move on, and to do that, we need time apart. We’ve been too close. We don’t need to move on from _each other_ , but… move on from the rivalry. We have to move on from how we are now, from this weird in-between. We have to… just… start again as strangers, start fresh. I think the separation will be good for us. We’ll have some time to… you know, process, decide what we want. Decide if this can be a thing or not.”

Bobby looked to the floor. They both knew Hanbin was right.

Bobby said, “We should.”

Hanbin said, “One day, we’ll meet again for the first time. And we’ll start over then.”

Tears falling, Bobby looked up, nodded and agreed. “Yeah, we will. I’m looking forward to it.”

After a breath, Hanbin said, “It’s over now.”

Bobby nodded. “We’re over now.”

With a shaking smile, Hanbin let himself cry as he said, “I’ll miss you.”

Bobby nodded and walked forward. “I’ll miss you.”

Hanbin opened his arms and welcomed Bobby into his embrace. They hugged each other tight.

And then they let go.

This was the end.

-❣-

The separation hurt for a while. Their friends stopped asking about the situation after about two months, and just understood that Bobby and Hanbin had their reasons for needing to be apart. They did not press them to hang out with the group.

As everyone had predicted, the subunit was never intended to last. YG informed both of them of that.

In the months that passed, the two dropped new music as soloists. They listened to each other’s work with a smile and well wishes that they hoped reached each other somehow, good vibes sent out to the cosmos, carried by the energy of Earth. They also asked their friends to deliver the compliments.

Hanbin dropped a mini album that featured Seungyoon of Winner. He was great to work with. He went out with Seungyoon to eat and Winner tagged along, Taehyun included. Hanbin had really missed them.

Bobby filmed a music video in winter and freezed his butt off. He breathed in the icy scent of the air and let it cleanse his lungs. He knew excessive exposure to the cold was probably not a smart idea, because he was perpetually sick, and he should go back to the warmth of the break building, but it felt so good to just _breathe_. It was somehow more invigorating than the summer/fall album had been.

The hot new rivalry in Korea existed between Bobby and ex-friend Jae Min, but Bobby was not actively engaging in it. He barely dropped a rebuttal on Jae Min’s diss track, and the only reason he dropped anything is because he had some _things_ to let Jae Min know. Other than that, though, nah, Bobby was not interested. He would not have another enemy without a good reason. He was not attracted to Jae Min, but Bobby was playing it safe now, and not taking any chances.

At some point in time, YG gave both Bobby and Hanbin permission to delete everything off their SoundClouds and start anew.

Sometimes Bobby would go to the convenience store and see a packaged dessert and wonder why it reminded him of someone. Sometimes Hanbin would be joking around in the studio with a coworker and feel a pang of longing for a laugh he did not quite remember the sound of, the phantom of one.

February rolled in and Jinhwan and Junhoe both gave Hanbin a kiss on Valentine’s Day to make it fair. At a different party, they did the same for Bobby, albeit Bobby and Junhoe had a much harder time with it. Bobby and Hanbin both hoped to have a love like their friends’ someday.

They walked outside in the cold to different stores, different cafés, went to different practice rooms, different friend’s houses. They lived their own lives. They healed. They forgot.

-❣-

On February 21st 2018, Double B’s contract expired. The subunit disbanded. Hanbin felt like a weight was lifted off his shoulders. He hoped Bobby felt the same.

On the 22nd, Hanbin was called to YG’s office for a meeting. He currently sat in the small lounge and waited to be let inside. He did not bother looking at the magazines this time – he just lounged around. He was confident he had not done anything wrong, so maybe it was finally time for something his mother could hang on the fridge. He hoped for the best.

Then Bobby walked in. Hanbin’s heart fluttered. Apparently, Bobby was a memory that was gentle on his mind.

-❣-

Bobby stopped short when he looked up from his phone and saw Hanbin. He smiled. Hanbin smiled back.

Bobby could not help himself. He asked, “What the fuck are you doing here?”

Hanbin giggled. “I got called in here. What are you doing here?”

Bobby said, “I got called in.”

Hanbin scoffed out another laugh. He got out of his seat and walked over to Bobby. “Then it must have been a real mystery why I could be here.”

Bobby bowed. Hanbin bowed back. They shook hands. Bobby could not keep his smile at bay if he tried. Hanbin was funny, and Bobby was a sucker for wit.

As they let go of each other’s hands, Bobby saw Hanbin’s eyes light up, catching sight of something behind him. Bobby turned around and saw Healing bound over.

With an energetic spring in his step and a smile across his cheeks, Donghyuk greeted, “Hey!”

Everyone did bro-handshakes and hugged. Hanbin asked, “What are you guys doing here?”

“We got called in,” Yunhyeong said.

Jinhwan raised his eyebrows. Bobby empathized with that expression. Something was going on here.

Their boss came down to greet them, and everyone greeted him and bowed. He called everyone inside his office.

The couch and two chairs could seat seven people if they squished in close together. Bobby’s heart rate picked up. Although the room was still insubstantial and liminal, he somehow he felt like he belonged. Maybe he simply felt at home with his friends all around him… and Hanbin.

When everyone was seated, YG got the formalities out of the way. Bobby knew he was easing into something big.

Then YG said, “Our company has been deeply considering this arrangement for the past year.”

He elaborated, “Last year, Bobby and Hanbin were put in a subunit as a way to recover the company image, but there was more to it than that. It was also an experiment. We wanted to see if Bobby and Hanbin could get along. We also wanted to see how the fans would respond to Bobby forming a more obvious relationship with Healing.

“The results of this experiment are… astonishing. The company image was recovered. Bobby and Hanbin learned to get along. An overwhelming amount of fans expressed regret for showing resentment to either Bobby or Hanbin, and the two both gained new fans. Fans of Bobby who previously did not support Healing expressed regret for not doing so. The number of fanworks that include pairings with Bobby and a member of Healing increased. Without making this too awkward, I will just say that the same is true of Bobby and Hanbin.

“So here is the end result: We want to put all of you in a seven-member group. I have been saving the name iKon for a special group, and I think that could be you. We will talk to everyone individually, but if it’s alright, I would like to get a sense of how everyone feels about this.”

There was really no way that Bobby could process this. In the moment he just wanted to assure YG he wanted this. In unison, everyone expressed positive reactions, mainly consisting of “Yes!” and “Oh my God!” and “When can I sign the contract?!”

YG laughed. Bobby got chills, but it was alright, he had been colder before.

YG said, “Great. We will start on the contract as soon as possible. Just to give you a warning, the leader of this group will be chosen among you all between Jinhwan and Hanbin.”

“The leader is Hanbin,” Jinhwan said with a small smile. “We have discussed it.”

YG laughed again. “So we are all on the same page?”

Bobby looked over at Hanbin. Hanbin looked back at him. They could still silently communicate and agree. Somehow, Bobby thought he saw the sun come out when Hanbin looked at him, not a cloud in sight.

When they broke eye contact, Hanbin said, “Yes Sir, we are.”

-❣-

The kids practically tripped over each other in the lobby to hug one another. They were absolutely _buzzing_ from the excitement of moving in together that day. Bobby and Hanbin had not talked to each other since that day in YG’s office, but they were excited for that to come too.

They split up into 3 and 4 to get all their stuff into the elevator, but they agreed not to go inside before everyone had arrived. Hanbin, Jinhwan, Junhoe, and Chanwoo got to the dorm first. Bobby, Yunhyeong, and Donghyuk arrived soon after.

Hanbin unlocked the door and pushed it open. Donghyuk ran in front of everyone and shouted, “WAIT!”

Everyone waited. Donghyuk said, “Since this is a new beginning for all of us, I think we should let the new happy couple, Bobby hyung and Junhoe, go through first, together.”

The group hooted and hollered their approval. Of course they were not actually together, but apparently Donghyuk had a therapist complex, and when a friendship needed saving, he was on the job. The others made his job very easy. Bobby and Junhoe immediately looked away from each other and turned pink. Hanbin’s heart felt soft. Bobby just felt embarrassed.

“Come on!” Jinhwan – Junhoe’s boyfriend and resident traitor – urged. “Carry your bride inside the dorm, Junhoe.”

Junhoe looked at Jinhwan with an expression of shock. “I’m not strong enough to carry him!”

After a bit of light nudging from Jinhwan and a pointed look from Yunhyeong, Bobby caved and held his arms out, giggling silently and closing his eyes. Before Junhoe could verbally oppose this, Yunhyeong and Chanwoo picked him up and dropped him into Bobby’s arms. Bobby cursed and stumbled, still laughing. Junhoe clutched onto him for dear life and laughed, spouting hysterical nonsense.

They walked through the threshold of the house together. Everyone cheered. Bobby dropped Junhoe onto the floor by mistake. He collapsed to the ground to check if the boy was okay. Junhoe was still in a fit of hysterical laughter, and he started rolling around the floor. Bobby joined him.

Hanbin urged the two morons to get up so they could go on the room tour. Bobby leapt upright like a bunny and fired passionate curses at all of them. Junhoe caught his breath and leaned on Jinhwan for support.

The room tour went by quickly. The three bedrooms were all a decent size, so it was just first come first served. Yunhyeong and Chanwoo _torpedoed_ into the first room. Donghyuk and Bobby overpowered the remaining group members with their ridiculously fit and physically able bodies to claim the second room. Hanbin got stuck with Jinhwan and Junhoe in the master (apparently he would have to _earn_ his respect as the leader). Hanbin swore he would complain to the managers if they kept him up at night. Junhoe told Hanbin to get earplugs. Hanbin tackled Junhoe onto the bed and Jinhwan did nothing to defuse the altercation. The rest of the group heard the distant sound of a headboard slam against a wall.

They were already one big happy family.

In their room, Donghyuk asked Bobby, “Did that sound come from Jinhwan hyung and Junhoe’s room? _Already?_ ”

Bobby laughed. He told Donghyuk he had something he needed to do. Donghyuk did not question him, and Bobby was grateful to have earned his trust. Donghyuk amicably slapped Bobby’s shoulder on his way out.

Hanbin and Chanwoo went to the kitchen to check for snacks. It was unfortunately not stocked. They would have to fix that.

Hanbin got a text from an unsaved number: **_it’s bobby_**

Hanbin’s lips parted in surprise. They had deleted each other’s numbers some time after they separated to help them avoid temptation. Hanbin added Bobby to his contacts again.

 **Bobby:** got ur number from jinan. hope thats ok

 **Hanbin:** of course, we’re in a group now

 **Bobby** : come to my studio?

 **Hanbin:** r u there??

 **Bobby:** yeah

 **Hanbin:** u left????

 **Bobby:** yeah im decent at sneaking out

Hanbin could not suppress the memory that came up when Bobby said that. They truly had some good times.

 **Hanbin:** omw

“Hey,” Hanbin said to Chanwoo, “I’ll be right back. I just have to go get something.”

Chanwoo looked down at Hanbin’s phone. He looked back up at Hanbin. He casually said, “Yeah, sure. Bring him back here when you get him. We need to decide who’s doing the first grocery store run.”

Hanbin’s jaw dropped. Chanwoo snorted at the expression and said, “Yeah, we know.”

Hanbin shook his head. “It’s not really… it’s not like that, Chanwoo.”

Chanwoo placed a hand on Hanbin’s shoulder. His smile was soft and knowing – a signature Chanwoo expression – and he had this look in his eyes, like he understood. He sounded a little sad, or maybe he was just trying to be gentle, as he repeated, “We know.”

Perhaps Bobby and Hanbin had never been a puzzle to anyone but themselves. Hanbin gave Chanwoo an appreciative nod and left the dorm.

He knocked on the door to Bobby’s studio, and Bobby let him inside. Bobby walked to the center of the room, and so did Hanbin. They left some space in between them.

“Hey,” Bobby greeted.

Hanbin laughed, because all of this was a lot to process, and he just did not know how to control his amazement. He was back in Bobby’s studio, but the situation was so different that it felt like a different room. Hanbin was probably just a different person. “Hey.”

It was so weird to be back here, Bobby thought, as two different people. Hanbin was Hanbin and yet he was not. They had a lot to learn about each other. “So… this is happening.”

Hanbin empathized. “Yeah, it really is.”

A laugh tumbled out of Bobby’s throat. He figured he and Hanbin were in the same boat, unable to control their feelings. “How are you doing?”

“I’m good,” Hanbin said, and he meant it. “How have you been doing?”

“Good,” Bobby replied. He meant it. A lot had happened in the time they lost feelings for each other. Not all of them, of course, but feelings were certainly lost. Bobby felt lighter.

Hanbin smiled. “That’s good to hear.” He figured it did not need to be explicitly admitted that they had both done some healing.

Bobby said, “So, uhm... this feels like a start, right?”

“I think it is,” Hanbin agreed. “I don’t think we’ll get a better start than this.”

Bobby giggled airily. He loved this carefree feeling – he had never had it with Hanbin before. There was no more in-between. Something was complete.

“So, uh, you want to get lunch?” He threw up his hands as a peace offering. “Just as friends.”

“Of course just as friends,” Hanbin assured. They had ways to go. “I want to.”

Bobby nodded and said, “Cool.”

For a moment, the two just smiled at each other, then they both broke into awkward giggles. “This is going to take a while,” Hanbin commented.

“Good,” Bobby said.

Hanbin’s heart was warm and light. “So, uhm….” He fumbled a little with his hands.

Bobby did the same. He offered out his arms. “Uh, friends can hug, right?”

“Of course they can!” Hanbin assured. “I hug my friends all the time. I really like skinship.”

“Sure,” Bobby casually tilted his head. He did not make a move to step forward, so Hanbin hesitated. Shyly, Bobby added, “Are you sure this is okay?”

Hanbin said, “Actually, it’s the weirdest feeling. I like you, but I don’t even want to take you to bed.”

So Hanbin was as different as Bobby was now. Bobby smiled brightly. “Should I take that as an insult?”

“No,” Hanbin assured. “This is a good thing.” Hanbin was sure it meant that everything would be okay.

Bobby believed him. He believed they had a fighting chance, anyway. He opened his arms again and stepped forward. Hanbin accepted the embrace and hugged back.

Hanbin said, “I’m sorry.”

Bobby said, “I’m sorry.”

They would forgive each other. They would get it right this time around. Hanbin laughed into Bobby’s shoulder, because Bobby’s natural brown hair smelled like something out of Yunhyeong’s emergency cabinet. Bobby fondly thought that Hanbin’s hair smelled like flowers today.

This was the beginning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *OKAY THIS IS A SPOILER FOR THE SMUT SCENE STOP READING IF YOU DO NOT WANT TO KNOW AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Bobby says 'I love you'.
> 
> Take care, everyone. xo


	9. extra 1: jealousy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For some reason, Bobby felt that hot, uncomfortable fire again, the oxidized flame.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *ikon voice* weLCOME BAAACK  
> your fave boys are back in town and problematic as ever. hope you like!
> 
> -Also, I just want to say that wow I really miss you guys?? How is it like this?? I knew I appreciated you, but I did not realize just how much until the fic came to an end. I really miss you and I hope you guys are all doing well. It's good to be back!
> 
> \- Story takes place from chapters from chapters 3-6. You will probably notice that things sound familiar, and that is because it is literally the same story, just mostly in the opposite POV. One part with Bob is the same I think? And I only added a few new things to elaborate on scenes. I am really happy with this because I so wanted to include this much detail in the actual fic but it just did not fit. Here it is! 
> 
> \- Some smut takes place and it is exactly where you think it is, not subtle, just like in the fic. It ends at the page break (❣).
> 
> \- Also I hope I made it obvious enough with my invite to comment, but you absolutely can ask questions about the story! I might write an extra to answer, but I will definitely answer in the comments. Some people have been curious about scenes/relationships/hints and I am happy to elaborate (:
> 
> \- Sources of Jealous!Bobby and Possessive!Bobby because its arguably hilarious:  
> 1\. http://ikonis.tumblr.com/post/161468357027  
> 2\. http://charismatic-kimbab.tumblr.com/post/157827439321/possessive-boyfriends-w  
> 3\. http://lisatie.tumblr.com/post/137291164303/dumbdumber  
> 4\. http://charismatic-kimbab.tumblr.com/post/157995185111/hanbin-trying-and-succeeding-to-get-bobby-jealous  
> 5\. http://ikonis.tumblr.com/post/153176806797/that-time-bobby-was-jealous-of-a-fan  
> 6\. http://ikon-global.tumblr.com/post/135175126152/bi-bobby-sbs-running-man-sbs  
> 7\. http://charismatic-kimbab.tumblr.com/post/154544210841/even-in-the-middle-of-a-competition  
> 8\. http://charismatic-kimbab.tumblr.com/post/153905160946  
> 9\. http://charismatic-kimbab.tumblr.com/post/152561452256/maybe-bobby-did-not-think-junbin-was-as-cute-as-we  
> 10\. http://charismatic-kimbab.tumblr.com/post/153808745261/bobby-hanbins-shoulder-bonus

The thump on the door caused Bobby to jolt in his seat, startled. He heard giggling, heard Junhoe’s shrill voice, and then, silence. Murmured voices slowly rose in volume, and soon Bobby could hear the conversation again, Hanbin and Junhoe joking around.

Something ignited in Bobby’s stomach, sparkling at the metal fuel, lit but not on fire yet. He was confused by the meaning of it, but he knew he did not like it.

Hanbin stumbled in through the door, lazy in demeanor but somewhat sad in expression. Hanbin caught his eyes. Bobby licked ice cream off his spoon and returned his attention to the screen. He was not sure which of them felt more like they had been figured out – Bobby did not know if he was the violator or felt violated.

Hanbin giggled. It surged through Bobby. Maybe it was the sugar rush from the ice cream – he really should calm down on it, but he knew he would be put on a diet soon enough, and he just could not bring himself to squander what could be among his last moments to treat himself. He returned his attention to Hanbin like a visceral reaction.

Hanbin caught him staring again, asked, “What?”

Bobby looked away again. “Nothing.”

Hanbin laughed – Bobby looked again – and then shook his head. “That was Junhoe.”

For some reason, Bobby felt that hot, uncomfortable fire again, the oxidized flame. Why did this bother him so much? Hanbin and Junhoe were just playing, they were just friends…

A surge of heat licked his stomach. Fuck, what was going on?

Bobby blinked. “Yeah, I know.”

Hanbin seemed to be having a lot of fun with Junhoe… a lot of rough fun. Bobby was confused until he remembered Jinhwan, and now that he had an excuse to feel angry, he felt _angry_. He was violated, on his friend’s behalf anyway. How could they?

 _Easy does it,_ he told himself. No, they could never…

It was easier to let it go.

-❣-

Jinhwan was furious. He scolded Bobby for fighting with Hanbin, scolded him for being stupid, scolded him for being thoughtless and heartless and putting all of their reputations in danger. Bobby took it because he deserved it, this was partially his fault, but he still shook from the anger he felt being put in this situation. He did not ask for it, for any of it, not the subunit or the fight or Hanbin to be in his life at all. Hanbin should never have said anything. This was all Hanbin’s fault.

Jinhwan informed Bobby that he would be a part of the group outing on Monday. Bobby had no choice but to accept that. Jinhwan left, told Chanwoo to follow. Bobby sat with his head down.

After a moment, he heard, “It’s going to be okay, Bobby hyung.”

Bobby looked up. Chanwoo was looking down at him, features soft. He did not look mad at all. He also did not clarify what ‘ _it_ ’ meant, how much it encapsulated.

Bobby said, “Thanks, Chanu-yah.”

Chanwoo opened his arms, but Bobby respectfully declined. Chanwoo ran to catch up with Jinhwan.

Bobby made it back to the dorm first. Hanbin was a catalyst. Bobby’s heart sparked and he went off as soon as the boy walked in.

He asked, “You told Junhoe?”

And this had to be about Hanbin and Junhoe, right? Bobby was so fucking **_angry_** and there _must have_ been a reason why. He could get over the scolding and the dumb get-together, he could take the punishment. He was not _that_ pathetic. There was something deeply upsetting about Hanbin and Junhoe’s relationship, and the moment Jinhwan said, ‘Hanbin told Junhoe about the fight’, Bobby’s suspicions had solidified into a tangible idea. The two were _close._

“Yes,” Hanbin said, “but he wasn’t going to tell anyone. I told him to.”

“Wow,” Bobby said, “you really took yourself down with me, that’s how bad you wanted to see me punished for this. I can’t believe it.”

“No, actually,” Hanbin clarified, “Jinhwan told me I caused problems in his relationship, and I wanted to make sure I didn’t create permanent trust issues for them.”

Bobby paused, lips parted in shock. He blinked. “You know about them?”

Hanbin threw up his hands, raised his voice and said, “Of course I know about them! We have the same friends!”

He knew about Junhoe and Jinhwan. Hanbin told Junhoe about the fight and let Junhoe tell Jinhwan. Did Hanbin really care about them? Something about this was just rubbing Bobby the wrong way. He had an idea, he was figuring something out. Hanbin had no fucking right to talk down to him.

“Don’t talk to me like I’m stupid,” Bobby jumped in. “I just didn’t know.”

“You _are_ stupid!” Hanbin countered. “You’re stupid, and ugly, and the fucking worst thing that has ever happened to me.”

Hanbin spoke with his teeth but Bobby would never bleed for him again. He would never again let Hanbin know the strength of his bite. Words could not hurt if Bobby told himself they did not matter.

“I can see the guys really got through to you,” Bobby deadpanned. “You are really trying to get along with me.”

“Shut the fuck up,” Hanbin rolled his eyes. “You’re suddenly into the idea of being nice to me?”

“Fuck no.”

“Then shut up,” Hanbin barked. “God, I hate you. And now we have to go on a fucking group date.”

“Hold up,” Bobby put a hand up to stop Hanbin. “It sounds like you’re blaming this on me.”

“I am,” Hanbin easily confirmed. “Because this is your fault.”

“Holy shit, _what?_ ” Bobby demanded. “You started that fight.”

“You started that fight and you know it,” Hanbin pointed at him, “because you can’t take a fucking joke.”

“It wasn’t a fucking joke to me.”

“Pussy,” Hanbin spat. “You’re a fucking lame rival.”

Bobby just scoffed, because _really_ Hanbin? He could take the blame for even getting Bobby into this. “Your fault for starting a rivalry.”

And at that, Hanbin bitched his face right off. “Seriously? Did you _really_ just blame this shit on me? If one of us is solely to blame here, it’s you. This whole fucking thing is your fault.”

“How the fuck is it _my_ fault?”

“You’re the one who started dissing idol rappers.”

Bobby gave a loud, growly sigh. Hanbin was a dog with his bone in a death-lock. “I wasn’t even talking about you, and you know that.”

Hanbin crossed his arms. “You could have been. You already hated me.”

Bobby’s eyes narrowed. He swore they went through this already, and the déjà-vu was annoying. “ _I did **not. hate you**_ **.** ”

“You wouldn’t pay any attention to me!” Hanbin argued. “I tried to be nice to you and you just brushed me off like I didn’t fucking matter at all!”

“I was _nervous!_ ” Bobby blurted. Fuck, what was he saying? “I was nervous, okay?” He could not just stop there. “I had just moved here from America, I didn’t know what I was doing, I couldn’t adapt, and Winner basically adopted me so I just stuck with them because I was so—” his voice caught in his throat, “ _scared_ , fuck, Hanbin, I could barely talk to anybody. It’s because of them I even smiled at anyone at all.”

Hanbin paused, swallowed with a dry click. “You didn’t smile at me.”

_He knocked into Hanbin at 70 kilometers per hour, spinning on his heels like he had never touched another living thing before that moment. He stumbled back._

_“I’m sorry!” he said. He bowed and continued, “My name is Kim Jiwon.” There was something strange about his accent at the time – rushed and inelegant. It had not improved much since then._

Bobby said, “I knew I already ruined it with you.”

Lost, scared, unfamiliar, and awkward – he was practically set up to fuck their first meeting up. Hanbin was so intimidating for a kid. That had not changed much, either.

Hesitant but even-toned, Hanbin said, “You were scared of me.”

Bobby did not respond to that, not directly. Of course he was scared, but that was only Bobby’s fault, and he was ashamed of it. “By our second meeting I knew I had fucked it up so I just left you alone.”

A pause for silence. Then Hanbin said, “I didn’t hate you.”

A skip of his heart. Bobby fidgeted with his bracelet.

“You really did fuck it up.”

Bobby stayed quiet and continued just messing with his bracelet.

When it became clear that Bobby was not going to respond, Hanbin went to his bedroom and shut the door.

-❣-

Bobby had finished his goodbyes, so he went inside the dorm. Junhoe was the last remaining. Bobby heard their conversation – it was pretty conspicuous, as the door was left open.

“Thank you,” Junhoe said, “for everything.”

“You’re fucking welcome,” Hanbin said, with exaggerated drama. “I just sacrificed myself to save _your_ dumb relationship. Now go suck face with your boyfriend.”

Junhoe laughed. “You go suck face with yours, too.”

Bobby’s misplaced heart dropped. Fire fizzed and sparked all the way up into his throat.

Hanbin asked, “Who?”

Junhoe easily responded. “Your G-Dragon poster. Did you two break up?” Bobby heard the crack of a slap. Junhoe giggled and continued, “But you’ve been together for years!”

Junhoe’s laughter grew distant, and then it was gone.

Bobby needed a cold shower. When Hanbin entered the dorm, Bobby was there, but very shirtless. Hanbin coughed and said, “Easy there, we didn’t get along _that_ well today.”

Bobby snorted. “I’m taking a shower.” But not before he got this feeling off his chest. “Just wanted to ask you something first.”

Hanbin raised his eyebrows. “Okay?”

Bobby fiddled with his shirt. “Was that Junhoe?”

“Who just left?”

Bobby nodded to confirm.

“Yeah?”

Bobby did not make eye contact. He was either too ashamed or too angry for people skills. “What are you always doing with him after everyone leaves?”

“Just talking…?”

Bobby asked, “Why’d you let him tell Jinhwan hyung about us?”

Because it was just weird to Bobby that Hanbin and Junhoe were so close that Hanbin sacrificed himself like this. Why were Hanbin and Junhoe so close? Why did they hang out so much? Why did he care? Bobby felt something wrong. He felt wrong about this whole thing, burning from something hot like anger but turning him to ash like shame, and he must have felt embarrassed for a reason, right? He felt like he had been violated. This was for Jinhwan, it had to be for Jinhwan.

It had to be _because of_ Jinhwan. It had to be because of Junhoe and Hanbin’s relationship, and that meant it was because of Jinhwan, because Bobby just did not fit.

His heart pounded against his ribs, achy and awry, rock hot and heavy in his stomach. Nothing made sense. Nothing in him fit. Everything in him was heavy and falling.

Hanbin just blinked. “So he wouldn’t have to keep secrets from Jinhwan hyung.”

“Why does that matter to you?”

A humourless laugh fell out of Hanbin’s mouth. “Because they’re my best friends. Would _you_ put your best friends in that situation?”

“No, but that’s not what I’m saying.”

“Then what the fuck _are_ you saying?”

Bobby took a moment. Then he said, “I’m saying, maybe it sounds like you didn’t do it for Jinhwan hyung and Junhoe. Maybe you did it so Jinhwan hyung would stop asking questions about you.”

Bobby could see in Hanbin’s eyes the moment it clicked. Bobby had a feeling he was just as shocked by his own insinuation. He shocked himself when the idea came about. He calmly rode out the feeling because it had to be addressed.

Hanbin snapped, “Are you _honestly_ , honest to _God_ suggesting, that I am sleeping with Junhoe ** _?!_** ”

Bobby made eye contact then and raised his eyebrows. “Are you?”

Shocked blank-faced at first, Hanbin’s lips turned down and he sneered at Bobby, shook his head and spat, “You’re _disgusting_.”

Without another glance in Bobby’s direction, Hanbin went to his room. Bobby did not wait around. He felt numb now and did not want to be standing upright when the gravity of his fuck-up caused his life to come crashing down on him. He took a shower and then went to bed.

-❣-

Yeobo liked Hanbin. It was just something Bobby had to accept by then. Yeobo was never going to be caught in the crossfire of their enemy-ship.

When he heard Hanbin telling her to leave him – for Bobby – Bobby knew what had to be done. It was ridiculous that this was an issue, that his cat was involved in something akin to a custody agreement. The idea of Hanbin and Bobby as ex-lovers in any form or essence, even metaphorically speaking, caused him to blush, blood hot, something burning as always.

Bobby said, “Just let her follow you.”

Hanbin poked his head into the living room. “What?”

With a reluctant sigh, Bobby said, “Yeobo is not a part of our issues. Don’t punish her just because you hate me. If she wants to be with you, then be with her. Clearly you don’t have a problem spending time with her.”

Hanbin blushed at Bobby’s final comment, painting them both a matching shade of pink albeit with such different brushes. With a smile, Hanbin pat his leg for Yeobo to follow him, and they ran to his bedroom together.

Bobby’s eyes followed him down the hall. Bobby fought off any resentment he could feel towards his cat. What would even warrant this feeling? It was absurd.

Bobby also sat on his legs to fight off the impending awareness in the back of his mind, creeping forward, that he really wanted his body to follow them.

-❣-

Never one to waste his opportunities, Hanbin always enjoyed the time he got with Yeobo. She was just so cute and gentle. Her teeth were sharp and her eyes were soft, and she was all grey like a dust-bunny. She liked to play and whine about food and chill out listening to music. She was an all-around great pal. She was more like Bobby than Hanbin would ever consciously admit.

“Hey,” Bobby barked as soon as he got home. “I told you not to punish my cat.”

Hanbin was lying on the couch and Yeobo was napping on his stomach. A song played in the background on their Bluetooth speakers, and Hanbin was singing along to it. This was most likely the ‘punishment’ that Bobby spoke of. Hanbin informed him, “She likes it.”

She clearly did. Bobby did not push the issue. Instead he asked, “Where’s Donghyuk?”

There was such a sharp edge to his voice, but barely audible, a blade wrapped up and muffled in apathy like a cloth for safe transport. Hanbin wondered if Bobby even noticed how he spoke about Hanbin’s friends sometimes.

“He probably went back to his dorm room,” Hanbin rebutted, but with no real strength. “That’s where he said he would be when he left, but I don’t know his life.”

Bobby just shook his head and went into the kitchen. That boy was an enigma. Hanbin recommenced his horrible, tone-deaf wailing.

-❣-

Bobby had apologized as a testament to his own character, and to repent for his sins to both Jinhwan and to God. He had not expected Hanbin to give something to him in return. Even if YG had made him do it, Bobby felt weirdly touched. It calmed something in him.

It made him comfortable. It made him want to act on his weird desire to get closer. He was never one for skinship, but he hated to be alone. He liked some form of affection. He liked validation and attention. He liked feeling comfortable and wanted more of that.

It made him brush Hanbin’s arm to clean the cat hair off, and he did not hate Yeobo for getting to touch him without having him flinch, but it did make Bobby feel sorry, it did make him want. It made him sit next to Hanbin in the car to quell awkward tension. It made him care in a weird, domestic way that made Bobby feel like they were really partners in this, like they had both done their part.

Later, YG confirmed that Hanbin deleted the track on his own volition, and Bobby felt grateful.

It made him offer Hanbin support. He had listened when Hanbin told Bobby to wake him up when he fell asleep in the studio. Bobby did his part.

He did his part in the studio too, that night when Hanbin was on the verge of breaking down. He petted Hanbin’s back. It was intimate in a way that Bobby was not accustomed to, in a way that was way closer than Hanbin had ever let him get. It was awkwardly crashing into Hanbin at 70 kilometers an hour slowed down to only 2. The impact landed gently on Hanbin’s shoulder blade this time around.

(It was possessive and Bobby was not aware of that, he would yet not let himself be. He was still just trying to help Hanbin. This was about Hanbin.)

Hanbin’s shoulders fell. Bobby’s everything fell.

-❣-

Bobby and Jaewon were not close, but they had a lot in common. Bobby wanted to get to know him better.

The two hung out in the cafeteria, empty bowls in front of them. The two had a bit to talk about. They had both participated in Show Me The Money, but the topic was difficult to get into when both parties were obviously trying to avoid a critical point of Bobby’s experience. There were only so many compliments Jaewon could give, only so much Bobby could use to respond. Bobby did not think that not talking could be as hard as talking, but Hanbin always brought something new to the table.

Jaewon laughed, hair falling away from his face as he leaned back against the chair. Bobby laughed along with him, jerky, ponytail bobbing.

They had a less in common in terms of love songs. Jaewon wrote on the more blunt side of sentimental, words drawn from experiences and written out to recreate more realistic memories, but Bobby liked the romantic aspect of storytelling more than the specificity of lived events. His life was not poetic enough.

Jaewon was just a good dude. Bobby felt chill around him. They laughed and stirred around the last of their milk and Bobby hid his teeth behind a soft smile. Jaewon was unfamiliar and unreadable, somewhat timid and inexpressive. But they were just chilling. Bobby did not feel an overwhelming need to know him well in this moment.

Bobby stumbled over the song title ‘Lean On Me’ as he elaborated on his writing process. Jaewon let Bobby pick himself up and carry on. The stone on his sidewalk that tripped him up was left to hear only in between the cracks.

They had not discussed what happened at lunch. Strangely Bobby did not feel the need to. Whatever had happened had passed.

Jaewon’s hair fell over his face as he leaned forward again and Bobby noticed in the stretch of wordless silence that he was handsome. He was really handsome. Bobby felt a fire in his stomach and it confused him, because it was not nerves, and not arousal or attraction. It was something else, always some mysterious thing else. Bobby suddenly felt the urge to let his hair down. He had not felt threatened by Jaewon until now.

Whatever had happened was absent in the moment, like Hanbin.

It was never about Jaewon.

Jaewon looked at him, blinked. He swallowed dryly. His face was handsome and unreadable. Jaewon said, “I like girls.”

That was startling. Bobby assured, needlessly and hollowly – because they both knew who the rock was, right? The only person who could make Bobby stumble? – “I wasn’t…”

Jaewon said, “I know.”

Bobby almost voiced the caught sound in his throat but it would not make a difference if he did. There were no coherent words to be spoken. Nothing needed to be spoken; Jaewon knew. It was never about Jaewon and he knew.

It was tense in the room after that, even for an open space. Bobby wanted to hide. He let his hair down.

Jaewon sipped his strawberry milk through a straw and stood up. He left first.

-❣-

It had sort of happened in a blur of sleep deprivation, but that had only liberated him, not impaired him. He was uninhibited now. He took what he wanted.

Bobby shifted, adjusting himself in his pants when Hanbin questioned him about being degraded. Bobby did not like being insulted, he did not like that form of degradation. It was controlled humiliation he liked. There was something hot and intimate about trusting another person to use you to get off, to allow them to look at you like a plaything. He liked being able to get them off just by existing as something cute. He liked the game. Perhaps it would be better not to bring up their rivalry to Hanbin after this. Although it was hot, it was better not to give Hanbin any ideas. Bobby might have had his kinks, but he still had his dignity.

The look in Hanbin’s eyes caused Bobby’s cock to twitch. Hanbin put his hands in Bobby’s hair and called him a pet name. Bobby’s heart sped up, leapt in his throat and threatened to choke him. He wished it did, just for a little while. Not before he blacked out. Not before he moaned out the safe-word.

In an attempt to make Hanbin feel more comfortable, Bobby place a feather-light kiss on Hanbin’s thigh. He coddled and consoled him, and honestly, the sex was not that important, Bobby just felt compelled to help. He would have tried to help anyway. He _wanted_ to help.

Bobby was going to make Hanbin come for him. Hanbin had him on his knees, and Bobby would work Hanbin up and over the edge, and Hanbin would come with Bobby on his mind. Later, Bobby would come with Hanbin on his tongue.

Bobby pulled Hanbin’s cock free. He dragged his tongue along the length. Hanbin gasped, keeping his head back and eyes closed. Bobby’s eyes flicked up to catch the dry bob of the boy’s Adam’s apple within the long column of his neck, the soft, plush parting of his pretty lips. Hanbin was made well, base to tip. Bobby wrapped his lips around Hanbin’s cock and closed his eyes.

Hanbin continued combing Bobby’s hair through his fingers. It was gentle and fond, and Bobby finally got a taste of that affection he had seen Hanbin administer. It made Bobby want to purr. Bobby placed kitten licks and kisses to the tip, dragged his tongue along the slit, then took Hanbin into his mouth, slowly sinking down on him. He wanted Hanbin to feel it. He _wanted_.

His eyelashes fluttered and he saw Hanbin grip the armrests of the chair, and Bobby palmed at his own cock, wanting those fingers around him. He pouted. He kept up a steady pace on Hanbin’s cock, working him hard and flushed a dark shade of pink. It was almost cute in its Valentine essence – pink skin, red lips, eyes glazed, a mutual confession from two secret admirers. He would soon see white. Bobby hollowed his cheeks, bunny teeth slightly grazing his skin, and Hanbin felt his cock hit the back of Bobby’s throat, because gasped and tugged on his hair.

Bobby eased back, working him steadily as before, keeping a hand near the base to occasionally pump. His other hand burned where it rested on Hanbin’s hip. He tried not to leave a mark. This was not supposed to leave a mark on either of them.

This was not the best Bobby ever had, but he did not think he would know the difference even reflecting on his experiences. All he knew was that he liked this, he liked the feel and the taste of Hanbin, in all its bitterness and salt, in every sense. He liked what it made him feel. Bobby had gone a long time without someone to fool around with. Young love was his _thing_ , he felt like he almost **_needed_** it. And this was not romance, but it was some form of love. It was rosewater leaking out the corner of his mouth, just essence, nothing to do with commitment or romance or vitality.

But he would take it because it was fun. He was young.

“Bobby,” Hanbin breathed out the warning, and attempted to tug Bobby’s mouth off.

Bobby lifted his lips off with a wet _pop_. Hanbin almost looked nervous before he dropped his head back again. It was almost sweet in flavour; odd for him.

“It’s okay,” Bobby said. He wrapped his lips around Hanbin’s cock again, sucking him down, and Hanbin again hit the back of his throat. Bobby wanted to taste his victory. He wanted to taste just how pretty he looked on his knees.

Hanbin’s orgasm hit with a loud, drawn out whine, a sound caught between a cry and a moan. Bobby swallowed around his cock, then pulled halfway off, pumping the last of Hanbin’s cum into his mouth. Bobby licked it off his lips and teeth, glazed his tongue white. Hanbin shook all over and tried to breathe.

It was quick and unemotional, exactly how it should be. It was all passionate, done in the heat of the moment. Weirdly, it was the furthest they had ever been from each other.

And then Hanbin had to go and pass out.

“Hey,” Bobby quickly said, “don’t fall asleep here.”

Hanbin tucked himself back into his underwear and pulled them up, but that was all the strength he had in him. His head lolled to the side. He let out a grumbling noise in response to Bobby’s command.

Bobby sighed. “God, you’re an asshole.” Aftercare was not part of the game.

He pulled Hanbin’s sweatpants up, bounced Hanbin on his chair to get the fabric over his ass. Hanbin let himself be manhandled like a ragdoll. “Are you kidding me?” Bobby pressed. Hanbin made an ‘ _mm_ ’ sound.

Bobby grumbled. He could not very well just leave Hanbin there. He picked the idiot up, dropped him on the couch. Hanbin did not seem to mind. Because it was still early spring, and Bobby did not want his partner catching a cold, he covered Hanbin up with the boy’s jacket.

After Bobby got himself off in the bathroom, knees buckling and arm braced on the wall, Bobby decided he did not want to make the trek back to the dorm. He fell asleep in his own studio.

In the morning, Hanbin woke him up bright and early to a beautiful day full of regret.

Bobby woke up on the couch in a neighbouring studio. Hanbin stood over him, wrapped up in his own jacket, the same one Bobby had covered him with, but not wearing it. His hair looked like it had seen hell, so judging by the events of last night/early morning, Bobby probably looked like a hell-creature himself. Bobby pulled his own jacket-blanket off and sat up.

Everything came rushing back to him, from the proposition, to the blowjob, to jerking himself off in the bathroom. So that happened last night. Bobby would need time to actually process what he had gone and done.

Hanbin looked puffy, pink, and sweet as candy wrapped up in his jacket. And Bobby had not wanted this to happen, but he felt marked by their experience, and Hanbin looked marked by it. To his dismay, Bobby loved it.

-❣-

It was easier to notice when Hanbin was drunk and all the feelings he kept deep down felt lighter. His emotions were nonsensical and easy to bury, as he did not feel strongly about Bobby any way he felt. He was mostly confused by it all, unsure what to make of it, what to do. He was already dizzy when sober.

Hanbin needed physical contact and he could not get it from Bobby, he would not seek it nor ask for it, so he ended up at friend’s places a lot. There was a feeling somewhere in him that kept him away from home, kept him estranged from his partner. Thinking about Bobby felt like a healing bruise.

“I need to stop hanging out with friends,” Hanbin mused aloud, rubbing his eyes. “I’ve been wasting _tiiiime_ …”

This was the result of constantly running away, but he needed to get out. He needed to get his head back on straight, no pun intended. But Bobby made his thoughts spin every which direction and he just could not find a clear path. He had trouble working with and without him.

The strange, phantom bruise on Hanbin felt like it had been pressed. Bobby looked like he just received a fresh mark to his abdomen.

Then Hanbin asked, “Jiwon, why do you hate my friends?”

Bobby’s Korean name just slipped out. They were awkward and unfamiliar, perpetually unknown to one another, but not strangers anymore. They had not been for a long time. Hanbin wanted to know _him_ , wanted the truth from _him_.

Bobby choked on his breath, and then exhaled, and scrunched his eyebrows. “What do you mean?”

Hanbin pouted, “You get mad at me whenever I hang out with them. Jaewon, Chanwoo, the YG dancers… and you accused me of sleeping with Junhoe. What’s wrong with them?”

And those were just some examples. It was impossible to miss how Bobby got uncomfortable, almost defensive, when it came to Hanbin’s relationships. Hanbin just did not understand how all these people could have wronged Bobby. Judging by that confused look on the male’s face, and by the cloth around his constant accusations, blunted metal just jabbing to poke something, Bobby did not understand either.

Until, maybe, he did. He suddenly looked sick.

Worriedly, Hanbin asked, “Did you drink yourself sick again?”

After a moment, Bobby nodded. Hanbin was not too drunk, he could still walk. Bobby was not that much bigger than he was, and anyway, their arms were roughly the same size, and Bobby was all around more slender. Hanbin owed him (and he _cared_ , but that was less important).

He picked Bobby up in his arms, let Bobby wrap around him like a koala. He held the other man under both his thighs and carried him to the bedroom. Before dropping the boy on his bed – gently, because thanks for nothing, Bobby – Hanbin moved one hand to press against Bobby’s back, holding him against his chest. He then lowered the other boy down. On the bed, Bobby sniffled.

When Hanbin tried to move, he noticed that Bobby had one hand fisted in Hanbin’s shirt. He soon let it go, and did not ask Hanbin to stay the night. It almost felt as though Hanbin had let him go when he set Bobby down in bed in a way that was far beyond physical. Hanbin left, and that too meant something. He just did not yet know what.

-❣-

It was always about Bobby.

-❣-

Bobby liked Hanbin. He finally realized it. He was bound to figure it out eventually. As much as it hurt and bothered him, it also brought him peace. He was glad he realized it sooner rather than later. He could work with this. He hoped they both could.

“Bobby!” Hanbin yelled. “Where the fuck did you put my sweater?”

“What?” Bobby yelled back.

Hanbin stormed into Bobby’s room. Startled by the sudden intrusion, and roused to animation by Hanbin’s presence, Bobby jumped off his bed and into action.

“Where’s my sweater?” Hanbin demanded. “It must be in here, we’ve been getting each other’s clothes mixed up lately.”

Bobby almost smiled at Hanbin’s choice excuse – ‘mixed up’. Even someone half as territorial as Hanbin would know the difference between their wardrobes. They were not big shoppers, and although they had a similar sense of style, it was not difficult to determine who owned what based on preference, memory, and who yelled at who when one accidentally stole the other’s belonging. It used to be primal. Now it was negligible, and Bobby would even say the sharing was intentional. It was welcomed on his part with a soft heart and a gentle feeling of fuzz in his chest.

“You’re the one wearing _my_ clothes,” Bobby said.

“You wore my pants!” Hanbin argued.

He flipped over a pile of Bobby’s clothes, and Bobby whined at him, “Hanbin, stop destroying things...” because the boy was a bit of a powerhouse when he was calm, so when roused, he was a straight up hazard.

Hanbin was on a mission. As cute as his tenacity was, it was also making a mess. Hanbin complained, “You _suck_ at laundry.”

Bobby tried to reason with him. They had a lot to work out, they had to start somewhere. “Hanbin, can you just—”

“No!” he immediately cut Bobby off, and his tone was both careless (in regards to Bobby) and stressed (in regards to himself). “It’s my favourite grey sweater!”

Bobby placed a hand on Hanbin’s arm and tried to stand him upright. He would get dizzy exerting himself like this, and over something so trivial, too. Again, Bobby just wanted to help. “Hanbin, we can look for it together.”

Hanbin stood upright and pushed Bobby’s hand away. “ _No!_ ” He faced Bobby with a frown and his lips in a full pout.

And God, he was so cute. Bobby did not just want to help. He did not just want Hanbin’s body, his cute little face, his tenacity, his humour, his way with cats. He wanted all of him, just **_Hanbin_.** He wanted him so bad his whole body caught fire, and his lips tingled like magnets dragged forward by cobalt, his fingers pulled by an itching compulsion to _touch_.

“It’s my _favourite!_ I don’t want it to b—”

Bobby grabbed Hanbin’s face and finally closed the distance between them. There was nothing left unknown in the air to float around their heads in misguided circles. Bobby kissed him. Hanbin wrapped his arms around Bobby’s waist and pulled their bodies flush together, fervently kissing him back.

The rock in Bobby’s stomach crumbled to dust. His heart fell back into place. Hanbin was _his._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay my kids it is time for a serious talk. I know I made this all sound pretty poetic, but it not meant to be interpreted as romantic or tragically beautiful or whatever. Jealousy is not healthy. Of course it is okay to miss your lover and want to hang out with them, but it should never feel like it is burning you from within. It should not hurt. It should not make you feel resentful. Bobby is deeply jealous in this extra and he cannot deal with it because he cannot even identify what he feels. A relationship needs trust, and at this point in time, Bobby and Hanbin HAVE **ZERO** TRUST in each other. Mutual gay empathy is the only reason they feel comfortable enough to be intimate at all. And I know Bobby's character is just jealous because that is just who he is, but in the future, it will be healthier, and he will be upset about being ignored, but he will never feel resentful or uncomfortable with any of Hanbin's friends. Your personality is only acceptable when it does not affect your partner's decisions and relationships. 
> 
> Thank you for reading, take care. xo


	10. extra 2: loved anyway (junhwan's pov)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Ribbon That Binds Us, aka The Misadventures of Dumbbell and Henry, from Junhwan's POV.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again guys!! This chapter is from Junhoe and Jinhwan's points of view, but _mostly_ Junhoe's. It also follows the story of their relationship. Also can I just say how hard it is to write from Junhoe's POV because he is so funny?? Like I tried my best but I know I could never encapsulate him the way he deserves.
> 
> Junhwan's relationship is a little different that usual interpretations. Please keep an open mind through the story. This is one of my favourite interpretations of them. In the end though, this is just an interpretation, it's all fiction and we are just here for a good time. 
> 
> I also did not expect sexuality to be such a big part of this, but turns out it is! I hope I incorporated it naturally enough. Warning for a sex scene that starts at the part where Junhoe is lying in bed wearing a red bathrobe, surrounded by rose petals, and ends when Jinhwan says aloud that Junhoe is so cute. Yeah, literally. It is meant to be a humourous scene more so than a sexy one. 
> 
> Oh also this extra is **25k** words so strap in for the rides pals.
> 
> Thank you to wolvesgirl for encouraging me to write this Junhwan extra, this is dedicated to you, but only if you want it. Also thank you to Min for your constant support. ❤❤
> 
> Take care everyone! I hope you like this. ❤

When Jinhwan saw Junhoe for the first time he thought he was looking at a faerie – something like a hobgoblin, but a cute hobgoblin. He was young and awkward and babyish, but he had a nice structure to his face, and Jinhwan could just tell that he was going to grow up well.

When Junhoe saw Jinhwan (and co.) for the first time, Junhoe truly started to believe that YG did not recruit based on looks. He thought Jinhwan was some type of faerie – something little and cute but unattractive, like a pixie, maybe. Junhoe was not sure who the supermodels of the Fae realm are, but whatever Jinhwan was, he was sure the boy would not be among them.

“Looks like we’re in the same group,” Jinhwan said after introducing himself.

Junhoe bowed to his hyung and nodded. Jinhwan must be a really good dancer or singer or whatever, so Junhoe thought he was lucky to have him. Junhoe was an all-rounder, but it was nice to have backup. He could not pick up the slack for every dweeb here.

_This is YG_ , Junhoe reminded himself – these people were there because they were willing to work hard to be there. Junhoe would have no trouble settling in.

It took a few days to realize he was wrong about that.

Junhoe curled into himself after a long day, darkened by Hanbin’s constant scolding and berating to the point of bullying. The guy seemed to have beef with everybody, especially the bunny-looking kid named Billy – no, Bobby. Yeah, they had some _dark_ shit to work out. He did not have to project onto Junhoe though. That was just counterproductive. Junhoe was not sure he would be making friends here anytime soon if everyone was like Hanbin.

Junhoe felt another body settle in front of him. He looked up.

Jinhwan pushed a bottle of tea into Junhoe’s hands. He said, “It’s rough being yelled at, but try to let it make you better. You’ll get used to him anyway.”

Junhoe could not smile, but Jinhwan could. His lips quirked up into something small and sweet. Jinhwan was something small and sweet.

Jinhwan held the bottle out. “Rehydrate.”

Junhoe accepted the drink.

Jinhwan was suddenly prettier and Junhoe needed a friend. It worked out nicely.

-❣-

**Jinhwan hyung:** hey, how did you cope without me today?

**Junhoe:** didn’t

**Jinhwan hyung:** ah, can’t go a day without me huh?

**Jinhwan hyung:** how was kid leader?

**Junhoe:** dumbbell and henry locked eyes in the hallway  
before practice and it went downhill from there

**Jinhwan hyung:** what and who?

**Junhoe:** yeah, them.

**Jinhwan hyung:** ah… I see. let me take you  
out for coffee tomorrow to make up for it.

**Junhoe:** ok.

**Jinhwan hyung:** missed you hoobae

**Junhoe:** yeah… im a lot to miss

-❣-

Junhoe felt the world end when his group was not declared the winner. Everything had broken, shattered, fallen. But Hanbin was still standing, and so Junhoe stood.

They were told to believe that this was not the end. They would just have to go back to square one. That was all. Just train and keep training and see where that would take them.

Jinhwan stopped Junhoe backstage and placed a hand on his cheek. He physically supported Junhoe, forced Junhoe to hold his head up. “It’s going to be okay,” Jinhwan said through his tears.

And if any of them were going to debut in the end, it would be Junhoe. He was too good not to.

But he would keep standing and keep training because Hanbin told him to, not because his red carpet was already laid out. For the one who always led his way. For Hanbin.

-❣-

Fast forward a few months into the New Year.

Hanbin was storming around, absolutely fuming. Junhoe relaxed in the lounger in their dorm and ate ice cream. Somebody had to, and Hanbin’s mouth was occupied at the moment. Junhoe thought cursing was good exercise; Hanbin turned it into a sport. Must be how Hanbin kept his lips so plush.

“AND THEN THE FUCKDICK HAS THE NERVE TO CALL _ME_ OUT FOR BEING AN ‘IDOL RAPPER’? JUST BECAUSE HE’S BUTTHURT THAT SONG MINHO DICKED HIM IN THE FINAL CUT OF TEAM A, SUDDENLY HE HAS A PROBLEM WITH _ME_ , ACTING LIKE HE’S NOT KANG SEUNGYOON’S BITCH BOY?”

Bobby’s most recent diss track did not accuse Hanbin of being an idol rapper again, but perhaps the reminder that such a track existed hurt more, because Hanbin was dredging up blood from old wounds. Junhoe let him heal how he needed to.

After Junhoe heard the equivalent to a self-exorcism in Hanbin’s ranting about Bobby, he said, still looking down at the ice cream, “So what’re you gonna do?”

“WHO DOES HE THINK HE IS,” Hanbin fired back, seemingly ignoring the question, “FIRST OF ALL? SECOND OF ALL, HOW FUCKING DARE HE?”

Hanbin had handled some diss tracks (a lot) better than others.

Junhoe nodded and said, “That’s right.”

“SO WHAT CAN I DO, HUH?” Hanbin threw his hands up. “OH, HOW **_COULD_** HE?! HE DOESEN’T KNOW ME, HE DOES NOT EVEN KNOW WHAT THE FUCK HE’S TALKING ABOUT.”

Junhoe nodded. “It’s like that.”

“WHAT CAN I EVEN SAY?” Hanbin continued, “HE’S OUT HERE SAYING – **_THAT_** – AND THEN CALLING _ME_ A FAKE?! I’M AT A ROCK AND A HARD PLACE, JUNHOE. HOW CAN I RESPOND TO LIES?”

Junhoe shook his head. “Terrible.”

“The nerve calling _me_ an idol rapper,” Hanbin grumbled. “He must be half plastic by now, but I don’t know how much surgery it takes to stay that ugly. He hasn’t always had those cheekbones, I know it.”

After Hanbin grumbled out some more misguided and thinly veiled gay shit about Bobby’s eyes and wrote a note down on his phone (something that would surely be interesting in upcoming fights between those two), he asked, “What are his weaknesses? It seems like he doesn’t care about anything. What can I do, call him ugly again? It will just make me look like an idiot. I can’t take that on Show Me the Money.”

Junhoe shrugged. Hanbin asked, “Does Jinhwan talk about him?”

Now, here is where a few ribbons got tangled amongst each other. For one thing, Hanbin was Junhoe’s leader. He was still in WIN-mode, probably due to unresolved trauma. Hanbin was his bro, too. On top of that, Jinhwan was his best friend, and if Junhoe relayed any information about Bobby that he got through Jinhwan, it could be devastating for their friendship. Plus, Jinhwan was pretty, and Junhoe was not sure why, but that definitely had an influence on his decision here. And then there was Bobby, whom Junhoe actually liked, despite him being a total fuck. He was a good guy. Regardless of whether or not they got along (they did not), they were still friends. Junhoe was put in a bad spot here.

“Yeah,” Junhoe shrugged. “We’re all friends, it’s whatever.”

“Does he ever badmouth him?”

Junhoe shrugged, “About their own problems, I guess.”

Hanbin opened his mouth to say something else, then shut it. He shook his head. “What am I doing?” He muttered to himself, then dragged his hands down his face. The expression on Hanbin’s face just read as _futile_. “I have to go to work,” Hanbin said, and passed by Junhoe without another word, leaving Junhoe in his dorm.

Well that went bad. Junhoe took out his phone to text Jinhwan what happened.

**Jinan-ah~** : sorry junie… do you want me to come home?

**June-yah~:** sure

Jinhwan arrived a little while later. “Hey,” he said. “Bobby’s waiting for me downstairs. He suggested we could all hang out in the lounge since I was with him before I got here.”

“Oh yeah, that’s fine,” Junhoe said. It would be nice to hang out with people who were not yelling at him. “So he’s in the lounge?”

“The lobby, I think,” Jinhwan said. “He refused to come up here, you know, so I left him there.”

Junhoe sighed. “Do I know? Does _anyone_ know?”

Jinhwan sighed too. “They’re morons. I don’t know what happened between them… I don’t know why they decided to be this way.”

Jinhwan looked so sad, and Junhoe felt bad for him. He imagined it was difficult to be the hyung in this situation. It must have felt something like chaos, like heartbreak, watching two people you love hate each other so deeply and not being able to help them. And with everything that happened in WIN… Jinhwan must have felt like it was his job to keep the family together, yet he could only watch it fall apart.

Junhoe placed a hand on Jinhwan’s shoulder to ground him. Almost instinctively, Jinhwan reached up to put his hand over Junhoe’s. A chill ran down Junhoe’s spine, but in a good way. It felt like snowfall.

“Wait,” Jinhwan suddenly said. “Hanbin is in the studio, right?”

Junhoe blinked. “Oh… I don’t know. He just said ‘work’.”

Jinhwan asked, “He wasn’t mad when he left, was he?”

Junhoe said, “He stopped yelling…” he swallowed dryly. So that meant Hanbin was something beyond furious.

Jinhwan and Junhoe shared a look of pure horror and dashed out of there, slamming the door behind them and running down the stairs.

They found Bobby in the lounge, surrounded by torn magazines. Bobby had curled up into a very angry ball of a person on the couch. Only his narrowed eyes and scrunched brows could be seen under his bangs, face hidden in the crewneck of his shirt.

Hanbin had been there. That much was obvious.

Junhoe still had no fucking idea what happened between them whenever they were left alone.

Jinhwan sat down on the couch and did not even try to reach out and pet Bobby. He just spoke to him calmly, as though verbally subduing a wild animal.

Junhoe swallowed the sadness down. They were all trying so hard.

-❣-

It was December 2014 when the remaining members of Team B piled on top of each other, screaming in a fit of hysterical joy and ecstasy to celebrate the news that they would debut in August of the following year. They would be called Healing and Hanbin would be writing their title tracks with a few of the hyungs. It was not everything it could be – they would rather have Hanbin, and Bobby, in the group with them – but this meant everything it could possibly mean on its own. This was the start of their lives. They wailed properly about it.

_“Oh my god!”_ Donghyuk screamed once they were back in the dorm. Everyone had tears in their eyes. Yunhyeong tackled Donghyuk, body checking Chanwoo on the way down. None of them minded.

Jinhwan and Junhoe expressed themselves similarly. Then, Jinhwan spun towards Junhoe, and stunned himself still upon realizing how close they were. Junhoe grabbed Jinhwan’s face, maybe to steady him, maybe reacting on another instinct, one that did not quite make sense to him yet.

“Oh, woah!” the voices came to acknowledge them after a few seconds, “Hey, wow, okay guys!” “PG 13! CHANWOO IS ONLY 13!” “ ** _AHHHHHHHHH!_** ”

Jinhwan and Junhoe had to break apart to laugh. Jinhwan then fell against Junhoe and Junhoe wrapped his arms around the smaller boy to embrace him. He was not sure how he was even standing upright, though, all things considered. He was _reeling_.

“Aish, you’re all too much,” Junhoe said flippantly.

“We’re just surprised!” Yunhyeong replied. “You’ve never been so open about it!”

“We’re celebrating!” Jinhwan cheered. “We’re debuting, so Junhoe and I are debuting too, as a couple!”

“We know!” Yunhyeong and Chanwoo ceremoniously replied. Junhoe thought they were putting a remarkable amount of passion into this joke about him and Jinhwan. Regardless, it was nice to have such an open-minded group.

“Oh my god!” Donghyuk threw his hands out to stop the party. “We’re debuting in nine months! Quick, everybody get a girlfriend before it’s too late! Or whoever you want! I support you!”

“It’s already too late!” Chanwoo wailed. “Donghyuk hyung, quick, get the wig and Jinhwan hyung’s cheerleader outfit!”

“You don’t know about that ** _!_** ” Jinhwan pointed a finger sternly at the youngest.

“Who will wear it though?” Donghyuk asked.

“I’ll take one for the team,” Yunhyeong placed a hand on his heart as though this was a huge sacrifice.

“Gonna have to take two for the team, actually,” Junhoe commented. Yunhyeong squawked. Donghyuk collapsed to the floor in laughter, and Chanwoo was weak from his own hysterics.

Jinhwan sighed and looked in Junhoe’s eyes, maybe searching for some support. He wore a huge, blissful smile, though.

In the background of their moment, Junhoe heard Donghyuk say, “We’ll need double the alcohol!”

Jinhwan quickly asked, “Why is that?”

“Two celebrations,” Donghyuk said. “One with Bobby hyung and one with Hanbin hyung!”

“Right!” Yunhyeong said. He dropped his voice to a lower, more solemn tone as he said, “It’s a shame.”

“Tragic,” Donghyuk agreed in the same false tone of disappointment. Chanwoo looked down with them and nodded to agree.

Jinhwan sighed. He and Junhoe returned their attention to each other.

Junhoe said, “I didn’t know you were a cheerleader.”

Jinhwan’s eyes widened in shock. Then he just sighed louder, smile growing to show teeth, and dropped his head on Junhoe’s chest. Junhoe repeatedly inquired, ‘What?’ but Jinhwan just hugged him. Perhaps this would have to be another conversation.

(It was.)

-❣-

“I’ve been writing poetry,” Junhoe announced, because regardless of the fact that he did not quite have a handle on the abstract concept of ‘emotion’, the world was his stage and he was here to take his spotlight.

Jinhwan turned around in his seat and raised an eyebrow. “Poetry? This should be good.”

Junhoe swaggered over to Jinhwan and handed the smaller boy his notebook. Jinhwan opened it and flipped through. “I listen to hyungs’ lyrics all the time,” Junhoe said by way of an explanation. “And I watch movies.” He might not know how to express what he felt well, but he knew how others managed to do it. He learned. All poetry sounds the same anyway; love and something about a flower. The ones about himself were easy to write as he could project onto nature and analogies.

Jinhwan read through the pages. He asked Junhoe to recite something, held up the book for Junhoe to see. Junhoe put on his best Romeo impression and warbled his heart out, lips curling up and laughter cracking his monologue towards the end. Jinhwan’s eyes scrunched up from his fond smile as well.

Jinhwan resumed his scan through the book. His eyebrows were high and scrunched, a little confused as to what they were feeling, in Junhoe’s opinion. “These are kind of funny,” he said, almost in disbelief, but happy about it. “This one is called ‘Honeysuckle’. Is this about a person?”

Junhoe’s eyebrows furrowed. He forgot the contents of that poem. He took the notebook back from Jinhwan to read over it.

_A flower in the meadow / Tiny and unassuming / Not a rose / A thousand times sweeter_

Realization dawned on him; his lips parted, eyebrows relaxed, and he nodded. “Ah, yes,” he said. “It’s about you.”

Jinhwan’s eyes widened. Junhoe held their mutual gaze for a few seconds before crumbling into laughter, because this was funny, right? Junhoe thought the poem was funny. Jinhwan was small. This made it comical.

Jinhwan blinked at the sound of Junhoe’s laughter as if snapped back into reality. He laughed along with him.

-❣-

They were a few months into 2015 now and their training was brutal. Hanbin, and Bobby for one or two songs, worked on Healing’s album, and Healing was working ( _tirelessly_ ) on everything that came with it.

It had been a long day of training, and now it was time to rest.

The two sat in bed together, scrolling one of their favourite artists’ Instagram accounts and fighting with each other to like as many posts as they could on Jinhwan’s private account without getting banned. They giggled, bumping hands and shoulders, everything close. Jinhwan was in a loose cotton t-shirt and Junhoe was in a bathrobe, and they could feel each other’s skin-deep heat. It was comfortable for Junhoe. He was always comfortable with Jinhwan.

Junhoe stole Jinhwan’s phone back and tapped hearts like a madman. When Jinhwan tried to snatch the phone back, it triggered something primal in Junhoe, and he whisper-yelled, “Oppa! Oppa is mine!”

“Who’s your oppa?” Jinhwan stole the phone back, leveled a look at Junhoe, almost challenging. “Is he your oppa?”

“Oppaaaa~” Junhoe insisted, voice high and nasally and mocking.

There was a catch in Jinhwan’s voice, in his soft smile, as he asked, “Am I your oppa too?”

Junhoe blinked. “Sure, you’re my oppa.”

Jinhwan’s eyelashes fluttered. Was there a draft? Jinhwan asked, “Are you a fan of Jinan oppa, too?”

“Jinanie oppa is a good singer,” Junhoe said, still in his annoying, nasally fan-girl tone. He batted his eyelashes and tilted his head back and forth for effect. “I love oppa-yah!” He threw up finger hearts. “ _Heart! Heart!_ ”

Jinhwan threw a finger heart back at him, a swift movement, suave and chic, and Junhoe swooned before breaking down in laughter, dropping his head back on the headboard. His eyes fell shut.

“Junhoe?”

Junhoe turned his head and opened his eyes. Jinhwan had put the phone down, instead was looking at Junhoe. Junhoe responded, “Yes?”

Jinhwan swallowed – Junhoe saw the movement in his throat. Not very talkative tonight? Jinhwan usually loved to talk. Something must be wrong. Junhoe asked, “Are you okay?”

Jinhwan scooted backwards, face right in front of Junhoe’s. His eyes were dark. He still would not answer. Junhoe gave him time.

Jinhwan tilted his head, bangs falling to the side of his face and framing it nicely. Jinhwan had a nice face, warm and welcoming, sweet. Junhoe mirrored him and tilted his head the other way, inquisitive.

Jinhwan moved closer. Junhoe was not sure how close they needed to be. He coughed to clear his throat.

Jinhwan said, “Junhoe.”

Wait, no, it was a question. It was more like, ‘ _Junhoe?_ ’ but Junhoe could not figure out what he was asking. “Yes?”

“Yes as in yes, or yes as in ‘what’?”

Junhoe scrunched his eyebrows and pouted his lips. “What?”

Jinhwan gave a humourless laugh. “Are you teasing me?”

Junhoe shook his head. “No…” he said. Jinhwan dropped his head on the headboard, holding Junhoe’s gaze. Something must have really been wrong to warrant this erratic behaviour. Junhoe pressed, “What’s wrong? Jinan-ah?” Junhoe thought maybe annoying him would help break down his inhibitions. Through his nose, he repeated, “ _Jinan-aaah?_ ”

Jinhwan laughed, another vacant rush of air, and pushed himself off the headboard. “Nothing,” he said, and he smiled. Junhoe was so confused. “It’s my turn to shower,” Jinhwan said, and started to crawl off the bed. “I’ll come in later to hang out more.”

Junhoe watched him walk all the way out. He looked back down at GD’s Instagram. He tapped the screen – _heart, heart.._.

_Heart._

-❣-

Junhoe had only ever witnessed one real fight between Bobby and Hanbin.

It was back in 2014. Team B had all gone to support both Bobby and Hanbin on Show Me the Money, so they were all backstage at one point. They divided into two groups – Junhoe, Jinhwan, and Donghyuk with Bobby, and Yunhyeong and Chanwoo with Hanbin.  They would switch when their congratulations were given.

Bobby and Hanbin crossed paths, but they only shared glares, nothing more. Junhoe had thought it was nothing more.

Jinhwan and Junhoe ditched Team B and hung back after the get-together to see if they could bully Hanbin and Bobby out of an autograph, maybe an invitation to eat. They wanted to get a better look at the ‘arena’ too, as they called it. They stayed behind the stage crew, cameras turned off and starting to move to storage, security cameras replacing the bright lights and wide lenses. They sat on crates and giggled about ‘ _heep hap_ ’.

Junhoe’s laugh caught in his throat when he heard the sound of Bobby yelling. A ghostly look of fear cast over Jinhwan’s features. They leapt off the crates and headed through the dressing room area, pushing their way past staff and contestants, some of which looked concerned and alerted, others who looked like they could not care less.

They entered Bobby’s dressing room to see him and Hanbin going off on each other, Joonkyung holding Bobby back, yelling _‘hey! hey! hey!’_ to no avail.

Bobby got wild when he got angry. When he got mad in practice it was less severe, snappish but controlled, but when he really went off, he went out of his mind. It was animalistic rage. He was snarling, jerking his body, flexing muscles against Joonkyung’s hands around his wrists from behind. Hanbin stood directly in front of him, but somehow they did not bump into each other even once.

Hanbin was scary when he was angry like this. Sometimes he lost his mind due to anger and carelessly went off. Not now. Now he stood in front of Bobby, leaning over to get in his space, expression straight and eyes dilated and hands at his sides. This was the anger that Hanbin utilized to get in your head and beat you to a bloody pulp from the inside out. Hanbin only yelled when he lost control. He spoke at a steady but urgent pace now, kicked up by adrenaline, necessary defense to bite back. Hanbin was in control now.

Catching the tail-end of what was most likely a provocation, Bobby spat, “You got _nothing_ on me _!_ ”

Hanbin said, “You’re a disappointment. You have no one here to be proud of you.”

“FUCK YOU, YOU’RE NOTHING! YOU AIN’T GOT SHIT ON ME AND YOU KNOW IT, BITCH!”

Jinhwan pushed Junhoe, startling him into action. Jinhwan ran in front of Bobby, Junhoe ran behind Hanbin to pull him back.

“You know what you are and I know what you are, you fucking waste. Would you be proud of you for this shit? Would _you_ be proud of you ** _?_** ”

Bobby kicked his legs, all but losing his mind. Junhoe jerked backwards, pulling Hanbin back with him.

Jinhwan said, “Hanbin, shut the fuck up, your dad doesn’t love you more just because he bought you a Gucci bag. And you,” he turned to Bobby, “shut up, just shut up in general.”

Junhoe felt Hanbin’s hot skin through his shirt, his pounding heart. He felt something break inside Hanbin when Jinhwan scolded him.

Calm enough now to be on his own, Bobby yanked his arms out of Joonkyung’s grasp. Joonkyung muttered something like _thank God…_ and walked away, hands on the back of his neck. Jinhwan moved towards Bobby but Bobby roughly shoved him back.

“ ** _HEY!_** ” Junhoe barked.

Everyone turned to him, startled. Junhoe swallowed and looked down.

Hanbin caught his breath, whispered, “Thank you.”

Junhoe said nothing.

“I know that wasn’t for me,” Hanbin continued. “Thank you.”

Junhoe looked at Hanbin, but Hanbin looked at Jinhwan’s shoes. In Junhoe’s peripheral vision, he saw a scared look on Bobby’s face; not startled, _afraid_.

Hanbin whispered, “Don’t worry anymore. It’s done now. It’s over.”

Bobby looked down, almost disappointed in himself. His jacket hung off one shoulder, hair in his face, pout on his lips. He looked like he was wilting.

Jinhwan and Junhoe separated the two and made sure they had separate rides home. They rejoined their group, tried to get away with explaining as little as possible. Junhoe was still too shaken up to talk about it.

How could they hate each other so much? Where did two good people even find that much material with which to hate each other? What Hanbin said was not true, Bobby _did_ have plenty of people to be proud of him. The two were probably just making shit up by now.

At home, Jinhwan sat on Junhoe’s bed in their shared room. Jinhwan asked, “Hey, you okay?”

Under the blankets, Junhoe nodded. He would be fine. It was just an emotionally taxing night.

Jinhwan gently stroked Junhoe’s hair. “It’s going to be okay,” Jinhwan said.

True to Hanbin’s word, when Show Me the Money ended, Bobby and Hanbin never interacted 1 on 1 again.

-❣-

Days after the Instagram Heart incident (Junhoe was not sure how to refer to it), Jinhwan walked into Junhoe’s room and shut the door. Junhoe looked up from the album jacket he was reading to see him. Jinhwan looked slightly nervous, but more determined.

“Yes?” Junhoe asked.

“Can you shut off the music?” Jinhwan asked.

Ah, so this was serious. Junhoe turned off his music player and plopped back into bed, bouncing where he sat down. He gave Jinhwan a smile to beckon him over. Cautiously, Jinhwan crawled onto the bed and settled down beside him.

He immediately fixed Junhoe with one of those soft and sparkly gazes. “Junhoe, I need to bring up a very personal subject.”

Junhoe blinked in surprise, but nodded. The two had no secrets between them.

Jinhwan continued, “About a year ago, we were talking about Lee Jongsuk, and I said, ‘Junhoe, I say I like Jongsuk because I am attracted to boys. If that makes you uncomfortable, I understand.’ And you replied, almost defensively, ‘Of course I don’t mind! I like boys too.’ Do you remember that?”

Junhoe remembered such a conversation. He nodded.

“Were you telling the truth?”

That threw him a little. He scrunched his eyebrows. “Why would I lie about that?”

“I don’t know the boundaries of your narcissistic complex,” Jinhwan said. “You could have said it in the heat of the moment to take attention away from me.”

Junhoe was intrigued. “How would that take attention away from you?”

Jinhwan shrugged, “I don’t know, not letting me have the spotlight? You’re better looking, you actually have a chance with him. You sounded so defensive!”

Junhoe held out his palms and shrugged. He seriously did not know why he suddenly got so passionate about liking boys in the moment. It had all happened so fast.

“Okay, so you like boys. Okay. That’s cleared up.”

“Is the conversation over?”

Jinhwan took a deep breath. “No, not even close.”

Junhoe settled back down and got comfortable.

Jinhwan continued, “I wasn’t sure… I wasn’t sure how you couldn’t tell, but I guess I wasn’t being obvious enough. A few nights ago, when we were hanging out and playing with my private Insta… I tried to kiss you.”

Junhoe’s jaw dropped. _Oh my god._ That made sense. It just did not make sense that it happened to _him,_ with his _best friend._

Jinhwan nodded. “Yeah… I like you, and I thought you knew.”

“How would I know?!” Junhoe demanded. “Nothing has changed at all between us!”

Jinhwan raised his eyebrows. “Nothing?”

“We’ve been acting this way for three years!”

“You don’t...” Jinhwan bit his lip. “Ah… you don’t feel the same.”

“About what?”

“…About me.”

“No, wait,” Junhoe turned his body more to face Jinhwan. “No, I do, I do like you. I think I do. I just couldn’t tell because we act the same as always.”

“I thought it was more of a change in feelings, you know?” Jinhwan asked. “I thought you would feel it too. I… I… _want_ you now.”

Junhoe did not love the implication there that he was not wanted _before_ , but hey, Junhoe had not even known he fancied Jinhwan until this moment, so he let that slide for now.

“Sorry,” Junhoe said. “I’m inexperienced.”

Jinhwan laughed. “There’s no need to worry about that now. You’ll get experience.” He wiggled his eyebrows. Junhoe did not get the implication.

“Ah…” Junhoe shyly looked down. “This is actually my first confession.”

“What?!” Jinhwan demanded. “You’re not serious.”

“I mean, my first real confession, not from fans,” Junhoe elaborated. “I was weird in high school. Hanbin told me I was like the human form of the moon emoji.”

Jinhwan laughed. It naturally made Junhoe smile. “Ah… actually, there is still the same feeling there. You’re just handsome now.”

Affronted, Junhoe said, “I’ve always been handsome!”

“This is so romantic,” Jinhwan said. “We _both_ like you.”

Junhoe laughed, letting go of his defensiveness. For now. “Ah… I like you too, don’t worry.”

“I’m not worried,” Jinhwan smiled. “I should have shown my feelings better. You’re so awkward, I should have been more forward. I’ll be more forward now.”

Jinhwan placed his hand at the top of Junhoe’s thigh. Junhoe’s breath hitched. “What’s this?”

Jinhwan tilted his head to the side, made that same expression as he did a few nights ago… Oh! Kissing! That’s what was going on! Junhoe almost broke their noses as he slammed his face against Jinhwan’s, and only avoided that because Jinhwan had the good sense to turn his head at a quick fuckin’ 90 degree angle and bash his head against the headboard. Junhoe was kind of in the zone right now, though, and kept going at him. He placed his hand on the back of Jinhwan’s head to soothe him. Jinhwan recovered.

They kissed, Jinhwan’s hands on Junhoe’s jaw, sturdily holding him in place. Junhoe followed the motions of Jinhwan’s lips. Junhoe breathed through his nose, but suddenly, Jinhwan broke away with a gasp of air. Perhaps Junhoe had been going too hard if the other boy could not even breathe. Junhoe almost apologized, but thought better of it.

“June…” Jinhwan breathed out. So the head injury must not have been critical. Or maybe it was, Junhoe could not quite read the signs of brain trauma _or_ attraction. Jinhwan dove back in and relocated his hand on Junhoe’s groin. Junhoe squeaked and jumped away. Jinhwan, in response, mirrored the abrupt action.

“June?” Jinhwan asked, and brushed his bangs back. “What?”

“I thought we were just kissing!” Junhoe said.

“Oh…” Jinhwan rubbed his hands over his face. “I’m sorry, I really thought I could read you by now…”

“You want to…” Junhoe swallowed. “Do _that_ with me? Now?”

“Of course I do,” Jinhwan said. He scrunched his eyebrows. “I like you, why wouldn’t I want you?”

The bulb flicked on at light-speed; Jinhwan _wanted_ him. Jinhwan wanted his body for sex. _Oh my god._

He forgot he would probably have to face this one day. It was just— this was _Jinhwan_! He was so unfamiliar with this behaviour between the two of them, so thrown by this change of pace. He had been in the mindset for so long that this was his work family, and he was so wrapped up in his career, too. Junhoe was afraid of this question, of this idea. He was not ready to face it. He really should have researched better…

Jinhwan deflated. “You don’t want to do that with me.”

No, he didn’t, but did that mean he did not like Jinhwan after all?

No, of course not. Of course he liked Jinhwan. It was all just impersonal still! It was all new! They had to date a little bit first to build the interest! They could not just rush into those types of feelings. This was not a porno and Junhoe was not there to fix the copier. They had to work at this!

“Not yet,” Junhoe said. “I… I _must_ still like you though, right?! I want to hold your hand and make you smile!”

Jinhwan, at that, broke into a light laugh. “And you couldn’t care enough about anyone else to do that for them, right?”

“Right!” Junhoe confirmed. If there was sarcasm in Jinhwan’s tone, he did not catch it. “You’re special to me!”

In the low light, Junhoe saw Jinhwan’s cheeks darken from orange to pink, like a sunset. Jinhwan was poetry gold just waiting to happen.

Jinhwan held Junhoe’s hand. Junhoe laced their fingers together.

“You’re special to me too,” Jinhwan said. “Don’t worry, we’ll take it slow.”

Junhoe’s eyes widened.

“I mean!” Jinhwan corrected, “I mean, we can take as long as you want. To start!” Jinhwan laughed. “I mean we don’t have to start now! We can start whenever you’re ready! Wow, you’re right, talking is hard!”

Junhoe could not help but laugh along with him.

-❣-

The few months that passed since Jinhwan and Junhoe got together were good. Their days were full of coffee dates and green tea, of convenience store snacks hidden scandalously under their jackets, of playing around in between practice and stealing kisses in empty rooms when no one was around to police them. It was Jinhwan growing into this new role as a leader, diligently getting advice from anyone who knew better, and Junhoe supporting his boyfriend, eyes aglow with pride as he watched Jinhwan grow. (Not physically though, of course, as his boyfriend was a biological short-stack.) It was one night spent in a community park so liberating and thrilling that Junhoe needed to spend the next day meditating to regulate his heart rate. Jinhwan laughed with him and kissed him slow and never pushed. They were happy and Junhoe almost could not believe they were pulling this off.

Junhoe also learned a bit more about Jinhwan’s dating past. So, Hanbin, huh? That was okay. Junhoe could not fathom a single reason why that would not be okay, actually. The fact that they had both moved on so cleanly was very admirable too. It was hard to believe at first, yeah, but he only needed a few hours for the shock to settle. Junhoe hoped the friendships he valued were that solid. There was no jealousy or uncertainty. There was only them and everywhere they would go from their start.

They did not talk about Junhoe’s past relationships. There was nothing to discuss. There was something more to discuss but Junhoe never brought it up. He did not like what he learned about himself. He kept perfectly silent.

“Junhoe,” Jinhwan started the conversation in _that_ tone of voice, and Junhoe knew he was in for a doozy.

The silence broke.

Junhoe froze with his hand on the doorknob. “Did I forget something?”

“No,” Jinhwan said. He sat with his hands in his lap. “Well… yes. You forgot me.”

Junhoe turned around to face his boyfriend.

Jinhwan continued, “Junhoe… it’s been a few months, and we haven’t even talked about sex yet.”

And there it was.

Junhoe took a deep breath in, let it out. “I’ve been avoiding it.”

Jinhwan looked up, surprised.

Junhoe sighed irritably and said, “We’re adults, right? Let’s just talk about it. I’ve been avoiding the topic because I don’t want to have sex.” And now his heart was absolutely racing from fear.

Jinhwan’s eyelashes fluttered, and he looked down. His breathing faltered. “You don’t want me?”

Junhoe’s breath caught in his throat like fabric. He choked on it. He cleared his throat, coughed it out, swallowed past the dryness. He had really been dreading this. He hoped Jinhwan would understand.

“We should talk about it,” Junhoe said.

And they talked about it, just like that. Like it was easy. Jinhwan made it easy somehow.

And they were okay.

-❣-

The month of May turned into the month of June. They walked side by side, heading home from the café, sipping from the cups of fruit tea in their hands. Junhoe stirred his straw around the orange fruit jelly in his cup and wondered.

“Do you like it?” he asked.

Jinhwan looked at him, eyes wide and eyebrows raised, lips wrapped around the straw in the cup. Junhoe’s heart skipped a beat. He looked very cute, but also very reminiscent. Junhoe had decided he was ready, and they finally did the sex thing a few nights ago. Junhoe had honestly had himself all worked up over nothing. It was not easy, but certainly not a big deal. People really overhyped it, in his opinion. And they only did dick and mouth stuff, but when they did do butt stuff, Junhoe thought it would just be something he had to get used to. Junhoe was a go-getter. He liked the sex thing, even if he was not particularly inclined to do it. It was just a thing they did that made them happy.

Anyway, Junhoe clued back into the present moment as Jinhwan responded, “Of course! It’s yummy.”

Junhoe was glad, but that was more of an intro question. Maybe it was just a cover-up question for _‘Do you like me?_ ’ Junhoe nodded. He stirred his orange jelly and Jinhwan stirred his red jelly.

Junhoe mustered up the courage to ask, “Is it good?”

Jinhwan quirked a brow. “June, I like the drink, I said that.”

“I know,” Junhoe said. He choked out, “I know, but… am **_I_** good?”

Jinhwan’s expression fell into something confused. Junhoe pouted and looked down.

“Junhoe.”

It was a call for his attention. Junhoe looked back up.

Jinhwan said, “Of course you’re good. You’re good like this fruit jelly.” He smiled.

Junhoe did not smile. He patted his tummy. He was not out of shape, but… honestly, he had been afraid of Jinhwan saying something about his jelly, because he was not entirely confident in it. With a face like his it had just never been a priority, so… his body was admittedly lacking. Strong and healthy, but lacking. “Should I get abs?”

Jinhwan laughed, but it was more of a comforting sound. “You don’t have to do that for me. Only do what you want to do with your body.”

Junhoe insisted, “It would be sexy if I had abs, right?”

Jinhwan pursed his lips and tilted his head in thought. “Mm, theoretically, abs are hot. But it’s hot for me to just see your body. It’s hot for you to give that to me, you know?” A blush dusted his cheeks, slowly collecting into a darker shade of pink.

Junhoe processed that while Jinhwan pinkened. Finally, he responded, “Is it hard for you to see boys without clothes on, then? Like, is swimming difficult if someone good looking is there?”

Jinhwan giggled and said, “No, it also depends on atmosphere.”

“Hm?”

“You know,” Jinhwan moved his drink around to demonstrate something, “the feeling of the situation. There has to be a sexy mood. Or else we would just be popping boners all the time in public. Other parts of the body are sexy too, like legs, arms, necks… you have a really nice neck, for example. I wouldn’t be able to go outside if arousal was not mood-dependent.”

Junhoe stroked the column of his neck. He did have a nice neck. “That makes sense. I don’t really understand what you mean, but you sound right.”

Jinhwan gently nudged Junhoe as they walked alongside each other. Junhoe could tell he had made the smaller man bashful. It was really cute. Junhoe could not believe some of the things his gnome of a boyfriend could do under the sheets.

Junhoe watched Jinhwan stir the ruby red treat in his cup and wondered.

-❣-

On his day off Junhoe entered the dorm like a whirlwind and slammed the door behind him. He carried his heavy body to the bedroom and flopped down in bed with the all the grace of a natural phenomenon.

Jinhwan walked in after him with a little laugh. “So how is he?”

Face first into the mattress, Junhoe said, “Horrible. More horrible than just his personality.”

Jinhwan laughed, and Junhoe rolled onto his back. “Seriously,” Junhoe complained, “I was just bringing him a lunchbox so he wouldn’t starve to death and he ended up complaining for three hours!”

Bobby had recently dropped a diss track on Hanbin, which meant Hanbin was in the studio preparing his retaliation and would not rest until it was perfect. They seemed to care a lot about each other considering they talked so much about not caring about each other.

“You know how he gets,” Jinhwan said with a smile. “Did he eat?”

“Angrily,” Junhoe confirmed. “I think most of it ended up in pieces around the room like explosion residue.” It was not so bad, though. Jinhwan would hear in Junhoe’s tone if it was really bad. This was just the routine pre-retaliation angst. Hanbin took out most of his anger on his keyboard anyway.

Jinhwan nodded. “Kids. What are we going to do with them?”

“We should do group counseling,” Junhoe suggested again.

Jinhwan snorted. “And if they kill each other in the process?”

“Then so be it,” Junhoe insisted. “Put them out of their misery. Put me out of my misery at least!” He gestured to himself. “Their whining isn’t even funny anymore. Why would I care about Bobby’s face? Hanbin says he looks like he welded a Phantom of the Opera mask to his face, probably to hide his shame. If you ask me, Hanbin spends too much time looking at his enemy’s face!”

Jinhwan sighed and crossed his arms. “They are a little too obsessed with each other.”

“Are they, though?” Junhoe prompted. “Does Hanbin even know Jiwon’s real name?!”

Jinhwan laughed and plopped onto the bed. “You make a very good point.”

“Aish,” Junhoe rubbed his head. “Their bitching gives me a headache. Come on, let’s make coffee or something.”

“We can make coffee,” Jinhwan said. “I could make you feel better another way, though, if you’re all done venting.”

Junhoe would probably vent more about it later. His attention span had timed out for now. “Uh, I’m done for now. What other way?”

Jinhwan tugged gently on Junhoe’s waistband. As always, Junhoe’s lips parted in shock. He was never quite expecting it.

“Oh…” Junhoe said. “I don’t… I don’t really feel like, you know… doing it today…”

Jinhwan had an unreadable look in his eyes. He spoke seductively. “You don’t feel like… getting your ass kicked on Dance Dance Revolution at the arcade?”

Junhoe gasped. Jinhwan let Junhoe’s waistband snap against his hip with a positively _smug_ grin on his cheeks.

Junhoe sputtered, “You – you’re not _THAT_ good— **!** ”

Jinhwan stretched his neck and said, “Ah, it’s really anyone’s game, June-yah. _Tsk_ , what would Michael Jackson think of you?”

At with that, it was on. Junhoe practically chased Jinhwan to the arcade while Jinhwan sprinted ahead of him in a fit of manic laughter.

(Jinhwan was caught on the sidewalk and Junhoe dragged him into the car. His unfortunately tiny legs did him in.)

-❣-

“Alright everyone, settle down,” Yunhyeong instructed. “I will be leading this meeting, so let’s get started.” He uncapped his pen and placed it on the paper. “Our dear friends Bobby and Hanbin were just put in a unit. We have all agreed to place bets on how they will become friends. Your bet will be recorded in this notebook that will be placed in a secret location and only taken out for meetings.”

Sitting around the living room, the others members of Healing nodded.

“Okay,” Yunhyeong said. “I bet that Bobby and Hanbin will simply become friends with time.”

“Time?” Jinhwan raised an eyebrow, and Junhoe was inclined to agree with that tone. “What do you mean by that? We have to be specific.”

“I think they will naturally become comfortable with each other,” Yunhyeong said. “No talking it out, just friendship.” He wrote something down in the notebook.

“Make sure you write it specific,” Donghyuk said. Yunhyeong nodded.

“I bet,” Donghyuk went next, “that Bobby is going to apologize.”

“What?!” Jinhwan and Yunhyeong demanded. Junhoe and Chanwoo shared a look of pure disbelief.

“Hear me out,” Donghyuk said. “Bobby is a Christian. God will shame the apology out of him. Trust me, I’ve seen his eyes water in church.”

“So?” Jinhwan stepped in. “Hanbin won’t forgive him.”

“Yes he will,” Donghyuk insisted, “because the only thing Hanbin craves more than power is genuine human companionship.”

A chorus of ‘ _ooo…_ ’ sounded from the company, who were all clearly considering that point.

Yunhyeong pointed the pen at Donghyuk and said, “That is a very compelling point. However, I still think Father Time will sort out this tension.”

Donghyuk shrugged complacently and said, “Suit yourself.” Yunhyeong wrote Donghyuk’s bet down.

“I’ll go next,” Jinhwan said. “I think they’ll talk it out, because if I have learned anything over the years, it’s that Bobby and Hanbin _love_ to talk about each other.”

“And we all know what they _love_ to talk about,” Donghyuk pointed out, “so how could that _possibly_ make them friends?”

“They’ll slip up,” Jinhwan said surely. “They will accidentally talk it out while they’re insulting each other. They made up half the things they hate about each other anyway. They’ll be forced to talk out their mistakes because they’re not going to let each other get away with them.”

The company again agreed that was a very good point, but they were not swayed. Yunhyeong wrote down Jinhwan’s bet.

“I think the same thing,” Junhoe said. “Put that down for me too.”

“Piggybacking off your boyfriend?” Donghyuk scoffed. “Easy points.”

“No, actually,” Jinhwan said, “Junhoe and I talk about this every few months. We talked it out and came to this conclusion about a year ago, and our opinion has not changed since.”

Arms crossed and leaning back on the couch, Junhoe confirmed, “We’re going to split the prize money.”

“You guys are so cute together,” Yunhyeong said. He wrote down their bets.

“And last but not least,” Jinhwan said, and everyone looked to the remaining member, “our Chanu-yah. What do you think, maknae?”

Chanwoo shrugged, then said, “They’re gonna have sex.”

Jaws dropped, and loud protests were hurled in his direction. Chanwoo was not affected. Donghyuk demanded that Chanwoo explain himself. Chanwoo elaborated, “You should hear some of the things Hanbin hyung tells me. I think I’ve repressed the worst of it. They’re handsome, and it’s going to become sexual tension.”

“Not necessarily,” Junhoe muttered, and he tried not to sound too defensive.

Luckily, no one caught the defensiveness, they just agreed with him. Chanwoo continued, “The subtext is there. I really think they need to bone it out. I mean, look at their last two diss tracks. Hanbin hyung was all like, ‘I don’t want a Barbie doll’, and Bobby hyung was all like ‘I bet you do want a Barbie doll actually, you think I’m pretty and know I’m pretty too’.”

Junhoe interjected, “I think that’s paraphrasing a little.”

Chanwoo finished, “Even _they_ acknowledge that they find each other handsome! You see?”

A few members came around, Junhoe included. He was not sold on that, though. He was still cleaning blood out of his ears from Hanbin’s rant on Bobby’s _‘I’m confident’_ line. If it were Junhoe in Bobby’s position, he certainly would not trust Hanbin with his penis. Sure they alluded to attraction, but it just seemed like provocation. They would not really abandon their dignity and actually do something about that attraction.

Jinhwan said, “That bet is invalid anyway. We’re betting on how they become _friends_.”

Chanwoo easily replied, “You never said there couldn’t be benefits.”

The company was astonished. Junhoe pointed to Chanwoo and said, “Game-changer.”

“Actually,” Donghyuk said, “change my answer. Chanwoo is right, their tension very well could be sexual.”

“Not with how they went after each other’s families,” Yunhyeong frowned and shook his head. “Donghyuk, I would stick with your first answer. Those two are very loyal.”

“Consider this,” Chanwoo said. “They apologize but it doesn’t make them friends. Then that gives them an excuse to have sex, and then they realize they can’t stay away from each other, because Hanbin hyung has his pathological issues with affection, and Bobby hyung… well, two things, one: he’s obsessed with true love, and two: he’s too awkward to find anyone else. So they will become friends with benefits to cope.”

Jinhwan mumbled, “We’re getting too into this…”

“That settles it!” Donghyuk slammed his palm down on air. “Change my bet! Chanwoo, we’re in this together now.” He walked over to Chanwoo and they high-fived.

“We’re splitting the winnings 70/30 because it was my idea,” Chanwoo said.

Donghyuk squawked, “No way! You just thought of it first!”

“60/40.”

“Sold.”

They shook on it. The bets were placed. “That concludes our first meeting,” Yunhyeong announced. “The notebook will be kept in a drawer in Junhoe and Jinhwan hyung’s room for safekeeping. If you fear that Bobby or Hanbin are getting too close to it, guard it with your life. See you all in six months or at the next meeting if one is called early.”

The rest of the group began to file out. Jinhwan and Junhoe shared a look that just said _this is going to be an interesting six months._

-❣-

Hanbin was being all weird today. He was not saying much, not poking at Junhoe with any sly jabs, nor with his physical, dainty little baby fingers. He was being completely un-annoying today and the peace was getting under Junhoe’s skin. Something tick-like was gnawing at him.

Junhoe, after not speaking for about a minute, asked, “No pointers?”

“Hm?” Hanbin looked up from Junhoe’s hands. “No, you’re doing fine.”

Junhoe paused, then dropped his hands from the instrument. He could not create under these conditions. He faced Hanbin with a sigh. “Okay, you’re not even trying to be fun today. What’s wrong?”

“Fun?” Hanbin queried. “I thought you wanted to learn.”

“I do,” Junhoe insisted, “but… I can’t just pretend that everything is okay. The atmosphere is awkward.”

Hanbin shook his head. “Just Bobby stuff.”

Junhoe frowned and stared him down. “You’re not usually like this about Bobby stuff.”

“What does it matter to you?”

Junhoe looked down. He gave a weak shrug with one shoulder.

Junhoe was not the type to get into Hanbin’s personal business. They talked about what they needed to, sometimes even what they wanted to, but on their own terms. They would never be judged for it, like, on an emotional level, even though everything was joke material for a later date when the pain subsided, but still, they only ever talked about what they chose to talk about. Junhoe did not feel comfortable forcing Hanbin to get into it, but Junhoe thought this might be one of those things Hanbin was bottling up. He did not want it to rupture and bleed and drown Hanbin in his own dumb throat. He did not want Hanbin to hurt himself, not again, not ever again.

Junhoe said, “I don’t want you to get bad again.”

Junhoe did not need to specify the time he was talking about. The result of WIN was literally etched into Hanbin’s skin. Junhoe thought that the magnitude of the event on his life made references to it obvious.

Hanbin ran a hand through his hair and rested his head in his palm. “We had a fight recently, and then he caught Yeobo and I together… it’s just at the point of no return for us, honestly.”

Junhoe blinked. Unless Bobby had a lover now… “His cat?”

“Yes, I love her.”

Junhoe blinked again. “Is this… a weird thing, Hanbin?”

“ _You’re_ a weird thing,” Hanbin rebutted. “I was just cuddling her… but he walked in and saw, and it was just… it was just awkward, you know.”

Junhoe scrunched his eyebrows, then relaxed, a small smile tugging at the corner of his lips. Hanbin was teasing him again. There was hope for this guy yet.

“Ah.” Junhoe asked, “What did he say to you in the fight?”

Hanbin shook his head. “Usual things.”

Junhoe swallowed dryly. “I didn’t know you care about what he says. You should ask Jinhwan—”

“Don’t tell Jinhwan,” Hanbin sharply cut him off, and Junhoe was actually startled, words caught in his throat. “And I _don’t_ care.”

Junhoe froze, lips still parted. He swallowed. So that was defensive. He completed his thought, “I was just going to suggest, you could ask Jinhwan to make Bobby back off. And I would give hyung the same advice if this was happening to him, so don’t get weird and defensive about it.”

“This isn’t primary school, Junhoe,” Hanbin said. “You’re the only one still at that level.”

Junhoe scoffed. “You order chocolate milk in cafés.”

“It’s hot chocolate!” Hanbin argued. “It’s a specialty drink. It’s like a milkshake.”

“It’s a specialty drink for toddlers.”

“ _You’re_ a toddler!”

“ ** _You’re_** a toddler!”

They started swiping and hitting at each other’s bodies. In the middle of the altercation, Junhoe broke down in laughter, and Hanbin soon followed.

But Junhoe was not freed of his concern just yet.

-❣-

Junhoe and Hanbin went out to eat together, and then Junhoe brought Hanbin back to his dorm. Junhoe insisted it was not to be nice, rather to finish their most recent argument. They did argue! He was not lying entirely. Hanbin said he would let Junhoe say whatever would help him sleep at night. Whatever, at least Hanbin was home safe. It had taken all the strength in Junhoe to shove his hands in his pockets and not carry the older boy back to his dorm. The fact that being carried would have made Hanbin super embarrassed made containing himself even more difficult, but Junhoe could not appear so eager to please. People might start expecting things of him, like, _emotional_ things, which was more than he knew how to handle. He would have to read a goddamn self-help book by that point, which, no, not on his watch. Hanbin could walk (and Junhoe could walk right behind him, vigilantly acting as his bodyguard).

“Hey,” Hanbin pat Junhoe’s shoulder. “You actually did well tonight. You’re getting better at composing!”

Junhoe scoffed to draw attention away from the satisfied blush on his cheeks. “You’re just trying to get in my pants.”

Hanbin laughed. “Well, your looks are all you have.”

There was his Bin! His beloved Garbage Bin. Junhoe flicked his imaginary long hair off his shoulder. “I thought you were different, Kim Hanbin.”

Hanbin leaned on the door in a ‘cool’ pose, and Junhoe hoped he was _trying_ to look like a doofus. “All men are wolves, Junhoe. You’re just a piece of meat to me.”

Junhoe gasped. “I am worth more than my body!”

“But I like your body,” Hanbin wiggled his eyebrows. He grabbed at Junhoe’s waist, tickling him into submission and pushing him up again the door. Junhoe laughed wildly and tried to push Hanbin away. “I can’t keep my hands off of you!”

Junhoe slapped his face, a little too hard to be flirty, but only meant to be playful. He dramatically cried, “ _Aish, you pervert!_ ”

Hanbin stopped tickling him. His smile faltered, fell along with his hands. Junhoe noticed immediately, smile slipping off his own face. He brought his hand up to touch Hanbin’s cheek. They played like this all the time… Junhoe must have let his excitement get the best of him.

He worriedly asked, “Did I hurt you?”

Hanbin shook his head, moving out of Junhoe’s hold. Junhoe retracted his hand. Hanbin said, “Nah, it’s just— I guess it’s still an open wound.”

Junhoe pouted his lips in curiosity. “What?”

“You know,” Hanbin said flippantly, “from the fight.”

It took Junhoe a moment, but he got it, and gasped when he did. His heart burst into flames. He urgently whispered, “Did he _hit_ you?!”

Hanbin’s jaw dropped. Oh _fuck_ no. Hanbin quickly whispered back, “I hit him first.” Oh **_FUCK_** no. “Please, **_please_** do not tell Jinhwan, or Donghyuk. Don’t tell _anyone!_ ”

Junhoe pushed Hanbin to the side, away from the dormitory door for some privacy. He whispered, “Why did you hit him?! I mean, how did it come to this?”

Hanbin sighed. “We kind of got into it, verbally, and then Bobby grabbed me, and… I don’t even know, I think we tripped over each other, and the next thing I knew we were fighting. It wasn’t even that bad, we were mostly trying to get away from each other actually. I’m not even hurt.”

Junhoe must have looked like a fuckin’ lemur based on how bad his eyes were burning. Hanbin pet Junhoe’s face to placate him. “June, I promise, it’s fine. We don’t want the guys to find out and make a huge deal about it. Don’t tell anyone, okay? Please. For all we know, they already know we fought. They’re expecting this. We don’t need to give them permission to scold us for it.”

Of course everyone was expecting it. It was like living at the bottom of a volcano – everybody knew it could go Krakatoa at any moment, but everyone kinda just hoped it wouldn’t.

Eventually, Junhoe calmed down and nodded. He trusted that Hanbin knew what was best for himself in this situation. He was a leader after all, he always knew what to do. Even if he knew nothing about anything else in the world (likely), he knew what was best for the group, Junhoe would always believe that. “I won’t tell.”

“Thank you.” Hanbin dropped his hand.

With a serious furrow in his eyebrows, because he was in serious mode now, Junhoe asked, “Who started it?”

“Bobby,” Hanbin said, as though that should be obvious. And that also sounded a little defensive. Just as soon as he said it though, he took it back. “Actually… it was both of us. It was a misunderstanding.”

Satisfied with that, Junhoe’s eyebrows loosened. He hovered for a moment, unsure of himself. This was a lot of emotion for one night.

Finally, Junhoe submitted to his grabby hands and wrapped Hanbin up in an awkward hug. Hanbin fully embraced him back. Junhoe relaxed at that, dropping his face onto Hanbin’s shoulder and squeezing him tight. He squeezed and hoped there was enough sap in this sappy ass, rom-com shitfuck of a Kodak moment to secure Hanbin’s fractured pieces together. Junhoe felt Hanbin’s heart beat against Junhoe’s ribcage as though it was trying to get in.

They stood like that for a hearty few seconds. It was warm and reassuring, and Junhoe needed this, needed to do something to help his best friend. Junhoe had so much love in his heart and a really awkward and easily misconstrued way of showing it. He needed to be understood this time.

“Let go,” Hanbin said, “before someone sees.”

Snapped back to reality, Junhoe pushed Hanbin away and straightened out his own jacket. His eyes scanned the area for onlookers. No displays of weakness permitted on Junhoe’s premises.

Hanbin shook his head and smiled. Junhoe’s lips pulled upward; he could not help that. In a serious tone, Hanbin said, “If you’re ever nice to me again, I’ll throw up on you.”

Junhoe scrunched his nose and sneered. He said ‘I love you’, but it came out as, “If I’m ever nice to you again, I’ll throw up on you first.”

Hanbin smiled. “Good plan.”

Junhoe scoffed and headed towards the elevator. He pushed the button. “I always have good plans.”

Hanbin scoffed right back. “Yeah, because washing your toilet phone was such a good plan.”

Junhoe was a grown ass man and perfectly capable of admitting to his faults, but Hanbin just released his catapult, and they were back at war.

-❣-

He managed to get through practice without the other guys bitching about Bobby and Hanbin, but at the end, when Donghyuk checked his phone, the inevitable happened. These dweebs just could not mind their own dweeb business.

Donghyuk said, “They keep saying they’re fine, but I know they’re not. The lack of detail is disconcerting.”

The others participated in the casual conversation, but Junhoe bailed out. He could not get involved in this right now. He was the secret keeper, the bearer of the truth. It was a heavy burden to carry, but it would be heavier if he had ever participated in these conversations anyway. He really only ever called Hanbin an idiot and avoided the names ‘Bobby’ and ‘Jiwon’ altogether, with the occasional clever remark about rap battling the sexual tension away, and some kind of relationship counseling led by Jinhwan and Kim Jinwoo and their friend Pooh the stress bear. Fuck, Junhoe could not even internally monologue this shit out of his concern. He had to get out fast.

“Junhoe?” Jinhwan asked the boy in question as he started heading to the door. “Where you going?”

“Home,” Junhoe said.

“Wait, Junhoe,” Donghyuk said. “Don’t you find it weird they won’t tell us anything? It’s not like they’ve ever been quiet about how much they hate each other. They’re like angry Furbies when you leave them alone for too long.”

Junhoe kept his mouth shut and shrugged. Jinhwan and Yunhyeong were starting to look like his parental unit, though, so that broke him. He sighed. “They said they’re fine,” Junhoe shrugged again. “If they are fine then there’s not much for them to tell, right?”

Everyone blinked at that. They definitely noticed the change in demeanor. Did everyone take some intro to psychology course and forget to tell Junhoe about it? He could not even bear to look at his boyfriend.

“Junhoe?” Jinhwan repeated. “What’s wrong?”

It was not Jinhwan’s concern, so Junhoe just said that nothing was wrong. No one looked convinced. He sighed and shook his head and left.

Jinhwan caught up to him later. He shut them both in the bathroom after their shower.

“Is something wrong?” Jinhwan repeated as he shook out his hair.

That was a very broad question. “There usually is something wrong.”

Unaffected, Jinhwan persisted, “Is this about Jiwon and Hanbin?”

Junhoe waited for a moment before responding. He checked himself out in the mirror, toweling at his jawbone. “Isn’t it usually?”

“Junhoe,” Jinhwan adopted a more serious tone, “did something happen when you visited Hanbin?”

“Something?” Junhoe asked. “You’ll have to be more specific.”

“If he upset you in any way, June,” Jinhwan persisted, “I will kick his ass, if that’s what it comes to.”

Junhoe rolled his eyes at that. Jinhwan said, “Don’t roll your eyes at me.” Junhoe looked to the wall and rolled his eyes at that too.

“I can fight my own battles,” Junhoe responded. “I wouldn’t care even if you’re a black belt in jiu-jitsu, you don’t have to baby me. I’m not a toddler.”

Jinhwan was quiet for a moment.

“Junhoe… you can talk to me about it, okay? Whatever you’re feeling, whatever happened… you know I won’t tell anyone what I know unless you tell me I can. I just want to help.”

Junhoe met his boyfriend’s eyes. They were soft, deep and inviting, and Junhoe could not even fathom how the light could hit onyx so brilliantly that he saw gold. Jinhwan just wanted to help. Jinhwan loved him. Junhoe knew he could tell Jinhwan anything.

He could, but he was not going to.

Because Jinhwan was his boyfriend. Underneath his empty title for the group was a person that Junhoe could only see as his equal.

“I have nothing to say to you,” Junhoe said, sternly.

“Junhoe,” Jinhwan coaxed, “I’m your boyfriend.”

“Right,” Junhoe said, “you’re my _boyfriend_.”

The repeated word was weighed down by Junhoe’s unspoken implication: _not my leader_. Jinhwan was the leader of Healing, but not of Junhoe. And in this moment Jinhwan learned that… but nah, Junhoe doubted that this was something Jinhwan was unaware of until now.

Junhoe had been sworn to secrecy. He could hear the silk in Jinhwan’s voice wrap around him already, promising him that Hanbin would never know if he discussed the secret anyway. But this was not about what Hanbin knew, this is about what Hanbin expected. Junhoe and Hanbin were best friends, but for Junhoe it was more than that. It was a loyalty that bound them by their wrists, a ribbon that had tightened until that final day of WIN, when Junhoe could only stand on stage because Hanbin was still standing.

There must have been a wild look in Junhoe’s eyes that scared Jinhwan to silence, but it was only one of many.

Junhoe started to walk out of the bathroom, but Jinhwan stopped him, gingerly wrapping his fingers around Junhoe’s bicep.

“Hey,” Jinhwan said, “you know you don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to, right? I just want to offer help. I just want you to know that I’m here, no matter what.”

Junhoe looked at him, swallowed. Nodded.

Jinhwan nodded back and dropped his hand. “We’re cuddling tonight.”

Junhoe scoffed a laugh. “Is that an order?”

“Mm-hm,” Jinhwan confirmed. “A command as your boyfriend.”

He had a feeling that Jinhwan had known before how Junhoe saw him, but that confirmed it. He ignored Jinhwan’s faltering smile.

-❣-

As the eldest hyung of their friend group, Winner excluded, and leader of Healing, Jinhwan often assumed the role of the caregiver without giving it much thought. At first he was mindful to, and then it became habit. Jinhwan just always seemed to be in control of everyone’s wellbeing. There were times he was more of a stand-in parent than a team member. It was not often that the kids were able to offer the same wholehearted attention to him.

Junhoe did get his moments, though.

Some time back in 2015, Junhoe used his newfound knowledge to demonstrate the importance of atmosphere. This was probably one of his and Junhoe’s favourite memories.

Jinhwan had spent time with Bobby on this day, listening to one of his songs, among a hundred other songs that sounded just like gnashing teeth and fork-tongued hisses. Like television static. And Bobby never had to say Hanbin’s name. He did not have to say the two syllables ‘ _Han-bin_ ’ anyway. Hanbin’s name was a lick of poison through fangs at this point and it sounded just the same.

When Bobby finished up his work, he let it go so the two could eat and hang out. Hanbin was almost a spirit though – a muse, Jinhwan realized. Hanbin’s phantom followed Bobby wherever he went, whether Bobby realized it or not. He was colder when the ball was in his corner.

Under his breath, Bobby murmured, “I can’t believe this bitch... I could have eaten him on Show Me The Money. I should have sent a message.”

He stared down at his bubbling soda and his food stood untouched. His thoughts must have been overflowing. Jinhwan sighed. He ate a forkful of salad and kicked Bobby under the table. Bobby startled to attention.

“No work at the table,” Jinhwan said. Bobby went quiet and ate his food.

It was an emotionally taxing day. They had scheduled a short day as they had been working long hours all week, but Jinhwan returned to the studio to practice his dancing. He needed something to do after lunch with Bobby, and he felt like he was falling behind anyway. Hanbin would never let that fly.

He dragged himself home that night after a few minutes of Junhoe’s prompting messages. He could not help the fluttering of his heart and the fond smile that crossed his lips at those messages. Junhoe was probably huffing and pouting as his big fingers lumbered over the keyboard on his phone. He was like one of those giant teddy bears you can get at gift stores. Jinhwan thought they were cute, but kind of sad-looking, lonely and too pretty to touch, until they had someone to cuddle them.

The house was dark and quiet by the time Jinhwan got home that night. As he moved through the house he heard people shuffling around in their bedrooms, the sound of quiet chatter and video game sound effects coming from Chanwoo’s. Jinhwan tapped on the doors to let the kids know it was time for either sleep or headphones. He then used the bathroom to wash up – he was planning on heading right to bed, Junhoe would understand if he did not immediately go to say hello.

Jinhwan took a shower, brushed his teeth, used a little rosewater he found in a bottle on the bathroom counter to make his wrists smell nice. It was next to a bottle of ylang ylang oil – must be stuff from Yunhyeong’s home apothecary. A little self-care never hurt.

In his towel he shuffled into the bedroom to change into his pajamas. When he entered, he gasped, a smile immediately taking over his whole face.

The room was dark save for the few candles lit and placed around the room. The scent of rose emanated from around the room, a few petals scattered around the floor (the rosewater must have boosted the smell), and a few roses were placed on the night table, with a bottle of wine. An ambient song played softly in the background. Junhoe, the final touch, was laid on the bed in a red bathrobe.

“ _Junhoe,_ ” Jinhwan laughed. “Is it my birthday?”

Junhoe, with a smile on his own face, said, “A few days ago, you told me about atmosphere. And I didn’t know what that meant, so I looked it up online…” Junhoe’s voice dissolved into laughter at the end of his sentence, eyes squished into crescents from the fullness of his smile. Jinhwan was laughing along with him.

He crawled into bed, let his towel fall to the floor. He plopped down beside Junhoe so they were lying side by side. “For me?”

“Of course it’s for you,” Junhoe said. “You give me everything I need, now I’m giving everything to you.”

Jinhwan made it abundantly clear that he only ever wanted to do the sexual activities that Junhoe was up for. They had gone all the way before, a few times, actually. Junhoe must have still seen Jinhwan’s contribution to the relationship as more than his. Jinhwan was more than happy to just have Junhoe, but this, admittedly, was really nice. It was a nice gesture, anyway, because Junhoe was way too adorable for Jinhwan to actually find this sexy. It figured that Jinhwan was too tired to be up for anything wild tonight.

“I’m… speechless,” Jinhwan said. “I don’t know what to say…”

Junhoe trailed his fingers down Jinhwan’s wrist and laced their fingers together. Junhoe said, “Say what you want me to do for you.”

A rivulet of rosewater ran down Jinhwan’s spine, electricity that hit his tailbone and dispersed throughout his body. And yeah, it went right to his dick. “You’re a natural, you know that? Can people just be born sexy?”

Junhoe tilted his head to consider that. “You’re dating a prime example, so…”

Jinhwan laughed. There was a fire in Junhoe’s eyes that Jinhwan could only imagine was a reflection of his own. Jinhwan held his hand tighter. “I’m actually really tired tonight,” Jinhwan said. “Let’s not do too much.”

“I could do you,” Junhoe offered. He had before, he grasped the gist of it quickly.

That was not the issue here. Unfortunately, Jinhwan had forgone douching for the last little while, as he and Junhoe usually _planned_ to do anal sex. Jinhwan said, “Ah, I haven’t cleaned myself in a few days. What!” Jinhwan defended again Junhoe’s _huff_. “It’s certainly not a priority with us! I didn’t know I was being surprised!”

Junhoe rolled his eyes, but the corner of his lips had settled in a lopsided smile. Jinhwan smiled back. He sat up, climbed on top of Junhoe and straddled him to the bed. “Let’s just play a little bit,” he said. “I wouldn’t want to mess up the atmosphere anyway.”

“It’s yours,” Junhoe said. His eyelashes fluttered, lids half-closed. “Do what you want with it.”

Jinhwan’s heart sped up. He opened Junhoe’s robe and splayed his hands across the boy’s chest. “Come on,” he said, “I want to see that sexy body.”

Junhoe laughed, brought his hands up to grab Jinhwan’s waist as Jinhwan pushed the fabric of his bathrobe aside. Junhoe even kicked his legs a little, though Jinhwan thought that was involuntary. _Cute_. Jinhwan untied the knot of the robe and lifted himself off of Junhoe for a moment to fully uncover his body. He bounced as he sat back down, and Junhoe let out a little ‘ _oof_ ’ sound, followed by a laugh.

“Don’t laugh,” Jinhwan laughed. “This is sexy.”

“Come here if you don’t want me to laugh, then,” Junhoe placed his hands on the bottom of Jinhwan’s neck and pulled.

Jinhwan repositioned himself against Junhoe, then leaned over him, lips falling over lips. Jinhwan rolled his hips down as Junhoe kissed him. Junhoe moved his hands into Jinhwan’s hair, fluffing it, entwining it around his fingers. It felt like a massage and Jinhwan moaned into the kiss. He thrust his hips down harder.

“Aish,” Junhoe pulled back from the kiss, teeth grazing Jinhwan’s lips. “You don’t even want to drink first?”

Jinhwan sighed. Hanbin swore that Jinhwan enjoyed a glass of wine more than a white suburban mom of three named Sophie, and Jinhwan was not entirely sure what that meant, but he agreed. He climbed off of Junhoe and sat upright, and Junhoe followed.

Jinhwan retrieved the bottle of wine. It was already uncorked, because Junhoe was a time-efficient man, and that got Jinhwan going. He asked, “Where are the glasses?”

Junhoe paused. “I think it’s sexier to just drink it from the bottle.”

“You forgot the glasses, right?”

“That’s right, and I am not going to get them.”

Jinhwan laughed, raised the bottle as a toast to Junhoe, and took a long drink. He handed the bottle off to Junhoe, and Junhoe did the same.

“I’m gonna be too relaxed to move my limbs when this hits me,” Jinhwan said, “so let’s do this.”

Junhoe handed the bottle back to Jinhwan – who took a second drink – and Jinhwan placed it back on the nightstand. He licked his lips and immediately jumped back onto Junhoe’s lap.

“Hey!” Junhoe stopped him. “There,” he nodded over to the bedside table. Jinhwan looked over to see the bottle of lube. He smiled, sighed, and went to retrieve it. In the time that passed, Junhoe lied back down on the bed.  

He squeezed a bit on to his hand and just threw the bottle on the unused pillow in case they needed it again later. Jinhwan wrapped his hand around Junhoe’s cock, stroked it slowly. Junhoe inhaled a sharp breath of air and dropped his head back, closing his eyes. Jinhwan adored him like this, adored giving him pleasure. He worked Junhoe up in long strokes, wrist twisting gently around the head. He brushed his thumb over the slit, then pumped him a few more times. He dropped Junhoe’s half hard cock onto his thigh to pay attention to his own cock.

“Here,” Junhoe said. He took the lube, squeezed a bit onto his hand and rubbed his fingers together to warm it. “My hands are bigger.”

Jinhwan blew a puff of air upward, causing his bangs to flutter. Junhoe giggled at him. Jinhwan, still pretending to be affronted, leaned over Junhoe again to kiss his jaw. Between them, Junhoe stroked both their cocks in his hand to the pace of Jinhwan’s slow movements. Jinhwan trailed kisses down Junhoe’s neck, and he felt Junhoe’s jaw drop open when he found a sensitive spot. Jinhwan’s hips jerked.

Nose pressed against Junhoe’s skin, Jinhwan inhaled the scent of him – chocolate and rose, like confectioner’s candy. There was a strong hint of something else though. “What’s that flowery smell, baby?”

“Ylang ylang,” Junhoe said. “It’s an aphrodisiac, right?”

He really did his research. Jinhwan was touched. He pressed a hard kiss against Junhoe’s neck, and another one on his cheek. Junhoe smiled, head still tilted and eyes closed. Jinhwan’s heart was ready to beat out of his chest. _His Junhoe_ , all for him.

“I love you,” Jinhwan whispered.

Junhoe turned his head. His eyes were open, smile mischievous but soft. “Ah,” he said, “so the ylang ylang is working.”

Jinhwan laughed and grabbed Junhoe’s face in both hands, kissed him hard. Junhoe dropped his own cock to wrap fully around Jinhwan, pumping him hard and kissing him back.

After a minute or so of that, Jinhwan edging closer, he stopped him. “No,” he said, breathless. “You come first. If I come first I won’t be able to finish you.”

“That’s okay,” Junhoe said.

“No it’s not,” Jinhwan said. “It’s not what I want.”

Junhoe nodded. He let go of Jinhwan’s cock.

Jinhwan trailed kisses all down Junhoe’s pretty body, right down to his thighs. He was sensitive there, almost as sensitive as he was on his neck. Jinhwan made sure to give him a few hard lovebites on the inside of both thighs.

Junhoe was stroking his own cock, but Jinhwan stopped him. He took hold of it and pumped him fast. He rubbed off any excess lube on Junhoe’s bathrobe, then wrapped his lips around the head and sucked.

Junhoe hissed and let out a satisfied sound. Jinhwan licked the slit of his cock and Junhoe grabbed at Jinhwan’s hair in his hands.

Junhoe had pretty good stamina, so he had to pull out all the stops on Junhoe here. Jinhwan sucked him fast and hard, hollowing his cheeks, moaning around Junhoe’s cock until Junhoe was responding to him, thrusting and squirming. Jinhwan wrapped his hand around the base of Junhoe’s cock, bobbed his head up and down the length in clean movements. “ _Fuck,_ June.” His tongue licked a wet stripe up the bottom of Junhoe’s cock every few movements.

He squeezed Junhoe’s thighs. Junhoe moaned Jinhwan’s name, something bordering a cry, over and over, begging him to _keeping going_ , and _harder_ , and _mooore_ , as though Jinhwan was not working hard enough. When Junhoe moaned again, Jinhwan roughly pulled off his cock and hissed, “Shut up. Stop whining, brat.”

Junhoe let out a rush of air and actually placed his hand over his mouth. Jinhwan blew on the head of his cock, licked the precum off, and repositioned his lips. He held them there, not moving, waiting to see if Junhoe would be obedient. Junhoe stayed quiet. Some time passed, and Junhoe gently rolled his hips, breathing jerky as though he was crying under his breath. “Good boy,” Jinhwan said, and sunk down on Junhoe hard. Junhoe made a guttural sound, a moan stifled deep in his throat.

Jinhwan sucked him off for a while before lifting his head. “Good boy,” he said again. “You’re so good.”

Junhoe made another soft sound in his throat.

Jinhwan said, “Yah, are you being rude on purpose tonight? What do you say?”

“Thank you,” Junhoe said, a bit breathlessly. “Thank you, hyung.”

Jinhwan’s hand came down to slap Junhoe hard on the inner thigh. _Not hyung_ , not now. He did not want to think about that now. Junhoe moaned and corrected himself, “Thank you, oppa.”

That was better. Jinhwan’s cock twitched and ached for release. But not yet. He moved up for a moment to sit on Junhoe’s abdomen, to wrap his hands around Junhoe’s gorgeous neck and squeeze.

“Do you love oppa?” Jinhwan asked.

Lips parted and hands over Jinhwan’s wrists, Junhoe nodded. “Yes.”

“Yes, what?”

“Fuck, Jinan,” Junhoe hissed, and Jinhwan squeezed harder for a moment. Junhoe gasped and coughed. He _loved_ it, which meant Jinhwan loved it too. “Yes, I love oppa.”

Jinhwan fell on his forearms and leant in to give Junhoe a kiss. Junhoe gently kissed back. He then gave Junhoe an apologetic kiss on either side of his neck and his Adam’s apple. Junhoe was good, not making a sound, just gently trailing his fingers up and down the curve of Jinhwan’s back. What a wonderful pair they made – Junhoe got off on being shut up and Jinhwan got off on shutting him up.

“So handsome,” Jinhwan complimented, because he adored the way Junhoe’s breath would hitch at the words of praise. “You’re perfect for me.”

He sat up, taking a moment to drink the sight of Junhoe in. Junhoe moved his fingers from Jinhwan’s back to his front, not deterred by Jinhwan’s change of position. He trailed his fingers across Jinhwan’s collarbones, down his chest and abdomen. Junhoe liked to touch. He was naturally sensual in that way. It was amazing, all the little ways Junhoe made Jinhwan feel sexy. Jinhwan jerked himself off while Junhoe’s hands were kept occupied.

Jinhwan took his time to bask in the attention. He felt Junhoe’s cock touching his ass, though, hard and leaking, and he could already feel the euphoric crash impending, only warded off by his pounding heart and racing blood, so he moved. He repositioned himself between Junhoe’s legs and dragged his tongue along his length, kissed the head of his cock and took him back into his mouth. He took a moment to say, “Fuck you, I had to take a minute to rest my jaw because you take so fucking long to come,” and fought off the smile to sink back down on his cock, pace eager as ever.

Junhoe gave a breathless laugh and responded, “You’re mad at me for being good?”

Jinhwan pinched the inside of Junhoe’s thigh and Junhoe yelped. He _papped_ Jinhwan on the head, something of a tiny smack. Jinhwan wrapped his lips only around the head of Junhoe’s cock so his mouth was free to giggle.

“Brat,” Jinhwan said.

“You provoked me,” Junhoe argued.

“Shut up again,” Jinhwan said. He was sure Junhoe could feel Jinhwan’s smile as he kept Junhoe’s cock against his lips. Junhoe sighed.

“Can I just say something?” Junhoe asked.

Jinhwan replied, “Oh, I’m sure you can. You never stop.”

“I just want to know, how do you expect me to get off at this rate?”

This time, Jinhwan sighed, and he took Junhoe back into his mouth. After bobbing his head a few times, cheeks hollowed and hot to work Junhoe back up, he pulled off and said, “Shut up again. And move your hips.”

Junhoe did. Jinhwan did his best to adjust to the rhythm until it felt natural. Junhoe fucked himself into Jinhwan’s mouth.

After a minute, Junhoe tugged on Jinhwan’s hair, hard, as a warning.

Jinhwan held Junhoe’s hips down. He sucked and jerked Junhoe into his mouth until Junhoe came with a soft moan. Jinhwan swallowed.

Jinhwan flopped down on the pillow beside him, bumping his head on the lube bottle and grunting about it. Junhoe pushed the wine bottle into his hands. Jinhwan sat up, smiled and took a sip. “Thanks, babe.”

Junhoe took the bottle back without a word and returned it to the nightstand. He then touched Jinhwan’s face, caressed his hand slowly down his cheek, the curve of his jawbone. He brought his lips to Jinhwan’s and kissed him. Jinhwan could not help but lick the sweet taste of red wine off the inside of Junhoe’s lips.

They pulled slowly apart. Jinhwan smiled. Junhoe looked at him with something of a bitchface. Jinhwan said, “You can talk now.”

Junhoe, still bitchfacing, said, “I love you.”

Jinhwan’s heart flipped in his chest. He grabbed the back of Junhoe’s neck and pulled him back down for another kiss. Junhoe matched the increased enthusiasm. Jinhwan involuntarily rutted against Junhoe’s thigh, and Junhoe broke the kiss. “Oh, right,” he said, and Jinhwan had to cover his mouth to keep from laughing out loud.

“Junhoe!”

“I didn’t forget!” Junhoe argued. “I would have remembered when I saw it!”

Jinhwan pushed Junhoe’s head down. Laughing softly, Junhoe positioned himself between Jinhwan’s thighs. He grabbed the current unused pillow and pushed it under Jinhwan’s ass, and Jinhwan did his best to bounce on the bed to accommodate it. “You’re too small, I’m going to get a hunch if I try to do this without a boost.”

“Your pillow-talk is one of your charms,” Jinhwan said.

“I am charming,” Junhoe said, way too agreeably to be joking, which was another one of his charms, Jinhwan thought. Jinhwan fondly pet his boy’s soft and spiky hair. Junhoe was a lot of things.

Jinhwan gasped as soon as Junhoe’s lips wrapped around him. His fists closed in Junhoe’s hair. As Junhoe moved his head, lips hot and wet as they sucked him off, Jinhwan’s hands moved to Junhoe’s neck, his jaw, wherever he could reach, caressing him.

Junhoe pulled off just so his lips wrapped around the head. He sucked the tip, licked the slit without releasing Jinhwan from the heat of his mouth. Jinhwan rolled his hips. Junhoe jerked back a little, startled, but easily regained his composure and sank down. He nodded.

A little too far gone at this point, Jinhwan fucked himself into Junhoe’s mouth until he came. Junhoe swallowed it down and pulled off. He did not hide his disgusted face, and Jinhwan burst into laughter. He never tried to hide how much he disliked the taste of cum. Junhoe drank the wine with the same sour look on his features.

“So cute…” Jinhwan softly mused aloud.

Junhoe put his bathrobe back on and plopped down beside Jinhwan, shaking the whole bed. “You’re so big,” Jinhwan commented. “You’re humongous.”

“I know,” Junhoe said, “but you handle it pretty well regardless.”

Jinhwan punched him in the shoulder. Junhoe smiled. Jinhwan said, “Thank you for that. Thank you always.”

“You’re welcome,” Junhoe said. “I like it too.”

“Yeah, I know,” Jinhwan said, and he snuggled in closer. Junhoe insisted he liked sucking Jinhwan’s dick, but he really meant he liked making Jinhwan feel good, and actually hated the act of sucking dick. In regards to fellatio, he simply called it ‘efficient’. The thought made Jinhwan laugh to himself as it always did. Junhoe dropped his arm over Jinhwan to pull him in close, hand gently petting Jinhwan’s fairy nape, as he liked to call it. “But it’s different for me, and I appreciate you understanding that.”

“We complement each other,” Junhoe said. “We work well together. I like everything we do together.”

“Mm,” Jinhwan smiled. “So that was good?”

“Of course,” Junhoe said. “Was it good for you?”

“Of course,” Jinhwan responded. “Did you have a good orgasm?”

Junhoe asked, “What do you mean?”

“How good was your orgasm? Mine was really good.”

“How good is it supposed to be?”

“It’s like, mind-blowing. Like, your whole body feels it and your mind goes blank the whole time.”

After a moment, Junhoe said, “Ehhh…”

It was so _honest_ , and Jinhwan laughed again. He buried his face in Junhoe’s chest to muffle the sound. Junhoe laughed with him, but softer, like he knew he was happy but was not sure why.

Jinhwan pulled the covers over them and then dropped his head right back down on Junhoe’s chest. He inhaled deeply, chased the fading scent of ylang ylang, exhaled. He was content.

“Doesn’t matter,” Jinhwan said. He knew Junhoe would never feel it as intensely as he did. That was just Junhoe. “I love you.”

Junhoe kissed Jinhwan’s hair and said, “I love you too.”

Then Jinhwan fell onto the bed, and he squawked indignantly. “Hey!”

Junhoe stepped off the bed. He shot Jinhwan a look. “I have to blow out the candles and turn off the music. I’ll pick up the petals tomorrow.”

Jinhwan smiled, dropped his head down on the pillow. Of course he had to. “If you’re going to straighten out my room for me, I should put you in a maid’s outfit.”

“I think you should wear it,” Junhoe responded conversationally, “since we know you look good in a skirt.”

Jinhwan blushed a deep, rosy shade of red. The cheerleader roleplay topic was still a little much for him to power though, even after they had done it.  

Junhoe returned to bed when the room was dark and quiet. He threw a pair of soft pajama bottoms on Jinhwan. He figured Junhoe did this as a form of care-giving, even though it did not really matter to either of them if Jinhwan wore clothes. Jinhwan put them on.

Junhoe gently rolled Jinhwan over so they were spooning, warm skin against skin. Junhoe’s floppy bathrobe sleeve blanketed Jinhwan’s bare torso. Jinhwan felt protected, and to have that responsibility taken away from him for now put him in a state of something beyond peace. He curled up and snuggled into all of Junhoe; their cuddling was so good.

It did not matter if Junhoe felt sex the same way that Jinhwan did. They felt this love the same, and that was all that mattered. This was knowledge they both carried with them.

-❣-

Junhoe took a minute to stare at his phone in disbelief.

**Junhoe:** u sure?

Two minutes passed.

**Hanbin:** yeah.

Something big must have happened to change Hanbin’s mind. Hanbin’s mind was not easily changed. Junhoe could not imagine what would make him want Jinhwan to know something like this…

_Jinhwan._ Junhoe sighed. He walked from the kitchen and to their bedroom where he knew Jinhwan would be.

Jinhwan looked up from his guitar and greeted Junhoe with a smile. “Hey, handsome.”

Junhoe was not affected by the sweetness. “Did you threaten Hanbin?”

Jinhwan’s eyes opened wide. “No… not really. He just started saying stupid things, and… I just defended you, that’s all.”

Junhoe clenched his jaw. “You _threatened_ him.”

“No!” Jinhwan insisted. “June, it wasn’t like that. He just started saying shit like our relationship is not strong, and I told him to shut up. That’s all.”

That was curious. “Why was he saying that?”

Jinhwan was quiet for a moment, then said, “I called him and asked what he has you lying to me about.”

Junhoe let out a long sigh and his eyes rolled up to the ceiling. _Jinhwan._

“Junhoe, I just wanted him to know he could talk to me about what he’s going through,” Jinhwan said.

Feeling very done with, even resentful towards Jinhwan’s behaviour, Junhoe responded, with a heavy exhale, “It is none of your _business_ , Jinhwan.”

Jinhwan persisted, “I don’t want you to carry the burden.”

To drive the point home, Junhoe repeated, with harsher stress on his words, “It is _none_ of your _business_ , Jinhwan. He told _me_ , not you. He told **_me_**.”

“Junhoe…”

He was struck with a sudden realization. “And I understand why he did, too. It’s because he knows I’m like him. He knows you treat us both like _children_. All of you treat us like children, even Donghyuk! He only trusts me to not freak out about it!” Sure he and Hanbin were a little stupid, but they were not _helpless_.

“Junhoe!” Jinhwan spoke urgently. “I just care about you.”

“No!” Junhoe held out his hand to stop him. “You cannot kiss me and tell me you want me and then still treat me like I’m a kid. I’m not curled up on the floor crying about how life is hard anymore. You’re not my sunbae anymore. You’re my partner. I’m not your _baby._ ”

When Jinhwan did not respond, Junhoe continued, “You don’t have to take care of us all the time. We can handle ourselves. We can handle our own burdens.”

Hanbin could tell Jinhwan himself when he was ready. Jinhwan did not deserve it and he would not hear it from Junhoe.

Junhoe shook his head. “I am not your baby.”

And maybe they were right, maybe Junhoe was a giant toddler, but he did not belong to Jinhwan. Jinhwan just had to let him have problems and deal with them on his own. Junhoe turned to leave the room. He only got a few steps outside the door when he felt two hands grab the sides of his shirt.

“Don’t go…” Jinhwan pouted. He must have looked adorable right now. Junhoe felt arms wrap around his waist and a warm cheek press against his back. “Please don’t walk awaaay…”

Junhoe stayed in place. Jinhwan continued, “You’re right, you’re not my baby. You’re my partner. I just forget my place sometimes because I’m everyone’s hyung. Can you… do me a favour?”

Junhoe asked, “What favour?”

“Will you let me be _your_ baby for a moment?”

That was surprising. It took Junhoe a moment to realize what Jinhwan was asking. He turned around to meet Jinhwan’s eyes with his own inquisitive ones.

Jinhwan’s eyes were glassy and wet. Junhoe instinctively placed a hand on the back on Jinhwan’s head and pulled him close. He wrapped his other arm around Jinhwan’s back to enclose him in a hug.

“What’s wrong?” Junhoe asked.

They backed up into their bedroom and closed the door behind them. Once they were sitting on their bed, Jinhwan wiped his eyes and started to talk.

“I’m sorry for treating you like that,” he said. “I don’t see you as a child. I’m just used to caring about you that way. I’m used to caring for everyone that way. I don’t mean to get in your business but I do. I’m sorry.” He sniffled. “I really am sorry.”

Junhoe held Jinhwan’s hand, managing to envelope the whole little thing in his grasp. “It’s okay.”

Jinhwan smiled. “Thanks. You’re too good to me.”

Junhoe said, “You’re too good to me too.”

Jinhwan continued, “I love you and I thought you shouldn’t be burdened by them. They’re idiots. They’re _my_ job. I love Jiwon and Hanbin so much… it’s just hard to not be able to do anything, you know? As a hyung. I feel like I should be able to help but I can’t. I’m helpless when I should be the one you all go to for help. I should fix this.”

“It’s not your responsibility,” Junhoe said. “You’re doing the best you can. That’s all you can do.”

Jinhwan looked down at their joined hands and nodded. Hesitantly, he asked, “Junhoe?”

“Yes?”

“Can you…” he held out his arms.

Junhoe understood. He pulled Jinhwan close to his chest, wrapping him up and rocking him gently. Jinhwan curled up and rested his head on Junhoe’s chest. They swayed together.

“I’m so tired of them,” Jinhwan whispered. “I’m so tired of this group, I’m so tired of this life… I’ve been trying so hard but it hit me all at once when you said you can take care of yourself… I’m tired of being a hyung.” He sniffled. “I don’t want to be a hyung for a moment. Just a moment.”

Junhoe nodded and kissed Jinhwan’s head. “You can have that. I’ll take care of you.”

“I don’t know what I’m doing…” Jinhwan continued softly. “I don’t know how to help anyone. I’m a bad hyung.”

“Don’t think that way,” Junhoe said. “You’re not a hyung right now, remember? Put that out of your mind. You can worry about it later.”

And later Junhoe would tell Jinhwan that he is being ridiculous, that he is only human and doing the best he possibly can. Later.

Jinhwan let out a long exhale of breath. “Later.”

Junhoe kissed his soft little head again. “It’s okay, baby.”

Jinhwan took a few, long seconds to just breathe. Junhoe was right there with him.

Then Jinhwan asked, “June?”

“Yes?”

“Can you please tell me what happened?” He looked up, eyes sad and glassy and open. “Not as a hyung, or a leader, or your overprotective boyfriend. I want to see it how you see it. Can you just tell me as a best friend who loves his best friends?”

Junhoe nodded. Jinhwan had proved himself worthy, as far as he was concerned. He said, “Actually, Hanbin told me I can tell you. I just thought you scared him into it, so I didn’t want to.”

Jinhwan sighed. “Maybe I did.”

Junhoe said, “He said he was sure, so,” he shrugged, “I have permission to tell you, and I’m going to.” Jinhwan had just been misunderstood. Junhoe had been there many times. He knew Jinhwan’s heart now.

And he realized something very important in that moment: Jinhwan was not his leader, but he was his _boyfriend_. That carried its own weight, the other half of the comparison that he had not previously considered. They were in this together, which meant he had to let Jinhwan support him. They had to support each other.

Jinhwan smiled softly. “Thank you.”

“So uh,” Junhoe was not sure how to put this, so he just came out with it, “Hanbin and Bobby got into a physical fight.”

Jinhwan blinked. “WHAT?”

“Yeah, apparently they, like, threw each other around the kitchen a bit, and they got slapped at least once. Pretty scary.”

“Oh no,” Jinhwan said, panicked. “Oh, they’re escalating.” He gripped his hair in his hands.

“Yeah,” Junhoe said. “It’s come to this.”

“They’re going to destroy their careers,” Jinhwan said, and his voice sounded hollow. He suddenly turned his head to meet Junhoe’s eyes. It was a little startling. “Junhoe, forgive me,” he said, “but I’m going to kill them.”

Junhoe nodded. This was less of a hyung thing and more of a Jinhwan (and Donghyuk) thing. Junhoe expected this. “Do what you have to do.”

Jinhwan swallowed. “I don’t want to do it now.”

“Do it later,” Junhoe encouraged. He pulled Jinhwan back into his embrace. “You’re not a hyung again yet.”

Jinhwan exhaled another heavy breath and let his full weight fall against Junhoe’s body. Junhoe supported his weight.

And Junhoe was finally able to offer the sentiment, “It’s going to be okay.”

-❣-

Jinhwan said he would only be gone for a moment to tell Bobby and Hanbin about the drinks. Junhoe asked Jinhwan to bring him his. Jinhwan said he would.

Junhoe occupied his time alone in the cat café by playing with one of the only two active cats there. A super puffy black cat stood by and watched. Kkulbbang chased around the feather on the fishing rod as Junhoe bobbed it around. He giggled when she got her claws in it and fell over.

A short time later, Jinhwan returned with their coffees. Junhoe smiled at him, and Jinhwan smiled back with a sparkle in his eyes.

Junhoe continued playing with Kkulbang. Suddenly, he felt something brush at his leg. “Oh, that startled me!” he exclaimed. He looked down to see Min had decided to share her shedding fur with his jeans. Cute. He was softened greatly by all the attention from such cute creatures (he usually was made this way in their company), and he was never quite sure how to interact with things as soft as these. Junhoe gave her a little scratch on the head.

“That’s Min,” Jinhwan said. “She probably likes you because you look like Prince Lychee. I heard on blog posts that those two have a thing.”

“Really?” Junhoe asked. He observed the little black cat. “And she looks like you.”

Jinhwan laughed, “How so?”

“Small and cute,” Junhoe matter-of-factly explained.

Jinhwan sighed and looked down with a pink blush on his cute cheeks. “That’s just every cat here.”

“No it isn’t,” Junhoe said with finality, and judging by Jinhwan’s second sigh, he had realized that this was not the type of argument he could win with Junhoe.

“Are you going to drink your coffee?” Jinhwan asked.

Junhoe said, “Here, give it to me,” and leaned over. Jinhwan lifted the cup so Junhoe could get the straw in his mouth. He smacked his lips – the drink had a nice flavour – and returned to playing. “Thanks.”

“You don’t mind?” Jinhwan asked. He asked the question lightly enough, but he sounded hesitant rather than carefree.

They had not exactly been cautious around each other since their talk about Jinhwan’s parental habits, but… there was a sense of uncertainty hanging in the air. Jinhwan never seemed sure whether or not he should offer Junhoe anything. In turn, Junhoe was not sure if he should approach Jinhwan with anything either. They did not feel awkward around each other now or anything like that, so Junhoe figured there was just something left unsaid.

Junhoe said, “Of course I don’t mind.” He clarified, “I didn’t mean that I never want you to do me favours. I just meant that I can handle myself. I don’t need you to take care of me like you would take care of a child.”

Jinhwan nodded. “Please don’t ever think I see you as helpless. I don’t even see you as stupid…” he smiled. Junhoe sighed. “Okay, maybe a little, but not… ah, I know you can handle yourself. I know you’re all grown up. You’re strong and you can fight your own battles. I know that.”

Junhoe nodded. That was that, and that was enough for him.

Kkulbbang eventually got tired of playing, and when Junhoe ceased to be entertaining, Min left. Min was loyal to another man and Junhoe respected that. He looked over to see her and Prince Lychee bond.

“They’re so cute,” Junhoe commented.

Jinhwan looked over. “Ah, yes, they’re getting along well today. Donghyuk and I knew it was a good plan.”

“Pardon?”

“Who are you talking about?”

“Min and Lychee.”

“Oh, sorry,” Jinhwan laughed, “I meant Bobby and Hanbin.”

“Ah,” Junhoe diverted his attention from the cats to observe them. They looked alright, actually. There was less of a hostile vibe between them. Bobby did not seem like he was out for blood anymore, so that was good. Junhoe did not imagine that Hanbin had helped with that, but it was the end result that mattered. “I guess so. Not enough to get me worried about the bet or anything like that, though.”

“Hm?” Jinhwan inquired. “Who would have the advantage today?”

“Yunhyeong hyung,” Junhoe nodded in his direction. “They’re naturally breaking down barriers without talking.”

“Ah…” Jinhwan noticed. “You’re right, but I don’t think I’m worried either.”

That was actually disappointing, though. “I don’t care about winning the bet much,” Junhoe said. “The most important thing is that you did well today.”

Jinhwan smiled at Junhoe, eyes sparkling, a little glossier now than earlier. He was touched.

Jinhwan looked like early morning. He was a warm sunrise, and soft, dew-sprinkled Earth, sparkling gossamer, and honeysuckle lips a sweet smile in bloom. It was no wonder poetry came easy to Junhoe.

“Thanks, June,” he said.

Junhoe nodded to reassure him. Jinhwan lifted Junhoe’s drink to his mouth and Junhoe took a long and grateful sip.

-❣-

At some point in their partnership, Junhoe noticed, Hanbin and Bobby hit a plateau. There were no more fights, no more talk from either of them, just nothing. One day it all ended and Junhoe lost the date.

On some day in May, Bobby showed up at Healing’s dorm. Junhoe had been home by himself. “Oh,” he greeted. “Hey, no one is here but me. They got sushi but I was tired and hung back.”

“I know,” Bobby grumbled under his breath, and Junhoe almost did not catch it. Bobby said, “It’s okay,” and pushed past Junhoe into the dorm. Junhoe sighed and shut the door behind them.

He allowed Bobby access to the leftover rice and stew that Junhoe had been eating. They ate together in silence, save for the sound of a chip bag crinkling as it opened. They turned the television on as background noise.

It was not awkward to be with Bobby. Their awkwardness was only awkward when someone else was around. This was companionable silence. Neither of them wanted to break it.

At least, this is how it typically was. Today, Bobby was snarling, and not just because of his perpetually stuffed nose. It sounded hard for him to breathe as he slurped up the soup at an inhumanly aggressive pace. There was no silence to begin with.

“What brings you here?” Junhoe asked.

Bobby swallowed his food, perhaps not chewed, and took a second to breathe. Then he said, “Just bored.”

“Not working today?”

“Figured I would take the day off,” Bobby continued, and through gritted teeth, he said, “because Hanbin did too.”

Ah, this was a Hanbin thing. Junhoe figured as much. He had just thought they were past the worst of their conversations bitten out through clenched teeth.

Junhoe asked, “Has he been working hard?”

“Yes.”

Junhoe idled. “Then what’s the problem?”

“No problem,” Bobby said, and shoved more food in his mouth, staring intently at the screen.

Junhoe sighed. “You don’t seriously need advice from me, do you?”

“Didn’t ask for it,” Bobby said.

Junhoe went quiet to watch the movie. He took a few moments to think, because he was too dumb to offer wisdom, but smart enough to know when he had to try.

He said, “You two are quiet.”

After a moment, Bobby said, “Yeah.”

“Maybe you should talk.” And it was only a suggestion. The bet did not matter more than his friend’s happiness.

Bobby shrugged.

He just seemed angry, which was strange, because there was no identifiable source of the anger. There was only Hanbin.

There was no need to be angry. There was no need for hate. They really should just talk, Junhoe thought. Junhoe and Bobby ate their food and watched their movie in silence.

That was the last time Junhoe ever saw Bobby mad about Hanbin. The rest, he supposed, is history.

-❣-

August found Healing back in the living room, Yunhyeong at the front with a notebook to lead the meeting.

“As you all know,” Yunhyeong said, “we have no definite way of knowing how Bobby and Hanbin became friends. The last piece of information learned about their breakthrough was obtained by me. Bobby said, and I quote,” Yunhyeong ran his finger down the paper to find the line he had written down, “‘It was a few things. I guess we just… we spent a lot of time together, and it just happened.’”

“COP OUT ANSWER!” The room booed. “COP OUT ANSWER.” “IT’S NOT ACCURATE.”

“I know, I know!” Yunhyeong threw his hands up to indicate peace. “I’m not being unfair about this. I know we need the specifics in order to close the bet.”

“Shall we do a timeline analysis?” Donghyuk suggested. Junhoe scoffed; _nerd._

“We could,” Jinhwan said, _nerd 2_ , “but I don’t think it would tell us all we need to know. We need to hear it from them.”

“I think,” Chanwoo said, “we should call them.”

The room shared furtive glances amongst each other.

On the third ring, Bobby answered, “Hello?”

It was a good idea. It would be easier to wear Bobby down than Hanbin. This would rest on his answer.

“Hey,” Jinhwan said. “Still feeling good about your debut?”

“Ah, yeah,” Bobby said, and Junhoe could hear the smile in his voice. “What’s up with you guys?”

“Nothing really,” Jinhwan said nonchalantly. “Hey, I was just wondering, you and Hanbin have come a long way. How did it happen? When did you become friends?”

Bobby said, “Ah, I told you, it kinda just happened.”

“Think specifically,” Jinhwan encouraged. “For the sentimentality of it all.”

“Uh…” Bobby pondered, “to be honest with you,” he gave a short laugh, “I don’t think we ever actually became friends.”

The company was astonished.

“I think the closest we got was that night Hanbin put… uh… this product in my hair,” he said. “It was this type of oil that fixes damaged hair.”

‘Probably argan oil,’ Yunhyeong mouthed.

“And uh, we just… talked for a while. It felt nice. It felt like we resolved some tension. We didn’t hate each other anymore. I would say, if we became friends, it was at that point, but Hanbin might have a different answer.”

The company was becoming restless, so Jinhwan said, “Ah, that’s nice, Jiwon-ah. Just to clarify, you two had an actual talk, right?”

Bobby, a little confused, answered, “Yes?”

Junhoe internally fist-pumped.

“And you wouldn’t say you two became friends because of… sex, right?”

Bobby made a choking sound. Jinhwan gave him time. “Uh…” Bobby said, “no, I wouldn’t say that.”

“Thanks, Jiwon-ah~!” Jinhwan sang. “Great talk, I’m really happy for you guys. Goodbye!”

“Bye?”

Jinhwan hung up. The room burst into hysterics. Junhoe really fist-pumped and cheered.

“ ** _AHHHHHHHH!_** ” Donghyuk flipped and threw himself on the couch with Chanwoo. Yunhyeong let out a pained noise and hunched over.

Jinhwan skipped over to Junhoe. They held hands, and cheering, skipped around in a circle.

“We knew it!” They sang. “We knew it!!”

“The fallen…” Chanwoo lamented. He was lying down on top of Donghyuk.

“We are defeated,” Yunhyeong said.

Jinhwan and Junhoe shared a quick kiss before Jinhwan fell against Junhoe and Junhoe embraced him. They happily waited until the others healed enough from the initial shock to cough up the contents of their wallets.

“And now,” Donghyuk announced, “we get to bet on what makes them start to _like-like_ each other, and if they already do, then how it happened.”

The group agreed that this was the new plan of action. Junhoe groaned. Luckily, he and Jinhwan had planned for this too. Their bet, of course, was drunk cuddling.

-❣-

On the first night they shared together as iKon, the boys set up a blanket nest in the living room and busted out the soju and cherry wine. They were going to properly celebrate this.

Comfortably situated on top of pillows, blankets, and various group members, they settled down with their alcohol and decided to talk, about everything. They wanted to make sure they were all caught up.

“But we know everything about each other,” Yunhyeong said. “Right?”

Junhoe nodded. He thought they had everything covered.

Hanbin coughed. “Actually…” he said. He looked at Bobby, and Bobby raised his eyebrows. Junhoe did the same. And then Hanbin looked at Jinhwan and Junhoe, and Junhoe got it. “There is something you guys don’t know. Sorry Jinhwan hyung, but Bobby… guessed.”

Junhoe looked at Jinhwan. His lover blinked and shrugged, then took a sip of wine. “Eh,” he said, “it was bound to happen anyway. We should tell them.”

“Tell us what?” Chanwoo asked. Donghyuk gathered his knees up to his chest and stared intently at Hanbin.

Before Hanbin could continue, Jinhwan said, “Hanbin and I were friends with benefits many moons ago, before Junhoe and I got together. Junhoe knows.”

Junhoe nodded. He was glad in a way that was finally out in the open. It truly never bothered him, and he felt uncomfortable keeping secrets from the others, especially since it was not even a big deal. Jinhwan held Junhoe’s hand, and Junhoe easily laced their fingers together.

Yunhyeong gasped. Chanwoo looked unaffected. Donghyuk dropped his knees and scoffed, “I thought you said we didn’t know.”

Bobby tilted his head forward, surprised. Hanbin’s lips parted. Yunhyeong said, “Well, **_I_** didn’t know… it was just always a _feeling_.”

After a moment, Hanbin giggled, and Jinhwan joined him. Even Junhoe got a little chuckle out of that, maybe just because Jinhwan did.

“Well,” Hanbin said, “now you guys know everything.”

Jinhwan squeezed Junhoe’s hand, almost urgently. Junhoe turned to him. Jinhwan raised his eyebrows. Junhoe’s heart dropped a little – there was one more thing.

“What?” Donghyuk asked, clearly catching on.

Jinhwan squeezed Junhoe’s hand and nodded. Junhoe swallowed dryly.

He had always known, deep down, but his sexuality was still a weird topic for him. He had not known it was a real thing until recently. It still made him feel like an alien, even more so than usual. The feeling of inadequacy that lingered beneath the perfect surface of his skin was worse.

“Okay?” Jinhwan asked. He sounded so gentle, so supportive. He was not pushing at all. Junhoe nodded. Jinhwan said, “Junhoe and I have a very healthy and functional relationship, but there may be something you don’t know about us. Junhoe learned something.”

“Wow!” Hanbin cheered. “Finally! Congratulations!”

Junhoe raised his head and blinked. “What?”

“You _learned_ something!” Hanbin smiled, an impish look in his eyes. Chanwoo snorted, slowly dissolving into laughter. “I can’t believe it! _Our_ Junhoe, **_learning_** _!_ ”

Yunhyeong and Donghyuk followed Chanwoo, and even Bobby had to hide his smile. Hanbin’s grin was downright devious. How rude. Junhoe wanted to chuck a pillow, but that would risk spilling the alcohol. Junhoe just took a shot. Hanbin did as well, albeit far more superciliously.

Jinhwan – giggling too, that traitor – squeezed Junhoe’s hand again. “Ah, I’m sorry, June… I phrased that badly.”

Junhoe just scoffed and acted like it did not affect him. “Whatever. Just tell them.”

“I want you to do it,” Jinhwan said. At this point, Junhoe noticed that the room had gone quiet, and he noticed eyes on him in his peripheral vision (but he felt them more). Jinhwan gave him puppy-dog eyes and said, “Please? Just do it.”

Junhoe looked down. He took a deep breath, let it out. No going back now. He mumbled, “I’m asexual.”

“Pardon?” Yunhyeong asked.

That deaf old geezer. Junhoe did not want to say it again. He pouted. Jinhwan urged him to repeat it, but Junhoe shook his head and stared at his lap.

Jinhwan said, “Junhoe is asexual. He doesn’t feel sexual attraction.”

Half the room demanded, “What?!” Chanwoo stayed quiet, a little shocked but not really, and Bobby asked, “You guys don’t have sex?!”

Junhoe’s head snapped up at that. Defensively, he barked, “Of course we do.”

Bobby shrank back at that, hiding himself behind his knees. Hanbin gave Bobby a little rub on the back of the neck, and Junhoe practically heard him cooing in the bottom of his throat. They were so gross.

“Hey,” Jinhwan said softly, petting the back of Junhoe’s neck. He looked at Junhoe like he was staring at something sweet, like Jinhwan had glitter sprinkled in the black of his eyes, all gold and no pain.

(Yeah, Junhoe pouted, Hanbin and Bobby were so gross.)

“Don’t get defensive,” Jinhwan continued. “I told you already, there’s nothing to be ashamed about. You’re a perfect boyfriend. You’re the best I could ever have.”

“Gross,” Donghyuk muttered. Yunhyeong looked like he was inclined to agree, and Bobby’s nose scrunched. What a hypocrite, Junhoe thought.

“Guys!” Jinhwan scolded with a small laugh. “Can you try to be supportive here? June has a hard time with this.”

“Would it be offensive if I made a joke about that right now?” Hanbin asked.

Junhoe almost growled. Jinhwan said, “Just… save it for later.”

“I have a question,” Bobby spoke in some kind of nasally voice and raised his hand, which might have been because of the alcohol, but Junhoe suspected otherwise, because his hyung was kind of a weirdo, “How do you guys have sex?”

“Same way you do,” Junhoe muttered. He was really dreading the question portion of his coming out. This was as bad as he had imagined it would be. He would only hold out on skipping town until the reproductive questions started coming in.

Jinhwan laughed, “Same concept,” he lowered his voice, “but nowhere near the same finesse, I bet.” Junhoe’s lips tugged upward at that. Jinhwan answered Bobby, “We just have sex. Junhoe doesn’t experience sexual attraction, but he can still experience sexual gratification. His parts still work. He still enjoys the feeling. His satisfaction is just all based on feeling, not on what he sees. Get it?”

Bobby looked like he was about to short-circuit. Donghyuk nodded and said, “Simple enough.”

“No,” Bobby said, half-dazed in disbelief, “it’s not!”

“What’s confusing you?” Jinhwan asked.

“Everything!” Bobby said, blurted, “How do you get it up?”

A visceral reaction, Junhoe hissed, “I’m not _broken_.”

Bobby went pink in the cheeks right after that question escaped his lips. Junhoe thought he himself might crumble to ashes from embarrassment. He pointedly looked down.

“Jiwon, a particularly sultry gust of wind can give you a boner,” Yunhyeong said. “Is it really so hard to believe that Jinhwan hyung’s tight body can get the job done?”

Donghyuk interjected, “Actually, it’s their true love that gets the job done, but I doubt Jinhwan hyung’s tight body hurts.”

“It certainly would not deflect from the experience, I imagine,” Hanbin said.

“You don’t have to imagine,” Chanwoo pointed out.

“Actually,” Hanbin said, “we never got naked when we were doing it.”

“Oh man,” Donghyuk said, “you really don’t have any right to pass judgment on their relationship, then.”

Hanbin said, “And I don’t pass any.”

Junhoe checked in on Bobby, who was very pink in the cheeks and still hiding behind his knees. His lips were pushed against his knee to silence himself. Junhoe had a feeling that Bobby had spoken his mind by mistake. Junhoe kicked him gently. Bobby was startled. Junhoe gave him a little smile, tried to calm him down. Bobby’s eyelashes fluttered, and then he relaxed. Mission accomplished. Junhoe settled back down and continued to be the most embarrassed person in the room, as it was his right to be.

When Junhoe tuned back into the conversation, Jinhwan was asking, “…just imply that we have sex with our clothes on?”

Junhoe groaned and dropped his face into his hands.

“It’s not shameful!” Hanbin quickly jumped in. “I do it with clothes on all the time!”

Donghyuk gestured to Hanbin as though he made a compelling point and said, “Who has time for drawstrings?”

Hanbin gestured back and said, “Exactly!”

Yunhyeong mumbled over the ring of his glass, almost inaudibly, “Bet you and Katie don’t have time for drawstrings…” and Donghyuk blushed and smacked him.

“We support you, Junhoe hyung,” Chanwoo said. Junhoe looked at him, and the maknae wore a tiny smile. He amended, “I mean, we support your sexuality. I don’t care if you have sex with your clothes on.”

Hanbin raised his bottle of soju and said, “But we support that too!”

The rest of the boys raised their glasses of alcohol. Donghyuk said, “To Jinhwan and Junhoe’s dry sex life!”

“To Jinhwan and Junhoe!” Everyone clinked glasses, except for Junhoe and Bobby, both of whom would most likely rather be dead at the moment, and Jinhwan, probably so as to not cause a conflict of interest.

“Oh yeah, and Junhoe’s sexuality,” Yunhyeong said.

Everyone clinked glasses again and said, “And Junhoe’s sexuality!”

Jinhwan mumbled, “We should have done this sober.”

Junhoe raised his head, offended that he came second to dry humping, and very angry that that last clause is a pun.

Jinhwan giggled and patted Junhoe’s back. “Awh, you’re grumpy,” he cooed. He kissed Junhoe on the cheek. “You’re doing great, baby. I’m so proud of you.”

Junhoe melted considerably at that. He felt the tension between his eyebrows smooth out. Jinhwan was always there to smooth out his rough edges.

“I… am curious, though,” Yunhyeong said. “Junhoe, if you don’t experience sexual attraction… why are you okay with having sex?”

The question was phrased lightly enough. Junhoe felt comfortable enough to respond, “I just am,” and shrugged. “I’m sex-positive and sex-favourable. I don’t have a problem with it. I like the feeling. I just don’t feel the need to do it.”

“Ah,” Yunhyeong said, “so the actual sex doesn’t matter to you, just how good it feels.”

“Exactly,” Junhoe nodded.

“Are all asexual people sex-favourable?” Yunhyeong continued.

“No,” Junhoe shook his head. “It depends on the person. In fact, most asexual people are indifferent to sex. Even **_I_** am too, mostly, because I just like the feeling, and Jinhwan is the only person I have ever wanted in my life. But… for me, actually, there is some grey area. Asexuality is a spectrum. I’m sex-favourable, and I always think, maybe I’m not completely asexual? It can be confusing. I’m not sure about the boundaries. I just know I’m asexual in whatever way. This identity is the only one that has ever made sense to me.”

That felt surprisingly good to get off his chest. Yunhyeong nodded and drank the rest of his glass of alcohol.

Donghyuk said, “Don’t worry too much about it, June. All sexual identities exist on a spectrum. You’ll figure yourself out. And if you don’t, that’s okay too. Just identify how you feel. Umbrella terms are great for that.”

Junhoe smiled at Donghyuk. He appreciated that. Donghyuk raised his glass to him and smiled back.

“I’m curious about something too,” Hanbin said. He swayed woozily, and this time, Bobby placed a hand on Hanbin’s back to steady him, and a sigh escaped Junhoe from somewhere deep in his aching soul. “If you don’t like people, how do you know you like Jinhwan?”

“I _do_ like people,” Junhoe argued, “I just don’t feel sexual attraction to them.”

“Junhoe hyung,” Chanwoo said gently, “with all due respect to my hyungs, I really, really do not think you should expect much in the way of romance from Bobby and Hanbin.”

“ _Hey!_ ” Bobby barked at Chanwoo, narrowing his eyes. Junhoe snorted a laugh.

“Come on,” Yuhnyeong defended, “you two know how you found out you like each other.”

Bobby and Hanbin both loosened from their defensive stances, like, _true, fair…_

Jinhwan giggled, “Actually, this is one of my favourite things about our relationship.”

Junhoe asked, “What?”

Jinhwan full-out laughed, “How you actually think I’m ugly!”

Junhoe was _very_ affronted, and gasped. “I do not!”

“Remember what he said?” Jinhwan jabbed a finger at his boyfriend. “He said that when he saw our faces,” Jinhwan gestured to himself, Bobby, and Hanbin, “he believed that YG doesn’t recruit based on looks.”

Donghyuk broke down in hysterical laughter. Yunhyeong pointed at Jinhwan and laughed, “ _He did say that!_ ” Bobby hid a shy smile, and Hanbin could not help but laugh, along with Chanwoo.

“That was before!” Junhoe argued. “Now that I know you, I think you are very cute, and pretty, and beautiful.”

Jinhwan gave him a dopey smile and nudged his arm. “Thanks, baby.”

“I always thought that!” Junhoe said. “You’re just… objectively unattractive.”

Donghyuk burst into another round of laughter. He repeated, “ _Objectively!!_ ” in a tone that was just unnecessarily shrill. Junhoe frowned.

Jinhwan, jaw dropped, laughed, “So I’m still ugly!”

Junhoe’s lips parted in shock. He had no idea how to clarify what he meant. “No! I just mean… some people in Korea, they might say you’re unattractive… I just saw you like that, because I didn’t know you…”

Jinhwan said, “I might be ugly by conventional beauty standards.”

Junhoe blinked. He mumbled, “What does that mean, hyung?”

Jinhwan laughed and said, “It means by Korean beauty standards I might be considered ugly.”

“EXACTLY!” Junhoe gestured to him. He quieted down and corrected, “No, no, I mean, I mean you’re right about that, but **_I_** don’t think you should be considered ugly.”

“How does Junhoe even know the word ‘objectively’?” Hanbin slurred.

Junhoe glared. Jinhwan said, “Because he knows _he_ is objectively handsome, it’s all he ever needed to know.”

More laughter sounded from the company. Junhoe scoffed, but it was not so bad. He liked this kind of teasing. It felt normal, natural. He knew how to respond.

“Just… one more question,” Donghyuk said. “Do you guys… like… do you think it matters, that Junhoe doesn’t feel sexual attraction? Do you think it affects your relationship?”

Junhoe was absolutely terrified of this question. He thought about it often. He stayed quiet and let Jinhwan have the spotlight, because he really had no idea how to answer.

Jinhwan, leaning into Junhoe’s side, said, “Of course not. He gives me everything I need. Isn’t that what matters?”

Everyone nodded. Bobby mumbled, “Yunhyeong’s crying.”

Sniffling and looking up to the ceiling, Yunhyeong barked, “I am not!”

Donghyuk laughed, “He’s so lonely.”

Donghyuk and Chanwoo then began serenading Yunhyeong with Why So Lonely by Wonder Girls. Yunhyeong gave Donghyuk a shove, and Donghyuk fell over Chanwoo’s lap. Chanwoo laughed and pet Donghyuk’s arm.

Jinhwan put an arm around Junhoe’s waist. “You see?” he whispered. “I told you its okay.”

“Can I ask something?” Chanwoo asked. “Just for Junhoe.”

Junhoe perked up. Jinhwan tightened his hug around Junhoe’s waist. Junhoe nodded.

Chanwoo asked, “How did you know you’re asexual?”

“Oh,” Junhoe responded, “I’ve just… always known.”

“But you would always talk about people you find hot,” Hanbin pointed out.

Junhoe shrugged, “I do find them good looking, just, like…”

“Aesthetically,” Jinhwan supplied.

“Precisely,” Junhoe acknowledged him. “I didn’t know there was supposed to be a sexual feeling.”

“What about porn?” Donghyuk asked. “What did you think we were talking about?”

Junhoe shrugged. “For a long time I thought people were exaggerating. Like… you know how ‘suck my dick’ is just an expression? When you guys bothered each other about which pornstars you like, I knew that this probably meant you found them really attractive, but I never got off on someone’s looks. I like certain things, but never people. So I thought ‘jerking off to someone’ was an expression, for, like, finding someone really good looking.”

Everyone burst into laughter at that, even Bobby. Eventually, even Junhoe.

Junhoe continued, “And when I found out you guys do that to people I just thought you were perverts! I was seventeen when I realized I was the weird one!”

“You’ve always been the weird one, Junhoe,” Hanbin said through his happy tears. He placed a hand on Junhoe’s lower leg, the place he could reach. “But not because of that.”

Junhoe smiled, but, _hey_ , rude.

“You know,” Donghyuk said, “I’ve always had a feeling about Junhoe’s sexuality.”

Junhoe raised his eyebrows. Yunhyeong prompted, “Explain.”

Donghyuk explained, “He’s just different with how he interacts with people. He’s really, like, dumb and dramatic. At first I thought that was just his personality, and it kind of is, but it’s not what I thought. He doesn’t have any ulterior motives when he talks to people. He’s never cared about dating or flirting. He’s never been worried about blowing a potential one night stand… pun intended. He’s not nervous, just awkward. It became really obvious when he started to like Jinhwan hyung because he talks more quietly and sincerely around hyung. Nothing is superficial between them because Junhoe actually wants a deeper connection. But it never seemed sexual, and now I understand why.”

The whole group said, “ _Heeey!_ ” and “ _Yeah, I totally see that now!_ ”

Was that true? Junhoe thought about it, and yeah, it probably was. Perhaps his theatrical personality and lack of attraction to others made him a little shallow, but not with Jinhwan. After a year or so, everything became important when it came to Jinhwan. He wanted to be sincere. He wanted to be close in a way that was deeper than friendship, more heartfelt and complete. He just wanted to share everything with Jinhwan. Sometimes Junhoe did not even have anything to talk to anyone about until Jinhwan walked in and suddenly the whole world needed discussing.

“So like, Jinhwan, right?” Yunhyeong asked. “You just like his personality?”

Junhoe easily replied, “I like everything about Jinhwan hyung.”

Jinhwan’s cheeks turned pink. He pushed his head into the crook of Junhoe’s neck. Junhoe pulled away enough to give Jinhwan a kiss on his head, and then rested his cheek on Jinhwan’s head, fitting into him as his complementary puzzle piece.

-❣-

Admittedly, Jinhwan had not always been this supportive of Junhoe. He faked it for the first few days.

Junhoe told him that he did some research on himself and came to the conclusion that he was asexual. He did not experience sexual attraction, but he assured Jinhwan that he was sex-positive and sex-favourable, and still okay with having sex, he was just nervous to start because he had no idea what kind of feelings to expect. Jinhwan asked whatever questions came to mind, and Junhoe answered them. Jinhwan said he was satisfied because there were certain questions he could never put into words, so the talk was done.

Jinhwan did his own research. He learned all he could about what Junhoe had described to him. Every person’s individual experience is different, after all, and he just wanted to know more about Junhoe’s situation. He learned that this was possible, that they could still have a fulfilling relationship. The sexual feelings were different but the love was the same.

Even so, the first few days, Jinhwan just could not accept it. Junhoe was asexual and Jinhwan was sexual. It would cause problems. Junhoe would feel pressured and Jinhwan would feel like an abuser. Something had broken between them. He worried about it, he rejected it. He felt like he lost the love of his life.

A few days passed. The news settled. The two acted exactly the same. Jinhwan’s anxiety ebbed away bit by bit, day by day.

Jinhwan made Junhoe promise that he would never do anything he did not want to do. Junhoe promised.

Jinhwan finally accepted that this relationship could work when they had sex a few weeks later. Junhoe was into it, Jinhwan was totally satisfied, and they were both satiated in the end. Was there a difference having sex with a sexual person and an asexual person? If there was, Jinhwan could not tell. Junhoe was truly every bit as enthusiastic as Jinhwan was. Junhoe was always quite the go-getter.

That was when Jinhwan realized that sex is more than just the act of sex. That was when Jinhwan embraced Junhoe fully. And it really hit him when they were lying together in bed the next morning, when Junhoe toyed with the bedsheets and asked how Jinhwan had liked that. When Jinhwan had stroked Junhoe’s cute face and told him he was the best that Jinhwan could ever have.

It was weird to feel so thoroughly beautiful, but Jinhwan hoped he would learn to accept that about himself, just like he learned to accept Junhoe.

-❣-

The last person he expected to see, Bobby, entered Junhoe’s room when Junhoe gave him the okay to enter.

Junhoe raised an eyebrow and said, “Uh, hey.”

Sheepishly, Bobby stood with his hands in his pockets, head down. “Hey. What’s up?”

Junhoe raised his other eyebrow. He held up his phone. “Just writing some stuff.”

“Ah,” Bobby nodded, “cool.” He was clearly stalling for time, so Junhoe gave it to him. Finally, Bobby said, “I – I wanted to apologize, for how I behaved under the influence last night.”

That was a nice surprise. “Oh. Thanks. No, it’s okay, really, there’s no need to feel bad.”

Bobby nodded and said, “Thank you. If it’s okay, I wanted to know if I can ask another question about your sexuality. I’m sorry, I really just don’t know anything about it, besides what you said.”

Junhoe sat upright and nodded, gesturing with his chin to give Bobby the okay.

Bobby clasped his hands together. He asked, “Do you feel like, maybe, you were cheated?”

Junhoe was unsure what that meant. “Cheated on?”

“No, no,” Bobby clarified. He awkwardly shuffled from foot to foot. “I mean, do you ever feel like you got robbed of a sex life? Because you’re so good looking, but don’t want to have sex?”

Junhoe blinked. He was literally asexual. He had zero idea why he would ever want to be sexually attracted to others. He literally could not conceptualize it. “No.”

Bobby said, “Oh.”

Curiously, Junhoe asked, “You think that because I’m good looking I feel bad about being asexual? I didn’t ask to be born handsome.”

Before Bobby could respond, they heard a knock on the door. Junhoe beckoned them in and Jinhwan entered.

“Sorry,” he said, “I wasn’t eavesdropping, I was in the bathroom for the past twenty minutes and just got here. I didn’t know it was a private conversation. I just… I have to comment: Jiwon, you really have not grasped the concept of asexuality, have you?”

Bobby mumbled, “I realized it was dumb the second before you knocked. Sorry.”

“It’s fine,” Junhoe assured. To Jinhwan, he said, “I can handle it, babe.”

Jinhwan smiled. “Right, I know you can. I just… had to comment. Okay, I’ll just be out here. Let me know if you need anything.”

“Seriously, Jinan,” Junhoe said, “I’m okay. But thanks.”

Jinhwan smiled, nodded, and closed the door behind him.

With a dopey smile, Bobby said, “He really cares about you, huh?”

A smile tugged at the corner of Junhoe’s lips. “Yeah, he’s great.”

“And you care about him back, for real. It’s nice.”

Junhoe had to agree with that. “It is.”

Bobby rubbed at the back of his neck, looked down. He spoke in lazy Konglish as he said, “It’s hard for me to understand, as a sexual person, what that means for somebody. To just love ‘em. You know? I’m jealous.”

Junhoe asked, “Jealous?”

“Yeah,” Bobby said, “because you guys love each other for who you are. I couldn’t even get Hanbin to take a second look at me before he wanted my dick.”

Bobby’s sad smile poked at Junhoe’s heart, piercing it like a small fork. It was just enough to allow the emotions to spill out. Junhoe took a deep breath, collected his thoughts. He said, “Back in 2015, Hanbin told me that you look like you have a Phantom of the Opera mask welded to your face.” Bobby giggled at that. Junhoe continued, “And it was something else before that, and something else after. Hyung… Hanbin has been looking at you for years.”

Bobby blinked, turned his eyes toward Junhoe. His expression fell from false happiness to genuine shock.

Junhoe continued, “Can you please just date him soon? I’ve been listening to him complain about you for years. It would be nice to have some peace and quiet for once.”

Bobby gave a short laugh. “Hanbin liked to talk about me, huh?”

“You have no idea,” Junhoe said. “Hanbin liked to talk about everything when it came to you. Honestly, he’s a little obsessed. I’m surprised he didn’t find out he likes you sooner.”

Bobby gave a genuine laugh at that. Junhoe gave him a small smile and made the fighting motion with his fist.

Bobby said, “Thanks, June,” and tapped his shoulder in a brotherly fashion before walking out the door.

He did not close it behind him. Junhoe went over to do that himself. Outside the door, though, Junhoe heard Bobby and Jinhwan talk, and he got a little curious. He did not quite understand what they were talking about.

-❣-

Bobby sauntered out of Junhoe’s room with a sort of whimsical gait. Jinhwan wondered what Bobby had on his mind.

Bobby came to a stop in front of the couch, hands in his pockets and a lazy pop in his hip, resting on it. Jinhwan asked, “Care to join me?”

Bobby smiled. He said, “I have to go soon anyway. Just wanted to ask you something really quick.”

Jinhwan pulled his knees up to his chest and nodded.

Bobby said, “You think Junhoe couldn’t figure out you like him because he’s asexual?”

Jinhwan tilted his head, thought about that. “Maybe,” he nodded. “He wasn’t thinking that way, so maybe he just forgot that I could be thinking that way about him. I think it was more the fact that we just always behaved like best friends. We talked about everything, we watched movies, hung out… just casual stuff. It was my fault for just assuming he wanted my dick.”

Bobby nodded, like he understood something now. He took a deep breath, let it out. “I haven’t known Hanbin for that long,” he said, “but… I still noticed. I think I get it now, how Junhoe never noticed. He doesn’t… yeah.”

Ah… Jinhwan had a feeling he knew what Bobby was referring to here. “I don’t know for sure. I’ll never know for sure. But Hanbin would sooner take a bullet than admit to something like that.”

Bobby raised his eyebrows. “You think, maybe…?” he trailed off.

Whether he wanted an answer or not, Jinhwan said, “No. Never. Like I said, he would sooner take a bullet.”

Bobby nodded. “Guess everything worked out for us then, huh?”

Jinhwan smiled. “That’s the spirit.”

Bobby smiled at the floor. He said, hollowly, “Should I even bother having hope for me and him?”

Jinhwan was unpleasantly surprised to hear that. “ _Yah,_ what kind of attitude is this? Who are you and what did you do with my best friend Romeo Montague?”

Bobby laughed with no spirit in it. Jinhwan pressed, “Don’t think that way. You two just need to work at it, a lot.”

“He doesn’t trust me,” Bobby shook his head. “I don’t know if he ever will. He doesn’t trust people, especially not me. He’s got a lot of dark shit in his head.”

Jinhwan knew that very well. He asked, “Are you ready to take that on?”

Bobby pursed his lips. With a smile, he said, “Nope.”

Jinhwan’s laugh was light. “Well, then it’s a good thing you two are taking it slow.”

Bobby shrugged, nodded, smiled. They heard a door creak and footsteps make their way into the living room.

Junhoe appeared around the corner. “I didn’t mean to eavesdrop,” he said. “I have an idea.”

-❣-

“Alright everyone,” Jinhwan spoke at the front of the semi-circle, “thank you for coming to the love counselor’s office.” The makeshift office was actually an unused dance studio. “I’m Jinhwan, I will be leading and mediating this session. With me I have Koo Junhoe, Hanbin’s support buddy,” Junhoe nodded, holding Mickey Mouse in his lap, “and Kim Jinwoo, Jiwon’s support,” Jinwoo smiled and waved, holding Pooh in his lap. “The supporters are here to offer comfort to their buddies through this session as they have been here the whole journey. The supporters also know everything about your relationship drama so there is no need to feel shy to admit anything. Is everyone okay with this so far?”

Everyone nodded.

“Great,” Jinhwan said. “Now, on the notebooks in front of you, Jiwon and Hanbin, you two will write out everything the other person has ever said or done to hurt you. Don’t hold back. We took the whole day and night off. The time is worth spending in the long run. Okay?”

They agreed. Jiwon and Hanbin took their time to write everything out, consulting their supporters for help and memory jogging as they went along. After about a half hour, they were ready to discuss. The discussion went on for hours. Junhoe did his best to stay strong through it. He even patted Hanbin’s back when necessary.

They talked their issues out, understood each other, and apologized. Junhoe thought it was a very good start, and also that he was a genius. He also complimented Jinhwan on being a wonderful MC. Jinhwan blushed and thanked him.

“Now, the session is coming to a close,” Jinhwan said towards the end of it. “Would the supporters like to say any last words?”

“I do,” Junhoe deadpanned. “Jinwoo hyung, go first.”

“Oh, okay,” Jinwoo said. “Guys, you did a lot of things to hurt each other, but I hope you can get over yourselves and put the past behind you. You have to accept that you hurt each other, and forgive each other. It will be hard but it’s a healthy development. I believe in you and your relationship.” He gave a little fist pump. “Fighting.”

Jiwon and Hanbin thanked him.

Junhoe took a deep breath, let it out. He had been waiting for this.

“First of all, both of you are fucking morons.”

Everyone’s expressions _dropped_.

Junhoe threw Mickey into Hanbin’s lap and passionately continued, “All I have heard for the past three years is you two bitching about each other. It’s insane! You guys were obsessed with each other! And for what? You two invented a stupid rivalry just so you could diss each other, and that blew up into a full out enemy-ship! You could have been doing something much more productive than just hurting each other and everyone around you. Also, you’re both annoying, and stressful. I can’t believe you, seriously.”

Jinwoo gently passed off Pooh to Jiwon. Jiwon, without taking his eyes off Junhoe, accepted him.

“Second of all, stop complaining about how hard relationships are! If you just communicated in the first place then none of this would have happened! And that brings me to my third point: you both are being **_IDIOTS_** about fixing your relationship. You two _chose_ to hate each other. It was not necessary. It was not something that _had to_ happen! You are not bad people. Don’t you get it? This doesn’t _have to_ last. You just chose to be assholes!! Stop acting like your rivalry is something you two can never get over! And you call _me_ dramatic ** _?!_** You made up a rivalry and made up insults about each other and just _made up_ your whole relationship for three whole years! Just get over it!! You two _can_ and _will_ work on your relationship. Just _forgive each other_. _Aish,_ you almost drove me **CRAZY.** ”

Everyone stared in shock. Junhoe breathed, held his head in the palm of his hand.

He concluded, “Your rivalry was just something you invented so you could hate each other. Now you don’t want to hate each other anymore, so what’s stopping you from loving each other? At least that would be real. Just love each other.”

Jiwon and Hanbin blinked, then looked at each other. Hanbin gave Jiwon a coy smile. Jiwon smiled and looked down. Hanbin’s expression grew impossibly fonder.

Junhoe looked at Jinhwan and Jinwoo who sat just diagonal to him. Jinwoo looked impressed. Jinhwan gave Junhoe a thumbs-up and a soft, fond smile of his own. Junhoe relaxed.

-❣-

“Does it bother you?” Jinhwan asked.

Junhoe turned around in the desk chair to face Jinhwan. The other boy sat on the small couch in their shared room.

“Does what bother me?”

Jinhwan moved his gaze from his hands to Junhoe. “That I’m sexual?”

Junhoe put his pencil down. “Haven’t we had this conversation before?”

“I want to have it again,” Jinhwan said, “in case you changed your mind.”

“I didn’t,” Junhoe said resolutely, because that was, plain and simple, all there was to it. He loved the sexual part of their relationship. “Did you?”

Jinhwan gave Junhoe a lopsided smile and said, “Definitely not.”

“Good,” Junhoe said in confirmation. “So that’s everything.”

“Do you like having sex with me?” Jinhwan pressed.

Junhoe’s eyes widened. “Of course!” He would not do anything he did not want to do and Jinhwan would never make him. This sudden onslaught of… uncertainty, insecurity (?) threw Junhoe for a loop. He thought they were fine. He just wanted to be fine. This felt terrible. Just the reminder that he was not perfect for Jinhwan was terrible, nevermind an in-depth conversation about it. “You know I’m sex-favourable. I love having sex with you!”

Jinhwan gave a short laugh. “June…”

“What, do you want to have sex?” Junhoe asked. He turned fully around and planted his feet firmly on the floor, prepared to stand at any moment, just give him the okay and he would be up.

“No, well, yes, but not _now_ , June…”

“Do you want your dick sucked?” The gleam in his eyes was manic and genuine. “I’ll suck your dick right now, just say the word.”

Jinhwan lifted his hands to gently tell Junhoe to stop. “Junhoe, no, that’s not what I’m saying. I’m trying to make sure you want this.”

“I want this,” Junhoe said, and he was getting increasingly agitated. He was not forced into anything! He chose this! He would never want to hold Jinhwan back from a totally satisfying relationship! Even if that relationship was not with him!! What was Jinhwan trying to do here?!

Jinhwan looked down. He nodded, but Junhoe got the distinct impression that he was not convinced. His self-assured confidence was lacking.

Irked, Junhoe demanded, “Haven’t I told you I can take care of myself? Why are you thinking like this? Because I’m asexual I can’t make my own decisions?”

Jinhwan looked back up with eyes widened. “No! Junhoe, of course not. I just don’t want you to feel like—”

“Like you’re forcing me?”

“Like you love me too much to let me go even if this isn’t what you want,” Jinhwan concluded. After a breath, for both of them, Jinhwan said, “There are other boys. There will always be other boys.”

Junhoe swallowed. Quietly, he said, “Not for me.”

“Aish, see? This is exactly what I was afraid of. Junhoe, you don’t—”

“Stop,” Junhoe said. He looked down at his lap as he did so. He had never cut anyone off like that. Emotions never overtook Junhoe like that, never made him unable to handle the full run of the possible sentence. It might have shocked Jinhwan to silence, but he did stop.

Junhoe took a deep breath in, let it out. He had to get this right. Emotions were not a strong suit for him. (Not even a moderate suit, actually – he got **_angry_** at the end of Marley and Me because the double whammy combo of unconditional love and bereavement had him totally fucked up.) He would have to really think about his words, listen to those _weird pangs_ (read as: emotions) in his gut, and execute this well.

Another deep breath in and out, and he was off.

“You are the only one for me because we work so well together,” Junhoe said. “I want you to be the only one for me. You don’t think I could find another guy who likes me? I’m sure I could find thousands, and so could you. That’s not the problem. I want you.” Junhoe reached out his hands to emphasize. “And that’s why I _want_ you. I want to do this with you because I just want you. I just want all of you. I love the feeling of being that close to you. The fact that you – that we – that – _mphf_ …” Junhoe got frustrated with his inability to articulate, balled his hands into fists and pouted. Jinhwan waited. _Deep breath, in and out_. “That is the reason I want to have sex with you. Because I like you. I want you _because_ I want you. I… I can’t explain it any better. If you want to find someone else then do that, but don’t worry about me.” He clenched his jaw. “Sorry, I have no more words.”

“It’s okay,” Jinhwan assured softly. His cheeks were puffy and soft, his smile a small crack of sunlight between the clouds. “Not all feelings have words.”

Junhoe placed a hand over the spot in his stomach that kept flooding him with rushes of honey. He thought of Jinhwan and his whole body felt like it was suddenly coated on the inside with something sweet to numb the pain, salve dispersed from an origin somewhere deep in his digestive system. It was the feeling of butterflies if those butterflies were made of nectar and needles. It was a different form of affection that could only come from the pain of loving someone who was afraid to love you.

Junhoe asked, “Why don’t you trust me?” He looked down with a pout. “I know what I want. I’m the only one who knows, not you.”

Junhoe heard the sound of the couch cushion inflate, heard footsteps touch hardwood. Junhoe looked up. Jinhwan made his way over to Junhoe and sat on his lap.

Jinhwan said, “I guess it’s just me, being afraid.”

“I love you,” Junhoe said. “Don’t be afraid.”

“I looked it up,” Jinhwan said. “I’m not a manipulator. Even sexual people like giving everything to their partner to make them happy. You’re just a submissive. I just wanted to make sure you also feel this way.”

This made sense. He definitely submitted to Jinhwan. Jinhwan was dominant. Jinhwan was a small man with a big personality and Junhoe was a big personality with a small man. That made so much sense and yet none at all. Context dependent. Anyway, the point is that Junhoe wanted to give whatever pleasure Jinhwan wanted. He got his pleasure in return. The point was to be intimate.

“I feel this way,” Junhoe said. “That’s how it is, I’m certain of that. Don’t be afraid.”

“I don’t think you understand,” Jinhwan said, and Junhoe could hear the smile in his voice. “I’m not afraid because you give me sex. I’m afraid because you would still love me without it.”

Junhoe raised his eyebrows. “What’s this?”

Jinhwan laughed, soft and shallow, a sweet and artificial sound. It tasted pink. It felt like sugar in his stomach but the aftertaste was too bitter to be left by the real thing. Junhoe knew Jinhwan by now, and he knew this laugh was not a laugh. It was a cry.

“I just think… how is this possible, that someone just loves me for who I am? That they were not even attracted to me sexually at first, that I didn’t even have to convince them to stick around? Isn’t it too good to be true?”

Junhoe blinked. A moment passed. And then he got it. His jaw dropped. “ _You_ feel inadequate?”

Jinhwan nodded. “Don’t tell me _you_ feel this way,” he said. “You give me everything. What more is there?”

“I thought, because… you know,” Junhoe said. “I… _HOW_ can you feel this way?! I’m **_asexual_**. If I don’t like your personality then what else do I even have to like?!”

After a moment, Jinhwan said, “My Calvin Klein pajamas,” and Junhoe just knew Jinhwan was smiling, because they both loved that inside joke for some dumb reason. That was the best part about being in a relationship with Jinhwan, Junhoe decided in that moment – the dumb shit they both found funny, these jokes that no one else in the world would appreciate the same way they did, together.

“Ah,” Junhoe said, “you figured me out.”

Jinhwan laughed – white and silvery, delicate as it drifted down to the bottom of his ribcage, real. Jinhwan stood up, turned, grabbed Junhoe by the shirt. Junhoe let himself be pulled to the bed and sat down. Jinhwan climbed into his lap and straddled him. Junhoe naturally put his hands around Jinhwan’s back to secure him.

Jinhwan said, “I never knew I could feel beautiful in this way.” His eyes reflected light, glossy. “This feeling is… indescribable. The feeling of being loved anyway.”

Junhoe’s own eyes went glossy and bright under reflected light. He hoped Jinhwan felt the same about him.

But Jinhwan did feel the same, right? Junhoe had a strong feeling. What did it take to still love someone after seeing them blow a wet sneeze of goo out their nose over Ryan Gosling? What did it take to still love someone who was not only heard by their screams but their never-ending echoes off the walls? To love someone whose narcissism is only countered by their insecurity, topped off by a constant need for validation to feel adequate? To love someone even after spending every minute needed to teach them how Earth’s solar system works? To love someone even after they gave up trying to understand it?

It had to take something more than physical attraction. Junhoe never knew his personality could make him feel beautiful until Jinhwan called him a _big dumb toddler_ with that smile that said he loved teaching him the ways of the universe. And Junhoe was learning. Junhoe felt light-years ahead of the average man when he held Jinhwan’s small waist in the palms of his hands.

Jinhwan cupped Junhoe’s face in his hands and slowly tilted his head up. Jinhwan kissed him slowly. Something happy and sweet burst to life in his stomach.

“You know the feeling,” Jinhwan said. “Trust me. We’re not so different. I just love being close to you too. It’s my favourite part. That’s why the physical part of our relationship is important to me.”

_Not so different_ , Junhoe repeated in his mind. They could still be equals. That brought him some peace.

“That’s my favourite part too.”

Jinhwan said, “See? You’re doing fine. Trust me.”

“I trust you,” Junhoe said.

“I know, because I trust you back.”

Something sad and abysmal opened in Junhoe’s ribcage as he thought of Hanbin and Bobby. He hoped those kids would learn.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> End Notes:
> 
> \- My favourite part of this whole things is,  
>  _He mumbled, “I’m asexual.”_  
>  _“Pardon?” Yunhyeong asked._  
>  _That deaf old geezer._  
>  arguably some of my finest work and I genuinely laugh out loud whenever I read it fsldfkgjck it shocks me every time
> 
> \- I researched asexuality as best I could to apply it to this fic. Really though as an mlm person I cannot understand it on a personal level so I am really sorry if any of it sounds awkward to you.
> 
> \- I actually did not mean for this extra to be so focused on sexuality, but since it is, I hope it helps even one person. To asexual people: It must feel like fanfiction is a place for people who do feel sexual attraction. The vast majority of fics contain this type of relationship. This actually is one of my favourite interpretations of Junhoe, but I hope you also feel like this is a character for you, and a relationship for you. One of the hottest guys on planet Earth is asexual in this fic and DAMN RIGHT HE CAN BE! Sexuality is not dependent on how you look or how others look at you. Junhoe is and will be in a happy relationship for the rest of his life (whether that is with Jinhwan or not). So don’t worry about him and don’t worry about you. Everyone needs their own thing in a relationship and you will find your person, if you want one. 
> 
> \- Also to asexual people now that I’m here: If you are on Tumblr you might feel overwhelmed by identities. I have seen a lot floating around. If you do feel this way, I just want to let you know that you can identify as only asexual regardless of the nuances. If you feel ace then you are ace, you’re not being too broad or inaccurate or whatever. Labels are only meant to help you feel like you belong in your own brain. Labels can either liberate you or restrain you and you should never feel restrained. You should feel like you are living your own truth. Junhoe just identifies as asexual in this fic, that’s what he wants. Not every nuance needs a title. Just identify as what feels right to you. Just be.
> 
> \- To everyone: Just identify as what feels right to you. Just be.


End file.
